@problemtranny-moving - Tumblr Blog

Bio-Birthday sex that's just abuse. If I have to ask for something I want it to hurt. I hate that day I hate the "birthday sex" thing I hate the idea it's ‘for me’. Let's cut out the bullshit and give me something to really cry over.

#beaposting

The thing too is that these thoughts are only applicable to my angel. Nobody else could do this and I'd not immediately kill them. For some reason I need it and only it to hurt me.

#like intimate partners can call me‚ Bea‚ bou #a boy**#but other than that you will be destroyed #i just need it to hurt me and degender me and. wheee....

Love how I can be relaxed and calmed by thoughts of my angel viciously beating me.

#beaposting #legit tho it's like. i can feel myself calm down if i close my eyes and imagine me touching it one too many times and it loses its temper #slapping me across the face and pinning my wrists down with all its considerable weight #calling me a stupid‚ desprate boy who can't behave himself and and and #no 'intimate' touching or expectation of pleasure. just punishment for being as sick as i am #godddddd i worry i audibly whimper when i imagine its hands striking against my cheek

#shits too much fuckin effort. too much fuckin effort!!!!!!#beaposting #for what?#she seems. unhappy around me. or unhappier than she used to be.#if im not improving her QoL enough to overcome the minimum threshold of “life is a better option than death” then theres no point to it

Bea isn't the only one with a spiteful streak 😇

#though in my defence it's less spite and more fantasies of emotional sadism #ex cathedra

#beaposting

Aaaannd I'm 16 again

#ahh #beaposting

crittercnt

actually being in love with your kid is great actually bc they just be like oh mommy i wanted to tell u smth but i forgot 🥹 and youll get a wave of ridiculous affection and wish they were right next to u all the time…

#🥴

.

#one of the things actually is that i asked for it #that i actually like it. right? i keep letting it happen to me‚ keep putting myself there. I have enough agency to make it not happen #but it does anyway #so i obviously have to enjoy it. if i didn't i wouldn't make it happen. im the active agent in my own “rapes”‚ yet i keep playing the victim #its my partners who are the real victims. i just got that US army style “shoot and cry” thing. its ok to drive this deeper into me #im asking for it.#beaposting

I must not kill myself. Killing myself is the myself killer.

#beaposting

I don't want it. I never want it for years now. I envied you for not wanting it, for being able to go without it. You laughed and brushed it off whenever I talked about it and I ENVIED that. I know you never thought of it that way but it seemed amazing to not feel the need to, or at least to be able to suppress it so totally.

I HATE it. I loathe it. Every time, even when I think I might, my mind crawls out of itself and someone else takes over. Yet I remember. Yet it is baked so terribly into me; I'm haha funny pervert friend. I despise it.

Only my body wants it. Always my body. Never me.

#beaposting

Hhhhh I don't wanna have to pretend to like it. I don't wanna have to imagine myself as a character who likes it.

I want to hate it. Hate loudly and viciously and not have to mask it. To let it happen to me and feel it without attempting to imagine how I might make it into something I enjoy so I don't worry people. I want to loathe it and recoil from it and be passive in it and my thoughts heard and ignored.

I don't want to stop because I don't seem rly into it or am not enjoying myself or said to stop. Let it continue to happen without the idea of my pleasure playing into it.

I hate it.

#beaposting

patricia-taxxon

idk i think if you find yourself wracked with shameful desires to have been abused in some way, or wishing that your childhood had been worse than it was, theres a possibility that there is actually some substance there and you're looking for validation. like yeah all those "damn i wish i had been sexually assaulted when i was younger" thoughts i had eventually led me to discovering my actual assault, because why the fuck else would I think that

patricia-taxxon

well adjusted people do not crave abuse victim clout, they do not yearn to put a name to their soul sickness, they haven't been groomed by anyone and don't actually think statutory rape would be all that comforting. don't convince yourself you're fakeclaiming when you haven't even told anyone about it

patricia-taxxon

i dunno if you're the type to be comforted by this, but trauma isn't special. its not some cool privilege that only real underdogs get to have. statistically, you probably aren't making it up.

patricia-taxxon

bro, i am so sorry

#God this feels like it's hollowing me out

Am I in love with a ghost?

#beaposting #are you even real? am I?

uhm... i rly think we need 2 tell S abt... all this...

#im literally clair #im p sure none of our behaviro makes sense otherwise #also ate out mommy... 😁😵‍💫😖 it tastes so good...

Please do remember however I'm making all of this up. It's not real. It's hypochondria. I'm lying.

#beaposting #it is vital you do not listen to a word that falls from my mouth

Need a shower. Maybe 3.

#need a shower after being touched #need a shower after seeing a film #need a shower after eating and after sleeping and after changing out of my filthy clothes and after thinking badly and #beaposting

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