COR·AD·COR·LOQVITUR @professorbear - Tumblr Blog

You don’t mind walking on in spite of the unceasing rain, so why be concerned that your heart is exposed as it heads for home?

Translation of an old tagalog poem

https://panitikan.ph/wp-content/plugins/download-attachments/includes/download.php?id=5034

fromsappho

On this winter night my eyes were closed with ice. I wore out the darkness until lazy dawn.

Izumi Shikibu, from “The Diary of Izumi Shikibu” (10th-11th century)

terracemuse

Of this ruined house. (Izumi Shikibu 976-1030)

Christmas

This was my first Christmas away from home. I'd sought to remedy this sorry situation through travel, and I chose Barcelona for this purpose. I found the cheapest hostel for 12 euros a night.

Barcelona, is of course, a very young and dynamic city—there was always something to do. The social atmosphere of the hostel also meant that I was never alone in most cases, and I had more or less a "squad" to go with to parties in clubs. I was in the company of other people, but I have never felt more lonely.

Things changed for the better on Christmas dinner, one of the guests had cooked for all of us. I had never sat in a table with so many nationalities represented. Everyone was away from their families and loved ones for the holidays; it was the solidarity of strangers, bound by common loneliness, which kept me company.

There was always a feeling of impermanence, however, of people coming and going. A greater part of the guests had onward travels to destinations in Europe or Africa. But for me, the end of the road was back to Toulouse to spend New Years' Eve alone, and then to confront reality once more.

Timezones

1. Evenings are the worst, when you're done with work and desperate to share your day with friends and family at home---they're all asleep. 2. Every night, I check the weather at home. I somehow feel warmer. 3. I keep my other phone in the old timezone.

A. i make no secret of my disdain for you due to the following: 1. getting denied funding because you are no longer a student or staff 2. someone else receiving funding to present the work which you have done, and written about, and submitted 3. almost having your scholarship denied because no one will stand up for you, as you have no employer-employee relations, and are a nobody 4. appointment papers being delayed because you are dirt 5. appointment papers being downgraded, despite having the same qualifications and more publications, as someone else with the same job title. probably due to lack of powerful connections 6. salary being delayed, only receiving it after six months B. i am conflicted as to whether i actually hate you or despise you or just envious of you. i don't know how you do it. C. you, for benefitting off of an unfair system and never recognizing the privilege that comes with it. D. you for damaging me as a person. i haven't forgotten, and i still suffer to this day, i will make sure you feel this pain. soon.

news of my recent misfortune has reached school once again. i feel as though everyone tries to walk on eggshells when they are around me, trying to skirt around the topic—although perhaps also curious to know the sordid details. i avoid going there as much as i can.

i resent having people feel sorry for me, and it is always an awkward situation. for what does one say to a person who has lost, yet again? “everything happens for a reason” sounds so trite and insincere. it doesn’t help that some people just have to say something. and it also doesn’t help that i prefer to push others away.

being of this world, and living with other people is hell.

i hate this life.

I honestly don’t think I have a lot to live for, nothing to look forward to everyday. Much of what I love has been taken away from me. Daily life is a struggle. I spend most of my time at home. I have no energy to even cry.

I’m afraid something is breaking inside me. My friends probably think I’m a quitter, or a loser.

Fuck me, I can’t even get a psychiatrist.

I feel like a fraud for constantly telling my students to do their best and strive for better things, while I am a total failure.