project gentle

sharing my self healing

[girltalk]

[projectgentle]

Hey, I’m sorry for disappearing.

I went on spring break and had to work almost every single day. I don’t know why I get so physically exhausted but it was a very hard week for me and I felt mentally very low.

I felt a lot better once I got back to school, but I was just out of the flow of things by then. I set a goal to stick to this and I’m trying not to beat myself up for feeling like I’ve failed. This is something I’m trying to do for fun, after all.

Maybe the super long posts need to just be once in a while and I can sum up my days with smaller things? I don’t know why I was putting rules on myself.

5 days until my birthday. It’s going to be a really, really good one.

[lafemani]

I Hope April no bad days.

[projectgentle]

need this to be the best month of all time

[artbylittlebug]

[tylrgalpins]

Film meme: [4/5] animation » TANGLED (2010)

I've been looking out of a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what I might feel like when those lights rise in the sky.

[projectgentle]

"It's like this," I said. "I don't really mind what mood you're in, cause I like talking to you. It's not like I only want to hear about things when you're happy. That'd be kind of superficial."

I definitely embarrassed him a bit when I said that, which is always a win. But I was too busy having another thought to fully appreciate it.

"Why can't I accept it the other way around?"

I was the one who had brought it up. I have gone to work at my sucky retail job four days in a row, which is a lot for a college student who only goes in on weekends sometimes. My job is so physically and mentally taxing for me that when I get home I can't really get much else done because I am so drained. This would be fine if I didn't have homework and chores and other things to worry about, so l was dreading going into work this morning. I called him this morning, and I just couldn't seem to stop complaining. I was very moody.

I feel like that often, unfortunately. It is really easy to put me in a bad mood, but I don't like to be moody. I carry a sense of guilt about it because I know from personal experience it's just not fun to be around. So I apologized to him over and over again, because I felt so awful for tainting our whole conversation today. He kept reassuring me it was fine, but I kept feeling the need to apologize anyway.

Is it that deep down I don't truly believe him? Maybe. Every time he says something like that, I don't understand, I really don't. I can do or say whatever I'm truly feeling and he doesn't leave. He doesn't diminish me, he just listens. And I don't think l've ever had that before from anyone. I can't wrap my head around it. Because what if I accidentally abuse the space he has given me? What if I become a terrible person?

"If anything, I'm the one who should be apologizing for bringing the mood down the last couple days." That's what he said. Immediately I thought, "why would he need to apologize for that? I don't mind at all."

There was an unfortunate series of little things that kept getting him down over the weekend, but that doesn't bring the mood down. Not in a bad way. Of course I'd wanna listen when he's sad, right? In a lot of ways, it only makes me want to be closer to him.

It's two sides of the same coin. I know it is. So why can't | comprehend the idea that someone would do the things for me that I would do for them?

I think there's something deeper rooted in that I find negative emotions themself inherently wrong, and they make me undesirable. I can't comprehend how I could behave poorly and someone would still choose to be with me.

(22 days until my birthday)

[projectgentle]

Took a little break for the weekend- I’ve had a lot of work the last couple days and I’ve been trying to relax when I’m off the clock! Just wanted to share that I bought Zootopia 2 on DVD and watched it for the 4th time tonight haha 😙 this movie sticks with me so much and especially this one scene where Nick and Judy talk to each other. Love the communication they are so special to me!

[projectgentle]

On the Weather

When I was a kid, I was outside all the time. I lived in a very hot place and I thrived in the heat because that’s what I was familiar with, and it reminded me of summer, which is my favorite season for a lot of reasons. When I was in middle school, we moved up north just a bit and that lead to a pretty big shift in my personality to where I became a huge introvert.

I’ve always joked that I don’t really go outside, but big shocker here, it does wonders for my state of mind. I guess this shouldn’t come as a surprise to me with how much I study mental health, but it’s a lot harder for me to put into practice when I don’t enjoy sports and most of my hobbies involve a screen of some kind (unfortunately) so that doesn’t always translate well to outside time.

There’s been a few warm days so far this year, but lately it’s not just warm, it’s hot. It feels like summer to me. It feels like home. When it’s nice out, the atmosphere on campus really changes. More people hang out around campus, and it feels a lot more lively.

Yesterday, I had a lot on my mind, and I just went and sat outside. I was talking on the phone with a friend, just audio, and I sat there and just looked around me as I did. It was peaceful. I’m the type of multitasker who likes to do other things while I’m on the phone, but being outside I don’t feel like I need to. I’m not sure if it’s because there’s more sensory things going on- more sounds, more to physically feel, more to touch. It’s possible.

I really do think it’s the sun, though. I know everyone feels this way to an extent, but I am considering if I have some sort of seasonal thing going on and that’s why I’ve been struggling so much. We’re getting to the point of the year where I start doing much better (spring break started today!) I’m not sure, but since I’m having a hard time coming out of it right now I’m going to do my best in this healing process to make sure I can flourish during the warmer months and hopefully if this happens again next time the seasons change, I’ll be more prepared.

I sat outside again today just because I could, and I think it’s going to have to be something I incorporate into my schedule more. Now I just have to find some activities I can do while I’m out there and I can make it more motivating! I’ve got this image of me laying this big blanket out in the grass and just hanging out… or I could get a hammock. Lots of spots for hammocks on campus.

Tomorrow I’ll be working at my job all day :( but I hope we will be able to get something good out of it. I’ll try my best. 26 days until my birthday!

[gentlewordsdaily]

Sometimes there’s this quiet, confusing urge to feel worse, like if things got bad enough, then it would finally make sense. Like your pain would be visible, undeniable. Like people would take it seriously, or you would be allowed to take yourself seriously without second-guessing it.

It’s not really about wanting to suffer. It’s about wanting your suffering to feel real.

When you have been holding things in, minimizing them, or being told (directly or indirectly) that it’s “not that bad,” you start to doubt your own experience. You compare. You question. You wonder if you are overreacting. And somewhere in that confusion, the thought creeps in: maybe if it got worse, I would d finally be allowed to feel this way.

But needing your pain to be validated doesn’t make you dramatic. It means you haven’t been properly seen or understood. It means you have been carrying things that didn’t get the care they deserved.

Your feelings don’t need to reach a breaking point to be real. They already are. The exhaustion, the heaviness, the confusion, it all counts, even in its quieter forms.

You don’t have to prove your hurt by letting it consume you. You don’t have to earn compassion by getting worse. You deserve to be taken seriously as you are, right now.

Wanting to feel valid is such a human need. And you are valid, not because of how bad things get, but because you are feeling them at all. 🤍

[projectgentle]

On Becoming an Adult

So, I’m in a talking stage with this guy. The first serious one I’ve ever had, I think! There are so many stories I could tell regarding him, and there’s several even from today, but here’s the part I want to focus on:

I’ve known he was a little bit older than me, but yesterday I was reminded that it was just a few months off from being three years between us, and that feels like a big number to me. I was teasing him about being old (not in a mean way, I promise) and we were both laughing about it. It was all in good fun.

Today, though, we had to have a more serious conversation. A few months ago, I had said something like I wouldn’t date anyone within like a two-year range of my own age. I didn’t remember making a comment like this, but he did. It seems like it’s been bothering him this whole time!

I had to figure out how to verbally explain the thoughts in my brain, which I am not very good at. Typing is my forte, but I eventually worked up the courage to say what I needed to say. (He was very patient with me, too.)

First of all, a lot can change in the span of a couple months. When I had said that then, I wasn’t necessarily thinking with the intention that I would want to get together with this guy. I was thinking about a personal preference I had, and for valid reasons. The dynamic of much older men and much younger women is far too common, and it’s something I’ve learned to be disgusted by. If any guy who is not explicitly my own age takes interest in me, I ought to turn it away, because he’s probably a creep.

But he’s 22. He’s not old. And I had to assure him that I didn’t think he was, not really. We had been teasing each other yesterday, and we both found it funny, but that doesn’t mean that maybe there isn’t some underlying hurt there. (I’m realizing he’s just about as sensitive as I am, which I kind of love.)

We’ve talked about this issue I have in broader contexts before, but a lot of the problem I have is in my own mindset. I have a really hard time accepting that I’m getting older, for some reason. In my mind, I still feel like I got stuck somewhere around when COVID happened and I got behind all my peers, never truly catching up. I don’t feel like an adult, and I tend to forget that I am. I mean, I’m halfway through college. I’ll be getting an internship this summer, and I get to take my first grad school class in the fall. And everything has been surprisingly easier than I expected it to be, but there’s always a part of myself that says “Really? You’re allowing me to do these things? Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

27 days until I turn 20. The concept of me talking to someone who is 22, even if he’s almost 23, is not a bad one. In fact, it’s perfectly fine. But the thing that I got stuck on is not the amount of time between us, or the maturity level, or the stage of life or anything like that, it was the number itself. I look at that and my brain thinks that it’s crazy, it’s too high for someone like me. But it’s really not. I’m up there too.

There are surely deeper issues attached to this thought as far as my own independence levels go, but it’s good to be more aware that I have been thinking this way. I think the thing I am trying to remember about young adulthood right now is that there are no rules. Everyone is on their own unique path from now on!

The second thing I told him was that there are a lot of things I don’t know about in this life. Actually, that would be most things. That is exactly why I am willing to admit that I get things wrong. I don’t want to assume I’m fully right in anything, because there is always another perspective to consider. And maybe things are different than they were a few months ago. Maybe I want them to be. At the time, I said what I thought would best serve me, but maybe it’s time to open my mind a little bit more. Maybe it’s time to see things for how they really are and consider a different path.

And maybe I will.

[gentlewordsdaily]

It’s such a strange kind of sadness when the thing you used to love… just doesn’t feel the same anymore. Something that once brought you comfort or excitement now feels heavy, distant, or even pointless. And you sit there wondering what changed: was it you? did you lose it? will it ever come back?

Losing that spark can feel like losing a part of yourself. Especially if that thing was your escape, your identity, your safe place. When it stops lighting you up, it can make everything feel a little duller.

But this doesn’t mean it’s gone forever.

Sometimes your mind just gets tired. When you have been overwhelmed, stressed, or emotionally drained, even the things you love can start to feel like effort. Not because you stopped caring but because you don’t have the energy to feel it fully right now.

You don’t have to force yourself to “get it back” immediately. That usually just makes it feel heavier. It’s okay to step away without guilt. To let it rest. To let yourself rest.

And if you want to reconnect with it, try gently. Not to be good at it. Not to feel the same way as before. Just to be around it again, in a small, pressure-free way. Even sitting with it for a few minutes counts.

The spark didn’t disappear, it’s just quiet right now.

You didn’t lose your passion. You are just going through something. And when you have more space inside you again, you will find your way back to it… maybe a little differently, but still yours. 🤍

[girltalk]

One thing life has taught me 📝

Do it for yourself: Don’t rely on anyone else’s approval. This is your life, your choices. Do what’s best for your happiness and well-being. “What if my parents or friends don’t like it?” So what? In the end, you are the one who has to live with yourself and your decisions. You want to be a chef? Go for it! A janitor? Go for it! Maybe a fashion designer? ABSOLUTELY GO FOR IT! ❤︎

[projectgentle]

On Rejection

Last night, I auditioned for a small theater show my school is doing. I was so nervous! It’s been almost two years since I’ve done any acting, but I have friends in the theater department who reached out to me and told me I should audition.

The audition was fun, and it was sillier than I expected. I got to make some of my friends laugh, which is always a plus. I’ve never thought myself to be a particularly good actress, but to be honest, I don’t think I always portray my own abilities accurately. What I do know is that I went out there and did my best.

I was told that if I was cast, I would receive an email by a certain point in the day. I felt some of the nervousness coming back as it got closer and closer to time, and every time checked my email nothing was waiting for me. When there was only 15 minutes left until that deadline, I could feel the nervousness pooling in my stomach. So, you know what I did while I waited?

I meditated!

(Just realized I can change the color. Very cool.)

I tried meditating for the first time a couple years ago, and it helps me so much, but I have trouble doing it consistently. I knew I wanted it to be a key part in my process over the next few weeks, and it helped a lot. When I went back and checked my email afterwards, I know it’d be empty, but I had to get the confirmation. I was a little sad, but I didn’t feel as awful as I normally do. I had to try really hard not to beat myself up, which is something I normally do.

Trying to reroute my thoughts…

I’m not a good actor. There were lots of talented people who auditioned.

They didn’t like me. There were a limited number of spots.

This is why I have avoided auditions since college started. My friends asked me to audition! They were so excited to see me!

That was a waste of time. It was a good experience that I got to share with others.

Most importantly, this doesn’t say anything about me as a person! Not every opportunity is meant for everyone and that is okay! It’s worth it to try out lots of new things for the sake of the experience!

28 days until my birthday!

[projectgentle]

Hello, stranger! ⭐️

Today, I spontaneously decided to download tumblr. I don’t know much about this website, but it seems like the appropriate place for my new project.

My name is not important. What you need to know is that in 29 days, I will be 20 years old. My teenage years will finally, finally be over. I’ve been reflecting, were they really good? Did I enjoy myself? How much of it do I regret? A lot of bad things happened to me. Also, a lot of good things happened to me.

I am nearly halfway through college, which I still can’t believe. I want to be a therapist, and I love psychology so much. I see it in everything. I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t able to study it, because it truthfully is just as much for learning about myself as it is for preparing for a career.

I am a very self aware person. I have a lot of things that trouble me and my inner world. I have known all this for a very long time, and I have my unique ways of coping. But lately, I feel as if things have been going even worse than normal. Everything is great, I am a very blessed person, this has been a simple and fun semester, and yet I find myself extremely distressed and unmotivated. I think my problems are more serious than I have liked to admit up until now.

Thinking about my upcoming birthday, I’ve decided I want to make a shift in my life. It’s going to be a new decade, I will be an adult, and I’m tired of suffering in silence when I know I am surrounded by so much love. I know the kind of person I want to become, and I have decided that this is the space I want to use to explore that. Journaling has never worked out for me, but I’m chronically online so maybe starting a blog will help me. Maybe it can help you too.

I want to be a wholly, completely kind person. I want to live a soft, safe life that I can create and protect with people I love. Not to shelter myself from the world, but as a reaction to it. I’ve had my fair share of horrible experiences that I want to reclaim. I have a lot of problems in my life that inhibit me from having the life I want to have, but I know I have the capacity for growth. I want to be so, completely full of love all the time.

Today, I’ve been trying to think of some ways I can improve my life in these next 30 days especially. I think today’s task was taking the plunge and starting this, and I can continue to think of some things as I go along. If we set a new goal every day, that’s a whole month of goals I can complete!

Of course, I don’t plan to end once the month is over. But deep down, secretly, I am afraid that if I don’t take control back over my life right now, I might lose it for good.