Here’s a Long Overdue Update
I haven’t posted substantially in a while, but I have been thinking about starting up again. A few of my clients have decided to take on journaling, and that reignited my motivation to try and blog more. I can’t guarantee that it’ll last, but at least for now, I want to write bout how things have been since so much has happened at least in my love life.
This past summer has been rough. To be blunt, my ex and I (after a little over three years) finally broke up. I say finally because for a good year, things have been steadily declining. It went from looking forward to spending our days together, to wanting more and more time apart, to not even sleeping in the same bed.
Originally, our goodbye was relatively sweet. Sure, leading up to it was emotionally volatile, but when he moved out, it was good and we were looking forward to eventually reconnecting after some solo healing. That was back in July.
August was the month for me to really learn what it meant to be by myself, in my twenties, in a state I did not grow up in. Mind you, I haven’t really been single in my 20s. My first relationship lasted from the ages of 16 to 19 (October of my 2nd year in undergrad). I got with my recent ex January – a few months after braking up. That left me the tail end of 2016 to be single and live life. That said, this year, being single was a learning curve. I had to really just learn who I was by myself. Did I want to be not sober as much as I had been in my relationship? Do I still need to sleep and wake up late? How much and how often do I want to maintain the cleanliness of my apartment? What am I going to do in the dark winters when I don’t have anyone to hug me? These were just a few question I’ve been exploring since the break up.
Anyways, come September – when we broke up, my ex and I decided to try and reconvene to see if we were ready to hash things outs and work towards friendship. At that point, he said he needed to get his anger heard, but I wasn’t ready. Well, I thought I was, but the way he demonstrated that anger when I said I needed more time really showed me that I didn’t want to engage with someone who couldn’t respect my boundaries post-break up. That conversation was a whole saga with nasty emails sent by him, so I don’t want to really go into that here, but alas… it was a rough patch. Despite that, I continue to learn about myself and really be in relation to only myself.
Now we’re nearing the end of October. I’m still single and have been consistently going to therapy. I’m learning to be okay with myself and learn to accept my new life as a single man. Some days are still hard. I joked about how I go buy coffee and will drive in the snow for it just for the chance to say hi to someone and hear “have a good day” because I feel lonely and isolated. But it’s getting easier.
Without another person to really look after, I’m able to focus in on my career, getting through graduate school (and by the way – I got my Masters and am almost half way through my Doctorate), and slowly work on being better for other relationships that are important to me like my family and tight circles of friends.
If you actually read this, thank you for following my journey. And for those of you who have been with me since 2009… damn. Way to stick through all the changes throughout this decade. I don’t recognize half of you because of all the username and display picture changes… but if you’re an OG, hit me up with your older usernames and let’s reconnect!
Here’s to a brighter future filled with love and self-compassion.
