Iāve had health problems my entire life. Been fat shamed by my teachers at school (āyou donāt do p.e at school, but what are you doing beyond sitting on the couch at home? Itās not like youāre doing sport at homeā as if this btich knew what my home life was like) and by my family and āfriendsā (luckily enough friends whose names I donāt remember now :))
I found out that I have policystic ovarian syndrome, a condition that causes multiple cysts in the ovaries to appear. This can be triggered by being overweight, but itās also genetic. My sister has it, too. Having PCOS meant that itās extremely difficult, if not impossible, to lose weight. I also have an extremely slow metabolism (so slow that i take two prescribed meds for it and will be doing that for probably my entire lofe) and because of THAT I also canāt lose weight. Add on to this the fact that my muscles arenāt working in sync with each other (yes apparently my body doesnāt know how to move properly? So thatās why moving hurts me a lot) and that my family simply canāt afford amazing healthy food all the time and even when I DO eat I get sick (see: extremely slow metabolism that makes food pile in my stomach like that corner of dirty laundry in your room that you donāt wanna touch) and that literally obesity is also a genetic factor too in my case: Iām like, way overweight. I go to hospitals and they call me obese but I donāt like that word because it makes me feel like Iām less important than thin people, like Iām more of a burden.
My entire life Iāve felt fat. I was in first grade not wanting to wear the school dress because I ālooked fatā in it. My mum and grandma would make comments about their own weight in front of me and told me not to be like them, donāt be fat, itās ugly, itās bad, nobody will want you if youāre fat.
I was a little girl in grade one - maybe thirty kilos? Probably less. And I thought I was fat.
In grade four I got fat shamed by my crush. He told me his weight and made an offhand comment about how I was massive. I wasnāt massive. He was just a scrawny boy, and I wasnāt short or thin like the other girls my age; he was healthy for his own body proportions, I was healthy for mine. That was the year I decided to start wearing a hijab, and a friend of mine said to my face āI only recognised you because youāre fatā
When I say Iām fat, my friends say ādonāt say that:( ā
they think āfat=badā and I think āfat=badā and the whole world thinks āfat=badā
It doesnāt equal less worthy or unloveable or burden
In a lot of cases it doesnāt even equal unhealthy. There are lots of āfatā people that are still healthy.
People think I got fat by eating burgers and cake and ice cream.
Thatās not how it happened. I got depressed, I got abused, Iāve got a lot of physical and genetic problems that have lead to this.
Fatphobia made my life 100 times harder than it should have been. When I hear someone talk about their weight in front of me I hurt and curl up into a ball inside because I just want to ignore the word and the concept of being fat forever. Itās probably my biggest shame, being fat, and the sad part is I know itās not even a fault that I am overweight. Itās not like I have control of what food I can buy, weāre not rich enough to buy amazing vegetables and quality meat, itās not like we even have the time to cook that much in my house.
I eat a lot less than a lot of people I know. I donāt move around much because itās painful. I love to play sport, I have dreams that I was back in primary school playing soccer with the boys (I NEVER played sport at school. Ever.) and feeling sun on my face and just moving. People think Iām lazy, and theyāre surprised when I say Iām into sport because people who play sport are all skinny apparently (not true) but like
Iām not lazy. Iām not someone who doesnāt like moving. Iām just in pain. I donāt eat shit all day. Iām just sick.
And when I go to doctors to ask for help about my pcos or digestion of my foods or my acne or my depression, they say one thing: āyou need to lose weight.ā
Yeah, I need to lose weight. But itās a whole lot more complex than that, and nobody seems to realise.
tldr: fuck fatphobia and I want to play soccer can someone PLEASE tell my muscles to cooperate
