babes, the sun is still there, it doesn’t cease to exist because you can’t see it, and it will shine again.
AnasAbdin
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@pumpyumpyumpkin
babes, the sun is still there, it doesn’t cease to exist because you can’t see it, and it will shine again.
i hope you wish you didn’t do it
i hope you just didn’t think through it
you took all that i had
and i can never get it back
why was i ever saying happy mother’s day to you?
i entered a world i shouldn’t have
but now i am stuck in the could’ve had
i never realised when i sat down
with my friends
for lunch
the talk of calories
would lead to this much
for so long i fought
for what i thought
would save girls like me
but there is no fight for peace
being anorexic is so expensive for an illness that costs literally nothing to achieve
there were signs and i ignored them
who am i when im not the villain or damsel in distress?
who am i when i am a background character?
nothing is killing me now
there is nothing left to save me from
and that’s as scary as if there was
i’m marched down, down, down into a clinical room lined with locked doors. and one is unlocked for me. a plain wooden bench, a disinfectant smell, a cup of cold coffee, a gossip magazine, a crossword with no pencil or pen. and once i’m in, there are no more unlocked doors in the corridor. and i’m left alone. there is no time, no night and day, everything blends into what feels like an eternity and ten minutes both at once.
it’s so painful letting go
it’s more painful holding on
❤️🩹
is love meant to feel like dying?
is hope meant to leave me crying?
are dreams always so fleeting?
is care meant to make me sicker?
‘but why do you feel guilty when it’s not your choice!?’
i was genuinely asked this. quite a few times.
what are you supposed to reply with?
oh yeah, i did choose it ‘cause i didn’t eat?
or because i may have hurt someone in the process?
or i’m just so used to feeling guilty with a full stomach, so that’s how it is?
i don’t know
i can’t explain the overwhelming guilt i felt after a feed.. the feeling that i could’ve fought harder or i should’ve eaten in the dining room because i would feel less sick, or maybe, i felt that despite it not being my choice, people would see it as my decision.
my decision not to eat.
my decision to be restrained.
my decision to lash out.
but it wasn’t.
every day on kennet i would go to bed and promise myself tomorrow would be the day. i would wake up and go to the dining room at snack (i skipped breakfast) and i promised myself i would ask for a cup of ensure, but receiving that bottle unopened on the table whilst everyone else had theirs measured out in a cup.. i couldn’t bring myself to do it. to tell them that i would like mine measured. that i would like to drink it, however with the assumption being i would not, i struggled. i struggled to pick up that cup, request the ensure to be measured out with the syringe, drink it.. all whilst a support worker writes down my every move.
it was as if the decision was already made for me. yet, i still got the blame.
i am not an inspiration
i am just a person
beautiful is an adjective not a verb
beautiful isn’t something a menu can serve
i am a scarf
every row is just multiple single stitches.
every time i grow it’s just multiple little successes.