Safe & Sound

safe space for childhood trauma survivors. plus just a place to post my stuff. i hoped i could promote hope and healing somehow but like idk - im not an inspirational girl tbh.

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

babes, the sun is still there, it doesn’t cease to exist because you can’t see it, and it will shine again.

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

i hope you wish you didn’t do it

i hope you just didn’t think through it

you took all that i had

and i can never get it back

why was i ever saying happy mother’s day to you?

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

i entered a world i shouldn’t have

but now i am stuck in the could’ve had

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

i never realised when i sat down

with my friends

for lunch

the talk of calories

would lead to this much

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

for so long i fought

for what i thought

would save girls like me

but there is no fight for peace

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

being anorexic is so expensive for an illness that costs literally nothing to achieve

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

there were signs and i ignored them

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

who am i when im not the villain or damsel in distress?

who am i when i am a background character?

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

nothing is killing me now

there is nothing left to save me from

and that’s as scary as if there was

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

i’m marched down, down, down into a clinical room lined with locked doors. and one is unlocked for me. a plain wooden bench, a disinfectant smell, a cup of cold coffee, a gossip magazine, a crossword with no pencil or pen. and once i’m in, there are no more unlocked doors in the corridor. and i’m left alone. there is no time, no night and day, everything blends into what feels like an eternity and ten minutes both at once.

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

it’s so painful letting go

it’s more painful holding on

❤️‍🩹

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

is love meant to feel like dying?

is hope meant to leave me crying?

are dreams always so fleeting?

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

is care meant to make me sicker?

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

‘but why do you feel guilty when it’s not your choice!?’

i was genuinely asked this. quite a few times.

what are you supposed to reply with?

oh yeah, i did choose it ‘cause i didn’t eat?

or because i may have hurt someone in the process?

or i’m just so used to feeling guilty with a full stomach, so that’s how it is?

i don’t know

i can’t explain the overwhelming guilt i felt after a feed.. the feeling that i could’ve fought harder or i should’ve eaten in the dining room because i would feel less sick, or maybe, i felt that despite it not being my choice, people would see it as my decision.

my decision not to eat.

my decision to be restrained.

my decision to lash out.

but it wasn’t.

every day on kennet i would go to bed and promise myself tomorrow would be the day. i would wake up and go to the dining room at snack (i skipped breakfast) and i promised myself i would ask for a cup of ensure, but receiving that bottle unopened on the table whilst everyone else had theirs measured out in a cup.. i couldn’t bring myself to do it. to tell them that i would like mine measured. that i would like to drink it, however with the assumption being i would not, i struggled. i struggled to pick up that cup, request the ensure to be measured out with the syringe, drink it.. all whilst a support worker writes down my every move.

it was as if the decision was already made for me. yet, i still got the blame.

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

i am not an inspiration

i am just a person

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

beautiful is an adjective not a verb

beautiful isn’t something a menu can serve

[pumpyumpyumpkin]

i am a scarf

every row is just multiple single stitches.

every time i grow it’s just multiple little successes.