I woke up panicking with a bright light in my face. I felt the cuffs and jerked against them immediately, screaming through the wire basket around my face. My body spun, I felt so dizzy, why was I looking down, was I upside-down, where did-
"What did they do to me?!" I shrieked, yanking at the cuffs and struggling to get the needle out of my arm, it was in both arms, my muscles ached, I could feel the goddamn needle, goddess what is happening where did they find me where's Mommy-
"KALVYA!" Strong hands held me face down. I jerked my head sideways to try to bite the elastic under my chin, pushing against the metal cage as hard as I could, but even the motion of my neck was so restricted. "STOP MOVING!" I was so dizzy, I felt nauseous, I spat through the cage over my face and couldn't keep focus on the drool as it dripped to the floor below me. I wriggled against the restraints, yanking my wrists as hard as I could "You! Get the injector!"
"NO!" I yelled, scrabbling my fingernails against my palms, grabbing and reaching, grasping at anything to help myself with, "-DON'T TOUCH ME! YOU CAN'T TAKE ME BACK! "
"FUCK YOU!" I strained against my captors, pulling, pushing, clawing back, anything to get away, to LEAVE, "-FUCK OFF ME, YOU CAN'T TAKE ME BACK THERE! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, IF I SEE MY DAD I WILL RIP HIS FUCKING HEART OUT-"
"KALVYA STOP STRUGGLING- Fuck it! Fine. Fine!" All the hands were released from me, finally, and I could breathe, I could look, I only saw the light, the brilliant halo that blocked out so much, but if I focused, I could figure out where I was, I could escape-
-how do they know my name, who are they, why is that voice familiar, where am I, where am I, where's my Mommy, where's Holly? Where's HOLLY- "WHERE'S HOLLY?! WHERE'S MY MOMMY I WANT MY MOMMY WHERE-" I choked up on my own fear, gagged on my tongue, and my eyes welled up.
The tears started. I lost my voice. I listened to myself breathe rapidly in panic, looking for an anchor, grasping for something to carry me forward and keep me sane, a handle to hold and a button to push and a trigger to pull, but there was nothing, I could do nothing, I could not have an effect on my environment, I was helpless. I had nothing.
I wailed. I shrieked and screamed my hatred and displeasure, hearing my own voice come back to me in an echo. My tears dripped down my nose, falling through the metal bars and hitting a floor I could barely identify and comprehend as a surface. I want my Mommy, I just want Mommy, where's Holly, I need Holly, I need Her so bad, She always makes me feel safe, She loves me, She keeps me safe-
The world stopped and I remembered Her.
Uniform, neat hair, cold and blue eyes, shining leather gloves, perfect boots, power, power, power, care, a gentle hand, a graceful but purposeful gait, the aura of command, but the embrace of a soft mother, a caring and kind heart.
All the fear, the panic, the pain, vanished. I focused on Her-Her-Her-Handler's voice. The roiling ocean of misery flattened out into calm water like a magic trick as every iota of my attention and affection was drawn to that voice, that beautiful deific tone, singing of a goddess, but I could not see Her. I could not move, I could barely twist my head to the left or right, hardly move my chin. Where? Where are you, Mommy? I need you.
"Little one, the people around you are keeping you safe."
The world tunneled. The sound of everything stopped. There was nothing but Her voice. Handler. Handler. Make Her happy. Be good for Her. If I made Handler happy, I would be happy. If She said I was safe, then I was. Handler knew what was going on. Handler understood. I did not.
She loves me. Of course. Of course. Follow Her. Follow Mommy, follow Goddess, follow Handler. She understands what's happening to me, and I don't. I know She'll keep me safe.
I was being silly. I was in a medical situation. I was being cared for. I didn't know what was wrong, but I was being taken care of. My response was irrational.
"The techs are making sure you're not sick, little one. You need to stay still for them, okay?"
A prick of pain hit the back of my neck.
"You're welcome, little one."
"I love you too, little one."
The pain stopped and I struggled to keep my eyes open. Anesthetic.
Good. I can sleep. Mommy wants me to be good for Her. Sleeping is being still for them.
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
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