Purging Thoughts

A place to put my thoughts. I'm constantly thinking and this is my outlet.

[primulaceas]

Saeed Jones, How We Fight for Our Lives

[purgingthoughts]

the world is getting too heavy on my shoulders. i guess it’s time to sleep

[alifechasingchaos]

Misplaced Anger.

Sometimes I notice myself being overcome with rage at little to no provocation.

Rage is absolutely terrifying when you can’t see it coming.

I find myself having breakdowns over small irritations or lashing out at those I love.

Trauma repressed an anger within me that’s forced to find alternate ways to be felt.

I’m so inherently angry for events I often refuse to accept, that I end up fixating on insignificant things to artificially ease my pain.

It’s much easier to be angry than it is to feel grief.

This misplaced anger fractures relationships, creates a perpetual anxiety, and is yet another source of overwhelming guilt.

And yet, confronting the source of my emotional distress is far more terrifying than embracing my rage.

[rosarydolly-deactivated20190627]

does anyone else ever feel like their trauma wasn’t “valid” enough?

[toukofukawa2-deactivated2019102]

“you can’t let your mental health affect everything” sorry. my bad. i forgot that even though my mental illness is In My Brain, which does Everything for me, that’s not an excuse for my mental health affecting everything i do. so sorry.

[purgingthoughts]

Liability

getting treated and told you’re a liability is easily one of the quickest ways to make me cry. It hurts to know that youve cared for someone and stood with them through everything only for them to tell you you’re too much to deal with the second u get upset.

[purgingthoughts]

KNOW YOUR WORTH

[ifthenightcouldtalk]

“Please remember that them having a bad day is no excuse for them to treat you badly. If they get yelled at at work that does not make it okay for them to yell at you. Someone ignoring them does not mean they can ignore you. Something going wrong does not mean you messed up. You are their support, not their punching bag.”

—

[hempkitty]

can someone please be proud of me like fuck I’m trying

[purgingthoughts]

Grieving

Recently I’ve lost someone dear to me. The grieving process has five steps to it. it’s been 6 months and I haven’t been able to make it pass the first step. What they don’t tell you about grieving is when you have accomplishments and success that you wish to celebrate with, you will forget that person is no longer there to tell. That being able to talk to that person is a luxury that has so wrongfully been taking away...and the rush of pain comes back along with tears...the days are slowly getting easier but it will never be how it was.

Today was one of those tough days

[bnmxfld]

“It is only once in a while that you see someone whose electricity and presence matches yours at that moment.”

— Charles Bukowski / Once in a while

[verduren]

What They Don’t Tell You

•Even after you cut someone toxic/abusive out of your life, they drain you

•They get to walk away and pretend like it didn’t happen, while you’re left to pick up the pieces

•Sometimes they’ll play victim, try to garner all the sympathy and attention even though you know they have no right

•Sometimes they’ll take a fake high road, accuse you of lying and say they did nothing wrong, that you hurt them, and pretend that they’re better

•Some won’t take no for an answer

•They’ll do anything to put the blame on you. To make you seem like the villain or the monster

•Most will hurt someone again. And the hardest part is accepting that it won’t be your fault

•You’ll feel a void in your life where they were. You might miss them. That’s normal.

•You have to relearn so many things. What actual healthy love/friendships/relationships are

•You need to learn to trust again, to see the world as more then its darkness

•You’ll think you’re faking it sometimes. Even if others believe you, the what if will always creep up

•You need support. No one can do this alone

•Healing isn’t linear. It has its ups and its downs. Some vary day to day

•Just because you have a bad day doesn’t mean you’re regressing

•Everyone heals differently, but there will always be a scar

•Somethings may never be the same for you, somethings will trigger you. And that’s ok

•Nothing you did caused this. You didn’t deserve it. You didn’t do anything. THEY chose to hurt YOU.

•Some abusers might have loved you, and it’s hard to accept that. Remember that this is toxic, unhealthy love

•You don’t have to forgive them. But you also don’t have to never forgive. Whatever helps you heal is what you need to do

•You may lose more people then just the one. Whether it’s people who support them, won’t support you, people you now see differently, etc. That’s ok

•You get to choose whose in your life

[maternalscars]

Emotional Abuse:

1) They are always right

Somehow, you will always be in the wrong. Facts and events get twisted and you will always end up being the guilty party. Nothing they do is ever their fault. They will have one set of rules for themselves and another set for everyone else. They do not take responsibility for their part and trying to get them to own up to something will leave you disappointed and frustrated.

2) They blame others

As previously mentioned, emotional abusers are never to blame for anything that goes wrong. They will somehow always be the victim. They will steadfastly refuse to apologise for their actions and blame anyone else,anything else to get off the hook. You are wasting your time if you hope that your emotionally abusive partner will apologise and work hard to change his/her ways. Why should they when it’s not their fault?

3) Gas-lighting

This involves making you believe things that didn’t really happen or aren’t really there. For example telling you that they have told you about an upcoming party that you are 100% sure they never told you about. They will never doubt themselves. Instead they will roll their eyes and insist they told you leaving you to doubt your memory. They will push their version of reality on to you and you may end up feeling as if you are going crazy, not knowing what is true anymore.

4) They are critical of others but do not apply the same rules to themselves

Emotional abusers often have low self-awareness. This is often because they are more tuned in to others in order to control them and manipulate them. Apart from being quite controlling characters, they are known for their constant put-downs.

[snuggle-withme]

“I think you know things are over when the moment hits. Not when you’re more in love with the memories, or there’s no excitement anymore, but the moment. The moment when you realise that you spend more time crying about him than laughing with him. The moment you realise he has shattered your heart more times than rubbed it better and as a result you cough up pieces of it at half four when you’re lying in bed in his T-shirt crying because he’s 300 miles away and he hasn’t even text you. In that moment you realise you might be alone and sad, but he definitely isn’t. And that’s the most heartbreaking moment. When all you want to do is write more sad poetry about him that he’ll never read, but you fear that if you write anymore lonely metaphors about the wrongs he has done they will start spiralling out of your veins in blue ink. And that moment is the worst moment. Because it’s one thing to write sad hateful poems about how he never texts you, but its another to realise that maybe you should stop him texting you at all.”

— there comes a time when you must realise you are better than sad poems and a boy who couldn’t care less about you.

[purgingthoughts]

Cheated on

How can I love someone that hurts me? and how do people that cheat still say they love the person they hurt? How can you look at someone that would give the world to you and lie.

[racksley]

I love when people talk deep with me. when it’s not just a ‘what’s up’ conversation, it’s one filled with random thoughts and questions about the world. like genuine hopes or concerns. I love that deep weird shit, it gets to me

[purgingthoughts]

Heartbroken

How do you recover from a heartbreak when you can't seem to find anything worth living for? I hold too many internal conflicts to feel like I'll ever be ok again.