Pretending.
tw!!!! Implied suicide attempt and talks of child abuse and neglect.
My mother formally left me when I was 11 years old. She had recently tried to end her life after years of alcoholism, which led to affairs, which led to the divorce papers lying on our dining room table. She lived, of course, but afterward she left me. Once she did, I started to pretend she had died that day, because it was easier than dealing with the fact that she didn't want me. Anyway, itâs been years since. Iâm an adult now, still living with my sister, who gained guardianship due to my fatherâs incompetence. My mother has recently started coming over since my sister had a child. Itâs strange. Sometimes I look at her and really see my mom, the one Iâve grieved over and over again. I think of when I was younger, and she had the smallest presence in my life she could and had to take me to appointments. Sheâd sit filling out my paperwork and all I wanted to do was hate her. Think âhow could you do this to meâ, but instead Iâd pretend the opposite from before, that all is normal. She never left. Never destroyed parts of myself Iâm still unable to fix. In hopes, I could soothe the part of me that yearned for her. The more she comes over, I find myself falling into the habit unconsciously. Falling asleep and dreaming of her as a good mother. My mother. Instead, I wake to a house she doesnât even live in and a deeper whole in my heart.
