Teen Wolf, How I met your mother style, but it’s just the pack becoming weirder and more difficult for outsiders to understand as the years go by.
Until Malia starts dating a therapist named Steve. No one understands how she pulled that, but they assume it’s not going to last very long anyway.
Steve starts hanging out with the gang on the weekends, and he thinks they’re weird.
He clocks the Scott/Allison/Isaac drama immediately – not that he needed to observe and interpret anything. They talk about it openly, like they don’t bother hiding any feelings at all. And the rest of the gang jokes about it, how Isaac is still heartbroken by both of them. And Isaac just retorts with “Yeah, well. It’s not like we didn’t try to make it work with the three of us. It just got a bit crowded.” And then Stiles responds with “Yeah, well, we all know how you do with crowded spaces, amirite. HIGH FIVE-”
Malia introduces Stiles to him as her ex-boyfriend. It’s a bit weird at first, but Steve relaxes a bit when she punches the guy sitting next to Stiles in the arm “And this is Derek, and they’re practically married”. It gets more confusing again when she adds “Also Derek’s my cousin. Technically.”
Steve understands after a while that Stiles and Derek aren’t actually together, even though their bickering does, in fact, resemble a dynamic of someone who’s been in a relationship for years. Everyone else knows that Stiles and Derek have been hanging out a lot. Also no one is surprised that Stiles sleeps over at Derek’s several times a week; weird sleeping arrangements stopped being weird a long time ago. There’s no use in keeping secrets from the pack anyway, so they just stopped trying. And with that, any brain to mouth filter seemed to disappear. No one thinks anything of it, but it’s kinda weird for Steve.
“If we had sex, would you wanna be top or bottom?” Stiles asks Derek loudly one Friday night they’re all gathered in their favourite bar. Jackson immediately goes “Everyone knows you’re a bottom boy, Stilinski,” while Erica counters with “I think Derek would be a great bottom. His ass is a gift to the world.” Derek, unfazed after all these years, just flicks Stiles on the ear. “Which one makes you shut up?” The whole pack starts going “ooooooooh” around the table.
“Neither, bitch. If you wanna make me shut up you’ve gotta shove that thing down my-“
Steve chokes on a handful of peanuts, and everyone turns to him. “You okay, dude?”
“You need me to do the thing where all the air is pushed out of you?” Malia asks.
“Scott can do it. He’s a vet.”
“Derek is super strong, though.”
“It’s fine,” Steve gasps. “Please don’t touch me.”
It also worries him how co-dependent they all seem to be. At one point, Malia drags him over to Erica and Boyd’s house to help them paint the nursery for their unborn baby. He’s surprised when Derek and Stiles are already there. Seriously, who needs six people to paint one room? When Boyd opens a can of paint, Derek makes a face and starts shaking his head. “Nope, not that one.”
“It’s too much for the baby.”
Steve doesn’t know about the werewolf thing, so he assumes Derek is just being intrusive. He’s shocked when the gang just nods along like it makes perfect sense.
And then Stiles lights up. “Hey, we should all put one piece of our clothing in here. Wouldn’t that help the bonding process?”
And when they all start nodding to that, that’s the final straw for Steve.
“OKAY THATS ENOUGH” he shouts. “You’re all the most co-dependent, incestious, controlling group of people I’ve ever met!”
He storms off and doesn’t come back. Malia receives several text messages, though, explaining how he’s sorry, but they’re all too much. How they’re all exhibiting inappropriate social behaviour. How they seem to be a deeply dysfunctional group without any healthy boundaries and that he feels sorry for any child who’s about to be a part of it.
Malia dumps him with a shrug.
Erica and Boyd’s beautiful werewolf baby is born. In the nursery, there’s a clothing rack holding a variety of shirts and hoodies and scarves, filling the air with the soothing smell of pack. Stiles and Derek make it official that they’re a couple a little while later. Kira finally confesses her feelings for Malia and they start dating. And Malia has never been happier to have her weird, dysfunctional family – however crazy they may look from the outside.
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