Q. J. Love

Mostly my own thoughts and ramblings about more serious topics.

[qjlove]

I hate being bipolar. I was doing so well, I’d been stable for MONTHS and then things get bad at work and I get so fucking stressed that it triggers a depressive episode.

Now I want to curl up in a ball, isolate, and not do anything. Ive been a bad friend and boyfriend, but I can’t make myself be better. It takes all my energy just to do the basic things I need to do to live, so when I have things I want to do and should do I just can’t. I’m barely eating unless I force myself to. I’m not sleeping. I hate being bipolar. I was doing so well and now I am barely scraping by.

[qjlove]

I think moving a lot and not having a long-lasting friendship until high school really did do a number on my abilities to socialize, sure I've worked hard to make it so I can be socialiable and whatnot but I can't help but think that people can tell I am working from a disadvantage or something

I doubt the autism helps, lol.

[qjlove]

How the fuck do you know if you're friends with someone? Especially if it's a weird situation overall. Like clearly there is some form of sexual attraction between us, but what of platonic let alone romantic?

Do I bother you when I ask how your day is? When I wish you well during your struggles? Do you only wish for me to be someone you see once and then never again, or do you genuinely want me to stay around? Is it too much to ask that I'd like for you to ask how my day is?

Not that you are uncaring, no. You remember the little things I've told you, the details that I forgot I mentioned. You have outright said I make you comfortable, but are we friends?

Are we merely aquariences who are sexually attracted to one another? I am not sure what I want as an answer, or if there is something I would wish to hear at all, but perhaps having an answer would give me clearer course of action. I don't know for certain, and perhaps I can't.

[qjlove]

When I was first put in a psych ward as a young teenager the therapist we occasionally got 1on1 time with talked to me once and said “Q, you hate yourself more than anyone I've ever met”

Was that true? Not sure, but I could see it. I truly did loathe myself to the core.

Now though all these years later, I'm mostly neutral on myself. Just okay with me, some aspects I can say are cool, others are eh, but all in all I'm alright.

That makes me a little proud to know I've come quite far.

[qjlove]

I’m beginning to think that I might just be a bad person.

Not intentionally, but I just fuck up and do things so wrong it makes me look bad, and at a point that just kinda makes me feel like a bad person.

[qjlove]

There are times I that I fear, even if I know it is irrational, that I won’t find love again. That the last long term relationship I had was the best I was ever going to have romantically.

We meshed so well, but he broke me in the end. Genuinely destroyed what bits of self confidence I had left and made me feel so shit.

But what if that was still the best I’d ever get?

Because for a long time that was a good relationship. We were happy. I felt loved and cared about, like I mattered and how I felt mattered. We could just sit together and have the best time.

What if I never find someone who would love me in that way or even a similar way again? Not a replacement, but I mean loving me at that level, us meshing and getting along so well, and understanding me even with all my eccentricities.

What if that was it? What if I am unlovable?

Sure it’s unlikely, it’s hard to imagine anyone is unlovable, but what if I am? What if I end up living in an otherwise empty home, nobody to share my life with in that way? That life can be fulfilling and good, but I want to be able to share my life with someone in that way and I am scared I won’t be able to.

[qjlove]

I’ve been sober nigh on 3 months now. It’s hard. I get the thought “oh I could smoke just one time and it would be fine” or “it would be really fun to get high again and I could just stop after that!” but I know that I couldn’t 💀 I cannot be normal about substances.

It really sucks though because I enjoyed parties a lot and getting high off my ass with other people, sharing drugs, etc was so fun. Psychedelics were fun as fuck. Now I’m basically the permanent designated driver. I went from the fun stoner/druggie to the sober guy who won’t even smoke a cigarette. That kinda sucks ya know, but withdrawals sucked so much worse and the effects that everything had on my mental state was so bad I ended up in the hospital for a week.

I am not even 22 yet. I became an addict in less than a year, and was told by a doctor that I’d kill myself if I didn’t stop what I was doing. She wasn’t lying either. My liver is fucked and any of the fun stuff I was doing is so bad for my mental conditions that it sends me into an episode head first.

This is just a vent post idk.

[qjlove]

Having a crush on a friend is genuinely the wooorrrrrssst. It makes me feel deceitful as hell, especially when you’re pretty sure it’s not reciprocated. I have these feelings that I’m not telling them about, but like shouldn’t they be given the opportunity to make the choice for themself if they still want to be friends knowing that?

It makes me feel like a shitty friend. I try to not let it influence advice I give or anything, but if they knew I liked them would they have still asked? Would they feel like I had ulterior motives?

I don’t want to lose them as a friend, but we are also both adults and can probably handle it in a mature way. Not like I’ll be off in the sidelines hoping for them to change their mind, but they can’t know that for certain. It could taint their perception of me.

[qjlove]

Some of our mutual friends speculate they may like me back after all? Idk. We jokingly flirt with eachother and make jokes about the time we hung out all day as a date.

But I can’t tell if they’ve shown genuine interest in me in that way, I’m not great at those specific social cues.

[qjlove]

Told him I how I felt knowing he very likely does not see me that way. I didn’t do it in the hopes of anything, I just wanted to stop feeling so deceitful.

It went well I think? Pretty sure we’re still friends and that things will be awkward for a bit but overall be fine

[qjlove]

Having a crush on a friend is genuinely the wooorrrrrssst. It makes me feel deceitful as hell, especially when you’re pretty sure it’s not reciprocated. I have these feelings that I’m not telling them about, but like shouldn’t they be given the opportunity to make the choice for themself if they still want to be friends knowing that?

It makes me feel like a shitty friend. I try to not let it influence advice I give or anything, but if they knew I liked them would they have still asked? Would they feel like I had ulterior motives?

I don’t want to lose them as a friend, but we are also both adults and can probably handle it in a mature way. Not like I’ll be off in the sidelines hoping for them to change their mind, but they can’t know that for certain. It could taint their perception of me.

[qjlove]

Some of our mutual friends speculate they may like me back after all? Idk. We jokingly flirt with eachother and make jokes about the time we hung out all day as a date.

But I can’t tell if they’ve shown genuine interest in me in that way, I’m not great at those specific social cues.

[qjlove]

Regarding my friend who I have some feelings for, I kinda asked them out? It isn’t overtly romantic, but I asked if they’d like to see a musical with me and they responded positively. That could just be how they are though, so I won’t make any assumptions.

In any situation I’m happy to just enjoy his company.

I’m probably going to tell him how I feel soon, but I just want to enjoy their status quo for a little longer.

[qjlove]

Having a crush on a friend is genuinely the wooorrrrrssst. It makes me feel deceitful as hell, especially when you’re pretty sure it’s not reciprocated. I have these feelings that I’m not telling them about, but like shouldn’t they be given the opportunity to make the choice for themself if they still want to be friends knowing that?

It makes me feel like a shitty friend. I try to not let it influence advice I give or anything, but if they knew I liked them would they have still asked? Would they feel like I had ulterior motives?

I don’t want to lose them as a friend, but we are also both adults and can probably handle it in a mature way. Not like I’ll be off in the sidelines hoping for them to change their mind, but they can’t know that for certain. It could taint their perception of me.

[qjlove]

Apologized to someone I ghosted a little while back. I have felt bad about it ever since I did it because that’s just not the kind of person I try to be. I was going through it hardcore and they definitely didn’t deserve to get ghosted after I had been crashing out at points.

They were a cool person and I genuinely wish them the best, but I am not that, not for them. I probably led them on as well, but I just wanted a friend so badly at that time. I was mentally so fucked and I had nobody around who seemed to give a damn. I feel bad about how I kinda used them. It is up there on the list of shitty things I’ve done. Not high on the list because I’ve done a lot of shitty stuff, but it’s on the list.

I wish them all the best in their endeavours and I hope they can find someone who treats them well.

[qjlove]

They understood and forgave me which was nice.

I wasn’t really looking for forgiveness, but I’m happy that it was given. We had a small chat and wished eachother the best. They were very kind about it and I think they’ll find someone who will really be good for them.

[qjlove]

Apologized to someone I ghosted a little while back. I have felt bad about it ever since I did it because that’s just not the kind of person I try to be. I was going through it hardcore and they definitely didn’t deserve to get ghosted after I had been crashing out at points.

They were a cool person and I genuinely wish them the best, but I am not that, not for them. I probably led them on as well, but I just wanted a friend so badly at that time. I was mentally so fucked and I had nobody around who seemed to give a damn. I feel bad about how I kinda used them. It is up there on the list of shitty things I’ve done. Not high on the list because I’ve done a lot of shitty stuff, but it’s on the list.

I wish them all the best in their endeavours and I hope they can find someone who treats them well.

[qjlove]

I am so tired of trying to be better. Not that I’m going to stop, but it’s just tiring. I see the gap between where I am at and where I am trying to be in so many aspects of my life, and it crushes me. It’s demoralizing.

I can’t stop trying though. I know what that would mean. It would mean death. That doesn’t make trying to improve myself any easier.

I’ve made progress that much is noticeable, but it also does not really make me feel better. In my own eyes the bar is in the ground and yet I still struggle to clear it.

The bar was once in the depths of hell, I’ve raised it. I’ve progressed, but it doesn’t get easier to improve when you get better in that way, it becomes harder and harder because the things you need to do are harder.

I’m just so tired. Mentally and physically. It would be easier if my friends reached out, at all. But they don’t. I don’t blame them for it, it’s not like any of them have ever been good at it. It is just hard to want to reach out when I’m like this, when my instincts say to isolate myself further so I don’t become a burden or make anyone uncomfortable or annoyed. I am alone most of the time. It sucks. People aren’t meant to be alone for the whole day every day for a week. Aside from therapy I don’t really get to talk to people in person. It weighs on me.

There aren’t easy solutions to this shit. I have to trudge through and keep pushing even if I want to give up so badly, because if I do that I am going to die. Maybe not immediately, but I would. I’m not sure I would be able to get back up if I let myself fall down. So I keep pushing even if everything screams at me to stop.