1. Hi hello yes I am back to escort you into the warm, embracing hands of potterhood, where magic is real and the world is a happy place
2. See kids, sometimes lying to yourself in order to avoid crippling depression helps
3. Anyway, back to our old pal Harry, who is once again back in the Dursley home, because Dumbledore is a huge twat who doesn’t give a shit about anything except sherbet lemon
4. And socks, apparently
5. (I secretly understand the obsession with socks, because if your feet are cold, nothing is worth living for anymore). I mean, look, SCIENCE:
6. “Harry moved the tip of his eagle-feather quill down the page, frowning as he looked for something that would help him write his essay, “Witch Burning in the Fourteenth Century Was Completely Pointless — discuss.” – Harry is legit the only kid to be actively interested in his homework during summer vacation. I didn’t even remember what the word meant during those three months.
7. “Indeed, Wendelin the Weird enjoyed being burned so much that she allowed herself to be caught no less than forty-seven times in various disguises” – Wendelin gives new meaning to the phrase “fake it til you make it”
8. “Hedwig had been absent for two nights now. Harry wasn’t worried about her: She’d been gone this long before. But he hoped she’d be back soon — she was the only living creature in this house who didn’t flinch at the sight of him” – friendly, gentle reminder that if you really look into it, Harry’s story is FUCKING DEPRESSING, MY POOR INNOCENT CHILD
9. “Remembering their last meeting as he stood at the dark window, Harry had to admit he was lucky even to have reached his thirteenth birthday” – honestly, at this point, Harry and Voldy should just meet as pals for coffee like once a year in June and discuss how Voldy will fuck up again and Harry will beat him and just make it a yearly occurrence; no sense dragging it out, they could use that time to catch up on reading or learn a new hobby
10. “Bill, works as a curse breaker for Gringotts Wizarding Bank” – if I worked as a curse breaker, you’d need curse breakers for ME because of COURSE I’d fuck up somehow in the first 4 minutes on the job
11. “Harry — this is a Pocket Sneakoscope. If there’s someone untrustworthy around, it’s supposed to light up and spin. Bill says it’s rubbish sold for wizard tourists and isn’t reliable, because it kept lighting up at dinner last night” – PETER YOU SNEAKY LITTLE SHIT THERE YOU ARE THE SKEANOSCOPE KNOOOOOOOWS
12. Hindsight is a bitch
13. “then Hedwig turned up! I think she wanted to make sure you got something for your birthday for a change” – get yourself a pet like Hedwig, bless her soul (already crying, 4 books in advance)
14. “I’ve rewritten my whole History of Magic essay to include some of the things I’ve found out. I hope it’s not too long — it’s two rolls of parchment more than Professor Binns asked for” – Hermione is legit not fucking around ever. Vacation or no vacation, the girl knows her priorities.
15. “Apart from his friends, the thing that Harry missed most about Hogwarts was Quidditch, the most popular sport in the magical world — highly dangerous, very exciting” – of course Harry would miss the only legal highly dangerous thing available lolololol
16. “He knew that Hagrid would never send him anything dangerous on purpose, but then, Hagrid didn’t have a normal person’s view of what was dangerous” – okay tally time, let’s see, we have Norbert the baby dragon, Fluffy the not so baby giant dog, Aragog the not so friendly GIANT ASS SPIDER – of COURSE Hagrid would send Harry something every sensible person would run screaming from
17. “Extremely unusual though he was, at that moment Harry Potter felt just like everyone else — glad, for the first time in his life, that it was his birthday” – I will repeat this until the end of my existence: HARRY JAMES POTTER DESERVED FUCKING BETTER AND Y’ALL ARE EVIL PEOPLE FOR HATING ON HIM BECAUSE IN ORDER OF THE PHOENIX HE WAS ANNOYING FOR LIKE 5 SECONDS BECAUSE HE WAS SUFFERING FROM HONEST TO FUCK PTSD. LIKE, TAKE THAT STICK OUT OF YOUR ASS
18. “Dudley had spent most of the summer in the kitchen, his piggy little eyes fixed on the screen and his five chins wobbling as he ate continually” – raise your hand if you relate to this; I mean – food and TV are my major passions in life
19. “Far from wishing Harry a happy birthday, none of the Dursleys made any sign that they had noticed Harry enter the room” – reminder that I don’t care who wants to justify the Dursleys’ mistakes, you’re wRONG and I hate you
20. “Ripper had chased Harry out into the garden and up a tree, and Aunt Marge had refused to call him off until past midnight” – honestly, the abuse that Harry has suffered throughout the years… fuck me, it’s a miracle he’s a functional human being wtf
21. Honestly though, reading these growing up, I always hated the book parts set in Privet Drive. It’s such a depressing setting and seeing poor Harry go through all that shit… UGH, MY BBY
22. Aunt Marge is probably my least favourite character after Umbridge. I LOATHE HER STUPID FACE.
23. “Do they use the cane at St. Brutus’s, boy?” she barked across the table. “Yes,” said Harry. “Excellent,” said Aunt Marge. “I won’t have this namby-pamby, wishy-washy nonsense about not hitting people who deserve it. A good thrashing is what’s needed in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred.” – L O A T H E E E E E E E
24. HISS HISSSSSS MOTHERFUCKER
25. “If you can speak of your beatings in that casual way, they clearly aren’t hitting you hard enough. Petunia, I’d write if I were you. Make it clear that you approve the use of extreme force in this boy’s case.” – what the fuck, you loathsome evil little cockroach
26. “At that moment, the wineglass Aunt Marge was holding exploded in her hand. Shards of glass flew in every direction and Aunt Marge sputtered and blinked, her great ruddy face dripping” – would it be too much to wish that one of those shards had embeded itself in her neck? Yes? Too much? *sigh* FINE
27. “Dudley was eating his fourth slice of pie” – um, same. PIE IS LIFE, SAY IT WITH ME
28. Honestly, Harry inflating his aunt was a service to the entire universe.
29. “He was stranded, quite alone, in the dark Muggle world, with absolutely nowhere to go. And the worst of it was, he had just done serious magic, which meant that he was almost certainly expelled from Hogwarts. He had broken the Decree for the Restriction of Underage Wizardry so badly, he was surprised Ministry of Magic representatives weren’t swooping down on him where he sat” – this is literally the definition for “holy fuck I’m fuuuuuuuuucked…. fuck”
30. “Then he could get the rest of his money out of his vault and . . . begin his life as an outcast” – poor boy was legit contemplating his life as an outcast, because his STUPID family were a bunch of bigoted assholes, incapable of love or human emotions
31. I am SO ANGRY OKAY??
32. “Harry saw, quite distinctly, the hulking outline of something very big, with wide, gleaming eyes” - *in the squeakiest voice possible* HIIIIII SIRIUSSSSSSS HIIIIII HI HI HIIIIIII
33. “Black murdered thirteen people with a single curse” – little ol me was like “whoaaaaaaaaaaaa”
34. “He, Harry, had broken Wizard law just like Sirius Black” – poor baby is comparing blowing up his aunt with killing 13 people, doesn’t everyone understand that Harry must be protected at ALL costs??
35. Someone give him a blanket, a teddy bear and a warm hug for fuck’s sake
36. Legit though, the whole Knight Bus ride is like a psychedelic ride lol
37. Honestly now, if the Ministry was on alert because they assumed Sirius would go after Harry and that Harry needed protecting, they did a SHIT job at it lolololol. A 13 year old eluded Ministry people without even trying
38. Im cry
39. “They are your family, after all, and I’m sure you are fond of each other — er — very deep down.” – let’s retire this ancient notion that just because someone is family/blood, you’re supposed to love them kthxbyeeeeee
40. “Last year, I got an official warning just because a house-elf smashed a pudding in my uncle’s house!” he told Fudge, frowning. “The Ministry of Magic said I’d be expelled from Hogwarts if there was any more magic there!” – Fudge is like: it’s okay Harry all is good and fine; Harry be like: hold up I HAVE RECEIPTS for MYSELF
41. “There was something extremely odd going on. Why had Fudge been waiting for him at the Leaky Cauldron, if not to punish him for what he’d done? And now Harry came to think of it, surely it wasn’t usual for the Minister of Magic himself to get involved in matters of underage magic?” – friendly reminder that Harry is not fucking stupid. Sure, he didn’t take a letter from the huge pile on the floor and opted to try and catch one in the air in Sorcerer’s Stone, but we all have our moments
42. “The Azkaban guards have never yet failed . . . and they are angrier than I’ve ever seen them” – yes I don’t imagine Sirius escaping would be very well seen in the quarterly Dementor status report meeting
43. “It’s been a very weird night, Hedwig,” he yawned” – yes it has been, Harry my boy, but at least you’re out of that gods forsaken house DAMN YOU DUMBLEWHORE
44. Because we all know, deep down, Dumbledore is somehow to blame for most things
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