if you have kids, you should make a point to keep up with how they’re doing in school, who their friends are, what they like to eat, what they can’t eat, their medications and why/when/how they take them, their daily routines, what their chores are and if they need any help with them, the interests that are important to them, the things they struggle with, etc., etc.
you should have a rough idea of when your kid will need new glasses, when their last dental appointment was, how long they’ve been complaining about certain symptoms, what their usual mood is like at different times of the day so you NOTICE when something is wrong.
you should know how to listen to them and encourage them and you need to learn how to teach skills and good habits and motivate without instilling fear. you should know what makes them feel better when they’re sick and how to comfort them when they’re afraid or angry or sad.
if you’re the parent of an infant, you should make a point to learn how to tell what your baby needs. if they use formula, you should know what kind. you should know their nappy/diaper size and what products (powder/ointment/etc.) keep their bottom happy.
you should also be keeping track of when things your kid needs are running low, and making sure they are gotten in a timely manner.
if your children are members of oppressed groups you’re not part of – if you have a daughter, or a trans child and you’re cis, or an autistic child and you’re allistic, or a racialized child and you’re white, etc. – you need to take the time to research, to read what adults who share that traits say your kid needs. you need to actively support your child and help shield them from the hatred and enforced roles they will receive elsewhere.
these are the kinds of things a good parent does. you should not get a pass on being a good parent just because you’re a dude and “you don’t know that stuff”. this excuse is incredibly common and it is unacceptable.
women read parenting books, go on forums, talk to doctors, join parenting groups, ask other parents questions, and spend time with their children. we are not born with childcare knowledge any more than you are; it is work to learn these things. sometimes you will mess up. that is part of the learning process; it does not mean you “just don’t get that kind of thing” and should never have to do it again.
not only is it unfair to expect the women in your life to shoulder this work alone, but it is unfair to your children to be in their lives AS a parent but not do parenting work. Your kids need you. They need you to step up and LEARN to do the work that you haven’t been expected to do before.
Do you know how many people grow up and just… don’t have relationships with their fathers? maybe you don’t, either. it’s not always because these fathers were violent or mean or hateful. Sometimes it’s because they just never bothered to be parents or build a good relationship with their child. Don’t let your kids go through that. Don’t make them grow up with a mostly uninvolved stranger for a father.
And if you are not willing to do all this work, maybe you should plan to not have children, and take steps to make sure that you don’t. It isn’t acceptable to make a choice to bring a new human being into the world and live with them only as a stranger.
There are different standards for motherhood and fatherhood, and that hurts children. What we think of as “motherhood” is mostly just good parenting for any gender, with extra dashes of self sacrifice because we expect far more of women than is reasonable.
If you want to figure out if you’re being a good parent, put yourself in your child’s shoes and imagine you are their mother, not their father. Would you be happy with a mom who was only willing to put in the amount of work you do?
