e g o s v m v i t a n i h i l

Paden | Idaho | 25 | Welcome to my poetry blog. This helps me get over bad things that have happened to me.

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

“we will conquer this wilderness, it will not consume us” leviticus 16:21-22

11.26.19 0106

every day i wake up in the shadow of my shame as i search for the meaning of a seemingly meritless life and to assign blame for the reasons that don’t seem to get it  right the first time to find a name or source to shift this tubulence of mine onto the goat to send it to the desert that i live in but at least it will be at arms length instead of a self-conjured  possession

i use to think that the shame came from trauma from the things that have been told to me by seeking solace but now it’s obviously low emotional intelligence like i’m fixated on something but as i get older it seems that i’m just living through other people

i have not time for me, there is not time for me living in the shadow of my shame economy where nothing is noble and nothing is real and passion is animal in my ascetic vacuum sealed and cut off from the world where perception is valued of mindfulness is that really what i value though? or is it just the monastic madness

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

that god will save me from depression (mark 15:34)

2.13.19

when will it ever be enough when will success be success to me how much of this is self-perpetuated by false me and false belief at what point do you stop hating yourself for taking initiative and try to create a whole life wholesome endeavor consumed in self-hate at what point does that existential weight stop weighing you down because at twenty-six years old i am worn out is it the loveless years that drag on wrapped up in work as a wage slave or is it the consistent neglect of myself in the day after day after days gone by and when do you stop believing that God will save you from depression although you’ve asked and tried to reason it’s a scourge He won’t save you from perhaps this is my burden to bear the thorn in my side and my cross to carry i just wish i could come to terms with a life of splendor before I’m buried

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

that love is not traumatic (mark 9:24)

2.11.19

i have abandoned belief in love and given place for my heart to harden like the pharaoh of old no willing to give power and the plague of loneliness will descend and as well as I cope it will not mend or fix my endless proclivity to seek pleasure and avoid pain

forever in flux in abandonment of belief for something more ascetic in my desperate need to leave behind the debt that i’ve acquired from all the foolish things i’ve done from all the stimuli that perpetuate my austerity i used to believe that  love is not traumatic but i can’t quite pinpoint when i stopped believing it and i miss the meaning that my life used to have i used to have sense of existential belief Lord i used to believe help thou mine unbelief

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

calcify

11.7.17 11:22 PM

turn your heart to empty and the space that’s left to calcify remove yourself from vulnerability and turn the place for love to ash no more tabernacle of romance no more place for holy turn your heart to empty and calcify

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

11.4.17 2:03-2:27

i have abandoned belief in love and given place for my heart to harden it doesn’t seem like love does much the utility doesn’t come around often most of the evidence point toward the dissonance left by love on lonely nights personal or vicarious, mine or yours or maybe it’s just my confirmation bias here in my monastery of madness here in stone upon my hill steeped in my affliction aesthetic living against my own will in the name of motive which is inherently unjustifiable

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

i recall

5.22.16

the anniversary of my first relationships is coming up and  this is the first year that  i am to deal with it i am unsure how i’m going to react i have told myself that i am  disinterested in recalling “it’s just another evolutionary culdesac” in the theory of me but as i go through  the memories of a year ago and i find her dispersed  in cracks and cells of the  memories i am much more  interested in deleting them all together because if the toxin is not  within then cancer cannot grow i want to find romance romantic and i want to hang onto what i had back then but i  recall and recall what was and i recall that i wanted was and all i can do is recall better times and as i recall in the departing that the more i write the more the  inspiration runs out and nothing  is original anymore i was always caught up in my rational and objective thought i’m on the table i have opened myself my heart in a bowl and my brain on the scale every memory a cell of cancer every memory an incurable disease i will finish this meta-masochism in time my rational objectivity and my love all i have at the end of the day given back to me with the crude sutures the millstone through which my  life is ground with everything and everyone my memory of this the millstone i carry around my neck weigh me under and the buoyancy is lacking just enough oxygen to stay subconscious just enough weight to romanticize autopsy and drowning and waiting for my time to come

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

domestic situations

i went to help a friend tonight but the time ran out  we  just caught up and talked while standing around at his parent’s house he borrowed me for some help he needed even though we didn’t get to it he wanted to feed me and for me to spend time with his family i had eaten before i came to this humble residence to help a friend it was just a gesture i couldn’t see of hospitality as his family and all gathered into the center of their house i impulsively decided  it was time to leave i don’t know what it is about domestic setting that makes me anxious i’m socially awkward and private i don’t even know what it is but i’m not good at it with no ambition to try more to be more than a nobody means aspiration and that’s bad, or something all i know is that i care about the abstracts that i do and need to devote more time to them and that oceanic feeling because i don’t want to enter the spectrum  of abandoned people consulting abandoned people even though people are actually real i’ll just end with some things that i feel music never left psychology lends its incandescence and caffeine never bails

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

sequestration (Luke 14:5)

1.17.17 1:24 AM there are some days that i ponder and i really start to believe  that i live to suffer for others and that i also sequester pain i think about why i do it but i don’t have any solutions perhaps people are aversive to the refining of their suffering perhaps that another false perception in my collection like there’s some debt to be paid for this western sequestration of pleasure and some emotional economy will collapse if someone doesn’t pay the piper and i will be that Jesus Christ for someone else’s convenience because the depression reapers are yonder and they don’t don the scythe of lenience for if i continue in the mire something will change or happen just to be passed over again in the event of someone’s pleasure sabbath

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

nobility/love

when i was young i used to think that to live was to discover nobility and in my mind when i would think about what that constitutes i assumed that it involved love, that it drives one’s life and it takes them far and that one allows that flame to be the refining that ascends a person from the basilar to nobility as i have grown in my attempts to assimilate myself into these cultural life scripts i have grown weary of what it takes the failure and the heart ache what people do that makes it work I don’t know and I have had enough i am basilar with a life of no flame there is no nobility and there is no love ego sum nihil sufficient

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

romance is a distance

11.20.16

romance is a distance from each other and from ourselves we are each other’s shadow boxes lying hypodermic on the shelf we tell each other stories so that we may stay wrote in our precious little life scripts “stay in love to stay afloat”

all we do is hide ourselves our anxieties and doubt in the frail heart of another  just to keep them displaced out my fleshy prison of heart and my lover inside of mine as we keep our arm’s length distance that is the romance that keeps us fine the holder of all of my bad things this lover of mine I trust  we are more distant from each other  than God is from each of us

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

romance in the 21st century

11.20.16

we treat dating like it is a game but there is no real rulebook everyone goes in guessing what the other person wants them to be the more time you spend together the further ambiguity goes away or something we approach it like the other person should know what i want i should get the bill or their commitment to the Marvel religion we talk but we are alone just projecting onto another soul hoping to find out what  the environment thinks of me dating is the game where  the environment might talk back intimacy could be farther from the truth we hide ourselves in others to hide from ourselves and then we hold each other close  knowing that the other person is all our bad things the shadow box of all our respective pasts our coping behavior for existential dread to be scholarly is to be dead romance reigns and i don’t know anymore

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

in defense of conservative society

following the pheromones from the hive to the field i don’t know the way alone but the community can guide me eyes to the ground from the hive to the field following the pheromones on the way out don’t pay attention to the environment please

my eyesight is bad and senses weak no need to keep the eyes wide keep in mind what’s in the field the sweet pollen my blushing bride flower to flower cross polination follow the pheromones from field to hive the queen has her work I am to hasten survive, reproduce, die

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

young ambition in a small town

10.4.16

got married young landlocked in debt effusive lungs can’t expand to let the air in young ambition in a small town can’t let the parents down got to follow the path of the hive and join the collective slow dive who’s going to pay for this our bills and our new life together who money will sustain us  through the inclement weather you will follow what you have been modeled  and ambition will cave into the heart young ambition in a small town will lead to nothing from the start and the ambition will have meant nothing to those who had expectations for you less belief more relief find yourself and just leave the less you believe the more you can build and you as the architect can fill the vacant hole for a soul  and the wanting for heroes as opposed to the  young ambition in a small town

build the port board the ship and leave them all to drown

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

“our hand-me-down mistakes”

A little context for this one - 

The title to this poem is a reference to a song called, “Sparrows Fall” by the hardcore band Converge. The quote is from my professor that I took a class on personality theory from. At the end of the semester, he summed up his own personality theory by the quote that I include at the bottom.

-

seeking our worth in others instead of seeking for it within hiding ourselves in others and running from our sin these people are our lovers and we fail and fail again love is how we justify our lack of will to keep living (existential vacuum)

people waste their lives away on things they are socialized to believe a meaningless life quantified by checkpoints and social identity it’s not that those ideas are of no worth or that they are sometimes important it’s the paralysis from socialization that’s what kills me in the end

socialization is how society works and i have come to that conclusion it’s the idea that people cannot function without turning to this worthless medium weak people living weak lives no will to survive no personality and i resent the life that these people lent and youth they lost / lost life the idea that people give away their youth to the ideas they are socialized to think paralyzes my life with anxiety and amplifies that reality that people are not resilient and will erode into adopted life

“all we have is now, and the only people we have are now” 

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

two poems on suffering secondary to loss

I. “L”/Isaiah 53

i am borne of my sorrow product of my agony attempt to be bearer of light too often i am bearer of grief life sometimes comes down to suffering i know i am young but sometimes have had enough my sleep schedule resembles tachycardia during which i am visited by the succubus of lost love this is the closest i have been the stripes born for me have lent me greater light for but a time to return to the lower levels i care not to see myself as a light edifice but the product of an internal reaction the existential vacuum consumes and the lack of light it damns what is the nature of love and man is it salvation or is it doom this fucking hurts II. Masochist Me/Masochist Belief

Psalm 119:105

i can see the suffering  and the pain and doubt in the parentheses between the times of the beauty and the majesty of good people and good times it’s not a storm because i like rain there’s nothing broken i would know i like pain it’s the intermittent reinforcement of my false perceptions that leave me loveless and lightless in the midst of hell and depression

economic me, economic belief self industry and economy and no relief the invisible hand strikes again and the vagrant heart collapses

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

the wood/failure to thrive

in the foothills there is a forest trees of different ages in the wood enormous monoliths stationery for ages young saplings that have barely taken root there is only enough sustainance water and sunlight the needs to thrive the monoliths take and don't afford more the saplings become ostracized the monolith's wood is going to die if they don't stop the sapling's failure to thrive when will it be enough for you people who will be the next necessary evil that will be the interruption to your oligarchic lives the next soul to suffer the failure to thrive

[quantumpsychologydoesntexist]

hands/hooks

1.23.16

some people here think that they live in books celestial bodies animals of passion many live like their hands are hooks collision and then collateral damage where not very realistic things are sure and people live and die by the sword ran through by lover’s hooks for hands suspended in love in name of the lord