My thoughts on paper

||Diana|22|California|| This is where I go to express my inner thoughts and emotions. https://www.instagram.com/snail_lady/

[queen-hare-brained]

By getting older I have lost touch with my world. It has turned from an oasis of possibilities into a spiraling vortex of uncertainty. I am lost. No one is there to be my companion and guide me through the darkness. No one is there to answer my call. I am completely alone.

[queen-hare-brained]

My life’s potential is slowly trickling through my fingers and when I try to stop the flow of sand, more time seems to evade my grasp.

[queen-hare-brained]

I feel so relieved. For the first time, I have someone who cares for me the same I️ do. I have alway been in one sided relationships, either I️ don’t feel the same or it’s the opposite. Though finally finding someone who makes me feel comfortable being myself in front of and truly caring for my well being, is truly a remarkable thing.

[queen-hare-brained]

It’s been exactly 5 months since I first started dating someone. I knew I was missing something in my life before. I was feeling alone and never satisfied with how my life was progressing, but now I’m getting the affection and comfort I always wanted. I wish I could say I was strong enough to be a strong and single female, but I’m not. I needed someone to be in my life where I could shower them with affection and open my heart to them without them running away.

[queen-hare-brained]

Im afraid of growing old. I’m petrified of finding out in 10 years, none of my dreams were achieved and I just worked myself into the ground. Maybe when I’m old all my friends don’t talk to me anymore, I have no one by my side to wake up to in the morning and then I’m just alone. I know one day I’ll lose this pretty face of mine and my body won’t hold the way it used to, but what truly scares me the most is ending up alone.

[queen-hare-brained]

Have you ever just been so happy to be with someone that you enjoy every little thing they say or do? That you're overcome with so much appreciation for this person and yet a person from the past person that you're still trying to completely forget and have moved on from, still somehow ends up passing through your thoughts.

[queen-hare-brained]

The words that were never said leave deeper wounds compared to the scars that are still healing.

[queen-hare-brained]

The first thing you say to me in months is, “can I slide in your dms?” So all I can say is thank you. Thank you for solidifying the fact that you never cared about me and you were only after my body. You always find the best way to hurt me the most.

[queen-hare-brained]

I've always hidden how bad things got from everyone. There was a time were I was completely emotionally destroyed and was crying every night over a broken heart and no one knew. So its hard to be up front about how I'm feeling and what going on in my head at times because every time I share with people about how bad things are, they either stay or run away.

[queen-hare-brained]

Honestly, I've never been the comfort friend. When people need to confide in someone or to be comforted or to feel better about a situation, rarely am I ever called and not often do I ever let people know how insecure I am about it. Because I try to be there for people as best I can, but when they get someone new in the life who is better at being emotionally there for people, their friendship is more valued than mine. Because I want to be that person that even if we don't talk every day or I'm no longer in their lives, if anything is wrong, that those people feel comfortable coming to me at any time. But sadly that is not the life I was meant to live.

[queen-hare-brained]

Sometimes I think about where I was a year ago. What I thought was important and who I was as a person, but now I have a completely different thought process. I’ve turned into a workaholic recluse, but there’s a part of me that’s not mad about it and there’s another part of me that kind of wishes things were different.

[queen-hare-brained]

So I'm finally letting go. I'm letting go of all of the attachments I grew, all the feelings I had, and all of the memories I've been holding onto. It hasn't been healthy the way I've been obsessing over that one person for the past year and finally I feel like I'm at a place in my life where I don't need to hold onto him anymore. I can now fully let myself feel things again without the fear of being hurt.

[queen-hare-brained]

I hate being scared all the time. If I’m alone for too long I’ll start to think bad things will happen. Simple everyday noises soon become my worst nightmare. Sometimes my paranoia is so overwhelming that I’m unable to dig myself out and I need help. But there are time where people can’t be there, so I’m stuck, trapped by my own fears.

[queen-hare-brained]

“How’s it going?” is a question I get asked a lot, mainly in passing or with no thought at all, but it is asked. But honestly, I’m not doing well. Both my jobs are going great and my boyfriend makes me smile so much that my cheeks ache, But it’s still not enough. I’m still tormented by the memories of another and harassed by my inner demons. I hope for the day that I can wake up with peace of mind.

[queen-hare-brained]

I thought I was over him. I got myself a man who tells me I'm beautiful everyday and makes me feel like everything will be okay, but even though I'm overwhelmingly happy, my subconscious is still plagued with the images of a past lover who hurt me. I'm so tired of feeling guilty for being happy.

[queen-hare-brained]

It feels like I’ve been forced underwater and as the water enters every part of my body, I’m let go. I’m able to get a breath of air, only to be pushed down again.

[queen-hare-brained]

I forgot what is was like to wake up smiling or to not have to force a smile when I looked in the mirror. It's so exhausting have to pretend to be happy all the time, but now that I'm genuinely happy again, it's like getting a breath of fresh air.