queen francine

She/Her | still going | still here

[queenfrancinesblog]

hello to the few who see this, i’m typing from Ireland!!

i am from the U.S., but i am currently studying abroad for a semester and just had to take the chance not only to travel, but to see the beautiful country of Ireland! i’ve been wanting to go here for so long, and i’m so grateful to study at one of Irelands top universities and explore the beauty it has to offer. i’ve been to the countryside and its cities, and it’s just amazing to experience.

some years ago, i was battling severe depression and burnout. i had no idea who i was and i could not envision a future for myself at all. one way i expressed myself at the time was through writing poems. one in particular was simply titled “ireland,” wherein a traveler is asking if anyone knows how to get there. to me, ireland meant happiness — going somewhere far, far away from your problems to a new land that’s green, peaceful, and beautiful; where you can just be yourself, free and happy. i never thought i would ever actually get the chance to experience it one day. it felt impossible.

needless to say, i finally found the way to ireland 💚

slowly but surely, i am creating the life i want for myself.

[queenfrancinesblog]

sometimes i feel better off alone.

just me, in a little cottage in the woods, maybe with a cat or two. somewhere quiet and rural, where no one’s there to judge. i feel it’s just where i’m going to end up in life, whether i want it or not. the cute cottage in the woods part probably won’t unfortunately—that’s the unrealistic part.

i have a lonely since i was a child. friends, family, partners, teachers, coworkers, over the years, have slowly made me feel there was something wrong with me, that i deserved it. i struggle with deep relationships and making connections. it’s to the point that it feels it’s not worth the effort anymore. it feels better alone because there’s no one to disappoint. no one to watch my every move. i could be free to just be.

i wish i had more friends. more deep relationships. years of scarring have made it feel impossible.

the thought of being all by myself is so painfully bittersweet.

[queenfrancinesblog]

hello to the few who see this!

wanted to give a couple updates:

i’m doing a lot better!! i got into my top choice university and i’m enjoying the new place, new perspectives, and new opportunities. i’ve been working on making friends, it’s a process for me but i’ve made some connections and i’m hoping for the best

because my university offers health insurance, i’m FINALLY receiving needed medical and mental healthcare. i’m on medication and i’m going to therapy every week. i finally feel like my eyes are finally open and i can truly feel optimistic and do more for myself. i didn’t realize how long i’ve been suffering, or how serious it was, until recently because of it, but i feel like i can actually live and be content.

of course there’s more to do mentally/emotionally, which i’m actively working on, which is expected, but my new methods of self care really help. i’m trying to take a break from social media, mainly youtube, because it just feels so draining and depressing with how much hatred and misogyny there is, and how easily videos can lead to a dangerous alt-right pipeline. i’m glad i caught it and am taking this break so i can just focus on more productive activities. i’ve felt almost addicted to youtube for years so i’m taking it as a good sign.

that’s all the major updates now. i’m just trying to relax on my night off, talk to some girlfriends and watch a comfort movie after seeing so much draining content. here’s to a restful, lazy sunday tomorrow 🤍

i never thought i would get here, and i’m only just starting. please keep going, please keep that spark of hope alive, and please remember you have inherent value and deserve to be happy by the mere fact that you are here 🤍🤍

[queenfrancinesblog]

this’ll be a bit of a rant. i still live w my parents, and sometimes they make me feel better off dead. my dad wants to charge me rent. it’s not a lot i’ll admit, but he thinks he can charge whatever amount he wants and i’ll just have to pay, doesn’t even wanna have a conversation about it. he says it’s like the real world landlords which i think is still bs. he’s not a landlord, he’s my parent, the least he can do is have some fucking compassion and talk first. my parents have threatened to kick me out before for small stuff they don’t like. they don’t really defend me, or are understanding. i feel incredibly lonely and have felt this way for years. i’m certain that if i was in a better environment i’d be doing so much better mentally, physically, financially, etc. they make me feel as though there’s no other choice, that life isn’t worth it. i don’t know what to do. i desperately wanna move out but i don’t have the funds. they understand that the cost of living has gone up significantly for them but can’t extend that same sympathy to their own child that earns much less than them. my dad thinks he’s the big man and can do what he wants. i truly hate it here. i don’t know what to do. thanks for listening.

[queenfrancinesblog]

I am so, so tired.

I’m so tired of this stupid dating pattern I’ve seemed to have picked up. It’s when I start talking to someone and we get along pretty well. We talk daily, consistently, and find we have a lot in common. Like two weeks straight. We plan a date. I get excited, hopeful. I see a lot of potential. They’re smart, cute, respectful, and are attracted to me. They’re eager to talk to me and wanna see me.

We meet up. It goes well. We hang out for a long time. We have great convos. I feel more attracted to them. I feel respected, seen, wanted. I wanna see them again.

And then it just fails. just like that. They’re no longer interested, they-surprise-don’t want anything serious or long term(despite my profile saying boldly that I do), or just ghost.

All that potential, hope, investment, excitement-all destroyed, shattered, crumbled to a pile of rubble. I’m left hurt, confused, and incredibly sad. My chest hurts, and I can’t stop crying. I want to be cared for, to be held, good communication, and just want to be wanted. I want smth genuine. Why does that feel like to much to ask :(

What did I do to deserve this

[queenfrancinesblog]

I’d like to date again. I want to give and receive affection, have someone to cuddle with, and feel loved. It’s just hard. It’s like all the insecurities I felt when I was 19 come surging back and I get so overwhelmed and anxious when something seems “off.” It’s not even inherently a bad thing, I just don’t know what to do or think so I instinctively panic. Like, this person isn’t messaging me back, they MUST hate me. I must just be so ugly and awful they never wanna talk again. Even tho the reason could be as simple as that they’re busy and can’t respond to me now. No, my mind turns to self-deprecation. I hate being mean to myself. I’m still putting myself first and doing my best to be gentle, but I still have my moments.

I want to be loved and believe I will be the way I deserve. It just takes time, and turning to the worst case scenario doesn’t help anyone. It just hurts me more. What happens, happens. I will still be ok afterward. I am still me. I don’t HAVE to have someone. I’m worthy with or without. I do enjoy being in a relationship and would like one, but it’s not the end all be all. I promise.

[queenfrancinesblog]

anyone else's parents do this?

my dad is a cheap, frugal asshole. it's like pulling teeth just to buy the most basic essentials. i know the general amount he has in his accounts, and it's definitely enough to, say, help his own fucking kids paying for things like tuition. i'd kill to have the financial assets he has. and he acts like he's below poverty, one week away from being on the street. sure, he didn't have a lot growing up and that has an effect on you as an adult, but it's extreme imo. doesn't matter what someone buys, he'll throw a tantrum like a 5-year-old when someone touches(or tries to) his precious money. he reminds me of a dragon hoarding a pile of gold.

he treats us like a financial burden. like boo-hoo, your kids that you chose to have and raise need help bc no shit we need help, especially in this economy. asking him to get simple groceries is a challenge. my mom buying small stuff that literally costs $1 is an issue that causes him to blow up as if the bank will come for him tomorrow. i'm so sick of it. me asking for HELP in order to get through college should not me feel worthless when he has all the means to. fuck off.

[queenfrancinesblog]

I'm so sick of living with my parents, but I'm scared to move out. they're so infuriating, constantly arguing loudly and talking in circles and are surprised nothing goes anywhere. they have unhealthy ways of talking and dealing with emotions and just project onto each other and their kids. they make me hate living sometimes. my dad honestly grosses me out. i don't wanna be in the same room as them sometimes.

it's hard trying to move out tho. i don't have a ton of money saved up and i just want to try and make it through school first before i try to move out, but they make it harder and harder every day. it's a huge step and i feel i may just be setting myself up for failure. not to mention the current economy and greedy landlords don't make it easier.

a friend of mine told me about a couple months ago or so that she'd like to have me as a roommate, and i'd like to ask her again, but i get so overwhelmed that i don't. i want to wait until i've calmed down to have a calm convo, but it never gets to that. someone else i knew in hs reached out and told me to contact a friend of theirs, someone i don't know, about being roommates and that also gives me anxiety. i don't know this person, and i feel guilty for not reaching out, but it's a lot to just suddenly talk to someone about living together and just hoping it works out bc you desperately need it to, ya know.

i hate feeling this way. i feel stupid and ungrateful and overreacting and making problems for myself. i just wanna help myself get to a better place but it's scary, especially when your own family doesn't help matters. i just wanna be in a better place.

[queenfrancinesblog]

I just feel so terribly, utterly alone :(

[queenfrancinesblog]

I want to make more friends. i feel like my other friends don't appreciate me. not all of them, but enough. it's hard for me to make friends tho :( i don't go out much and i'm not sure how to make friends online. i assume just join certain communities and talk to ppl that way? but, like, idk which sites to use, how do i just randomly talk to new ppl, etc etc. i'm good at communicating, texting back, all that, once a relationship is established, but starting said friendship is difficult. bad social anxiety and all that :/

being "there for yourself," self care and such is super important, but ppl are social. we need community. you can only be there for yourself so much. when no one else is in your corner it hurts. i feel like we don't value friendships enough-certainly not enough to treat the ppl we supposedly love with respect. too many times i've just been suddenly ghosted and i've been left with just hurt and never knowing why, ya know. makes me feel worthless. nothing wrong with getting off your phone and not talking to ppl for awhile, but it's like we just expect our friends to be ok with that; to be ok with being seemingly left behind with no explanation.

i just want more friends. friends who talk, who WANT to be there and understand, and actually communicate. that's not a lot to ask for in friendships.

[queenfrancinesblog]

God I wish I was someone’s priority. One of their favorite people. I want someone to text me first. I want someone else to initiate a hang out session. I want someone else to randomly send a funny vid or an “I love you” text. Why is it always me, only me, starting convos and inviting people and doing basic friend shit. So rarely does someone else texts me first that I’m so surprised when it does happen.

It makes me feel unloved, left out, ignored. I tell myself that’s not the case, that I’m loved and people wanna be around me and talk to me but when I don’t hear from them and when they like never initiate it hurts so bad. It hurts so fucking much. Am I asking too much. I don’t talk to that many ppl anyway so when I go so long with little contact(unless I start it), it leaves a hole in my chest. I feel selfish for wanting to express this.

I just wanna be someone’s first choice, or one of their main choices. Please. PLEASE.

[queenfrancinesblog]

My parents say I can live w them “as long as I want,” then make jokes about adults who still live w their parents after 25, and how I basically need to be out of the house by 30 :(

I don’t feel wanted. If I could move out Rn I would. They just don’t understand. It’s so hard to find a place to live out here, especially when you’re by yourself.

[queenfrancinesblog]

TW: depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, etc

I need help. I don’t see a point. In anything. I don’t want to live. My parents keep making things worse. I just want to exist and be happy, and they keep trying to enforce their beliefs onto me and control me. I hate it here.

I feel like nothing good will ever happen, like I won’t have a happy life. I want the pain to end. I feel like a huge burden. I have to walk on eggshells around my parents. I feel like I won’t accomplish anything, let alone something that’ll improve my living situation. If even something good does happen, how much longer will I have to suffer to get to it? I doesn’t seem worth it.

I’m rambling but I need to. My parents can’t see past their own wants. I don’t feel loved, or wanted. I just wanna die.

[queenfrancinesblog]

Just in a lot of pain :/ my chest hurts sm. Overwhelmed by sadness that won’t go away. I wish I wasn’t here sometimes.

Idk what my future looks like. I feel like I don’t have one. I don’t have any goals or passions. I just want the pain to go away.

[queenfrancinesblog]

**TW:** mention of depression, suicide, suicidal ideation

my reality is slowly crumbling around me :( no longer in a relationship, and i'm gonna have to move out. possibly back w my toxic parents. probably gonna have to quit my job. gonna have to leave my precious kitty behind. so much is changing.

what a way to begin 2022.

i hope everyone else's year is better than mine. my mental health feels like it's spiraling. had to contact the suicide hotline :( honestly feel like i should be on a suicide watch sometimes. i've thought of ways of dying. it hurts sm.

trying to find a separate place to stay, either on my own or w a roommate, but that's really hard too. just moving somewhere potentially pretty far away w no job and not a lot of money is so hard. i've thought about a gofundme. idk. my brain is fried.

if anyone has any advice, links to good jobs or low income housing, i'd really appreciate it. hope you have an amazing day.

[queenfrancinesblog]

I want to fucking die. I have nothing left. There’s nothing for me here. I feel like I wasn’t made for this life.

[queenfrancinesblog]

Period started. Made things worse as you can imagine. It’s tough being soft and gentle w yourself when you’re so used to thinking you’re worthless, stupid and even better off dead. Still trying.

I wish I could be complimented and loved all the time. Not just by others but by myself too.