Bad Cripple

Jesse (she/they) | housebound disabled lesbian | mobility aid user (waiting on wheelchair since 2017) | white superfat disability justice enthusiast | ask me for a respirator rec!

[howilearnedtocope]

How Radical Acceptance can help you cope with Chronic Illness

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term, Radical Acceptance is a DBT skill. You can read much, much more about it in this excellent post from @shitborderlinesdo, but the basic idea of radical acceptance is to acknowledge reality and stop fighting against it. You can still be angry, sad, or hurt by that reality, but the goal is to acknowledge the fact that there are some parts of your situation that you cannot change. 

Radical Acceptance has been absolutely KEY to me creating a life worth living, especially once chronic illness turned my life upside down. Here are some examples of what this could mean for someone with a chronic illness/disability

That you stop obsessing over “what if’s” trying to imagine ways your past self could have prevented your illness/disability and accept that it *did* happen and you need to move on from here. (This is especially relevant to those who became disabled suddenly, such as in an accident)

That you stop searching for a cure if evidence suggests one does not exist, and focus on managing & controlling your symptoms

That you can accept that you *do* need treatment if your disease calls for it, and that denial will not make your illness go away

Accepting that some of your past goals or plans may no longer be realistic, and allowing yourself to mourn this loss

Accepting that no matter how diligently you stick to your treatment, you do not have full control over your condition

Accepting you may never have a satisfying answer to why this happened.

Acknowledging that even though it’s not “fair” that you are ill and/or disabled, that it *is* what happened, and you need to work with where you are.

Accepting that your life can be worth living, even with chronic conditions

It does NOT mean that you need to be happy about this. It does not mean you can’t wish you were healthier, or work towards a goal to be. It does not mean you have to like being sick/disabled, or suddenly believe this was all some blessing in disguise. All it means is that you acknowledge the reality of your situation, and transfer your energy from fighting reality to working for a better life within it.  

Radical Acceptance can be a slow and difficult process, but it’s so important. It allows you to validate the emotions you’re feeling by acknowledging the reality of what you have lost. It can lessen the emotional pain associated with your illness (over time) and save energy spent fighting something you cannot change. Ultimately, it can be the foundation of a life worth living. And you know what? No matter what, you *do* deserve a life that is worth living <3

[shitborderlinesdo]

What is Radical Acceptance / Reality Acknowledgement

Radical Acceptance / Reality Acknowledgement is a Distress Tolerance Skill in DBT.

I’ve had bad experiences with how Radical Acceptance is taught and how it can be a really harmful concept if it’s not taught properly (my previous post on How to Practice Reality Acknowledgement went into some of those reasons).  I’m not going to pretend that I can teach Radical Acceptance any better, but I do hope that by explaining my personal understanding of the concept that I developed so I could apply the basic concept to my life regardless of how poorly it was presented to me will help some of you in some way, and I’ll include my personal understanding alongside the way it’s presented in the Skills Training Manual for DBT.

It’s important to note that Radical Acceptance (despite the positive connotation of “acceptance”) is not encouraging you to condone or approve of the things in your life that are causing you pain, nor is it saying that the pain this thing is causing you is okay. 

What Radical Acceptance really is, is acknowledging reality instead of fighting reality (with denial, with procrastination, with many things really).  This is why I prefer to call it Reality Acknowledgement because it doesn’t have any of those positive connotations that make it difficult for people to accept the premise of this concept/skill.  Reality Acknowledgement along with a concept of a more positive perspective of Radical Acceptance, can help you come to terms with many things, such as painful events, painful emotions, and painful thoughts that display hatred towards yourself.

It’s a skill that you use when you cannot stop painful events and painful emotions and painful thoughts from coming your way.  Having BPD makes us much more sensitive to painful things like this, our disorder makes us feel the pain more intensely, and the intensity of our feelings can lead us to want to push all this pain away and deny it because we can’t handle it.  Some of us may try to deny the effects that having BPD can have on us, and some people have a very hard time accepting the reality that BPD is something most of us will struggle with for a very long time and that few of us will ever be able to feel comfortable or ready to call ourselves a “recovered borderline.” 

This is why it’s especially important learn to apply Radical Acceptance / Reality Acknowledgement to things you cannot accept about yourself, as well.

So what IS Radical Acceptance / Reality Acknowledgement?

Radical means all the way, complete and total

It is accepting / acknowledging in your mind, your heart, your body, and your soul

It is when you stop fighting or denying reality, and stop becoming overwhelmed and hurt and upset when reality is not the way you want it to be or what it should be in your eyes (though it’s important to note you are allowed to be hurt by hurtful things and to be upset by upsetting things, don’t invalidate your emotions when practicing this skill)

“Acceptance” does not mean approval of the things that are hurting you or condoning these painful things as okay or right

It also means acknowledging the facts of situations or things that we cannot change or fix

And ultimately through Radical Acceptance /  Reality Acknowledgement you can come to terms with painful things and “free yourself” from the burden of bitterness and (emotional) pain that causes suffering.  However, in some cases suffering is not something you can free yourself from, but you can Radically Accept that your suffering is valid

Radical Acceptance / Reality Acknowledgement is a very important skill to learn in DBT while on a journey of recovery because the way I understand it, it can be incredibly validating and help you come to terms with painful things in your past and present.

What Has to be Accepted / Acknowledged:

Reality as it is.  The facts about the past and the present are the facts, even if you don’t like them or approve of them or think they were fair.  This also means accepting / acknowledging the parts of your past or present that you want to deny ever happened.  Denial of reality (fighting reality) will only make healing from these painful parts of your past or present even harder.

There are limitations on the future for everyone, though these limitations for people with BPD and other mental illnesses are often greater than they are for non-borderline individuals and neurotypical individuals.  However, only realistic limitations need to be accepted / acknowledged.

Everything has a cause, including events and situations that cause you pain and suffering.  These causes don’t excuse the pain an event or a person has caused you, but you have to accept / acknowledge that all things don’t just happen randomly (though some might) and that there is often a cause for what is happening to you or situations you find yourself in that you don’t like, or even parts of yourself that you don’t like.

Life can be worth living even with painful events in it.  This is especially important for people who have BPD because we feel a lot of pain and suffering, and we’ve often gone through a lot of terrible things.  But pain and suffering does not reduce the worth of your life or whether you deserve to live.  You deserve happiness but you might not always get it, so this point is really important to remember and accept in hard times.

Why should you Accept / Acknowledge reality?

Rejecting or fighting reality does not change reality.

Changing reality requires you to first acknowledge that reality. Acknowledgement/acceptance of reality can give you the beginning strength to start working to change the aspects of reality that you believe are not okay, or not just, or not fair.

Pain can’t be avoided; it is nature’s way of signalling that something is wrong.

Refusing to acknowledge reality can keep you stuck in unhappiness, bitterness, anger, sadness, shame, or other painful/negative emotions.  Nevertheless, you have a right to feel these emotions. You just don’t want to be stuck feeling these emotions forever, and acknowledging reality is the first step towards healing from painful things that cause negative emotions.

Acknowledgement may lead to sadness, but sometimes a sense of deep calmness or inner peace follows.  It can be comforting to come to terms with reality as it is rather than the frustration that comes from fighting it and denying the painful things that may have happened to you.  It can also give you strength, strength in your knowledge or beliefs, as well as strength to change the situation in order to improve it.

“The path out of hell is often through misery.  By refusing to acknowledge/accept the misery that is part of climbing out of hell, you will eventually fall back into hell.” (That’s directly from Handout 11 in the Skills Training Manual but I couldn’t figure out how to reword it in order to make it more acceptable to people of other faiths or no faiths where hell is not a thing)

The way a friend described Radical Acceptance to me, which is similar to how I conceptualize it, is that fundamentally you’re acknowledging that you don’t have control over everything that happens to you.  A lot of what happens to you may be terrible or awful or unjust or unfair, and your feelings about those things are valid.  It’s not your choice that these things are unfair, for example, but ignoring it, denying it, or refusing to acknowledge it will not help move you to a place where you can heal from the shitty things that have happened in your life that are affecting you.

You’re allowed to hate the things (in particular, people) who have badly hurt you.  But if that hate consumes you, it will control you and drag you farther off the path of recovery and self-acceptance.

Radical Acceptance / Reality Acknowledgement is about acknowledging and accepting that you don’t have control over anything but yourself and that you have to work with what you’re given, even if what you’ve been given is shitty. You can’t change what you’re given in life.  You’re allowed to feel/think that this is unfair and unjust, because it often is!  But those thoughts should be used with Radical Acceptance / Reality Acknowledgement or else they will just spawn more negative emotions rather than giving you the strength to change the things in your life which are within your control.

Reality Acknowledgement gives you the first and most basic tool that you can use to fix situations that are hurtful to you, if that situation can be fixed.  Ultimately, you can use Reality Acknowledgement to learn the facts about a situation and then you can develop a plan to either change that situation, or a plan for how you can emotionally cope with a similar situation.  This is called “Coping Ahead” which is an Emotion Regulation Skill. (We will discuss this along with all the DBT skills on SBD eventually)

Radical Acceptance can also be applied to yourself.  People who have BPD (and other mental illnesses) often feel like damaged goods or unworthy of love and resent that they ever developed this disorder.  Our first impulse when many of us were diagnosed was to deny that it was even possible for us to have BPD.  But through Radical Acceptance (using acceptance here to have a positive connotation), you can learn to grow to accept who you are even though you have BPD.  I think that’s something many of us are working on, learning how to accept ourselves when we feel like so much is wrong about who we are.  But those are judgements, and the reality is you’re a person who happens to have BPD.  And that’s one of the first steps you can take towards accepting who you are and ultimately growing to love yourself.

Reality Acknowledgement has helped me a lot personally, once I was able to conceptualize it for myself rather than the ways I was taught that invalidated my valid feelings about my pain and the suffering I’ve endured.  It was Reality Acknowledgement that actually helped me come to terms with the fact I was seriously abused by a number of people, and that knowledge of reality gave me the strength to finally sever contact with my abusers.  I was lucky that it worked out the way it did or else I still would have been emotionally tied to one of my abusers and I never would have been able to have the healthy and loving relationship I do now.  I’m still a work in progress. 

Reality Acknowledgement / Radical Acceptance is not a magic fix for anything, it still is work and sometimes it can feel like thankless work. Also it can take a while for you to fully be able to Radically Accept / Acknowledge Reality in the way you need to for your recovery.  It can take time, it can take a lot of time and there will be times when you slip back into fighting reality (especially if you’re triggered by something) but it’s a work in progress.  Some days it might be easy to acknowledge something bad that happened, but not so easy (or even impossible) on other days. Don’t get discouraged! 

Ultimately, Reality Acknowledgement / Radical Acceptance is an important component of DBT for helping people start their journey of managing overwhelming painful/negative emotions that result after painful or distressing events by acknowledging the things that have hurt them.

I hope this helps you understand what Radical Acceptance / Reality Acknowledgement is and how to use it.

Further Reading: How to Practice Reality Acknowledgement Step By Step for Abuse and Trauma Victims, Things that Interfere with Reality Acknowledgement

TL;DR: Radical Acceptance / Reality Acknowledgement is a DBT Distress Tolerance Skill that encourages you to acknowledge reality as it is, despite what you wish the reality was.  It encourages you to stop fighting reality (usually by denying it) and acknowledge what has or is happening to you or people around you. 

Radical Acceptance / Reality Acknowledgement teaches us that the only thing we have any control over is ourselves and that it is futile to try to change things that are out of our control–this is why we must acknowledge or accept these things.  It can also help ease negative emotions by validating your emotional response while also giving you the strength to change the aspects of your situation that are within your power to change.

-Pandora

[howilearnedtocope]

This is long, but it’s important. A longer post from me will be coming soon, but basically radical acceptance is super important for creating a life worth living with chronic illness. The goal is to stop fighting reality - the reality that you are sick - and start making choices within those constructs. It’s hard, but it’s incredibly powerful

[cripple-punk-dad]

Ok so at this point I've had two people roll up to me in manual wheelchairs, well, one of them was somebody pushing somebody who was nonverbal at the time, but it still counts. They asked me why I had zip ties around my tires.

It's winter where I'm living and we have really bad snow. And the snow plow people are really bad at their jobs probably because there aren't snow plow people who clean sidewalks. As a solution I got to thinking about how I could increase the traction on my wheels. And the most redneck thing I could think of was taking a bunch of zip ties and tying them around my wheels. They last surprisingly long, and work surprisingly well. It's basically the same premise as chains for your tires during the winter.

I chose to space them out pretty evenly so there's about one for every spoke. You could probably do more or less depending on how many you want and how much traction you get but I wouldn't go more than three per spoke. I realize that it's a bit later in the winter, and I probably should have made a post about this sooner, but I came up with it about a week ago. So please share this, even if you're not disabled, because there are tons of people I know who are stuck in their houses because they can't get around in the snow. A pack of zip ties costs about $5, which compared to $200 knobby snow tires is a big save, and if you want to invest you could get colored zip ties.

[4rk-in-the-road]

I think the reason a lot of leftists struggle with disability justice is that they haven't moved past the concept that discrimination isn't bad because it's objectively "wrong." yes, sexists are objectively wrong when they try to claim women are dumber than men. yes, antisemites are objectively wrong that jewish people are inherently greedy and run the state. yes, racists are wrong when they try to claim that white people are the superior race. and so on.

but then with disabled people, there are a lot of objective truths to the discrimination we face. people with IDs/LDs do fall behind and struggle with certain concepts. physically disabled people are often weaker and less capable of performing demanding tasks than able bodied people. many of us with mental illnesses are more reckless and less responsible. a lot of us are dependent on others and do not contribute much "worth".

and guess what? disabled people still deserve a place in the world. disabled people still deserve the supports they need. because they are people, and that should be enough to support them and believe they deserve a place at the table.

if your only rebuttal against discrimination is its objective inaccuracies, you are meeting bigots where they are at. you are validating the very concept that if and when people are truly incapable of being equal to the majority, that means they are worth less. this causes some leftists to then try to deny the objective realities of disabled people and/or become ableist themselves.

your rallying behind marginalized groups should start and end with the fact that people are completely worthy of life and equity, because they are fellow human beings and that should, frankly, be enough.

[stormysapphic]

anyway here's to disabled people who are not healing. disabled people who are not recovering, ever. people with disabilities that only get worse and worse over time. people who cannot access treatment for their disabilities or whose disabilities simply aren't treatable. people who know they'll only get more and more disabled as time goes on. people who know their disability will kill them sooner or later. you are seen, you are important, you are not dead weight, and you deserve support.

[stormysapphic]

also disabled people whose symptoms get worse faster than they can get used to their present state. disabled people who can never really learn to manage their symptoms.

[4rk-in-the-road]

I think the reason a lot of leftists struggle with disability justice is that they haven't moved past the concept that discrimination isn't bad because it's objectively "wrong." yes, sexists are objectively wrong when they try to claim women are dumber than men. yes, antisemites are objectively wrong that jewish people are inherently greedy and run the state. yes, racists are wrong when they try to claim that white people are the superior race. and so on.

but then with disabled people, there are a lot of objective truths to the discrimination we face. people with IDs/LDs do fall behind and struggle with certain concepts. physically disabled people are often weaker and less capable of performing demanding tasks than able bodied people. many of us with mental illnesses are more reckless and less responsible. a lot of us are dependent on others and do not contribute much "worth".

and guess what? disabled people still deserve a place in the world. disabled people still deserve the supports they need. because they are people, and that should be enough to support them and believe they deserve a place at the table.

if your only rebuttal against discrimination is its objective inaccuracies, you are meeting bigots where they are at. you are validating the very concept that if and when people are truly incapable of being equal to the majority, that means they are worth less. this causes some leftists to then try to deny the objective realities of disabled people and/or become ableist themselves.

your rallying behind marginalized groups should start and end with the fact that people are completely worthy of life and equity, because they are fellow human beings and that should, frankly, be enough.

[queer-slime-vessel]

Take me to yr leader // no new friends https://www.instagram.com/p/CLDEaXOFkYk/?igshid=6tgxw8zvxlz6

[queer-slime-vessel]

Hi new followers! Figuring it’s overdue to re-introduce myself. I’m Jesse! She/her/hers nonbinary femme, Leo sun/Cancer rising/Aries moon. I’m a doctoral candidate at the CUNY GC in composition and rhetoric, and I write about femme access pedagogy, embodiment and trauma, digital writing, and critical disability studies. I’m also a poet and essayist and have books with #SiblingRivalryPress and #DamagedGoodsPress and #DancingGirlPress and pieces in Entropy, @nat.brut , and @blanketseamag among many others. I’m sick and disabled and rest a LOT to cope with my hypermobility, chronic fatigue and pain, cPTSD, and neuroqueerness. I’m a fat white bisexual originally from NC based in Brooklyn and use a cane and rollator to get around. What else? I have two cats and two beautiful partners. I like indie video games and audiobooks about anti-Blackness and science fiction. Because I can lay down, I watch a lot of TV and work on a few web projects for my academic fellowships. On this account, I share a lot of fundraisers for sick and disabled, Black and Indigenous, and working-class folks, along with lots of resources intended for white folks who want to do more and better to address our racism, ableism, and white supremacist ethics. Image descriptions in comments!! https://www.instagram.com/p/CEesvZTjqb2/?igshid=1sr3s4osvmr46

[queer-slime-vessel]

My amazing girlfriend keeps putting together these gorgeous high-contrast posters for #AwayMessageReadingSeries and I’m in love with the Piscean energy of this one. OH and this lineup will be 🔥🔥🔥 join if you can, and a captioned video of the whole reading will be up on YouTube after! I live-tweet from my bed. Can’t wait to “see” y’all 😇💖 | #AccessibleVirtualReading #AwayMessage3 #QueerPoets https://www.instagram.com/p/CAyF5ZBjiWz/?igshid=10s2prplp7gx5

[queer-slime-vessel]

SOCIALLY DISTANCED HUMANS join me and some brilliant pals for AWAY MESSAGE a remote reading for quarantine times. New poems abt Blade Runner, Star Trek: Voyager, and sick and disabled subjectivity 🤓 Pay me so I can redistribute yr donations to sick and disabled folks living in precarity. I do work so you don’t have to!!!! xoxoxox | #RemotePoetry #AwayMessage #DigitalDistancing https://www.instagram.com/p/B92HDJ7Fc9J/?igshid=jbo7rgicxirs

[queer-slime-vessel]

Right now we need to tune into the wisdom of sick and disabled writers, artists, activists, and advocates more than ever. If your only source of news is from a corporate conglomerate, TURN IT OFF. Buy MORE THAN ORGANS by @brownroundboi (pub date TODAY from #SiblingRivalryPress ) and listen to sick and disabled, queer and trans BIPOC like Kay, whose inexhaustible advocacy for their communities is a beacon of hope in dark times. | #SickAndDisabledQueers #SmallPressPoetry #MoreThanOrgans https://www.instagram.com/p/B9ox2WRlI-i/?igshid=ojtsfbn2umo4

[queer-slime-vessel]

Weird to be experiencing such conflicting emotional states: pride at passing my coding exam, excited abt the conference I’ve worked super hard to make accessible, tuned into an ancestor spirit with the help of @dorimidnight and @corpusritual BUT meanwhile facing alienation from what’s ostensibly my scholarly community at school—ableist, manipulative admin weaving their own narratives of victimhood, as if students coming to them for support is an offensive inconvenience to their inherent import and not in fact their primary job working in support roles in higher ed. Being gaslit is now so familiar to me in my previous life as a crazy baby femme with loads of unresolved trauma around masculinity and men who wielded “normalcy” as a weapon to pathologize me. Now, I expect this: from partners’ families, admin, HR, anyone lacking a truly intersectional feminist praxis and the self-awareness to commit to growth. But this doesn’t do away with lingering impacts of cPTSD. I’ve spent more time than usual in my head lately and my body is feeling the consequences. Here’s to rest, pacing, and sick camp with @sufferingthesilence next week. | #GetYrPraxisRight #AntiAbleistPolitic #GangingUpOnDisabledPeopleSucks https://www.instagram.com/p/B8Sy0UrF2o7d5u2I4TnmkeCSAZnNgpIW2iH_4A0/?igshid=1j02fo31eidwh

[queer-slime-vessel]

Been struggling with sleep for most of my life—stopping and starting medications, upticks in flares of pain and fatigue, complex PTSD and enhanced anxiety have all impacted my ability to get restful sleep. I’m finally at my #SleepStudy that has been rescheduled three times due to medical neglect and mismanagement and hoping for some useful information. Send me sleep vibes! | #HospitalGlam #MoreWiresMoreProblems #BigSickEnergy https://www.instagram.com/p/B7PrwFRFkiVuSdFpcdGOH33najzi3of1EWhMYc0/?igshid=ntwaaia4qo72

[queer-slime-vessel]

I see y’all like me talking abt my feelings! Spending time this week in big recovery mode: cupping, compression everything, gua sha, heating pad, electrolytes, acupuncture, lots of bad TV, new meds, skincare, and laying down. It’s in my nature to work on lots of projects at once, and sometimes this gets overwhelming on top of disabling pain and fatigue. So when I need to rest, usually at the close of a semester, I no longer beat myself up for taking the time I need away from commuting, writing, researching, and caring for myself. More naps, resting, comfy chairs, comfy clothes, 2K20. We’re all susceptible to the guilt of not doing enough, but honestly let’s cast that off by encouraging once another to rest and by resting together. | #TopNine2019 #RestIsTheBest #AntiCapitalistNaps https://www.instagram.com/p/B6RM3hzlT-K/?igshid=19o5b3gopbwg1

[queer-slime-vessel]

Some truly gorgeous work in the latest issue of Nat. Brut! I don’t love posting all my publications on social, but my poem here is about being Southern, sick, and astrological placements—including forgiveness. Super proud to show work alongside some brilliant writers in this issue!! | #LinkInBio #SouthernPoetics #LibraLilith https://www.instagram.com/p/B5Vfau1lW3w/?igshid=10qrqwic35yny

[queer-slime-vessel]

NYC! BLOOD BOX LAUNCHES TONIGHT. | #QueerPoetry #BloodBox #BookLaunch (at Bureau of General Services-Queer Division) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4nL3EqFIfx/?igshid=g2ar1487c7bx

[queer-slime-vessel]

Just sharing a #NoFilter selfie of myself after a few days of resting, recouping, trying to manage my intense, crippling pain that makes daily maintenance chores, self-care, work, socializing, maintaining relationships, writing, reading, generally being “productive,” difficult to impossible day-to-day. The concept of “usable hours” has been useful lately to explain what my life is like to non-disabled and healthy people: depending on the day, I have 4-6 usable hours to do everything I need to do: shower, cook, run errands, commute, work, attend meetings or medical appointments, write and read, anything. Healthy folks tend to have more like 10-15, depending on lots of factors. Y’all can work 8 hours and go out after. If I do this, I’ll be unable to leave the house for several days. Just here to remind y’all—my mostly-abled friends and colleagues—what life feels like with unpredictable chronic illnesses and severe pain and fatigue. It’s not glamorous, I am not lucky because I get to stay home, I am struggling to figure out my intellectual and creative ambitions on such a minimal capacity. If I am the only disabled person you follow or count as a friend, change that now. Follow sick and disabled Black and brown folks, trans and queer folks, fat, Indigenous, disfigured, crazy, immigrant, and autistic folks. Start by listening, asking how you can help, and thinking about others’ needs—not just your own. Reblog us, pay us, advocate for our inclusion when we’re not in the room—when you’re not getting a treat for doing the right thing. Thanks for reading, and to @dr4gon_femme for the face cupping inspo! | #AccessCenteredMovement #TheFutureIsAccessible #NotGettingWellSoon https://www.instagram.com/p/B3VKr2jFQHk/?igshid=128v1brfbz60h