here for all your queer questions!

this blog is dedicated to helping people learn stuff about gender/sexuality/romantic orientation!

[queerhelpblog]

Can I identify as polysexual, bisexuality, and pansexual under the understanding that poly-multiple genders, bi-multiple including your own gender, and pan-all genders? Or would people get upset and offended because I was label hogging or something? Because I see polysexual as the overarching term, so every bi person is poly, but bi is also an overarching term- so every pan person is also poly and bi. ?

Honestly? You can identify however you please. I can see how bisexual people might take issue with their identity falling under the pan umbrella (or vice versa) because of the long-running history of bi and pan communities fighting to distinguish their identities from one another, but everybody has a different definition of bisexual that they feel suits them best (attraction to two genders, to their own and one other gender, to their own and other genders plural, etc), so if you want to identify as such according to your own perception of these labels, go right ahead! The one thing I will caution against is declaring all people of a certain identity to also be something else (that they may not identify with for one reason or another) based on your own personal definitions. Your identity, though, is entirely your own! I hope this helps!

-Mod Elliott

[queerhelpblog]

what is amag or something like that

uhhh i’m not sure what you’re referring to? mag(NUMBER) [eg mag09] is the abbreviation for the number of episode of the magnus archives a statement is; maga is make america great again (which i don’t think i’ve reblogged anything like that except to gripe about it ?) i apologize, other than that i’m not sure what you’d be talking about

[queerhelpblog]

hey, poly anon again!! thank you for your response and the resources/advice you offered!! even after just scratching the surface i found a word that fits exactly what i've occasionally daydreamed about which is "polyfidelity". i always thought that's what polyamory was, but always ended up confused when 99% of the definitions i'd find were about having multiple partners, but not everyone being involved all together. now i have a good foot to push off of and figure this stuff out more :')

I'm so glad we were able to help! I wish you luck as you dive deeper into your identity <3

-Mod Elliott

[queerhelpblog]

hey there! ive recently been questioning that i might be polyamorous, but was wondering if you had anymore info on it off the top of your head, or had some good resources i could look into? several years ago i was introduced to the concept, and ive been thinking about it a lot over the last few days and.. having 2 partners is an idea that's been very interesting to me.. i dont really know what my question is other than "any advice, i need guidance". thank you for any answer you give!

I'm so glad you asked, because I recently came into my identity as a polyamorous person myself! From an initial google search, I find that MoreThanTwo.com is pretty comprehensive in its resources and educational information for both polyamorous and monogamous people. I recommend their FAQ and other information to get started on what being poly really means, and from there you can reflect on whether or not you think it's right for you as a relationship style. I was educated most thoroughly on polyamory by activist Phoenix Mandel, so I highly encourage looking for in-person seminars and experiences with polyamorous people who know the ins and out by heart and can help guide you along building a foundation.

The biggest thing to remember along your journey is to communicate with partners and potential partners about everything you're feeling in regards to your relationship and romantic identity. This will allow you to meet each other's needs in a way that normalizes serious conversations about your relationship and doesn't have to involve bottling things up until they burst. Be honest with yourself and your partner(s), and you're already a big part of the way to properly practicing polyamory (say that five times fast). Additionally, it's okay if you come to realize that polyamory isn't for you, or any other forms of consensual non-monogamy. It's not for everyone, and that doesn't make you "fake" for identifying with it for any period of time. It also doesn't make you a bad person or a bad partner.

I hope this helps!

-Mod Elliott

[queerhelpblog]

Is there a term for being sexually and romantically attracted to females but also romantically attracted to males?

The first part depends on what your own gender is (could be lesbian, hetereosexual, or gynesexual depending on whatever’s comfortable); but the second part is probably biromantic no matter what!

-Mod Ginger

[queerhelpblog]

I honestly do not wish to offend, and if I do I am sorry, but is it okay for me to ID as bisexual? I want to be in a relationship with a girl or a guy, but I have only ever had crushes on guys. Is wanting to be with a girl indicative of potential romantic attraction or is it just me trying to "be trendy"? I'm really confused, and would appreciate help. Btw, I really appreciate this blog!

Your past relationships and crushes don't define your identity if you feel deep down that you have the potential to love girls too! If you're thinking about it enough to question it, I sincerely doubt you're just subconsciously wanting to be "trendy." Identify as bisexual all you want if that's what feels right! I hope this helps <3

-Mod Elliott

[queerhelpblog]

Okay but remember that western gender roles aren't universal and most of the world, and even the laws and scientists of the United States, define gay people by exclusive same sex attraction. Someone assigned female & sexually attracted to other assigned females is homosexual. Same sex attracted. And that's not transphobic because the trans community was literally started by homosexuals like Sylvia Rivera and Marsha P. Johnson plus all the unnamed trailblazers in Germany with Magnus Hirschfeld.

Okay I have a lot of things to say here, which I probably shouldn't bother with because somebody will always get mad about it but I'm going against my better judgment here.

1. What do gender roles have to do with any of this? We didn't mention a single thing about gender roles or their westernized ideals. Furthermore, why bring up legal definitions of homosexuality when the law has never been on our side? Laws do not define identities; remember when being gay was legally a disease, not only here but across the world? The legal system is still catching up with the existence of nonbinary people, but we still exist when there are only laws recognizing male and female genders.

2. Why bring Sylvia and Marsha into this? They did not "start" the trans community, since there have always been transgender people in the world, and they don't define that homosexuality means or what transgender means or what anything means just because of their status as very important historical figures. What you identify as is your business, and anon doesn't have to call himself homosexual if he doesn't want to, because it may very well be uncomfortable for a man with dysphoria (though I can't speak for any dysphoria he has, so this is just theoretical) to call himself homosexual when attracted to vaginas. Sex and gender can always factor separately into somebody's attraction to a person; as I've stated, I'm a pansexual person who has an aversion to penises in a sexual setting. Pansexuality isn't defined by the community as a whole as being attracted to all sexes, but rather all genders. There are surely some pan people who are exceptions to that, but largely that's what we've taken it to mean. And so, by that logic, homosexuality can mean same-sex attraction, but it can also mean same-gender attraction, depending on whether the person in question prefers to define themselves as different things based on romantic and sexual attraction.

One more thing: we are constantly evolving as a community, and things are always changing. It is counterproductive to tell a trans man that he is homosexual if he doesn't want to identify as such; would that still be his applicable label if he were to surgically transition? Or would he then he forced to label himself as heterosexual regardless of how he views his own sexuality? That's none of our business, and we only want to help people think through their identity for themselves, not assign them labels they don't want. That's never our intention, and I apologize if we have ever said or done anything that goes against that principle. I'm done talking about this.

-Mod Elliott

[queerhelpblog]

If anon includes people of all genders in their afab attraction he is absolutely NOT being transphobic and it’s inappropriate as hell to tell him to reconsider his sexuality. Please don’t shame people for not being attracted to literally everybody. That’s so inappropriate

I've already addressed that the wording in our answer of that ask left too much to interpretation, and I'm sorry about that. But that wasn't what we were trying to say; Ginger noted that post-op trans women who were not AFAB would fall into anon's spectrum of sexual attraction, whereas AFAB post-op trans men may not, which throws a wrench into anon's generalization of his sexuality as a whole. We wanted to encourage him to think critically about things like that, and additionally about cases where people he sleeps with wouldn't necessarily be comfortable having their vagina be the definitive point of his attraction to them. For example, other trans men who are pre-op and have bottom dysphoria, or post-op trans women who may view anon's attraction to them as hinging on their transition, which is unfortunately transphobic when I know he doesn't want to cause any harm to his fellow community members or anybody he's attracted to. We never said he needed to be attracted to everybody, but rather that it may help his understanding of his sexuality to keep in mind that genitalia as a factor of attraction will always be a rocky and unpredictable subject, so it's best to just tread carefully and always think critically beforehand rather than regretting one's actions later.

-Mod Elliott

[queerhelpblog]

He said he liked trans men nb afabs and cis women so how on earth are they defining their attraction on transphobia or even genitalia??? Trans men can have penises if you're thinking they only like vaginas so it sounds like...you're the one who needs to examine their views on gender? Anyways trans anon: you don't even *need* to define it if you aren't sure what to call it!

He said clearly that he was sexually attracted to people with vaginas, described as DFAB which implied to us that these were people /currently/ with vaginas. The original question was regarding that aspect of his sexuality. And you'll notice that in an addition to that post that we made after this shit blew up, we did note that he doesn't have to label his sexuality if he doesn't want to.

-Mod Elliott

[queerhelpblog]

also? remind that previous anon "women" and "feminine persons" are not the same category.

I assume you're aiming for the man who sent that anon back in October to see this. I don't see any mention of those two terms being conflated by anybody involved in these posts, and I guarantee that that anon, as a trans man, and Ginger and I, as often fem-presenting nonbinary people, understand the distinction.

-Mod Elliott

[queerhelpblog]

ok but i'm agender and it's real heckin dumb to say EVERYONE must be attracted to gender when sex is visible and many enbies don't have a visible gender, a nonfluid gender, or a gender at all.

We know that. We're both nonbinary and I myself am pretty much only sexually attracted to people with vaginas regardless of gender, much like the man who sent us that ask. Ginger was not intending to say that gender needs to be the defining characteristic for everyone's attraction universally, but rather than gender must be taken into account when it comes to attraction to a specific type of genitalia because many people of differing identities don't always feel comfortable being defined by their genitals in a sexual setting, such as if they experience bottom dysphoria. I get that the way it was worded was open to a lot of interpretation, but what we attempted to do was help somebody make sense of HIS OWN sexuality, not making general sweeping statements about everybody ever.

-Mod Elliott

[queerhelpblog]

(same anon) that makes complete sense, I agree with all of it. You're right that I've been attracted to men, women, nb, so bi or polysexual makes sense to me, but I've never been attracted to anyone amab. nothing to do with their identities. I just don't know how I fit into the queer community 😢 dont think im pan (cuz no cis men, trans women, or nb amabs) and I know I'm not straight or gay, and I keep seeing really specific words for all types but never one for what I feel. I just feel alone.

Hi anon! I mentioned in a reblog of your original question that you are more than welcome to message me off anon and I’ll respond privately with my own url; but I recognize you may be looking for a notification, so here’s this as well!

-Mod Ginger

[queerhelpblog]

I (F) like the idea of stargazing with women/ feminine persons in a romantic ish way. A romantic relationship with a feminine person sounds good and I could see myself being happy there. But the idea of being in a relationship with a man just... doesn't seem easy to imagine. Whenever I think of Male genitalia I feel repulsed but I dont know if I'm asexual or not. I do fantasize about fictional (m) characters in a romantic setting. Wtf am I?

To me, it sounds like you’re a lesbian experiencing compulsory heterosexuality! It’s common for lesbians to daydream about relationships with fictional men, since they’re often written better and more complexly than men in real life often present themselves to be. Everything you’ve said sounds like you’re a lesbian; so don’t be afraid to explore the term!

I hope this helps!-Mod Ginger

[queerhelpblog]

Hi! I’ve been seeing the words compulsory heterosexuality and I was wondering if you could elaborate because I’m worried I suffer from it. I always have to think about girls in order to finish during sex and I find the male genitalia really gross and unappealing. However I find myself wanting to date boys/wanting validation from men/wanting that « movie ending » with the strong handsome man who is crazy for me. But I’m not sure if it’s real because I really hate straight sex...

That is basically definition compulsory heterosexuality! It means that you are heterosexual because society wants you to be, not necessarily because you are. It’s a result of being raised in a straight society: it sounds like girls are much more appealing to you, but you’ve crunched yourself to fit people’s expectations.

The easiest way to break out of this is to explore the feelings you have. Have you thought about relationships with girls? You can have a big strong girl who’s crazy for you!

Additionally, if the men you’re attracted to are mostly fictional, that’s a good sign that you are probably experiencing compulsory heterosexuality. Men in stories tend to be written with a lot of depth, and that combined with the lack of depth for many fictional women makes it a lot easier to daydream about those men.

Hope this helps!

-Mod Ginger

[queerhelpblog]

I'm a cis-het Christian gal, and while queer stuff is against my religious beliefs and I don't promote it, I still accept it & defend it. Does this still make me an ally...? Or do I have to be willing to also promote the community?

You have to be willing to promote the community. The community is just as important as the orientation, and an important source of learning and comfort for a lot of young queer people. You can’t really have a queer person without the community-- it’s often, if not always, essential in accepting who you are when you’re queer.

Thank you for taking the time to ask, though! It shows that you care, and really do want to be the best ally you can be. That’s important, and I’m glad to have you on our side.

-Mod Ginger

[queerhelpblog]

So I’m a girl and currently identifying as a demisexual graysexual polysexual, and I’m attracted to guys and non-binary people(I know there are different types, I’m open to all of them) but I’ve had crushes on girls lately but I’m still attracted to guys and non-binary people so would I be like pan or would I still be polysexual?

It’s up to you to choose whatever label is most comfortable to you. It sounds to me like you’re pan, but it’s your decision in the end. If you do decide to switch labels, it may take a while for pan to feel comfortable: don’t worry about that, it’s a natural part of changing labels.

Good luck!-Mod Ginger

[queerhelpblog]

So I’m demisexual and gray sexual and I found a cute asexual pin online I was going to get since I’m on the ace spectrum, and they don’t have the pins for the specifics I am, so I wanted to know if it’s appropriate for me to get them since I’m on the spectrum but not specifically ace.

Absolutely! The ace flag represents everyone on the ace spectrum-- it’s the equivalent of a bi, pan, or lesbian person getting a pin with a gay flag. Go forth and be your aspec self!

-Mod Ginger