Hello. I’m a lesbian and my significant other is nonbinary. I’ve never dated a nonbinary person before, how do I make them more comfortable/loved in the relationship? Please help!
Every non-binary person is different, so it’s best to ask them what they’re comfortable with themselves.
Just as a heads up, some non-binary people may be uncomfortable dating someone who is continuing to ID as a lesbian because it might make them feel like their partner sees them as a girl when they’re not, but it’s something you’d have to discuss with them.
Here are 5 things you might want to discuss:
Dysphoria! Ask that they share with you when they’re feeling dysphoric instead of bottling it up and keeping it to themselves, and then also ask what you could do that would help them if they experience dysphoria
How to support a trans person experiencing body dysphoria
Gendered terms! Ask what type of gendered language they’re comfortable with. Do they want to be called a significant other, a partner, a datemate, or a boyfriend or girlfriend? Do they want the relationship to be referred to as gay, straight, or queer? Do they want to be complemented with male-leaning terms like handsome, or female-leaning ones like beautiful?
Gender neutral terms to call a partner
Misgendering! Who are they out to? Are they in the closet at work, with their family, or at school? Do they want you to correct people who misgender them, or only in certain situations?
Telling your parents about your partner’s pronouns
Sexual situations! Do they want to have sex? What kind would make them the least dysphoric? Make sure they know that you won’t pressure them into it no matter what, and they can tell you if you’re feeling dysphoric. On some days they may not be comfortable with you touching their chest/genitals etc, but they may be alright with it on another day.
There’s sex-specific info here and here.
How to have sex with a trans person without being gross
Gender fluidity! Do they have the same identity all the time, or does it fluctuate? If it changes, how will they convey to you the change? Will they show it in their clothing, or with an accessory, or a text? Do they want different gendered terms at different times?
How to date a trans person
How to be a good cis lover to your trans partner
Navigating transmisogyny in your relationship
Dating a nonbinary person
How to support your nonbinary partner
Dating someone who is nonbinary
We have more info on being an ally to a trans person in our Ally resources page if you aren’t familiar with the trans community