Questioning?

All asks are posted publicly. Request if you want it private :) This is a resource for everyone questioning their identity on the LGBTQ+ spectrum - whether it be gender or orientation, there's a place for you here. All mods are LGBTQ+, allies, and/or questioning. Our ask box is always open! Make sure to check out the sidebar links for more resources and information.

[questioning-resources]

Hey there's an LGTBQQIA event going on next week, should I go for it? I'm a little nervous, plus I haven't really discussed my questioning with anyone, let alone my family (thankfully they are not homophobic, however).

Sorry this is super late, but go for it if you’re comfortable and it’s safe for you to do so! It might be a burden off your mind to be able to talk about it.

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I'm sorry but I'm SO confused. What is Cis? I keep seeing it and I 1/2 understand it and kinda don't. When I see it used it's usually really bad or insulting. Is Cis another word for Sissy? Is Cis an insult? Is Cis bad?

“Cis”, or “cisgender”, just means “not transgender”. It was created because saying “people who aren’t transgender” is a mouthful! “Cis” is a Latin root meaning “same”, which is opposite to Latin “trans” which means “across”. It literally doesn’t mean anything bad!

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Is it bad that i'm scared of my sexuality changing due to hrt?

Nope! That’s a common worry for people to go through. You’re definitely not alone in that regard. It’s scary when a fundamental part of ourselves changes.

Know that this is still an issue that isn’t totally well-researched yet. It may or may not change, and really it’s different for everyone. Know that no matter what happens, you’re only human.

Confusion around changing sexual orientation for trans people (cw: outdated language, sex mentions) | How Trans Men Deal with Their Shifting Sexuality While Taking Testosterone (cw: alcohol, sex mentions) | Blog: Question Four: Will taking hormones change your sexual orientation? 

[questioning-resources]

I'm biologically female but I don't feel so. At the same time, I don't feel male either, yet the terms agender or non-binary doesn't describe exactly what I feel. I feel as if who I am is a gender, not feminine nor masculine, just me. Is there a term for this feeling?

There are! There are some words people have coined with this feeling in mind.

Autogender: A gender that cannot be described by any preexisting terms because it feels too personal and deeply rooted to one’s own self-identity.Egogender: A xenogender that one can only describe as themselves, or by their own name. Often - but not always - used as a placeholder for gender questioning people. Someone who is egogender may insert their own name as a prefix (ex. Samgender, Terrygender, etc.). (A friend of mine ID’d this way for a while)There are others but these two may fit what you’re describing the best.

[questioning-resources]

(amab) I've been questioning my gender for over a year now. I've hated my body ever since I can remember, but I've only recently started to wonder if dysphoria could be a contributing factor. Autism has definitely been a confounding factor in my introspection, and I don't feel like I can trust my own judgement. As much as it would be easy to just say that I'm trans, I really can't reach that conclusion with any sort of certainty. Any autistic trans resources? Stories?

Hello! I am also autistic and trans. I wish there was like, a forum for us. Realizing that I had physical dysphoria was a huge first step for me, too.

There are also plenty of transgender and nonbinary individuals who embrace thair autism and gender, and how they interplay. There are some nonbinary gender identities that have been coined for autistic people, such as autigender: when your gender is influenced or defined by being autistic.

Here are some links I did find:

Living between Genders on Spectrum News | ASAN (amazing LGBT-friendly organization) | Gendervague: At the Intersection of Autistic and Trans Experiences by Task Force

[questioning-resources]

I'm cis and I think I might be bi/pan but I have zero experience with nonhetero relationships and I'm in monogamous hetero marriage so I doubt I'll have the opportunity to know for sure in the future. I'm less concerned about figuring that out and more concerned about feeling like an impostor in places like Pride events and LGBTQIA+ spaces online. Would it be more respectful to continue to say I'm just an ally and stay in the cishet lane, so to speak?

You are absolutely welcome in LGBTQ+ spaces, even if you’re not out, even if you’re just questioning! You never have to out yourself in these spaces if you don’t feel comfortable doing so, and anyone who asks you how you identify is being rude. These spaces are great for questioning people because they offer a judgment-free zone for people to explore themselves and their identities.

When we talk about Straight people or Allies™, we mean the people who say things like, “I can’t be homophobic because I have a gay friend,” “I’m okay with it just don’t hit on me lol,” or who otherwise call themselves allies but aren’t willing to listen to us or educate themselves past “gay is okay”. And yes, there /are/ spaces out there where allies are excluded, but are welcoming of questioning people – this is just to create an understanding, safer environment among people of a certain identity.

TL;DR feel free to enjoy pride and participate in other spaces!

[questioning-resources]

Hello guess who now has a new laptop

Several weeks ago my old laptop finally went kaput on me. Never buy a Toshiba. RIP Toshitty 2014-2017.

I am now back! I will be adding more mods in the future.

[questioning-resources]

I'm questioning my gender and my main issue right now is that, though I've found many labels to describe my gender, I want to use none of them. It's not that they feel wrong per se, it's just that I don't have any attatchment to them. They haven't 'clicked', if you get what I mean. When I first read the term 'asexual', before I even started questioning my sexuality, I nearly slammed my computer closed because I was slightly scared of how it resonated with me. (1/?)

(2/?) When I first read about nonbinary genders, as a pre-questioning 10-year-old, I was SO excited, I immediately called my mom to tell her, because FINALLY something to describe me. Now that I am questioning, I found a lot more specific labels to describe my experiences, but I’ve had no reaction to them. I don’t care for them. Which sucks, because I WANT a label.(3/?) The only gender I’ve gotten excited over thusfar is demiboy, but the more I read about it (including experiences from other demiboys) the more I realize that it doesn’t fit me. I don’t partially feel like a man (or at least I don’t think so, I don’t get the binary), he/him pronouns make me uncomfortable, no dysphoria or euphoria (I’m afab), etc. And it sucks, because I WANT to be a demiboy. But I’m probably not and feel no connection to other labels, and it makes me really bitter.(4/?) For clearness sake, labels that I found thusfar that fit me include: polygender, demigirl, lunarian, that gender that is simultaneously all and nothing (which is awesome, btw), genderqueer, and autgender. But demigirl and lunarian feel like being fit into an itchy dress; sure, it fits, but at what cost? Genderqueer and polygender are too broad for me. I don’t want to ID as a neurogender. Paradoxgender (forgot the actual name) just feels disconnected and not good enough.(5/5) This got really long - sorry, I needed to vent. My question is: what could be the source of this?  Does this simply mean I haven’t found the right label? Because if so, I don’t think I have a right label. And why could I want to ID as a demiboy, while feeling little/no connection (I think) to masc(-ish) genders? And could you provide some personal stories about the genders I described, to see if I can find myself in any? And maybe some other labels, to see if one clicks?

I’m sure there’s something out there to describe your experience, if not, then hey, that’s okay! You don’t have to be in a rush to figure out what fits best.

I have had a friend who identified as demiboy before coming out as a trans guy. (He may or may not follow this blog hello I value you, redacted friend!) He described his gender experience as “totally not big, burly man, more like a soft almost prepubescent Boy” (I’m paraphrasing). I think there are a loooot of people here who would relate to that description because I see it all the time. Do you think it could be because your gender experience feels “softer” than what the words “male”/“man”/“masculinity” imply? It may be that you have such a strong sense of being nonbinary that you’re being pulled way far away from femininity (which is why feminine genders don’t feel like they fit) and going out so far into “neither” territory it’s very nearly male. Does that make any sense?

(Also the all-and-nothing gender you described is either mnioct or quantumgender)

Proxvir: a gender adjacent or close to male, but is seperate from it or not exactly that; almost like a different type of guy. Like, if yellow was a guy and green was a proxvir: they’re similar but not the same, yet both masculine!Offgender/Paragender (offdemiboy/parademiboy): A gender that is closely described by or resembles a certain gender, but is not exactly that gender.Maverique: a gender identity that is completely removed from the gender binary and nonbinary, and is something all its own. (Tumblr user queerascat is a notable maverique blogger!) Aliagender is similar: an “other” gender, removed from today’s gender guidelines and labels.Aporagender/Ilyagender: like the above two, a gender identity completely removed from the binary and nonbinary, but has a distinct gendered feeling.Autogender: A gender that cannot be described by any preexisting terms because it feels too personal and deeply rooted to one's own self-identity.

[questioning-resources]

Hey, so I'm trying to find a label for my gender as a whole and I was wondering if you could help? I know it's fluid in some way, and genders I've noticed over the past few months have been 'mostly nothing but also a bit Not Boy', 'kinda boy kinda nothing', 'just plain nothing', and 'mostly nothing but also a tiny tiny bit girl'. Would that be demifluid or demifluidflux or just fluidflux or what? Thanks!

Demifluid is when you experience one static gender (ex. neutrois) that does not change, but also another gender identity that fluctuates (ex. between bigender and maverique and agender). Demiflux is with that static gender, but another gender that fluxes (ex. like boyflux: the intensity of being a boy shifts). Demifluidflux/Demifluix is when the shifting one is fluidflux!

Fluidflux, by constrast, is simply a gender that both fluctuates and fluxes. So, it sounds like you never hit “full gender” when you flux, you stay on the neutral end. But you also don’t stay in one “gendered range”, you go into girl and boy and Not Boy, so that could be the fluid part. It sounds like there are bits of you that may also be experiencing absconsugender: a gender identity that can be best defined by what it isn’t, rather than what it is (i.e. absconsuboy would be Not Boy!)

Sounds like fluidflux would best describe your experience, or demifluidflux if you feel like the “nothing” gender is a solid thing that’s always there!

(For reference of what I mean by genderfluidity and genderfluxing, there is this beautiful light-switch analogy: Genderflux vs. Genderfluid)

[questioning-resources]

(Pt 1) Hey I'm really confused about my sexuality. Im a cis girl and I know that I love other woman but I'm unsure about men and nb/trans ppl. With guys I have experienced attraction before but it's only with a few specific men and I have to know them as a person first to feel attraction, where as with girls I'm just like, "yup she's hot." I love the idea of marrying a girl but thinking abt being with a guy long term feels kinda gross. I just don't feel as romantically about men, I think??

(Pt2) I live in a really small town and don’t know anyone who isn’t cis, so I’m not sure of my feelings. When I try to imagine myself in a relationship with someone who is nb or trans I always prefer ppl who are fem aligned or androgynous rather than masculine. Also, the 2/3 guys I’ve liked are usually feminine. I ID as ply rn but I feel more connected to girls so maybe I lean towards homoromantic?? Part of me wants to ID as lesbian but I cant tell how I actually feel about nonfem people. Help??

(Note: Please remember that transgender men are men and transgender women are women so they fall under those terms and not under nonbinary, unless they explicitly identify as such.)

There is a term called finromantic, meaning you are attracted to feminine people regardless of their gender identity; nominromantic, meaning you are attracted to anyone not presenting as masculine; or nomromantic, attraction to all who are not male or male-aligned. And it’s totally possible to be demiromantic towards guys and not towards girls!

It’s also okay to base it off of who you think you’d date; there are plenty of lesbians who may have slight attraction to men who ID as lesbians because they’re only dating girls. And there are also plenty of polyromantic people in your situation who are comfortable with the label, too!

That said, it’s totally okay to ID as something now and change it later. Growing up in a small town, I also never knew another nonbinary person until I was 16, and didn’t have a crush on one until I was 17 and in college. It’s okay to wait and see and not have a definite answer yet! For now, you could go off of how you think you would feel, and if that changes, so be it. Explore social circles, try to meet new people, live your life and fawn over cute girls, and see where things go.

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Hey so I'm questioning at the moment, but as I've been looking around different queer resources, no one has been able to explain what gender feels like? It's really hard for me to determine what gender I am if I can't pin down the feeling? How do I know if I am really nb/androgyne and not just a tomboy/butch? I know gender isn't what's between your legs or your expression or gender roles, but if it isn't, what is?? Thanks!

Honestly? I think for “what is gender”, I’m just going to start pointing to the link down below because it articulates it waaaaay better than I can. As for the butch/nonbinary thing, there’s a very blurry line but there are some great articles down below I’ll link too!

Understanding Gender | How Does One “Feel Like” a Gender? ask from Genderqueer | How Do I Know if I’m Transgender? | Why Aren’t all Butches Trans? | What’s the Difference, Again?

[questioning-resources]

Hi! I'm a questioning afab. I pretty sure I identify under non-binary, but I'm not sure, Sometimes I don't mind being a girl (She/her pronouns, dressing like a girl, etc.) but most of the time that makes me extremely uncomfortable and I would much rather prefer to be androgynous. However, l live in both a family and a community where identifying as anything other than what was assigned at birth is considered wrong. I'm having trouble dealing with my questioning/identity in such an environment.

I hear ya - that sounds pretty similar to my experience. If you’re experiencing fluctuating discomfort in your presentation and how you see yourself, that may be a good sign that you could be trans or nonbinary.

As for the environment you’re in: the most important thing is your safety. But that doesn’t mean you have to be scared of yourself. You can’t change who you are, only embrace what you have.People in these communities do not and have not often had any experiences with transgender people. They just don’t understand it, and many of them aren’t willing to or have been conditioned into a pre-emptive fear of the unknown. And that’s very, very hard for us. But at the end of the day, it’s our lives, our 70+ years on this planet, and we should have the option of living it how we want. So know that things will get better, and there will come a day where you can live freely.

Terms to look into:girlflux: A genderflux identity in which one feels all or mostly feminine, but experiences varying degrees of feminine intensity, that site on a slider down to agender/neutrois.demigender: Being partially a girl and partially something else.androgyne: a gender identity tied to androgyny, in which one is a mix of male and female. Sometimes, an androgyne may lean more towards one side than the other.genderfluid: Being fluid between two or more genders. It’s possible to be fluid between girl and androgyne!

[questioning-resources]

I realize I maybe need to say something about this:

Please excuse me if my answers are far more chaotic and disorganized than usual, I'm getting back onto my meds and the ADD/BPD/whatevertheshit is all over the place and my attention span lasts approximately 10 seconds. I care about all y’all though!

[questioning-resources]

Hello! I'm a little confused about my gender. I looked at a list and I don't really identify with any. Help?

That’s tough! But the good news is, gender really is infinite. Have you tried looking at the LGBTQ+ Dictionary linked on this blog? You can use the Filter View (the funnel icon on the lower toolbar) and select “Genders” and scroll through. I’m sorry there’s so much. (´～｀ヾ)There may be hope still!

And if nothing still fits? There are words out there you can still use! Many people just label themselves nonbinary, genderqueer, or simply queer.

Otherwise, there’s:

other gender: Simply, some other gender that does not yet have a definition or cannot be defined.maverique: a gender that is not derived from the binary or nonbinary gender systems, and is a gender in its own self.aliagender: a gender identity that feels like an “other” category, or seperate/removed from common gender definitions and guidelines.

Know that even if you can’t find a specific term other than “nonbinary” or “genderqueer”, you’re just as valid as anyone else with the label! Sometimes it’s too complicated or confusing to find anything “specific.”

[questioning-resources]

Hi... I am a girl biologically but lately I've been really questioning my gender identity. I've never really been "girly" until this past year. My mom has always pushed me to dress more "feminine" (dresses, skirts, etc.) and I've slowly started to obey. I often think of cutting my hair, I've heavily considered purchasing a binder, and I'm simply more comfortable in men's clothing. At the same time though I am comfortable wearing makeup and dresses and all that jazz... please help?

I’m so sorry your mom has been forcing you to dress a certain way, rather than giving yourself free reign. I think the main thing is to first do what you need to in order to stay safe, and then work on coming to look how you’re most comfortable.

Gender is not defined by our clothing, but instead by our innate sense of self. There are plenty of masculine trans women, feminine trans guys, and non-androgynous nonbinary people! If being a girl – not being girly – feels wrong to you, the chances are that you might be transgender or nonbinary.

Maybe your body might feel wrong, or maybe it’s the way people perceive and refer to you – even when you dressed masculine. Maybe it lies in the things you like to do or the people you hang out with the most. Many people experience dysphoria in the form of depression, rather than outright discomfort.

I really hope things work out for you! This is your life, not hers. Things get better, I promise.

[questioning-resources]

Hi! I was born a girl, and referring to myself as nonbinary has seemed to be more comfortable to me for the past few months, which is confusing to me since I've never questioned being a girl before. I'm not sure what steps I could take to see if it really would fit better or not. I'd like to try binding and going by "they" and try a different name, but I'm also really nervous to start doing that, and I know I would have to do it without my parents knowing. I'm not sure what I should do.

Some of us don’t realize we’re nonbinary – or even generally LGBTQ+ – until later in life. This doesn’t invalidate us in any way! For some enbies, it just feels right. More right than trying to be a guy or girl. For a lot of us, it’s something we’ve never even considered for ourselves – simply because we just adapted to the way others saw us, we were never taught or heard about it, we thought we were broken, or even thought everyone was like that, etc.

Perhaps you could bind while out of the house and then take it off before you return – or, only bind around understanding friends who can keep it a secret. As for around the house, sports bras are a great, discreet way to make your chest flatter without raising questions. You could also opt to ask friends to try new pronouns for you, too. Or, many online circles (like Tumblr, Reddit, Skype, Discord, and LGBTQ+ forums) are great places to try them out!

How to Get a Binder without a Credit Card and without Your Parents Knowing

[questioning-resources]

Hi there... So, I'm really confused. In the past I have identified as being heterosexual, bisexual, pansexual, and asexual. Not all at the same time but still. I've never pictured myself being sexually involved with anyone, no matter their gender or identity. At the same time I also find myself not just looking at or for one gender in particular. Instead I notice that I appreciate and notice things about everyone. Then again it may be just that, appreciating. Do you have any advice?

That may be an issue with it being hard to tell the difference between aesthetic and romantic attraction. Aesthetic is appreciating how someone looks, while romantic is wanting to straight-up date someone.

Is it possible you could be panromantic asexual? This could be a label for you to look into. Or, you may choose to simply identify as queer or non-straight!

Panromantic Asexual: What It Is and What It Isn’t | Types of Attraction from Asexuality Wiki | Types of Attraction by Reflective Ace |