My Silver Lining

"True love will triumph in the end - which may or may not be a lie, but if it is a lie, then it's the most beautiful lie we have." - John Green

[quietest-silence]

There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it

George Bernard Shaw

[continuallyfalling]

[quietest-silence]

Blood and Water

  My mom used to say ‘blood is thicker than water’ 

She meant that our family was always the most important, the first priority

“Family will always be here” she’d say “We’ll always be around”

Then at 13 when I found that ‘blood is thicker than water’

really mean ‘blood of the covenant’ over the ‘water of the womb’ my mind was blown

Take that mom

Take that dad

Take that stupid cousins who push me and tease me and make me do things i don’t wanna do

My friends are better, the relationships i choose to have are stronger.

But then the sadness started, and I wanted to be left alone

People are mean, especially at thirteen

being around others hurt; and not in a way that one could blissfully ignore. 

Not in a way that one could brush of like a crumb on a shirt

It was the kind of hurt that you don’t ever forget; 

It starts as a little twinge of sadness in the chest, 

caused by a little comment made in passing that no one gives a second thought,

just like if someone had said the sky is blue or the grass is green. 

But it gnaws at you, and it grows. 

It grows until all you believe you are is the sum of their words; 

they have created you and so you are exactly who they want you to be. 

You can’t be anyone else and if you try it hurts more, so you stay the same. 

You stay exactly who they say you are, 

It doesn’t stop there, because if it did then it would be way too easy. 

The pain becomes agonizing, it keeps growing until looking at them causes you pain and the sound of their voice are like nails on a chalkboard. 

It keeps growing until you forget who you are and try to be who they say you are. 

You keep staying the same, until your own reflection makes you turn away. 

Being around others hurts, and it keeps hurting until being around yourself hurts too.

That’s what’s it’s like to be depressed at thirteen

If only I was smarter, or prettier or nicer, just be less mean

maybe then the words would stop,

maybe then the feeling of emptiness would stop

maybe then my mind would finally shut up.

I crawled inside myself

building up walls that would put skyscrapers to shame

Pushing everyone away who caused me pain

Listen to your mom when she says family is important

because out of all the things I am

the good and especially the bad

Of all the people I’ve shut out and everyone I’ve pushed away

My family, are the only ones who stayed.

[quietest-silence]

Liars

We lie. Everyone, everywhere, all the time. We lie. Whether we know it or not, everyone around us is a liar. There are stories that we tell, but then there are the actual events that occurred, and then, there’s the story that we tell ourselves to be true; because accepting those actual events would kill us inside. We lie to protect the ones we love, to save them from the horrible truth. We lie by omission, figuring that it would be best for the other party if they did not know. We lie to ourselves, giving us reasons that we can learn to accept, instead of facing the very things that will haunt us in our dreams.

We’re liars, each and everyone of us, and we have the audacity to demand truth.

[quietest-silence]

I'm Scared

Whenever someone asks me about my hobbies or my interest or even what my talent it. The one thing I always say, the one thing I know I can do is write. But lately I haven't been able to string together even one coherent scentence.

And it's only now, after almost 6 months of no short stories, that I realize why. I have this crippling fear of failing, and to me, writing and writers are something so sacred, something so amazingly perfect to me, that I can't bare to even begin to fail at it.

When I try to write something, anything, i can't. I'm scared that whatever ideas i have aren't good enough, or what I write or how I write isn't good enough. And to me, I'd rather sit here on my own, than take the chance and possibly fail.

[quietest-silence]

Oh well that's cute. Just make sure not to let on how happy you are or someone might hate you for it! :)

hahaha uh okay

[quietest-silence]

Toi, qui pense que t’es la seule qui est perdu

Toi, qui pense que les gens sont toujours déçu

de ceux que tu aimes et celles que tu n’aimes pas

tu n’es pas perdu, tu te trompe dans ce cas

  Je veux te dire une chose

qui n’a jamais été dit a moi :

C’est correcte, de ne pas êtes parfaite

et si tu doivent croire en quelqu’un, crois en toi

Parce qu’un jour vous serez trouver

ca prend du temps mais cela va t’arriver

  Vous vous retrouveriez dans les pages des romans

et dans les mélodies des chansons

vous donneriez un sens aux lieux abandonner

et des mémoires tirer

de l’arrière de votre esprit et le fond de ta cœur

Ne négligez pas, ta propre valeur

  Vous se caches dans des conversations

éclairée par les étoiles

et pendant les courses fait par le réveille du soleil

vous vous trouveriez dans les moments de silence

Ne t’inquiète pas, il n’y a pas d’urgence

  Cette mur que t’en as

l’une qui garde ton cœur

c’est le temps de le détruire, n’êtes pas peur

Souviens d’une chose très importante

Tu dois s’aimer soi-même

Car vous avez vécu trop pour ne pas.

- quietestsilence

[quietest-silence]

It's Never Me

Do you know how much it sucks to never be the one? I’m not smart enough, or pretty enough, and I’m definitely not nice enough. It’s never me. Why? Why is it never me?

Someone explain it to me because it is eating me alive. I don’t understand, I try so hard and I think i got it, but just when I think that, that’s when it changes. It’s never me and I don’t understand but I want to. Do i need to change? Do i need to be nicer? Do i need to be more like her? If i do someone please tell me now, because i can’t handle another one of these. I can’t handle the people I care about telling me that I shouldn’t be allowed to feel what I’m feeling because its ‘not fair.’ Screw you, a lot of things are not fair. I am so sick and tired of being told that what i feel is unjust because she’s ‘so nice’ FUCK OFF.

Thanks for sticking up for her and thinking the problem is with me, cause obviously with someone as nice as her, it HAS to be me.

   Reblog

[quietest-silence]

Hello there. You are appreciated.

Thanks love! You are as well, never forget that

[quietest-silence]

Letters I'll Never Send

To Everyone,

Sitting here, putting pen to paper, ready to tell you guys my story is not easy. In fact, I don’t think it would be easy for to look inside of themselves and tell everyone all the things that are wrong with them. And the reason for this aversion of my own truth is really quite simple, by telling you it makes it real. And before, I couldn’t admit to anyone not even myself, that it was real. Because I didn’t want it to be.

You weren’t there so I don’t expect you to truly understand. And for future reference, when I say ‘you’ it’s for the collective whole. The best way that I can explain it, and for you to somewhat understand, is if I put you in my shoes. So it’s like this:

It’s one of those days where nothing goes right and everything that could go wrong did. You get home from school and rush up to your bedroom and lock yourself in. You will yourself not to cry, telling yourself that they don’t deserve your tears and that you’re better than this, but it doesn’t work and you cry anyways. You put your fist up to your mouth trying to stifle your sobs and for the rest of the night you do the motions. You do your homework and you eat dinner and you make polite conversation and you finally make it into bed. But that doesn’t help; if anything, it only makes things worse. You lie there and completely tormented by your own thoughts. You lie there and you pray to God begging him that if it was at all possible could you just not wake up tomorrow. You are pleading with Him to please, just take you away. Eventually you fall asleep with tears on your cheeks and when you wake up you feel as though your body is being weighed down by the life that you are not living. The life that has somehow stopped being worth it, but nonetheless you’re still here. You are still alive and so you figure well, there is no God. And this happens every day, and those days blur together, until they become this never-ending marathon of your life that is being unlived.

And at first I thought this was just all a part of my story, the things I could look back on and say, “Well there, that changed me, that made me who I am today.” But there came a point where everything finally became too much and I just wasn’t enough. I was constantly being compared to everyone around me. How come I didn’t have as many friends as her? Or how come I wasn’t has smart as her? How come I wasn’t somebody other than myself? With enough time I believed every single one of those comparisons. I wasn’t good enough and that destroyed me. And kids, well they can come up with some pretty cruel and unforgiving nicknames. They would call me things that made no sense whatsoever, but being me, I believed them all.

And with time, all those stupid comparisons, all those nasty names took their toll on my body. It hurt for me to breathe, to think and to feel. It came to a point where I just shut down completely. I did the motions, I studied for the tests, I would answer direct questions, but on the inside I felt completely hollow. I can’t believe you guys didn’t notice. How could have not seen the loud girl not talk? How could not see the girl who always smiled, not smiling? Couldn’t you guys tell that I was lying whenever Mrs. T would ask if I was alright? Or were you guys just content on believing that I was indeed “fine” and I was just “tired”?

“I’m tired.” That what everyone’s response is right? Or “I’m fine.” We have learned that no one wants to see our problems. That being sad is something to be ashamed about. Every time I used those words my head would scream at me to tell her the truth. But you guys were always there, watching my every move; ready to pounce at any sign of weakness. So I kept it in, and I let all the things I thought you were thinking, all the comments I knew you say and all the judgments I knew you would make, eat me alive.

I never told anyone my problems, because I never wanted to burden people with my struggles. I always thought that being sad made you weak. That being anything other than happy meant that there was something wrong with you. This idea was reinforced the one and only time I decided to tell someone the truth. That I was sad, all the time and that I did want to kill myself, and that they were not there for me. That person’s response? That I was somehow at fault for not being good enough and that I needed to grow up and get over it.

Words have the power to change a person. They have the power to inspire people, to start a movement to create a change. But with those words “Grow up and get over it.” felt like I had been slapped in the face, because they came from someone who I was supposed to be able to trust. You know who you are and if you are reading this I want you know, that is a bullshit answer. That is goddamn fucking shit thing to say to someone who trusted you and needed your help to get better. At that point I accept my reality. That in fact no one did care, that things weren’t going to get better and that I did not matter.

I could not see myself turning 15 or 16, let alone 17 and 18. I was so sure that before my next birthday I wouldn’t be alive because I would take my own life. That’s what happened. That’s what I let you guys do to me, I let you guys make me feel like I wanted to die, like I could take my own life without any regrets. It’s because of you that I could not handle spending another day being who I was. But tomorrow always came. And then tomorrow became yesterday, and that was my life.

Now the point of me telling you all of this isn’t to make you feel bad about yourself or feel bad for me because I don’t blame you for all those things. I don’t blame the people that compared me. I don’t blame the people who called me nasty names and made those snide little remarks about the way I acted or the way I looked. I don’t even blame that person who told me to Grow Up and Get Over it. I refuse to be angry with you because it is exhausting trying to hate the world.

I don’t hate myself for feeling the way I did, at least, not anymore. Because you guys helped me see the world for the way it really is. That sometimes life isn’t fair and that people just suck sometimes, but what I also learned is that no one has the right to tell you what you can and cannot do. Because no one knows you better than you.

So my challenge for you, all my darling classmates, is to surround yourself with people that will only lift you higher. People that love you for who you are. Become an inspiration so that others can become more than who they are right now. Do you think you can do it?

[quietest-silence]

There are demons inside my head, and they're winning

[quietest-silence]

Letters I'll Never Send

To me,

I don't do this. I don't write about myself; that's why I could never keep I diary. I don't know if it's because I thought writing about oneself was trivial or if i thought it was too weird or something, but I've never been able to do it. I'm trying though, I hope that's good enough.

I talk, you know I talk. I talk and talk and talk but nothing ever is said. Even now, I don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do. But one thing i've learned this year is that you have this strength in you, that I am so proud that you found. You did something meaningful, and sure, you feel like it was just a bunch of nonsense, but you tried. And that's not failing, you did good.

You're going to be okay, even if you have no idea what it is you want to with your future, and even though you act like you know where you're headed, but in reality your the one who's the most lost. One day you will be found, you will find yourself within the pages of books and the melodies of songs. You will find parts of yourself hidden in late night conversations and early morning runs. In those moments where you find yourself stopping and realizing how lucky you are, that's where you'll find yourself. There are parts of you all over this world and I'll be damned if you don't go searching.

Say yes, for God's sake, say fucking yes. Don't let the limitations that you have grown up with dictate your future. Don't be afraid to say 'screw you' and storm out. Don't be scared to do things on your own, because let's be honest, you've been doing that for a long time. When you're lonely, tell someone. When you need help, ask for it. Don't be the person who let's their thoughts destroy them, you can't do that to yourself again. It's okay to trust people; that wall you have, the one that's like 3,000 miles high, let it crumble. Be a better friend, because well, you suck at it right now. Put the effort in and stop being jealous of other people's relationships because you can have that.

You are allowed to have a best friend, hell have 10 if you want. You're allowed to open up, you're allowed to be hurt and despite what anyone else says, you're allowed to be sad. You know the world is not this happy-go-lucky place so don't pretend that it is. That's another thing, don't ever pretend. If you're happy, great. If you're sad, that's okay too. If you're not happy with someone, don't act like you are. You have done enough of that to last you a lifetime.

I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with. And i know, I was gone for a while, but I'm back, and I'll try my hardest not to slip back into the abyss. But stick with me, please. You're kinda stuck with me anyways so it's not like you can go anywhere. But I promise to keep trying.

You are loved. Remember that. Even if no one else will tell you, love yourself; because we have gone through too much not to.

[quietest-silence]

Letters I'll Never Send

To you all,

Don't you get it? Don't you understand? Who am I kidding, of course you don't understand. The way you see me, its just like everyone else. And don't try to bullshit your way through this because you know i'm right. You have never been able to accept me for all the things i've done. All the things I would like to pursue. All you can do is laugh and tear me down, and you wonder why I want to leave?

You tell me I can do whatever I want, you tell me I have the potential to achieve great things, but I can only accomplish them on your terms. Well fuck you. Don't you get it? You people, all of you, bring out the worst in me. When I try to change you laugh and I revert back to my old ways. I hate who I am here, I hate what you do to me.

People look at me and i'm not me. I'm not an individual, I'm part of this collective whole that I didn't ask to be apart of. I know what people think when they look at me; well if she's that, and you're this, where does that leave her? I'm the one who is constantly looked down upon for not being prettier, or smarter, or nice enough, or as accomplished. It kills me.

I'm looking for an escape; a way to start my life away from who you I am with you guys around. When I try to lead you tell me to get back in line, when I try to be different you laugh and squander all my hopes. And that's the thing, I am so frustrated with you guys for not knowing who I am, but how can I blame you when you don't even try?

I am waiting for the day I can leave and never come back. You won't miss me, you won't need me checking up. You'll know I'm out there, somewhere in the world, being who I was always meant to be without the limitations you have set out. But for the mean time, kindly leave me the fuck alone.

[quietest-silence]

We Get A Strange Feeling

Azar Nafisi wrote: "You get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place, like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you'll never be this way ever again."

Those words, strung together, somehow sum up everything I am feeling about closing this chapter in my life. For 13 years, well 15 if you can two years for pre-school, I have had the same pattern. Wake up, get dressed, go to school and repeat. Sure, the course work has gotten a lot harder (screw you calculus) and sure, I have gotten smarter, but in the end I can't help but feel like I still need more time. I need to be able to tell all the people who have affected me how much they mean to me. I need another class to take, another course worth exploring; and yeah i know this all seems trivial because well it's only high school and there are a million things out there left for me to explore. But right now, in this moment, I will never be like this again.

The person I became through the years is someone I can be proud of. I have found a strength that I never knew I had. I have experienced things that have forever changed me and yes I do realize that this all sounds incredibly cheesy but I'm 17 so I'm allowed to. How I am supposed to remember every single detail of the past 13 years? I'm sure there are tons of things that I don't remember, like what I learned in Social class in the second grade, or that time I slipped and fell in the hallway (because let's be honest, that probably happened) . There is so much left for me to remember and it feels like time is running out. 

Two days, that's all I get to savour every moment, to be in the same school as all my friends. Azar Nafisi was so right in saying what he did, leaving a place for the final time gives the feeling of heartbreak and happiness and nostalgia. I am gutted every time I think of my final day. Everyone is so ready to start there lives, and don't get me wrong I am too, but no matter how much I'll resist, I will miss high school.

So to all my friends, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I know I haven't always been easy to deal with, especially when I am tired and acting like a complete bitch. You have brought out a better side of me, one that is proud to be associated with you. You have been there for me when I needed it, you have given me strength when I was falling and you've called me out on all my bullshit moments. I love you, with everything that I have and in the best way I know how. Thank you.

To the kids in my TA: I guess you could say most of you count as my friends, but when I walked in on that first day in Grade 10 and I only had Theo and Adam, I was freaking terrified. But in those first 10 minutes i knew, I knew I had been put together with some amazing people. During these last three years we have become a family. Full of it's dysfunction and drama, just like a real one. Spending every morning with you, all our awesome TA snacks and overall rowdiness made me feel so at ease, it was the perfect start to every day. I love you guys, yes even Adam and Theo, because without you it would have been so much harder to be myself. You guys accepted me for my loudness and erratic energy and for that I thank you.

I most definitely feel like I'm losing my best friends as this chapter closes, but I know that if something never ends then nothing new could ever be started. I know I will make new friends and have all-new experiences but I will treasure my time with you guys with all my hearts because I became a better person, with all it's ups and down, I am better because of it.

[mariaksy]

Found this in the doodle book of Alleycat Tea House.

[okaywork-deactivated20141118]

I’M ACTUALLY A REALLY NICE PERSON IM JUST USED TO BEING WALKED ALL OVER AND DISRESPECTED SO SOMETIMES I COME OFF AS MEAN BUT I JUST CANT LET PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME AND I HAD TO GROW UP REALLY FAST OK BUT I PROMISE I HAVE A GOOD HEART AND GOOD INTENTIONS AND I DONT WANT TO EVER HURT PEOPLE’S FEELINGS BUT SOMETIMES I JSUT HAVE TO HAVE THE UPPER HAND AND MAKE SURE I DONT GET HURT IM SORR YI LOVE EVERYONE

[2wentysixletters]