Very inch resting how the Politician posits that Payton can’t feel to the same degree/in the same way as everyone else, and pins this on his being ambitious to the point of repressing his emotion, and highlight that by textually saying that River was his one outlet to allow himself to feel. But they also imply that Payton is definitely dealing with fear of rejection and abandonment, constantly questioning whether his family really wants him and accepts him.
However, was I the only one that saw definite gay subtext in all that? Patyon is afraid he can’t feel like everyone else, but the one person he can feel with just so happens to be the boy he slept with? I don’t think that’s a coincidence. And let me just say, I definitely relate growing up thinking I had sociopathic (not necessarily violent) tendencies because I just didn’t relate to people, and I didn’t think I was capable of love, because I didn’t know what love could even be for someone like me.
If you’re telling me that Payton doesn’t grow up with only his mother ever making him feel loved, with the rest of his family shunning him and bullying him, with him putting all his hopes and dreams on being elected to office because that’ll mean that people want him, with him probably subconsciously needing to conform to the idea of a politician or a president, aka married to a woman… I think Payton’s “sociopathy” is just a symptom of being closeted.
He struggles to be open about the fact that yes he was in love with River and was attracted to him. He threatens to tell the school that they slept together because he thinks River is just as insecure about it as he is (he’s not). Of course I think Payton really does love Alice but I definitely get the vibes that he loves the idea of her more than her. He may well be into her, Payton has probably been attracted to just River and Alice in his whole life, and that’s okay.
He doesn’t have to have any typical gay or bi experience for these feelings and this confusion to be valid! My point is that Payton tries to convince himself that he’s a sociopath because he’s ruthlessly pragmatic and his ambition causes him to discount people’s feelings, and the problem is trying to be a politician. The reality is, I think, that he tries to convince himself that he’s a sociopath because he’s afraid to be vulnerable, because then he’d reveal just how hurt and alone he is, and he’d have to be open about the fact that possibly the most significant relationship in his life was with a man.
Like, when you have to hide and repress such a large part of yourself, that has consequences! I relate to this concept so fucking much? I’m an actor to my family, and so the idea of emotions got all fucked up to me growing up. I don’t know what’s real. I don’t know how to be real. And going a step further than Payton’s fictional family, when I’m being told by media and culture that I’m sinful and disgusting and my family watches crime shows and they equate sexual deviance with moral impurity those wires get crossed. I start to believe that I’m nothing but a pervert, just because I liked boys. And when you’re a sick sexual monster, it’s not much more effort to convince yourself that you’re basically the same as some kind of amoral serial killer too.
Like homophobia is a hell of a drug kids! Just my tea sis!
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