i’m going through a lot right now and unfortunately i’ll have to go on a temporary hiatus. i’m sorry everyone. i hope i’ll be able to share these stories in fanfic form in time.
synopsis: with you entering your first year of college and scaramouche still working with nahida, you navigate your feelings of your most consistent problem with scaramouche. his absence.
warnings: angst, no comfort, mean scara, toxic relationship
“how long has it been..”
you were laid on your back in your dorm room, scrolling through your social media app when you remembered scaramouche hadn’t responded to your last message. swiping out of your current app, you went back into your messages with scaramouche. 6 hours ago, unread, not replied.
your sigh came out, clicking your phone off, staring at your ceiling. it wasn’t unusual for scaramouche to take hours to respond. but lately it made you feel restless.
you had been with scaramouche for two years now, but the same problem consisted throughout the last two years. the fights about his absence and inability to communicate were frequent. the arguments would almost feel as if you both were reading lines off a script. you could guess every single excuse and apology he would give you before his lips moved.
though he had always been inconsistent in his communication, he had always made it a point to read back and respond to every single text you’d send him in the time that he wouldn’t be responding. but lately, that seemed to stop as well.
scaramouche no longer showed up to your dorm room unless you sought him out and brought him back yourself. anniversaries were now strained and abruptly celebrated, as scaramouche would show up late to every dinner or hangout, and make himself scarce before midnight.
you no longer asked for apologies, he no longer gave them. but he’d wear the same smile every time he saw you. his wide, mischievous grin he’d always give you before planting his affections on you. he always acted as if nothing was amiss. as if the cold you felt from his inability to stay consistent wasn’t real. his lingering touches by 10, 11pm would go unmentioned by his next arrival.
the aching cold you felt in your heart squeezed your chest. scaramouche never told you what he was doing, never changed his ways. but he made you change, didn’t he? so why couldn’t he for you?
“what the fuck do you mean i have no reason to be angry?” scaramouche seethed before his cold fingers gripped your hair.
“you only ever think about yourself (y/n).” scaramouche spat in your ear, making sure he was all you could hear.
“you don’t consider me. you don’t consider how busy i might be, or how tired i get after a day of being nahida’s messenger dog. its fucking ridiculous. you always throw a fit just because i don’t respond to your meaningless messages about your day.” scaramouche scoffed, letting go of your hair as you stood there, quietly taking in his words.
“grow the fuck up (y/n). no one is going to baby you, no one cares about your incessant babbling.”
scaramouche paused, his eyes scanning your face as you stood there quietly. tears were welling up in your eyes, despite your attempt to blink them away. scaramouche noticed this, pulling you into his chest, cradling your face. “oh, baby, i’m sorry. i didn’t mean it.”
“you know i love you, right? i always will.”
three months later, you had finally learned to stop spiraling when scaramouche would leave you alone for too long. that didn’t stop you from utilizing your only way to communicate with him. so there you were, day in and out, texts were sent to scaramouche detailing your every day. annoyances and small victories were retold in your messages to him.
picking your phone back up from it’s laid down position, you scrolled back through your messages with scaramouche. scaramouche’s cold “good morning” to your last text about your shows latest episode. what seemed like 20 messages were sporadically sent, little emoticons in your messages to express your excitement about the drama in your show. you frowned, noting the time jump on your texts as scaramouche hadn’t responded.
you held your breath, your fingers moving across your keyboard on your phone screen.
(y/n): scara?
(y/n): what have you been up to today?
(y/n): i hope nahida didn’t give you too much trouble
(y/n): i felt a little sad today honestly
(y/n): i was thinking about us
(y/n): you feel rlly cold lately, like there’s a brick wall between us
(y/n): i’m sorry, i don’t mean to whine
(y/n): i just miss you, is all
(y/n): i miss the days when you were always around
(y/n): i never had to wait for you back then
you paused, reading over your continued text wall that was your messages to scaramouche. not with. he didn’t talk to you enough for that to be considered messages with him.
“i don’t think he’d read it anyway.” you mumbled, pressing down on your last 10 messages to him. you only meant to do the last 10, really. but with the disappearance of every message came the tight squeeze to your heart, tears streaming until your vision was blurred.
you deleted every single message of your day, the remaining text message for the day being a cold “good morning.”
hours came and went until a notification from scaramouche finally came.
scara: (y/n)?
scara: why did you delete all of your messages
scara: are you starting shit again
tapping on your latest text notification from scaramouche, you muted his notifications and tapped back to your social media feed.
it’s not like he really cared much about you, anyway.
sypnosis: scaramouche was a moderately known streamer, while you were a newbie streamer who happened to be a “fan” of scaramouche. your only hope is for him to hear your feelings, even if he doesn’t reciprocate it.
you didn’t mean to be weird, not really. but it was scaramouche! in a world as small as yours, he was a micro celebrity in your small social circle online. you were only mutuals, which you considered yourself very lucky to have. it was strange for you to be so fangirlish over some random guy on the internet, but something about this felt different. somehow you had a feeling that you’d come to know him, every time you glanced his profile. that day couldn’t come soon enough.
scaramouche was streaming another one of his MMORPG’s while you watched quietly in a minimized tab at your desk. it was another one of those days where you felt a very heavy silence in the comfort of your four walls. only those walls didn’t feel comforting, just cold. it was a very deep cold, a cold that drapes over you like a heavy blanket.
“the redheads in this game are the hottest to me.” scaramouche’s voice rang out from the little box you had set his stream in. as a consistent lurker, you never were one to think of typing something the chat. but today you felt so constricted that you allowed yourself to mindlessly write a comment in his chat. “where’s the love for (h/c)’ed girls :(“ you typed out before tapping send. you didn’t think much of it, not really. it’s likely he wouldn’t even respond to it. he doesn’t respond to every single message.
you turned your attention back to your other monitor where you were idling in a game, your attempt to try and cut the heaviness that you felt.
“(h/c)’ed girls are cute too.” scaramouche replied, moments after you had already forgotten the message you had mindlessly posted. the gears clicked in your head as you replayed his words. he actually replied to your message. your first and only direct interaction to him and he noticed. a warmth swelled up inside of you as you clicked back into his chat, fingers ready to type. what would you say? how should you reply? should you be nice or give a witty answer? would he even reply to it?
“yay there’s hope for us :)” you sent into the chat. you giddily waited for a response, only for scaramouche to ramble on about a raid in his game. while you hadn’t gotten the complete interaction, you were still happy for the brief moments of his attention. it really was the coolest thing for you. and when your life is a constant replay of the same day, even small things like a streamer responding to you meant the the world to you. there wasn’t much to get excited for these days, so you let yourself savor these moments. as few and far between as they were.
scaramouche continued his stream for another hour until he went offline. you closed out of his stream page and went into yours, modifying a few of your stream elements before your next stream. as you clicked through your files to upload for your template, a ping sound came from below your screen. it was a DM. you clicked it open, only to see:
scarax: soo miss (h/c) girl, do you play WOL?
scaramouche asking if you play his game? so you could possibly duo? today couldn’t have gotten any better. your smile felt very cheesy as you clicked on the dm, typing away a reply.
(y/n)^_^: yes! but i’m very under-geared compared to you
you were in. you spent the rest of the afternoon texting scaramouche about the game, world of legends, planning a day to duo. he had given you his discord to be able to message more directly. it all felt so surreal. scaramouche was a lot sweeter than he appeared to be from his streams.
on camera he had this tough, almost borderline jerk-y attitude, but it was in a way that you found endearing. maybe that was your first red flag you shouldn’t have ignored. but off stream, he was the sweetest guy you had ever met. he made sure to good morning and good night text you, and consistently hangout and talk to you.before you knew it, it had officially been a month since you two met, and you were now very much into each other. he wanted nothing more than to introduce you on stream for your official getting together, so that’s just what you two did.
the chat blew up in support of the new relationship that had blossomed between you both.
mnxia: you guys are so cute!
prnk: wishing you the best dude
pnnylvr: so jealous omggg
you regularly would go on to stream together and spend practically every day together. everything felt perfect. you had finally gotten something to break your everyday life. and it was the micro celebrity with 500 followers.
a few weeks after your first month anniversary, scaramouche wanted to meet you. it had made you nervous, at the time you both were practically edating, despite living in the same city. but it wrecked your nerves to think of all of the things you could do wrong in person.
you were known for being a strange girl almost the few people that knew you. and not in a negative way; not really. just that you had a tendency to say things in a slightly more dramatized way. as well as another secret. one that could probably ruin your relationship with him. you see, you weren’t just a fan of his streams before. you were more of a stalker to be precise. every single thing he had done online, you had seen, read, watched, and memorized it. you practically knew everything about what he had made public online.
a bit strange, you would admit, but you rationalized it with love. but you wanted your relationship with scaramouche more than your fear for him to find out. so, you planned to see him in person. that day would be engraved in your mind forever.
seeing him out under the grey skies, orange, yellow, and brown leaves drifting to the ground. you had met your autumn love.
two months would go by quickly in your relationship with scaramouche. but lately things seemed off with him. he stopped inviting you over, didn’t reply much while you were attending your college classes, and overall seemed disinterested in you whenever you played games together. the anxiety of what was wrong was eating you up inside, as he always dismissed the question when you’d bring it up. but tonight you couldn’t do it anymore. the silence, the dismissing, it was all too much.
“please tell me what’s wrong, scara. i’m scared.” you spoke quietly into your mic as you clicked on your inventory in minecraft. you watched scaramouche’s character pause as silence was heard on his end. “i’m sorry (y/n).” he spoke softly, his character now afk. “it’s just, my ex messaged me recently and it’s really shaken me up.” he spoke into his mic. a moment later, a bloop came from your discord as scaramouche sent you a screenshot of the conversation. in the screenshot, it was a long paragraph of his ex explaining how she regretting hurting him and knew what she did was wrong. the same ex who had cheated on him and left him for a more popular streamer in his streamer company: fatui. as you finished reading the conversation you couldn’t help but notice how the scroll bar was a lot higher thea the bottom of the scroll bar, he had talked a lot more to her than he was willing to show you. the thought made you sick.
“i wish you would’ve just blocked her instead of feeding into it.” you mumbled.
“you don’t understand.” scaramouche flatly said before hanging up. you stared at the empty discord call, and then the “scarax has left the server” minecraft notification moments later. you sighed, clicking the server closed. you began typing a lengthy apology to scaramouche about how you were inconsiderate and wrong for what you had said. your message would be ignored for 3 days as you left more messages that would be ignored. on the third day he gave you an abrupt apology for not responding, just to ask if you’d like to hangout on a game together. you blinked at the interaction. was this meant to be your new normal? his silence and nothing to retaliate it for the sake of things being okay?
you swallowed hard as you agreed to his invitation. you would spend another half month in this treatment. his silence would last days with no remorse. scaramouche was known for being someone who thrived in being alone. his time away from you only solidified it.
“scara, we should talk.” you spoke into your mic a month later from the first time you had said this phrase. “what is it?” he asked, a tinge of annoyance in his voice. “it’s just, i don’t think i can do this. we can be friends but i can’t pretend like this relationship is okay. and i know you won’t change and i won’t ask you to. so i just want to end this.” you spoke rapidly into your microphone, afraid of his response.
“you lying fucking bitch.” scaramouche seethed into your ears. you stayed quiet as he shot out insult after insult. “you said you wouldn’t leave me no matter what. you promised. even after i told you about bal. you’re so fucking selfish. you’re only thinking of yourself.” he paused, “i’ll come over to get my stuff in a few days.” he spoke flatly before hanging up. you didn’t utter a word as you closed out the applications on your desktop.
you sat there idly, staring at your now black monitor. it was only to open a conversation, you didn’t mean for it to end so abruptly.
you quietly got into bed that night. he had blocked you on all socials by the time you woke up, so you blocked him back in response to the now visible disdain for one another. disdain you didn’t even feel.
three nights would pass before his knock came to your door. not a word was said as you went back in your room to collect the box of his belongings that you had gathered in the 3 days since the breakup.
scaramouche held a box containing your belongings. he walked into your living room, noting all of the details he would soon forget about you. as he set the box down on your sofa, he noticed your phone light up.
glancing at your door, he made sure you weren’t coming as he inserted your passcode into your phone. of course he knew your password, he was your boyfriend three days ago after all. he quickly opened and closed several apps, until he pressed on your gallery. he scrolled through hundreds and hundreds of screenshots of content of himself, things he didn’t know were even publicly online. he found your notepad of all of the known places he had gone to in your city, dating back to your fangirl days.
scaramouche slammed your phone down in disgust, alerting you from your bedroom. you walked over with the box in your hands, wondering what the loud noise was. scaramouche scoffed loudly, snatching the box from your grip. “you’re a fucking freak. stay the fuck away from me.” he spat before leaving, slamming the door behind him.
you walked over to what had been slammed on your coffee table, your phone. a long crack across your screen was the first thing you noticed, before turning your attention to what exactly was on your screen. all of the recently opened apps were left on some sort of documentation you had taken of scaramouche during your fangirl days. you didn’t meant to be weird. not really. you just wanted to bump into him and hopefully have a relationship with him, not even romantically, but a friendship.
your phone started dinging with notifications, twitter notifications coming up one after another. you tapped on the notification to see you had been tagged in a post by none other than scaramouche.
scarax: @(y/n)^_^ is a stalker freak. everything was a lie.
oh. oh.
mnxia: @(y/n)^_^ you’re acc such a freak for stalking scaramouche
hrtshapes: @(y/n)^_^ no way..
hundreds more notifications popped up on your phone. you quickly set all of your public accounts private. muting app notifications completely as you sat at your desk. so many thoughts raced through your head. your up and coming streaming channel was already starting to get a little popular, but that was all gone now. your whole online persona was tainted, ruined.
you sigh heavily, knowing you’d have to part with it. nothing you could do or say would make the situation any better. it looked bad. maybe it was bad.
a few hours after scaramouche’s tweet went out, all of your accounts were either deactivated or gone completely.
scaramouche scoffed as he tapped on your deactivated twitter account. you ran, just as he knew you would. he knew you wouldn’t have said anything in retaliation to his tweet, you knew better than that. but that didn’t stop him from looking through your mutuals following lists to make sure you hadn’t made a new account.
you spent the next two months in silence, away from any type of internet community. while you quietly browsed and logged things on your private accounts. scaramouche used the few public accounts you used, posting pictures of your steam, trying to add your friends on WoL through stat tracker sites.
that didn’t stop the tweets either, every other week he would vague tweet about you, or something you had ruined for him. the world had sided and sympathized with scaramouche.
luckily for you, two months later and the buzz of scaramouche’s ex stalker was no longer a topic at all. his feed was now void of any mention of you. so, you took advantage of this opportunity and created a twitter for your new self. you followed your mutual mutuals back, but kept the account as low profile as possible. you didn’t even have your name in the display name, just an emoji to represent your tweets. 
it didn’t take long for scaramouche to notice the sudden arrival of a new account following all of the people he knew you were friendly with. but he didn’t make it known that he knew, not really. at most, he would tweet out one of your tweets, word for word. people would reply to these tweets as if they were his own.
you took note of this as well on a burner account you had made in your absence, only following art and game accounts to keep up with the latest news. you frowned, seeing your same tweet on his feed. “if he hates me so much why does he watch me.” you mumbled under your breath as you closed out twitter.
you didn’t say anything related to him ever, your own personal rule. while you knew he watched you, at the very least he didn’t directly interact with you. he had your public account blocked despite the copying of tweets. but he left you alone. for that, you were grateful.
your account would go on to steadily grow in numbers, 100, 200, 300, and finally 400. only two hundred below scaramouche. for your 600th tweet and 400th follow you decided to post a picture of your cat in a silly hat you had gotten her while you were offline. your mutual, on a private account, tweeted a reply of her cat in response to the picture. “so cute 🤍” you replied to the picture.
hours later, your mutual would go on to post a private account requesting her account.
> @wanderingcat requested your account
> ew gross! total stalker account!
your breath hitched in your throat as you read over the username. wandering, cat. scaramouche’s old usernames had previously been wandering samurai, wandering hat. and cats, well, he looked just like one. and you had always let him know it.
you messaged your mutual, telling her about your history with him, and the reason why she had even been requested. because of you. scaramouche could not let go of you.
your mutual sent you screenshots of her telling him off, calling him a creep for still being so insistent on his knowledge of you. the screenshots made you laugh but you couldn’t help but notice his defense, as if nothing was wrong with what he was doing.
no word of you would ever be posted on his page though, everything looked normal. as it always had been. but the thought still weight heavily on you. he hadn’t done this since the initial breakup, it was now months later. why did he request her account? just because she replied to your post? you couldn’t let these burning questions go, so the next monday you found yourself in his doorway.
you knocked on the door, gripping your bag in your arm. the cold winter weather helped ease your nerves with the breeze against the trees.
it took a few moments before you heard his door unlatch, his bewildered expression surprising you.
“hey, scaramouche. are you busy?” you asked.
“why? what do you want?” you replied coldly. his glare made you feel small, standing there.
“i just want to talk. and finish things once and for all.”
“i considered it done when you ended it that friday.”
friday. you had forgotten what day of the week it was when it happened.
“but if it was completely done to you. then this wouldn’t still be happening, would it?”
scaramouche sucked his teeth, moving aside to let you into his apartment. nothing had changed since the last time you had been here. almost like nothing had happened at all.
“look, i’ll stop requesting your friends if that’s what you want. is there anything else i can do for you ma’am?” he retorted, leaning against his kitchen countertop.
an ironic thing to say really, as you had a gap in age with scaramouche.
“it’s not just that.” you mumbled, trying to get your thoughts together. the last few days, you had thought of something. but now that you were in front of him, asking if he would commit to your idea felt like a shot in the dark.
you had thought to befriend him, so this would all stop. the subtweeting, the stalking, the adding of your friends accounts. and despite what you were willing to admit, you wouldn’t mind being around him again. some days it felt so lonely that all you wanted to do was scream into your pillows and sulk in bed.
maybe he felt that same suffocating sadness. maybe that’s why he kept up with you.
“i understand if you don’t agree to this but, i would like to have a do over with you. not a relationship, but a friendship. just to be amicable. and then i’ll leave you alone, i promise. it just doesn’t feel right; leaving things like this.” you paused, looking at your feet. “i never hated you, not after the breakup or even with the tweets. i just hated what you were doing.”
“i hated what you were doing too, but, if we become amicable again, why do you want to leave? i don’t want to be left alone again.” he mumbled, reminding you of his sleepless nights he had once had about his mother and her absence.
how hopeless you were for a connection you had once had. the one thing that would break your circle of nothing. him.
“i won’t go if you don’t want me to. it’s just for your sake, i don’t think you’re too fond of me.”
scaramouche took you in his arms, cradling you in his embrace. “everything that happened deeply hurt me.” he whispered as you nodded. he pulled away from the embrace, he held your face in his hands, looking into your gaze directly.
“but please, give me your honesty. that’s the one thing i ask if i agree to this.”
“i will, i promise.”
you and scaramouche would go on to hangout everyday. both of your socials becoming less active as your days would be taken up with each other. you had come over with drinks in your hand, a very drunk friday night planned ahead for you both. alcohol sloshed in cans were clicked back as the night went on, movies you had brought over being played on his tv.
you never saw scaramouche in such a tender way. he was holding onto you in any way he could with each drink that passed into his system. you let yourself have that closeness to him for the night. it’s not like you’d remember it, anyway.
you had missed him, this close connection.
but after that weekend, everything had stopped, he’d stopped replying to your texts, his social media gone silent as well. you frowned, what had you done wrong?
you didn’t push him any further, opting to leave him alone. his discord status always stayed at an offline too. something that would stay for a month.
with december coming to an end, scaramouche’s birthday was coming up. january 3rd. though you weren’t talking, he was still someone you wanted to remember fondly. so, that weekend you went around to his streamer friends houses, gathering signatures for a card you’d present to him. everyone that signed had the same question, just who were you? you simply excused it with “just a friend.”
you wrote a personal note in a separate card, meant from you to him, and packaged them both up in decorated envelopes which you had drawn on. december 2nd came around, which meant you’d be making your midnight trip to his house.
pulling on your boots, you made sure to secure everything in your bag before you made the walk there. your boots crunched underneath the powdery white snow, evidence of this cold winter. while you walked, you thought of the last month that you hadn’t spoken to him. your month of patching things up felt like a brief but eventful time together. and you couldn’t fathom why he had decided to part from it.
you figured this would be your last interaction with him. he wanted nothing to do with you, you figured, from his constant disappearances. so, you’d give him one last gift before parting with him for good.
you had promised him, after all. and unlike him, you would make good on that promise.
the promise came with one of your drunken night’s together. through slurred words, scaramouche had told you how he had nothing planned for his birthday as he never felt he was worthy of a celebration for his life. with his mother taking off as soon as she could, he never saw much value in himself.
through quiet mumbles, you made him a drunken promise. you doubted he’d even remember it, but you still did. so here you were now, clutching two envelopes in your hand as you knocked on his door.
checking your phone, you noted the 2 minutes until midnight, hearing sounds coming from behind the door. scaramouche’s expression of exhaustion turned into one of surprise. here you were, once again. in the middle of the night?
“(y/n)? what time is it?” scaramouche yawned.
you shook your head, presenting him the envelopes. he took them from your hands, his eyes scanning over the little doodles and details you had drawn on them.
“happy birthday.” you replied, ready to turn away to return to your life. but he stopped you.
“(y/n)? why don’t you come in.” he said softly towards your turning back.
you smiled to yourself before turning around and following him inside. “okay.”
a/n: i didn’t mean to make this a two part story but i already feel like it’s very long so.. this will eventually be a 3 part series. i’m very sorry that i haven’t posted in awhile, i just haven’t felt much motivation to write with everything that was going on. everything going on being.. this. i haven’t written in a very long time so i apologize if my writing style seems different than before. i was also high for 3/4 of me writing this so there’s that. i’ll post part two very soon as i’m currently still living in part 3 ^_^
Hello, off topic but i LOVE your angst fanfics!! (Mostly scaramouche..) especially when its with the cheating trope. I love it but i rarely find any so i was sososososoososo happy when i found your account!!! Your work is amazing
omg thank you sm !! bc that’s exactly why i started writing, bc there was nothing like it. so that rlly means sm to me thank you for enjoying my fics 🤍
Sorry if this is too personal but are your posts some sort of coping mechanism to you since they’re mostly about real events from your life? I’ve seen that you talk about your mental health sometimes so I’m guessing they make you knew comfortable with these events? Hope you’re doing ok tho I live for your posts ❤️
thank you for the ask anon! it actually is a coping mechanism for me, being able to write out my experiences and have people relate to it or feel something for it is kinda validating for me. usually when I post a bunch is when I'm going through a rlly hard time, but other times I find it hard to write about at all @_@
hey lina hope ur doing okay thats all i had to say tbh
hey ren! thanks for checking up on me ^_^
i’m currently going through the worst situationship i’ve ever had in my life, and i would turn it into a fic but i got ghosted for two months and then tweeted about a week later after i left so i’m not sure how you can write about absence and conversations that never happened 🤍
heyy kinda random but I just wanted to say thank you so much, your fics help me through my bad days and you help me feel when there was no one to feel for in my life <3
I downloaded tumblr just so I could get notifications from you and I’m really happy i did because now i feel like i have so much to live for
Ik im sorry it doesn’t make much sense and it sounds kinda dumb but yeah i hope youre doing good, and keep writing i will always support you!
this is so sweet, i’m really glad i could help you with my little writings i put out on here for you guys
i hope i can continue to put things out that you can relate to nd not feel as alone. i understand how that feels sm nd just needing to relate to something to feel absolutely anything. i’m always here for you guys, even through my writing<3
sypnosis: with a new job as the desk secretary for the wangshu inn, you meet a very reserved xiao who seems to open up to you.
warnings: angst, no comfort, situationship-ish, abandonment
summer in liyue was always something you looked forward to every year. but this year you wouldn’t be enjoying the summer heat that liyue had to offer, instead you’d be enjoying the view from high above at the wangshu inn. your summer job manning the desk was just something you decided to pick up as your summer seemed to be isolating at home. with no one to talk to, your early summer days had all blended into one loop you couldn’t stand. so, here you were. seated at the desk with paperwork in front of you.
you didn’t have much complaints about your job, it was light and easy, and came with its own perks like free lunch down below where you worked. but something interested you more than the free lunch.
a boy with teal hair and piercing golden eyes. he seemed to take up most of your daydreams lately. he had introduced himself to you the first day you came to work here, coming to chat a few times here and there, but never staying for long. he reminded you of a cat almost. skittish but free.
lately he has been visiting you more and more often during your shift. you two seemed to never run out of things to talk about. time passed by quickly when you were with him, but your heart ached with his absence that would always inevitably come. silly girl, crushing on the wangshu inn’s yaksha.
you sighed, checking the time as the sun was setting. xiao hadn’t come by today, something unusual from your now daily routine. the aching, sinking feeling sat in the pit of your stomach. the same feeling you would get at home before you got this job.
your chair squeaked noisily against the wooden floors as you pushed your seat back, going up to the balcony for a view of the setting sun. the sunset during the hot summer season always seemed to comfort you.
resting your cheek against your palm lazily, you wondering what xiao was doing as you gazed at the sky. had he gotten busy with one of his tasks for zhongli? or did he just not want to see you?
“you appear lost in thought.”
your eyes widened as your head whipped to the side. there he was. the man who haunted your dreams.
“xiao! where have you been?”
you worriedly scanned his features for any sign of injury.
“i apologize, (y/n). a job for morax ran longer than i anticipated.”
xiao gave your shoulder a gentle squeeze as he looked back out to the sky in front of him.
“no one has ever seemed so anxious for my arrival as you have, (y/n).” xiao spoke quietly.
anxiety bubbled in your chest, was he upset or annoyed by this? you wrung your hands nervously under the wooden balcony. “im sorry if that bothers you xiao.”
xiao laughed at your nervous response. “nonsense, (y/n). it pleases me that someone seems so.. happy to see me.” xiao turned his attention to you now, the setting sun turning from dusk to night. “you know, my heart is very small and cold as i don’t hold much interest in others or anything at all. but i promise you, (y/n), you have a cozy spot deep within my heart.”
that warm sensation you always felt whenever you were with him seemed to amplify with his words. he never voiced any of this to you before. it was a nice surprise.
“you have a spot in my heart too, xiao. i’m happy it’s a mutual feeling.” you smiled gently at him, noticing him inching closer to you. he pulled you by your arm gently, embracing you.
you had never gotten this close to him before as he shyed away from most close interactions. but you could feel so much with this new development. you could feel his warmth, the smell of his hair, and the beating of your heart.
“i care so much for you, (y/n). i hope you know that” xiao whispered before gently kissing your head, taking a step back and disappearing into mist.
this time you didn’t feel an ache in your heart, but excitement for your newfound progression in your relationship with xiao. your head felt light and “fuzz” almost, this warm feeling consuming your being.
you went home that night with a skip in your step, looking forward to your next day of work. how silly it was to you, looking forward to a job for some boy. you had never found yourself looking forward to such things before.
xiao would arrive at his usual time the next day, with a bowl of almond tofu in his hands. you both sat together and had lunch, discussing your plans for the coming weekend.
“so, (y/n).” you looked up at him from your plate of matsutake meat rolls. “there is a performance i plan on attending at the zubayr theatre in sumeru. i was wondering if you’d like to accompany me to it.”
you nodded immediately, “yes, of course i’ll go with you.”
excitement racked your entire being. xiao invited you to an outing? and outside of the inn? your heart raced with the possibilities of what could happen between you both as you got ready for the performance the next day.
xiao showed up at your doorstep, a small smile on his face as he asked you if you were ready to go. with a small nod of your head, his slender fingers gripped onto you tightly, holding you against his side, and in a blink of your eyes you found yourself in front of the theatre.
you had been here before a few times, but your visits to other regions had been few and very spaced out. but this time you had something to remember it better.
xiao took your hand, leading you inside as you both made your way to the front row. in the glistening of the theatre, xiao looked ethereal. his teal hair framing his face perfectly, his eyes shimmering with excitement as dancers walked on stage. you were more enamored with him than the performance.
it was a side of xiao you had never seen before. genuine excitement on his face as he squeezed your hand. you both watched as the dancers floated across the stage, in sync, silks fluttering with their movement.
applause erupted from xiao’s hands as the performance ended, standing up and clapping for the dancers. you stood up, clapping next to him, noticing a small grin on his face when you both met each others eyes for the first time since the performance started.
“that was beautiful.” you remarked as you both walked outside the theatre. “thank you for inviting me to come and see it.”
xiao nodded, taking your hand once more. “they have shows every friday evening. i always come to see them, maybe you’d like to accompany me to more of them?” he asked quietly, gazing at you as you looked ahead. you turned your head, meeting his gaze as you smiled, “i’d really love to come to more of these, i really enjoyed it.” xiao nodded, a smile on his face as he squeezed your hand before pulling you close to him once more.
you closed your eyes at the sudden movement, only to see your front door once you opened them. “have a good night, (y/n).” xiao kissed your cheek briefly before disappearing once again. your fingertips ghosted over the cheek that he kissed. you were looking forward to more of these special moments shared with him.
two months passed by in a breeze, every friday you’d go to the theatre with xiao. but now he spent his weekends at your place. small pecks on the lip and cheek became a greeting between you both, and disk never shyed away from holding your hand whenever you both had an outing to attend to together. but even with these small affections, he still never seemed to being up a label between you both. clearly there was something there, right? but you both hadn’t dared to say the three words you associated with each other. i love you. a short but powerful phrase. and it hasn’t left either of your lips.
the thought made you anxious. just what were you doing if it wasn’t more than companionship? so, you made up your mind. you’d bring up the conversation at lunch before the usual friday plans.
time seemed to slow as the hours dredged until lunch. how would he respond to your question? would he push you away, or pull you closer? the thought ate away at you, and xiao noticed. a gentle question of what was wrong left his lips, but you reassured him it was nothing.
it wasn’t nothing when the question left your lips, “what are we, xiao?” xiao choked on his almond tofu the second you finished your question. “what do you mean, (y/n)?”
“you know..” you waved a hand between you both. “what is my relationship to you? what do you think of me as?” you asked anxiously.
“we’re friends of course.” xiao replied. you nodded at his response, suddenly feeling sick. you didn’t have much of an appetite anymore as xiao finished his bowl. you both cleared your dishes, walking back to the front desk as you had to return to your duties.
xiao walked alongside you now, not taking your hand. you didn’t voice it, only commenting how humid the air seemed today. you chatted anxiously about liyue and the upcoming festival in inazuma as you both walked up the steps, turning the corner back to the front desk, you noticed how much quieter it got. you glanced to your side and noticed xiao was now gone.
“xiao?”
you retraced your steps, only to find no sign of him. you frowned, biting your lip nervously. maybe zhongli called him for a job to take care of, you’d be seeing him later tonight anyway. right?
“calm down (y/n). he isn’t like that, he’ll be back.” you mumbled to yourself as you got back to work.
but how wrong could you have been. you went home by yourself, getting ready and waiting by the door for xiao’s gentle knocks. but those knocks would never come. the clock read 2:38 am as you sighed, soaking in your bathtub as you thought over the day. it had been your first day alone in a little over two months. you forgot how much you hated your own silence.
“i feel so stupid.” you said out loud to no one in particular, burying your face into your knees. your dependence with him was showing, and it made you feel oh so weak. the absence of one person was enough to shake you and cause turmoil to spew in your head once more.
you went to bed that night hoping xiao would turn up the next day and continue the routine you both had shared for some time now. you hoped with everything in you that he was just busy. something came up. it wasn’t because of the question you had asked him. he had… matters to attend to. that’s all it was!
your hope would be short lived as the weekend came and went with no sign of xiao. you sighed shakily at the front desk of the inn that following monday. your nails were chewed raw, lips slightly bleeding as they had suffered the same fate. xiao hadn’t shown up at his usual time today either.
“i can’t do this.” you thought to yourself as you stood up from your seat. that anxious sinking feeling was starting to consume you. afraid that the feeling would only escalate, you decided to walk around the inn to calm your nerves. you walked down the steps and back up to the balcony, finally catching a glimpse of the teal haired man.
“xiao! i was so worried about you. what happened? why didn’t you come?” you grabbed his arm as questions seemed to pour out of you. xiao smiled gently, taking your hand from his shoulder and squeezing them in the palms of his own.
“i apologize, my dear. i wasn’t feeling well.” you nodded as you hugged him tightly, quite seemingly throwing yourself into his embrace. “i was so worried.” your voice was muffled against his chest as he stroked your head. “i’m very sorry, (y/n).. i’ll make it up to you. i’ll come over with you today if you’d like.”
you looked at him and nodded, “i’d really like that, xiao.” you smiled.
xiao spent the rest of your shift by your side. he told you of his tasks zhongli had assigned him and the pesky hilichurl camps he had to clear earlier in the day.
you were nothing but smiles as the day ended, with xiao by your side as you both now walked on the path that led to your home. again, he didn’t hold your hand but you assumed it was nothing. you’d be spending the new few hours with him anyway.
you both chatted about plans after summer ended, and how you wished to continue your job at the inn to see him once it did. he shared the same thoughts on the matter to your relief. as you both stopped in front of your door, you smiled at xiao as you turned your attention to your bag, fishing out your keys from the bottom, you unlocked the door.
you sighed happily and threw your bag to the side of the door, stepping to the side and holding onto the door. “welcome home!” you spoke cheerily, only to hear no footsteps. you looked at your doorway only to find the teal haired man gone. “xiao?”
you stepped outside, looking around anxiously. he was gone. he left again. that sick nauseating anxiety seemed to come back full force, hitting you like a truck. you slammed your door shut, sitting against it with shaky breaths leaving your lips. attachment consumed your being, xiao was your blessing and vice.
“calm down, calm down.” you mumbled to yourself . but even you could see how your hands shook, and the cold that consumed your body. the summer heat of liyue couldn’t warm you now.
you went to bed that night with a heavy heart, thoughts of xiao haunting your restless sleep. xiao didnt make it easier on you either. he decided to make himself scarce for the following month and a half. the only times you’d see him was enough to get a glimpse, only for him to disappear again. you couldn’t remember how many nights you’d spent weeping over the whole ordeal.
with the summer coming to a close, you decided you had to try one last time. would you wait for him? or confront him?
for the sake of your own anxieties, you chose the latter. a small favor was asked of your friend, zhongli, as you waited patiently on the balcony for xiao. to your surprise, he did show up. but he wouldn’t look at you. he refused to meet your eyes as he stared out into the sunset.
“you requested to speak to me?” xiao spoke coldly.
“xiao.. just what happened? why did you grow quiet? did i say or do something? please, i just want an answer..” you trailed off as you took a step closer to him, only for him to take a step back. “i.. i still haven’t renewed my contract to continue working here.. i thought i’d ask you before i made any final decisions.. because we talked about it before..” you spoke quietly.
“it matters not if you continue working here or not, rather your presence makes no difference to me. i forgot how much i enjoyed my own company and time rather than with someone else. that’s all it was. now, if that’s all i’d rather be doing something else than speaking on such trivial nonsense.” xiao’s monotone voice spat like venom.
the realization that the summer you shared with him was gone now came to you. the xiao you once knew was long gone. or maybe he never existed at all.
you knew better than to fight him, better than to give him the satisfaction of your emotions. you only nodded quietly before stepping away, leaving him behind as quickly as you could.
you went on to cancel your contract with the inn, opting for the solidarity of your home once more. you made sure to never step near the inn, even with the lantern rite festival soon after. the few times you’d see xiao after that conversation, his gaze seemed to linger a bit too long for your liking, as you always turned away from him. never allowing him to come close enough. you wouldn’t notice the yaksha hiding in the mountains near your home, watching you arrive home on the days he once shared with you. was it regret he was feeling? or was it the actions of another being he couldn’t explain to you about?
the start of a sweet summer only to end in flames was all you knew.
wait, did the reader die in your recent scara fic (as we're meant to be)? or did scara just eventually forget about her?
hey anon! thanks for the question^^
honestly i left the ending to be more for your guys interpretation of it. all scara knows is he’s forgetting how you looked but still thinks he catches glimpses of what he does remember.
sypnosis: scaramouche reminisces on the last conversation he had with you
warnings: angst, no comfort, mean scara, mentions of drugs, nsfw themes mentioned
“stupid fucking girl.” scaramouche seethed, his hands pushing against your shoulders, back hitting the cool concrete wall behind you. you sat quietly under his gaze, his anger flickering in his eyes.
“you don’t want to talk now? hm?” cold fingers gripped your chin as you stared up at him blankly.
“there’s nothing to say.” you mumbled as he loosened his grip on you.
anxiety bubbled in the pit of scaramouche’s stomach. no, this wasn’t how it went. this didn’t happen. you didn’t react this way before:
scaramouche took a step back, staring at your? form.
“this isn’t what happened.”
“you’re right, it’s not.” you replied stoically.
memories of what really happened flashed in his mind. your tears, his angry words, the look of defeat you gave him as he left you sitting there.
“you love me? how fucking sad. i don’t even think about you.” scaramouche spat as you wept in front of him.
your fists were balling up the sundress you had decided to wear that hot summer day, gripping the soft fabric tightly beneath your fingers.
“i said i’d always wait for you scaramouche, i meant that. i know it’s not your thing to be close to people but, we’re different. we click, you even told me that yourself!” you cried out.
scaramouche grit his teeth, remembering the words he had told you when you were both on a substance and not completely yourselves.
“i lied. i don’t feel anything for you. you’re more of a pest, if anything.” he sneered.
“but you said-“
“STUPID fucking girl!” your back hit the wall so suddenly, you stared up at him in shock, and fear? it was an expression scaramouche had never seen before.
“you’re fucking nothing to me. everything we’ve had together was because i was using you, don’t you get that? i was bored. i didn’t feel anything, i didn’t mean anything i said. i only said it to get you on your knees.”
shame bubbled in the pit of your stomach as you remembered the things you had done with him. you had given him many of your firsts, while he was experienced.
as he shook your shoulders, rambling about how much he never felt anything for the intimate moments you shared, you felt something inside of you break.
like a glass table that was always on the verge of breaking. the glass had now shattered, every hope in it staying together was on the floor with the shards of glass.
something in you dulled, your expression now blank as tears rolled down your cheeks. you had made yourself ugly for a boy that never thought of holding you in a way he truly meant. you had ruined yourself for a boy that wouldn’t even hold your hand.
“you don’t want to talk now? hm?” cold fingers gripped your chin as you stared up at him blankly.
“you’re right.” you said stoically.
scaramouche scoffed, “i’m right? of course i know i’m right.”
“as we’re meant to be..” you mumbled.
“speak up!” scaramouche shouted, his nails now digging into your shoulders.
“i’ll leave you alone. let’s just go back to how we were meant to be. i’ll never speak to you again.”
scaramouche laughed loudly at this, his head thrown back as he cackled in front of you.
“we’ll see about that. i’m sure you’ll come running right back.” he spoke, his back now to you as he reached for his backpack that was previously discarded on the floor.
he left you sitting there in your sundress, only looking back once he was sure you couldn’t see him. that same expression was still on your face as you gently picked your bag up, walking the opposite way of his direction.
that would be the last time he ever saw you. and now you haunted his dreams. that white sundress, that conversation.
your face that seemed to distort more and more as the years went on. it had been five summers since he’d seen you. but sometimes he swore he saw you in passing.
your palms began to sweat. she knew. but how? beidou’s glare bore into your nervous form as you let out a breath.
“how much do you know?” you asked quietly.
“i know something happened between you and kazuha. he doesn’t mention you anymore like he used to, not since he came back on the alcor. and once you left in such a rush i knew something happened between you two.”
shame burned your insides. your cheeks were heating up and you felt it, you felt it all too well. you were embarrassed, humiliated. kazuha was your ex, your ex who was loved by all. would she even believe you? she knew kazuha more personally than she knew you.
“you can trust me (y/n). if that boy wronged you, i’ll give him hell.”
you smiled softly at the fierceness in her voice. beidou was one of the good ones. so, you told her everything. from the alcohol to the disgusting warmth that spilled out of you once kazuha had his fill of you.
beidou held your hands in hers tightly as you finished retelling the events between you and the white haired samurai. tears of shame pricked your eyes but you blinked them away. you wouldn’t give him your tears. he had taken enough of you.
“we have to do something.” beidou finally murmured after what felt like ages.
you shook your head, “what’s done is done. i can’t face him again.”
beidou placed a firm hand on your shoulder, a kind warmth you hadn’t felt since before that day.
“i want to help you (y/n)). if you don’t get any closure i’m afraid this will eat you alive.” she spoke gently as if she was trying not to scare you.
beidou went on to make a plan to help ease the turmoil in your mind. rather than you speaking to kazuha, she would ask him what happened instead. if he admitted to it, then that would be your closure. closure that he knew he wronged you, that he felt some type of guilt.
because you had returned to the alcor before kazuha had returned from exploring the nearby city, you could easily find a place to hide and listen to the conversation beidou would be having with him.
beidou helped you to get below the shipdeck, the gaps between the wood creating enough space for you to be able to hear above. now was the hard part, waiting.
you sat under that deck for what felt like hours, until the familiar muffled steps of beidou and kazuha was heard.
you stood directly under the gaps, peering up at the red and black figures above. the both of them had bottles in their hands, a usual for them whenever they spoke privately.
“so, kazuha, i ran into (y/n) today. she seemed different, maybe you should talk to her?”
kazuha laughed gently, “about what exactly? i cannot help that girl.”
beidous expression stiffened. “well, i’ve seen how the both of you are with one another here. i thought you were close.”
kazuha shook his head, the bottle in his hand swaying with the shaking of his head. “i hardly know the girl. whatever troubles her, i’m sure it won’t be resolved with anything i could say to her.”
“nothing happened between you two? are you sure? you both seemed awfully close the last time she was here.”
“nothing happened between us. she is only a wandering girl, such as i.”
“hmm.” beidou hummed a response and bid goodnight to kazuha, turning on her heel and making her way down below the ship. she found you quietly sobbing on the floor, knees to your chest, hands over your face.
“i-it’s not fair, beidou! he used me! he used me. i’m ruined. i’m dirty and disgusting, i’m used up. i’m no good anymore.” you babbled out incoherently as beidou knelt down to hold your sobbing form.
“you’re none of those things, (y/n). don’t let him win. you’re so much more than that. you’re not what he did to you.” beidou whispered gently.
you no longer could utter another word, only a slight nod and sniffles were made from you as heizou helped you up and out of the bottom of the ship. you spent the night in her room, the comfort of her presence was more than enough for you.
from that day on you would avoid his gaze. for awhile, he’d stop you to present his latest haiku. but with a drastic lack of enthusiasm he no longer asked you what you thought. your blank stares and monotone voice had said enough.
but you never noticed his stares from across the ship when you were laughing and talking with the others. the grip on his sake bottle tightening with every laugh that escaped you.
Stop writing sad stuff that's good >:((( I just keep reading your blog in the middle of the night and have to try to not cry 😭😭😭 (it's impossible, I always cry)
How do you even do it??
thank you for the kind words ^^ i rlly try to put as much emotion into my stories/fics as accurately as i feel them! most of them are loosely/based on experiences i have personally have so that helps me shape things out too! i write best when i am at my worst which is a blessing and a curse but i genuinely enjoy putting it into stories for you guys even if that’s a little horrific lol
hi! thank you for reaching out to me about nat, i have an update from her since i had her discord!
please share/reblog!
@/teapartyspilled's account was hacked, the hacker had deactivated it and made a new account. it was really unfortunate considering all of her stories are gone, but to those who knew her stories, please contact through discord (nightwing4798) if you are willing to help get some of her stories back!
if you have reblogged stories from her, please don't hesitate to copy link and send it to her! or just search her name through your blog and dig for the stories you've reblogged.
god, my heart aches for her and all of her hardwork, i love nat's stories so much, she was the reason why i decided to start writing too, she's one of my pillars of how my blog started.
i cant believe this.
Thanks for this info I shall reblog this ask in case anyone wants to reach out thank u
i get so sad whenever i see a good fanfic writer deactivate omg </3 second one i’ve been sad to see go
honestly i do feel like with certain people deactivating, writing has been harder for me bc i liked to enjoy reading fics while i was actively putting out fics weekly. but now whenever i skim the genshin angst tag or anything like that nothing recent interests me nd then i’m even less inspired to write. it just feels like overall tumblr has been lacking a lot lately but maybe i’m missing out on the good stuff that doesn’t pop up on my feed
