Been a while on here.
I'm here, first day home after a long rewarding vacation, laying on the floor crying myself to sleep. Hung out with dad earlier. Got lunch. Was reminded of how awkward some things he says in public are. Loudly shocked at the prices of clothing being in the hundreds at Diesel after insisting on going in when I didn't want to and be already knows the price range here. Triggering awkwardness in me: I want to appear, at least in the dwindling number of topics I actually feel comfortable about claiming as something I'm familiar enough with to pass judgement in (which for me requires immense familiarity and knowledge, plus a confidence the knowledge as recalled is accurate) by undermining any appearance of refinement or class to...nobody of importance but myself. I would hate someone walking in and gawking at prices even if I just worked there. Wierd sort of trigger that's mainly relevant because, being my dad, his actions all reflect on me in a way. Whatever. Very annoyed by this point of many small demonstrations that he just doesn't understand in a knowledgeable way the things I do in my life. Sexually pent up from earlier (unrelated), so increasingly irritable when frustrated as a result. He asks me on the way out to hand a check to my mom. After explaining some of the re-re-revised divorce agreement, he mentions this is part of a larger payment he can't currently make. Will pay more later. I know this will upset my mom to no end (she's convinced he's trying to hide excessive amounts of money from her, which is less true than he just doesn't save so no reliable balloon to draw from in case extra payment like this is required, and from his employer processing his payment quickly vs her portion of his income very slowly so she gets money very late) but agree to do this since currently this will mean she gets more money sooner. Worth. I get home. Happy to see me. Good vibes, good conversations. Plans to go out tomorrow for food buying. Reminds me I should give check. She immediately gets extremely upset. I "treated her horribly" by explaining above partial payment saying he didn't have the money and I'm now "taking his side which is a lie" and "told her to eat shit" by saying that. Upset by her gross exaggeration of my statement, I eviscerate the argument agressively and force her to realize I never said this. "Your attitude told me that" and she refuses to acknowledge I never said this or implied it. Insulted, I say mean things. She says mean things. Becomes an argument over the legal wording of a document. I provide insight as to how she is wrong and the document does not explicitly state the claims she makes, and that the currently-implemented and as of yet not due payment cycle and as expected payment system would probably hold up in court. She disagrees. Upset that I don't agree with her. Insulted I could "take his side". She comes in shortly after argument rudely ends, "you should just go live with him". Pitiful cry for 'leave me alone I'm trash'. She doesn't realize this means to me "get the fuck out of my life.". I explain, aggressively. She denies. "Fuck you, for welcoming me home by telling me to get out of your life. See how it feels." I retreat to room, lock, power down. I know I'm in the right. I know I'm trying to get someone to see how painful their claims towards me are and how they make me angry because I would never say these things and I'm insulted she thinks I would just outright feel this way. I'm the entire reason for existing for someone. This is a burden nobody should bear. I love my mom, but I hate this. I cannot handle an emotionally eviscerating relationship where the smallest wrong thing can trigger hours of fighting. I can't deal with the productivity loss, the emotional baggage, the fact that I have to sit here and meditate and disable my emotional responses manually. I'm cauterizing the wound of this argument by removing my ability to feel anything about it. Angered. Remorseful. Saddened. Hurt. I know she feels for whatever reason pained by a multi-decade relationship and is triggered for whatever pain she's in by me being involved in any capacity other than reaffirming she's in the right. "[She's] been screwed by this asshole for [years], how can her own son not agree and take his side?" Implied: 'I would have no one left in this world that understands/empathizes with me'. It's painful. I care for someone and as long as we both exist, I'm the sole source of friendship and love and emotional investment in her life. Its entirely because of this dependance that I have little intrest in relationships with a female, tangentially - Freudian psychoanalysis (to some degree) is often accurate when stating we see out that of our opposite parent, ie. males end up dating one similar to their mother or one abundant in a form of love their mother lacked. This experience, as much as rationally and socially completely inaccurate, still transposes its negative qualities by lifetime association to all with-female relationships. Unfortunate. Aware of this issue and have been making large steps of progress against undoing it. Very hard. So that's it. I sit here with nothing but self-loathing. I hate what I have become. What I am able to say. I can precisely destroy someone emotionally, extremely easily. I can say a few phrases and bring someone I once loved unconditionally to a crippled heap of insecurity and pain. Justified? Maybe. I cut out all the real emotional responses long ago - in the moment, I fight to win. Later, I realize how shitty the claims she made first are and how shitty it makes me feel when she says specific things to me. Things she knows makes me feel this way because I said so, but she doesn't comprehend them. This doesn't make it right. I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't lash out. I can already cut away everything else - I could just not respond to her like this, sigh, take it, and let her walk away having yelled at me and not feeling much better about her financial insecurity to go feel bad for the rest of the night. Not my problem. I do this a hundred times, occasionally I want to say how I feel. I want her to understand the world isn't out to get her. Its not how it seems. Even if it were, why believe that? It serves no purpose other than to make one depressed and upset. I can't hold it all in and say mean shit. And I hate myself for every single bit of it. I can rationalize away how other people feel, but I know myself better. I don't need to feel that, or any of the other things I've carved out of my soul. I can just do it again, and I didn't - failing to do so hurt someone else badly. It's sad to say, but arguably I care for my lover more than for my mom, the only family I've ever felt close to. What if I hurt him like this. What if I become compromised and say something I don't fully mean, just to get even? She started it and created this precedent long ago, and we kinda heal as a result - but he could too, and something like this could hypothetically happen again. I would never want to do this to anyone - in the absence of feeling emotion, I become capable of too much. Perhaps this is why I only have ever been intimately intrested in those who do not feel emotion as most do. Sociopaths. This one knows how to channel that in a positive way, going out of his way to learn how to console people and comfort others based on the way they feel things he cannot. He holds the same power I do, but uses it to be compassionate and kind in unspeakable ways. Better than me. Someone I could only aspire to be but a tenth of. One of the many reasons I love him with all my soul. Crying myself to sleep for a different reason now.
