The last time I took a bath photo, was 3 years ago. Before my chronic illnesses took hold. The bath was a safe place before then. Now it raises my BP and heart rate to uncomfortable levels, and is extremely painful to get out of. My back pain has a tight grip on me now. My eyes want to close while I lay in bed at night, but the pain keeps them wide open. Thinking of times before pain brings me to tears. Times before thinking about how I am going to accomplish small tasks, or how to spend the day with my daughter at an event. My coworkers joke they should get me a wheelchair, but sitting for too long kills me. Standing too long kills me. Breathing for this long while in pain is killing me. I ran into my lawyer at a family party last week. The one who represented me against the people who hit me in my car accidents. He asked how my back was doing. I said “not good”. I could see the disappointment on his face. We settled before going to court because I was afraid no one would believe me. No one would believe I was in constant pain, and they would award me nothing. He thinks I could have gotten more $$$. I don’t agree. Money wouldn’t make my back pain better. If it would, I would have taken them for everything they had. I suffer silently, among those around me who are excited to move across country next month. I am dreading it. I will suffer and continue to do so. No one needs to know. So for now, I try to enjoy my lukewarm bath and reminisce with tears in my eyes. I won’t think about the pain of getting out just yet. I will fool myself into thinking everything will get better.













