@rachelomgosh - Tumblr Blog

Help

I want to tell you about my day, but you’ll frown in disappointment.

I want to tell you how I feel, but you’ll just tell me I’m making it all up.

I want to ask you for help, but you’ll treat me like they do.

I want a friend, but I just bother everyone.

I want to trust people, but no one will listen.

Help, I whisper in a hoarse voice to the shadows that have come back to once again comfort me. I know they will listen and be my friend, just like before.

It’s been over a year. You’ve been out of my life for over a year now. And yet when I have an attitude problem....it’s always “you’re acting just like when you were dating andrew” I’M NOT WITH HIM ANYMORE. HE CAN’T CONTROL MY LIFE ANYMORE!! AND YET, YOU KEEP BRINGING UP AND GIVING HIS GHOST CONTROL. HE DOESN’T DEFINE MY LIFE ANYMORE, AND YET YOU LET HIM DEFINE ME.

You can call me a bitch. A Cunt. A loser. Anything.... but the one thing you cannot tell me is anything still associating anything with him.

You used to tell me “he’s abusive.” When verbally put me down, made me feel inferior, made me doubt myself......physically assaulted me and damaged me permanently....you don’t think i TRIED to get rid of him??? I realized that, and did try to get away.

Who do you think my stalker was?? His tactic fucking WORKED and had me scared back into his arms. And I hate myself every day for fucking falling for it. I was such an idiot.

But you have NO FUCKING RIGHT TO COMPARE ME TO WHEN I WAS DATING HIM. SO I HAVE ONE BAD WEEKEND BECAUSE YOU’RE CAUSING ME MORE STRESS THAN I CAN HANDLE, AND I TELL YOU THAT EVERY TIME YOU DO IT, AND I CRACK.....THAT DOESN’T MEAN I’M “ACTING LIKE WHEN I DATED ANDREW” I’M WITH SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME FOR WHO I AM, AND DOESN’T TRY TO CHANGE ME. SOMEONE WHO’S COMPASSIONATE AND LISTENS INSTEAD OF YELLS. IF I COULD TELL YOU FUCK YOU, I WOULD, EVEN IF THOSE WERE MY DEPARTING WORDS FOR LIFE, I’D LIVE WITH IT. IT WOULD BE WORTH IT, BECAUSE I’M NOTHING LIKE I WAS. I HAVE A BAD DAY, WHO THE FUCK DOESN’T?? THAT DOESN’T MEAN I’M WORTH NOTHING AGAIN. IF I COULD KILL THAT FUCKER JUST TO GET HIM OUT OF MY LIFE....... I WOULD.

I wish I didnt have big boobs. I'm always getting in trouble for the way I look at jobs. I don't dress "suggestively" it's just that things look different on me than they do on other girls. Especially at this one job right now. I see all the girls in little spaghetti strap tops, bralettes, showing off their curves.. And then there's me. "you're too blessed on too, let's cover that up"..so I now I have to dress head to toe and these girls don't have to. It's nothing against them, it just sucks wearing the same 2 unflattering shirts to work every time I'm scheduled. I found a cute top, but I don't think I'm going to buy it due to the fact my boobs would show "too much". I'm trying to lose weight, but this has been an issue for me since high school. I wish I could've had breast reduction surgery, my back hurts every day, my breathing is constricted, I'm miserable... I wish clothes wouldn't look so slutty on me, I'm not that kind of person to flaunt it (unless I choose to for a specific event). But I wish I would stop being judged for it at a professional level.

Note to me

Never tell my mom anything. Not even something that makes me happy. "this is reality" Inner Thoughts "no, it's you being a bitch. " I zipped my lips, tossed out my wine, and said thank you for dinner. "did you just toss out wine?? " "yes. Because even though I had one sip, I don't want you calling me an alcoholic or a drunk. I'd rather throw it away than have that stigma"

When I was younger, I used to look at my best friends and their relationships with their moms. I envied them. My mom wasn't horrible. She just never understood me, I could never have that "special bond" like all my friends had. We've had our special moments, but so few and far inbetween. I vowed that whenever I became a mom, I'd be there. My child could trust me with anything, and I'd be able to help them when they needed it. Period talks would be open, sex education wouldn't be taboo, anything they wanted to talk about, I'd be there. Now that I'm an adult, I'm scared u wouldn't be that mom. My child would hate me like I dislike my mom. He makes me a better person, and I couldn't ask for a better partner in life. He makes me think I have a chance at being the parent I always wished to be.

Self esteem

My self esteem is gone. I used to love myself... Love my body... Proud of my body. That was 35 pounds ago. Sounds vain, I know. But when I was skinny I could wear ANYTHING. All my clothes fit, jeans were comfortable, and my boots zipped up. I reorganized my closet today, and all I could hear was my mother's voice in my head. "be like uncle Tracy! Minimalism!!!"...shes been saying that ever since her trip. I get it. I went through all my clothes, and maybe 5% fit properly? It's also my breasts. They're so big that nothing fits without making me look like a slut. I wish I had clothes that fit normally. She told me to get rid of my boots,the ones that don't fit.... So all of them.. I lost it. Yes I threw clothes on the ground. My clothes. That I paid for. She tried to take them, so I stepped on them to stop her... That's when she hot physical and started slapping me. At least it was my leg and not my face this time. Then I got more upset, so I took more clothes, started shouted designer labels and prices, and dropping them. They're just clothes they're not gonna break.... Except when my mom tried to rip my favorite jacket from under my foot and the stitching made a popping sound.. She then started throwing trinkets into the pile. And empty soda can, flashlights, a wine bottle. Apparently if you don't drink a bottle your "friend" got you for your birthday last year, you're a hoarder. No mom... I'm sorry I don't have friends. I tried calling her over many times to drink it, and she made it clear we were to just drift apart until we're not friends anymore. That Guilted mom into picking it up. So now... Here I sit... Drunk and no esteem. I'm scared to even go to my social outing tomorrow for fear she's going to bag everything up and kick me out like she wanted to tonight. She doesn't want me here.. I don't want to be here... I wish I could just pack up and go. I have no stable job.. Yet no money to go anywhere. I never want to come back.

Jealousy... It's ugly.

I don't mean to be a jealous person... I just don't know how to share what's mine. I'm not a very envious person in life, I'm happy for people living their lives and I get to see them so happy. But I don't know how to be happy. Like I said... I don't know how to share things very well. I remember trying to "share" this guy, and I ended up disliking the girl over the mere fact she was sweeter than I was. I hated myself for that feeling. Thank God we were young and stupid and moved on in life! I was with a guy who didn't like to share me at all. Not even with friends unless he was there too. I lost a lot of friends, generally throughout my life, so I'm not used to having friends either, but that's for another time. I hated how he would make me feel.... Guilty.. Trapped.... Spiritless... On and on I could go. But now my biggest fear is starting to form... Jealousy. I have the most wonderful man in my life, that I can't wait to marry and be with forever. Everybody loves him, he's so sweet, kind, funny, all over amazing. I'm crying because I'm not used to such a perfect man.....and also because I'm insecure and becoming jealous. We both are independent people, who go to different shows with our big group of friends, no big deal. But that little seed an old friend put in my head months ago, is starting to sprout and I can't control it. She's a nice person, has zero interest, but.... I'm starting to dislike her simply due to the fact, she's with my man... And he didn't tell me he went out with friends. I'm nothing like my ex, i don't and will never demand "where are you going" and calling 100+ an hour, only to yell and belittle. A heads up would be nice, sure, but then I reflect "have I done this before to him? Gone out with friends and forget to tell him??" so I'm sure it's that stupid little things called jealousy forming.... Make it stop. I don't want to lose everything.

Well... Crap

I feel like everything was going great.. Until I was honest and shot myself in the foot....hopefully honest pays off, but knowing this world... It doesn't.

How do you ask to be included in a group outing thats near your home... But the group made plans with out you. They even have a Fucking name to their clique.... Should I not even try??

I've come to terms that I comment more on facebook groups about my city than friends posts. I don't have much to contribute, just seeking attention. It's wrong, I know. But I don't want to bother my friends. Does that finally make me "a jobless loser who trolls sites to argue with others"?? I don't mean to argue.. My opinion is just different than everyone else's. I feel like I'm a nuisance too on those pages. How does one give up social media?

My Face

I was told I have horrible body language. Yes, I slouch a bit when I'm sad or tired. I don't always smile because I haven't done that on my own in years. For my job yes, but there's only a few people in my life who have seen a genuine smile on my face. I was told I have a constant scowl on my face. That made me sad because.... That's my normal face. I developed a lazy eye as a child from an event that caused me to freeze for over 16 hours. I was told I'm "self doagnosing"..when I said to ask mom, it's true, it fell upon deaf ears and never brought up the rest of the day. So yes. I have resting bitch face. I can't change it.

Lost

I feel so lost in life. I love Disneyland, I love my boyfriend, I love my friends... But. I don't feel the love back. My mom hates that all I talk about is Disneyland and she loathes she has a pass. My boyfriend loves me but because I don't get along with my family, he feels different now. He's family oriented and I wish I could've ran away years ago from mine. Still do, and can't wait. I love my friends but I live so far away. I can't change that right now. I'm hardly invited out nor over to their houses. One friend complains constantly and I just want to slap her and shake her "wake up! You're invited to everything and everyone goes out of their way for you! " ..but you can't do that in society. I had a friend... But we couldn't be compatible anymore. I do miss the fun we had, though she'll never believe me. I was a bad friend at the end. I think that's why I've never had a friend that stuck around. I'm scared I'll lose what little friendships I have left. Am I becoming a nuisance to them? I'm trying to limit my online interaction, so I'm not constantly liking or commenting on their posts. I'd talk about my lack of employment and my desperate search for anything, but I was advised not to. Let's just say, it hasn't been easy, and I have been trying. Well, I know my life isn't so cheery right now, and "others have it worse" ...i know. But for me, the fact I reactivated my account at 3:15 in the morning, on the verge of tears because I have no one to talk to, or any place to vent... Says something. I lay awake, and sleep is beyond my grasp. I'd cry myself to sleep, but it's not happening.

sixpenceee

Don’t worry. There’s not a single person out there whose impossible to get over. No one has that much power over you unless you give it to them. It’s possible to love again with the same intensity & strength. Life moves on and so will you one day. Just give it some time and extra fudge s'more cookies. Trust me on this one.

izzyhill

camiekahle-deactivated20190815

THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN

macncheese-blog

I’VE BEEN TRYING TO FIND THIS FOR SEVEN YEARS

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO ?????

amethystthe-gem-deactivated2016

I’m fucking dying

pinkifingers

That last fatal scream tho

faleep

IT IS BACK ON MY DASH THIS POST NEVER DIES WHO EVER PUT THIS UP IS A GOD.

flawlessputaa-deactivated201610

THE TERROR IN HIS SCREAM OH GOSH

piss-pirate

chillyfeetsteak

i’m crying

wuffinarts

I was browsing the new ornaments that Disney Store unveiled this year, since every year or so they make ornaments based on random scenes from their films and