rachel han

42, deer park resident, journalist, certified hot mess. (rp blog)

[rachelxhanarchived]

BASICS

FULL NAME: Rachel Fenna Han

NICKNAME(S): Rach, Rachy-Roo 

D.O.B / AGE: October 23, 1982 / 42

RESIDENT IN BLUE HARBOR: Moved here in September 2021

GENDER: Cis-female 

PRONOUNS: she/her 

SEXUALITY: Bisexual 

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Biromantic 

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Divorced; Single 

HOMETOWN: Boston, MA 

OCCUPATION: Op-Ed Journalist of The Blue News

NEIGHBORHOOD: Deer Park 

PETS: dog- Dachsund; Walter (named after Walter Cronkite) 

PERSONALITY 

LIKES: books, coffee, travel, music, learning, family/friends, news, crocheting, eating food, volunteering (she volunteers at Bright Sparks), playing softball (she is in a community league)

DISLIKES: disappointing others, pretentious people, know-it-alls, cooking food 

POSITIVE TRAITS: smart, kind, gregarious, social, brave 

NEGATIVE TRAITS: selfless/self-sabotaging, quick temper, overthinker, martyr-complex

TW: infertility, depression, cancer

Rachel Hargrove was a city kid through and through. She was born and raised in Boston and was independent from an early age. Her parents were both world renowned surgeons working at Massachusetts General Hospital, first generation United States citizen on both sides. Her mother Dutch and her father Chinese. She did have a privileged lifestyle even if it could be a lonely childhood at times. She had her curiosity though, always asking questions that didn’t come with easy answers. A tradition she always loved was watching the nightly news. She wanted to know what was going on in the world. The love of informing others made her realize just how much she wanted to become a journalist. She wrote for her school newspapers, she got a job while she was still in high school for the town paper, she was committed to knowledge and spreading that to others. 

When it came to looking for colleges, her mother and father said they would spare no expense for her. And although she did love the schools in Boston, Rachel felt the need to go explore. So she applied to go to University of California-Berkeley for journalism. It was a dream school and she knew it could be a long shot, but she had good grades and an impressive amount of extracurriculars (newspaper, swim, volunteering, student government, etc.) She got in and moved out West, filled with a brand new excitement. She was in awe of the beauty California had to offer. She found herself becoming a more generous and open person too. Some of the walls she had put up were melting down. The want for knowledge was still there, but some of her competitive attitude made way for more vulnerability and empathy. The articles she wrote for the school went from being declarative pieces to op-eds that gained her employment in San Francisco.

She still found herself missing Boston a bit, the dream of working at the Boston Globe still in the back of her mind as she worked on fluff pieces at work. She at least had made friends though including her photographer that she worked with, Luke. She was 24 when she went to Luke’s birthday party and met Charlie. Rachel had never been one for dating in the past, but there was intriguing hard softness to the man that she fell for quickly. Their passion was overflowing and it made her realize just how much she saw a future that included him and a family with him and that dream became a reality when he asked her to marry him. A few years later, the second part of the dream came true when she got a call from a former college classmate that had been working at the Boston Globe for a few years said she would be perfect for the position opening up and had already recommended her for it.

Asking Charlie to move his life away from a place he had grown up and lived in all his life felt selfish, she tried convincing herself it was just for the job and telling him just how amazing the universities in Boston were as well. But, part of her knew that she also wanted to be closer to her family again, which looked more picture perfect than Charlie’s own family. When he agreed, she felt so grateful for his sacrifice. When they moved into their new home, they started trying for kids. It was amazing at first, the excitement of it all, until they both realized nothing was happening. It was time for a consultation. Rachel had endometriosis and the likelihood of her being able to not only become pregnant, but carry a child to full term was 0.1% She felt at fault, she wanted to give Charlie a family so badly, but she couldn’t and it made her feel like a disappointment as a wife. 

For a while after the news, she couldn’t tell if Charlie was upset with her or if she was putting this burden she felt on him. Rachel began working more, their routines conflicting, no more days of relaxing in bed all day or going on adventures to learn all they could, no more sitting in their favorite armchair together having silly arguments over specific books. Sometimes they wouldn’t even see each other unless it was bedtime. And when they did see each other their arguments were about not spending enough time together or small things that led to bigger things and she would feel as though she had taken Charlie’s life away from him and not been able to give him anything in return. The longer they stayed together, the more she hated herself for making him stay with her. She loved him so much, but what she couldn’t do was love herself. And instead of reaching out to him for help, she pushed him further and further away until she knew the right thing to do by loving him was to let him go. She asked for a divorce, and let him know he could have anything and everything, he deserved it for what she put him through. 

When all was said and done and Rachel moved out of their place to let him have it, the emptiness was all consuming. Her motivation to work and will to do much of anything was gone. It took her a few months to ask for help, but finally she started the process of finding a therapist, knowing it was time she needed to re-enter the real world. What she began to realize though as she found herself becoming more and more aware of how she was feeling was how much she still loved Charlie. He was everywhere she went, she began to realize she had made a colossal mistake. Instead of telling him she needed help, instead of fighting for them, she had failed him and herself. She had done wrong by him and she wanted to see if she could reconcile. But when she got to their old place, he was no longer there. So she called Luke, pleaded with him to tell her where Charlie had gone. He finally cracked. Blue Harbor. 

Rachel quit her job and told her therapist she was going to fight like hell for a second chance. She packed up her belongings, which had shrunk quite a bit after the divorce, and asked her mom for a ride to the airport. Her mom kept asking on the drive if she was sure this was a good idea and how risky it could be and asked what if he said no or what if he had moved on and she was stuck living in the same place as him. Rachel just simply said, “I can’t let that stop me from doing this, because he deserves to be swept off his feet.” She got on the plane and promised herself that once she got to Blue Harbor and settled into her house, the first thing she’d do is find Charlie.

When she did; everything had changed between them. The man she’d promised forever to had rightfully felt betrayed and there she was again upending a new life he had created for himself. He was trying to move on and even though Rachel felt as though he deserved to know what she was feeling it only confused things for Charlie even more. And as time went on she realized that letting him go was the best thing she could do to show him her love was still there. 

She really did intend to do her best at making a new life in Blue Harbor, but life certainly threw her another curve ball and she learned she had stage 2 ovarian cancer. Telling her loved ones was rather difficult. There were very good chances she could come through with the surgery, but she hadn’t realized just how scared she was until Charlie found out and quickly filled the role of her doting husband. With a successful surgery, she was in remission and all throughout her recovery he stuck by her side. 

Things started progressing quickly between them, it was difficult to not feel pressure like this was the final chance at it. Rachel wanted to make sure they did talk about their problems so they started couples therapy. She went from being a freelance journalist to writing the op-ed section at The Blue News. She and Charlie were trying to reverse back into dating but it was hard to do when it quickly just went back to feeling like they were married again. As time went on, she started to let go of some of that pressure, but it seemed like for him they’d rushed into things too quickly again. In the end there’d been too much trust broken and although she always will love him, he was asking for them to both move on. 

And that’s what Rachel is trying to do. The more time she spent in Blue Harbor, the more it started feeling like home. She has friends here now and things she enjoys doing, she has somehow become part of the community despite it all. This is her new home now and it’s a good life that she intends to live. It is filled with a sense of belonging that she is happy that she gets to live her next chapter of life here.

[murphbloomarchive]

Murph snorted at her cheesy joke, seeing it for what it was and appreciating it all the same. "Well, look at that, there they are. Always the last place you look." He shook his head sadly, holding the look for a beat before his lips turned up in a small smile. Maybe a rave wasn't so much his scene, but exchanging bad jokes at the edge of a party certainly was.

It was Rachel's offer that gave him pause. His immediate reaction was to turn her down, assume the offer was made as a nice gesture rather than a genuine suggestion. The next thought was that she was Ben's friend, not his. He and Ben had shared more than enough that drawing a firm line in the sand seemed the best way to go.

But if he was being honest? He could use a friend here. More than one, really. At best, he was floundering, filling his days with gutting the house he'd bought and watching YouTube videos like it might teach him how to put it all back together. If he could just put something back together...

"I'll take you up on that, actually," he said, surprising even himself. "A tour or just coffee or whatever. It's been a long time since I had that where-to-sit-in-the-school-cafeteria feeling, but it's kind of hard to make new friends in a new place when they're not built in coworkers or classmates."

[rachelxhanarchived]

Rachel couldn't help but snort a little at the lame joke in return. Murph was undoubtedly funny. He was glad that he didn't give her the same eye roll that his brother would have given her if she had said something similar to him. It was hard to know what her friend's brother thought of her. Or if she really had left an impression of any kind other than being one of his brother's friends. It wouldn't surprise her if that was the case. She'd always felt like Ben nearly acted like an only child, finding it more surprising when he'd mentioned him having a brother.

She had personally enjoyed the times she'd met Murph and found him to be rather fun, so it didn't feel like such a stretch to her to get to know him more. She had always figured that had Ben been closer to his brother she would have wanted to get to know him more. Rachel felt like it would have been weird, since they weren't very close and that there was a little bit of an odd history between Ben's wife who she also adored and Murph, if she had tried to be friends with Murph. But now that there was no Ben or his wife and honestly though they were still friendly they'd clearly taken her ex-husband, Ben's childhood friend's side, which she didn't blame them for it just all made sense that it didn't feel like there was a hurdle to being friends with Murph Bloom. The only hesitation she had was what Ben would think, would think that there was some motivation behind it?

Smiling brightly, being taken out of her thoughts when he finally said he would accept her offer. Rachel had realized she'd been thinking a little too ahead. The fact was that he could not be want to be friends with her and just was being polite in exchange. "A tour and coffee and I'll even throw in a coffee tour for no extra charge! I just happen to go to pretty much all the cafes and coffee shops in town." She smiled in understanding as her whole reason for being here had given her a scarlet letter of sorts and then it just was super awkward since she felt like she was unsure how to get past that impression. "Yeah, trust me I get it, when I first got here I felt like a stuck myself out like a sore thumb and then also was doing freelance work. But people around here are super friendly!"

[leonwozniak]

@rachelxhan where: rachel's house when: mid-november, 2024

it was the second time in such a short span that leon found himself knocking on rachel's cozy deer park home. this time, though, a nervous energy coursed through him. it wasn’t because of her, per se—more the fact that everything in his life had gone to shit (at least, in his own twisted opinion). rachel, by contrast, was a haven of peace: no stakes, no judgment, just her and that boundless positivity she carried so effortlessly.

he could have reached out to elijah, sure, but the man was likely busy with the kids, the wife, the picture-perfect life that leon could barely stomach thinking about right now. perfection wasn’t what he needed—not when his own world felt like a frayed tangle barely holding together. he craved simplicity, the kind of unspoken understanding that rachel always offered without making a show of it.

as he waited for her to answer, leon glanced down at his hands, realizing he’d been gripping the bags so tightly his knuckles had turned white. wincing, he loosened his hold, tempted to shove his hands in his pockets if they’d been free. as though that might somehow keep his nerves from spilling out. get it together, he reminded himself, taking a steadying breath. while he longed for the comfort of her warmth, he was determined not to let her see just how much he needed it. he wasn’t here to dump his mess at her feet—he was here to cook, to enjoy her company, and, if he played it right, to avoid giving her even a glimpse of the chaos currently swirling inside him.

when the door finally opened, leon forced a small smile, one he hoped looked more genuine than it felt. he raised the bags in his hands like a peace offering. “food is here,” he said, keeping his tone light and easy, as it should be.

[rachelxhanarchived]

She had to say she has had rather abysmal ends of her years before, and some certainly were far worse than the end of this year. However loneliness was feeling more and more like it was in the periphery of her daily life. It was hard when she felt like she was being avoided by one of her favorite people. And she still had no real idea why. Rachel was constantly denying the darkness attempting to consume her. And the person that helped like a soothing balm to her heart and soul was one Leon Wozniak.

It was hard for her to not be happy just talking with him about a myriad of things, anything and everything was on the table it felt like. Rachel would never push if he didn't want to share, but it was small details and opinions of things that made her feel like she knew him and he knew her. No subject was too weird. And she was just happy to listen because Leon could talk just as much as she could when he let his guard down. And she was very self-aware that she was a chatty person.

Rachel enjoyed having him over whether it was just to lounge on the couch, have a cup of coffee, or if he was bringing something over. She had stopped putting pressure on the situation awhile ago even though she had a feeling that Leon had no idea she'd been putting pressure on herself to begin with. To her, he was someone special and rare when he was just himself. And it was okay to her that the ache in her chest would potentially always be there any time she thought she could never have him. Because even if she didn't have him, she had him in her presence.

Walter pitter pattered against the tile of the front of the house behind her as she moved to the door and swung it open with a matching put on smile. Though seeing him did make her smile with ease. "I'm pretty sure no one has ever called themself that to me, but I mean I guess if you're into that..." She teased, trailing off before moving so he could enter. "My hero, thank you. I hope you know that this will probably be the best meal I'll have all week. What are you making, chef?"

[debonheurs]

the holidays would arrive before giselle was ready. the days often felt in their deepened rush, tripping over one another to see who could pass the fastest. hours all running out, and time refusing to slow down. well, at least so far as coming here for shopping therapy, giselle could be convinced ( with rachel's humour and help ) it was slowing down, even for a moment. "yes! pipe cleaners. i'd love to make lots of jumpers and scarves for my siblings, but i'm trying to start small. otherwise, i'm treading water and feeling frustrated and lost." it was neat to them that rachel was able to have the skills to make gifts like that. giselle themself had studied enough of the online videos, she was certain her mental catalogue had expanded out several tomes' worth of information. now, the retention of that information? another matter. but those were frivolous details she needn't bore anybody with.

"ooh, i didn't think of a coaster. and you could basically do like anything with that." she hated that when she thought of gifts, miles crossed her mind. surely if she went and made anything for him, he'd think it was ridiculous. scoff at her, as he usually did. she almost wanted to stomp her foot, but in the present time, that wouldn't make a lick of sense. at least now she could begin with the pipe cleaners, which she managed to wrangle and hunt down in the same aisle. she plucked black and pink out of their holders, noticing there was a deal. she always took advantage of those, and it often meant she would over-buy, but oh well. "is that what you're here for? the yarn for the sweaters and the hats and things? i can't believe christmas is up and around the corner. i've been wondering if i should go home for these holidays or ... well." they shrugged. "stick out another season in the harbor, as it were."

[rachelxhanarchived]

"Yeah, I definitely took it up a few years back and took learning it slowly. Now I wouldn't say I'm super confident and I have to follow like a pattern, where I know people that just freestyle it. I just make a list of the things I want to make project wise and then it's super easy to just like put on a show or something and get lost into it." Rachel offered, not wanting Giselle to feel overwhelmed by the thought of too many projects. She knew that some crafters did that by starting so many projects and then never actually finishing them.

Rachel smiled happily at her suggestion being seen as a potential option. "Exactly! Coasters are so fun!" Seeing them lost in thought, she wondered what exactly Giselle was thinking about at the moment. "Yeah, that's why I'm here! I don't really do much else as crafting goes." She shared with a small shrug, she had never tried anything else unless one could count Lego building as crafting. She was unsure if that counted though. Her patience could be used for some things, but other things got her extra frustrated. "Yeah, it's pretty much there for some if you talk to the Christmas before Thanksgiving crowd."

[murphbloomarchive]

"No shit? I thought you were the pink Power Ranger," he joked, scoring a hand through his hair before motioning to her outfit again. "No, really, you look great. Could have stepped right off the set." And he truly meant that. She was exactly the type Ben would have gone for— beautiful and funny— so it always shocked him that the two had never crossed that line. In an uncharacteristic punch of bitterness, he wondered if that was because Murph hadn't been interested in her first.

But that was a sour thing to linger in, so he beamed at her when she told him her birthday had just passed. "Oh, happy birthday! Welcome to forty-two, we've got creaky knees and gray hair." His smile held for a beat before it became work to hold it in place. He had a simple answer ready for her question, but it never got easier to answer if only because the real answer lingered just beneath. "I'm good, I'm good, yeah. Just moved here a couple weeks back, still trying to find my feet. But it's been good." How many times had he just said good? Jesus.

He tried to focus, instead, on their timeline, blowing out a heavy breath as he tried to count back. "I don't think I like this game. Let's just say it's been too long and leave it at that. How long have you been here in Blue Harbor?"

[rachelxhanarchived]

She let out a laugh, knowing he was just messing with her, which just made her want to crawl out of her skin a little more. But to be fair, she had no idea what his costume was exactly supposed to be. It did look quite nice though. "I definitely don't think I've ever considered being the pink Power Ranger...or any of the Power Rangers before." Though Rachel was a nerd she was not that kind of nerd. She was into fantasy and had become invested in superheroes and some other things when she'd gotten married. But she definitely did not keep up now. It did amuse her though that Murph was a Power Rangers guy. She did of course know that of the Power Rangers, the pink one was hot. Though she had a feeling that was not what Murph was insinuating. He was more than likely saying it since she was wearing so much pink. "But thank you, I definitely was excited for this one. You look great too." She knew she'd already said it, but it wasn't like she was wrong.

"Thanks! I definitely have been achy since I was like thirty-eight. The grays are definitely peeping through." They weren't visible at the moment since she had the cowboy hat, not that she thought Murph would be taking out a magnifying glass to inspect her grays. She nodded, listening to him as he definitely was overcompensating with the word good. She knew how that could be though, and she felt like pointing it out would probably make him want to close up more. Instead she looked down to his feet and then back up to him as she gestured to them, "Well, great news! I found them. So one less thing to look for." Rachel grinned, proud of her lame joke.

She chuckled as he exhaled at the effort of trying to remember their last encounter. "Hey, it looks just as bad for me! Deal, we can do that." Rachel gives a smile, feeling like for however long she'd been friends with Ben, she had a feeling Ben probably didn't speak about her life to his brother. There quite a few milestones they'd shared with Ben, and Ben had shared some milestones of Murph's with her, but was that reciprocated between Murph and Ben. Perhaps or perhaps not. "I've been here for three years now. So, I can definitely help play tour guide if you need that."

[thephoebeyates]

“A woman after my heart,” Phoebe responded with a laugh. The bookstore had been one of her safe haven’s for years now: the papery smell of books, the unspoken rule of patrons and staff alike speaking in hushed whispers. She hadn’t had the pleasure of working here in the summer yet, where the large windows at the front could open wide to let the sunlight in. However, the winter brought a certain level of comfort to it, like stepping foot in someone’s living space: welcoming and warm.

“Oh, not much to update you on really!” There had been some news, but the younger woman had always been slightly superstitious at the best of times. “But I’m heading to Chicago in a couple of weeks for this event thing, so it’ll be a great networking opportunity I’m sure. What about you? How’s the paper? Deb still keeping everyone on their toes?”

[rachelxhanarchived]

She smiled fondly at Phoebe, she appreciated the other woman for being cut from a similar cloth in that vain. Rachel could get lost in a book if she really was wanting to. Focused only on the words on a page and the story unfolding within it. She could spend a whole day and one of her favorite things was sharing that with her ex-husband. The thought came to her without warning and abruptly made her feel a tug of yearning for those days sitting intertwined and folded in with each other reading either one book or their own respective books. Safe and in a bubble, the colder months always brought the longing for that a tad more. Whether it was the passing of another year either with her birthday or the new year looming not too far ahead. Rachel tried to let the heaviness in her chest dissipate with smiling even more at Phoebe. "Anything you've read recently that you'd recommend?"

Rachel raised her brows as in one breath Phoebe was sharing that there wasn't much to update her on and in the next sharing that she was going to Chicago. "An event thing? Please elaborate more?" She didn't want to demand answers from her former colleague, but she was also very interested to hear about this networking opportunity. "The paper, well Deb definitely is deciding to be a true Scrooge. She wants us to stay open through the week of Christmas because clearly there's so much hard-hitting news for us to be covering." She rolled her eyes, knowing Phoebe knew far too well about Deb's antics. It was really like that job was the only thing the woman had.

[evigh3t]

“giselle?” their features bloomed in a smile. “yes — that’s her! i mean, i don’t know. we’re actually quite similar.” there were undoubtedly things that separated them, to the point that sometimes jasper wondered whether they were related at all. if it wasn’t for the same pitch of their nose, the same pointed features, he would assume one of them had been switched in the hospital ; but then there were the similarities that jerked them back to a shared childhood, an upbringing of two parts. sitting in coffee shops and sharing chocolate cake, visiting the west end and seeing as many shows as they could in a day. in his youth, jasper had ached for a birthday alone. now, they were glad for the company. “i think she might prefer a set of tarot cards or something. i know they’re into that kind of thing. i’m not sure what all of that means, but — ” their shoulders rolled and they felt the weight of the gift, turning it in their hands, fighting the urge to shake it beside their ear and guess the contents without having to tear the paper. he maintained restraint and slowly, piece by piece, unravelled the wrapping, eyes illuminating as the gifts made their way into his hands. “this is so lovely,” they spoke like they were breathless, “thank you. really. this is so thoughtful.”

[rachelxhanarchived]

Rachel didn't want to disagree considering, Jasper obviously knew their sister better than she did. But she felt like Giselle had been a little more extroverted than Jasper had. A little bit more rock n roll in a sense whereas Jasper was a gentle soul. But she still felt like they were wonderfully themselves and she appreciated that. She appreciated the fact that Giselle was into tarot card reading. Rachel had loved going to Salem as she'd gotten older and loved learning more about the craft. "I will definitely remember that, thank you for the hint! It's a very interesting form of future telling or even just analysis of a question you ask of it. I bet you there's some books on it you might like to learn from!" She shared with Jasper, happy to help explain it to them. Watching as they went through each part of the gift, she nodded happily at their thanks. "Of course! I'm glad I could get those things for you. You'll have to let me know how many of those trivia questions you already know!!"

[thephoebeyates]

— word on the street. ft. rachel han ( @rachelxhan ) 

It had taken a few months to get there, but Phoebe finally felt settled. It wasn’t exactly true contentment; the Foster-shaped hole in her heart would be the cause of that until it was fully mended, but apart from that, things seemed good. She had secured an agent, her manuscript was being taken seriously, and Word on the Street was the perfect slice of heaven she could escape into, especially as the weather got colder. The shop was cozy and inviting, unlike the cool, glass open space of The Blue News. No long hours, no fucking managers making her cry. I just want a nice, easy life. What's wrong with that?, she had thought the day she justified not accepting a cushy job at the paper in favor of a sales clerk job at the bookshop. But now, that easy life was finally, finally happening. T

hat said, she did miss seeing some of the staff she worked with now and again.  It was funny, as she thought that, Rachel stepped inside of the shop, and she grinned widely at her entrance. “Hey Rachel! Long time no see! What brings you to Word on the Street?”

[rachelxhanarchived]

Rachel had missed the ally she'd had in Phoebe at work, but she also just wanted the best for the younger woman. And she was glad that it felt like this was the next right step for her. She was super excited for all of the potential that Phoebe had to offer to the world and was just waiting for the moment that the world changed for the young woman. It was just about the timing of when it would happen now. And Rachel hadn't seen Phoebe in awhile so she thought she would visit her which never hurt that the former intern worked at a bookstore.

"Phoebe! Hey! I know, gosh far too long really. Well, I mostly came to see you and catch up and also because I am a woman who can never say no to a bookstore." She had always loved a spot that had various books whether the library, a book cafe, a book store, her own house. It was just always a safe space when one was surrounded by books, in her opinion. "Life been treating you well? I feel like I need all the updates!"

[tonibeltran]

[ OUTGOING SMS 📲 RACHEL HAN 🍊 ]

ANTONIO: If Joey goes home tonight, we're throwing a pity party. ANTONIO: Side note, is it pathetic for a forty-one-year-old man to be texting "JOEY" so much every week? ANTONIO: Maybe I need a life. @rachelxhan

[rachelxhanarchived]

RACHEL: Okay but he can DANCE he's got star quality who knew?! RACHEL: I feel like I want someone to see your phone and wonder what in the world is happening if they don't have the context. RACHEL: I still stand by the fact it's not fair that you get 10 votes like what if the people cast them before they see a really good dance at the end? RACHEL: you have a life what do you mean?!

[elijahfalvey]

“Hattie,” Elijah answers lamely, ignoring the pang that surges through his chest at the simplicity of his response — or, rather, the fact that it wouldn’t have been so simple only a mere few weeks ago. Back then, before their conversation at the karaoke bar, before he learned about Toni’s budding friendship with the woman before him, he would’ve gone into every last detail of their Halloween night thus far. How they chose the costumes, how Rhia nearly sobbed herself silly at the sight of his nearly bare face, how Hattie insisted on participating in the haunted house this year. Not to mention, how the older girl called him dad for the very first time, amidst the fog and adrenaline — something that he’s still trying to process, even as he stands here now. Something he would love to tell Rachel, if only they were on better terms. It’s ... undeniably sad, how quickly things changed, but he ...

Well, he’s stubborn. And even if he may not be upset with Rachel, per se, he does fully stand by how her choices make him feel. Even if he knows, deep down, that he needs to be more reasonable than this — call her on her fucking birthday, at least, for God’s sake — that train of thought doesn’t necessarily stop him from doing the unreasonable thing first. Hasn’t stopped him before, he thinks.

He’s become rather skilled at avoiding her gaze, just as he’s become skilled at avoiding her altogether. His eyes focus on the leaves easily crunchable beneath his feet and he sucks on his lower lip as she begins to speak, unsure of where to go from here.

On one hand, he can tell her — tell her about Amethyst’s end, about Toni, about how he’s learned to be so good at running by running from him first. She’s given him an excellent opening for it, after all. But on the other, he knows that he can’t. It would contextualize a lot of his behavior, sure, but there’s ... pieces of the story that he refuses to say, and he’s afraid that if he dives into his mind just a little bit that the journalist in her will ruthlessly rip out the rest. Easy in theory, solving this whole mess is, but damn near impossible in practice.

He sighs, as if that’s anywhere close to an answer. “I’m sorry,” he repeats, equally as lame as the last time he’s opened his mouth. “I just — I ...” The toe of his dress shoe scrapes against the ground, like he’s not quite aware of what to do with himself. “I haven’t really felt like talking. Just in general.” It’s half a lie, but half of the truth — the closest he can allow himself to get to the full spectrum of how he feels. “Been a weird couple of weeks.”

[rachelxhanarchived]

"Very sweet, who is Rhia then?" She wished to see pictures but considering the man was busy staring at the ground twiddling his cigarette, Rachel didn't know if asking for pictures would change the mood or just make it more apparent that he had placed a distance between them and she didn't know if that would be reparable or even if he wanted it to repair it. From the rather short answer and no wish to elaborate she didn't know what to do with that.

Having laid it out there as to what she felt, Rachel didn't know if that would create more need for him to be rid of her. She knew she would regret it if she said nothing. In her personal life, she had a hard time not expressing herself to the people she cared about most. Rachel did not have a poker face in the least and Elijah knew that. It was probably why rather than looking at her he was looking anywhere but her.

It was hard to figure out if she was creating this situation in her head and Elijah truly was just not wanting to talk and feeling weird or if this actually had to do with her. Rachel wanted to beg him to tell her what was going on, she wanted to kick and scream and shake his shoulders to ask him to please just talk to her. She hated the idea of actually doing that, cringing at the times she had been that type of person. Rachel didn't want to be that type of person or type of friend to Elijah. But she also couldn't deny the gut feeling that he was not entirely telling her everything.

His apology felt more like it was obligatory, she held her breath however as he started to stumble over his words about it just being weird weeks and not feeling like talking in general. It felt wrong to Rachel. It felt like there's more to the story than she'd been told, just as in her career when she felt like someone was hiding a part of a story during an interview. Would she try to do the same thing she did in those situations? Re-word the question and see if that would garner a different answer? "I'm sorry you've been feeling that way. Is there anything in particular that's been weird? To say I've been worried would be an understatement." She was genuinely sorry that he'd been a bad spot which did seem to be the case considering she was catching him smoking alone rather than with the kids and Nilay.

[elijahfalvey]

It’s not that Elijah’s particularly upset with Rachel. Not really. After all, he’s known her for years, and he’s known that she’s the exact kind of woman that anyone would be lucky to be friends with. She’s kind, personable, caring. He doesn’t have to think much to realize that it’s no wonder she’s landed on Toni’s radar. Fucking hell, he’d even go as far as admitting that it’s the same circumstance the other way around. Toni’s equally all three of those things. Or was, anyway — the Toni he knew, once upon a time. It’s a fair match, he concludes, but he supposes he’s still just — confused, more than anything. Less about the how, because that makes sense, but the why. Why Rachel wants to be friends with Toni, knowing Amethyst’s end, knowing that Elijah isn’t.

He doesn’t think about the possibility that she doesn’t know, doesn’t even allow himself to rationalize it in his head, because there, everyone knows.

Instead, his lips twitch into an uncomfortably forced smile. He thinks about the small talk, or rather how he can find his way out of it, and says, “I am. Uh — Morticia’s by the car with Wednesday.” A hand lazily points towards the direction of the parking lot before he takes a much needed drag, smoke curling in the air around him. He doesn’t wait too long before taking another one, though he nearly coughs at the tone of Rachel’s next words. “He’s not,” he denies, far too quickly, before he actually lets the breath out of his lungs and tries again. “I’m not.” His eyes find the ground while his fingers flick ash towards his feet, sheepishly. He is. It’s, unfortunately, blatantly obvious. “I’m sorry,” he settles on, “I should’ve called on your birthday.”

[rachelxhanarchived]

"Oh? Which of the kids is Wednesday?" Rachel asked, having not checked her social media to see if there had been a photo taken of the family. IF it were another time she might have asked to come over to their house to be the one to take photos or even just go together in some capacity or even agree to meet up at some point. This was very odd territory to feel like she was in. Was it something with Eli? Was it something with Nilay? Rachel didn't think she'd said or done anything to upset Nilay, but was Eli trying to save face or protect his girlfriend? She had a feeling it all surrounded the karaoke conversation, but she couldn't figure out the exact reasoning.

The way that he so immediately told her that he was not avoiding her made her wish that was true. She waited patiently for him to correct it, because it wasn't fair to try to act like he wasn't ignoring her. He very much was. Rachel had definitely felt hurt that he hadn't reach out on her birthday, she had definitely felt lonely and unacknowledged in a sense. It felt like the effort wasn't there even a little bit. It was nice to receive that apology. "Thank you, I guess again I'm just still confused. I mean you've been icing me out since before my birthday. You barely text me back, you never ask to hang out, you don't even let me know when we're going to be at the same things. It feels like something is wrong and it feels like somehow you're upset with me and I really would love to fix it, but you're a piece of IKEA furniture that I wasn't given the pamphlet for right now." She missed him a lot and loved him a lot and if he needed space from her for whatever reason, she wished that he would just tell her that. Anything felt better than feeling like she was being actively avoided. It stung on a whole different level. Especially when it was Elijah who she thought the world of. "I miss you a lot, Eli. And you know I love you and care about you so much. I want to know what to do."

[leonwozniak]

leon: thats a good way of seeing things

leon: wish ihad ur optimism

leon: alluring???????? 1. im not 2. first time anyone described me as alluring

leon: dats way 2 kind

[rachelxhanarchived]

RACHEL: lol i wouldn't say it's optimism, more like just letting fate take the wheel RACHEL: 1. you are 2. good so happy someone finally told you the truth RACHEL: not too kind just the right amount of kind

[clementinebriar]

Raising an eyebrow, Clementine shrugs. “Nah,” she assures Rachel when the other woman admits to maybe not being the type to be at a rave. “What do I know? You could very well be a wild child,” she smirks. It’s true enough, too — she only knows Rachel through her patronage at O’Shea’s, and not really from much else, and Clem’s learned that some people are simply different in a bar setting. Some are more, some are less — some are so fucking drunk they don’t know right from left.

Either way, she doesn’t trust what she learns at the bar, unless someone’s spilling their guts to her. And Claire hasn’t had occasion to do that yet. “I genuinely don’t know you well enough to clock what you’d be doing on Halloween,” she points out. “Take whatever my drunk ass says with a grain of salt, alright?” Another woman enters the bathroom, clearly looking about to burst. It grabs Clem’s attention for a second before she focuses back on Rachel. “Did you hand out candy this year, then? Brand candy or the lame knockoffs?”

[rachelxhanarchived]

"I kinda got that out of my system in college." Rachel shared honestly, feeling like her early years and her post-graduating years all were centered around her doing things other than partying. She still did enjoy attending parties, but raves felt like a different story. This was probably her last year of doing this. There were some things that definitely felt like they had an age limit on or perhaps she just felt like she should have a hard limit on this event. She was pretty sure she had not seen one person older than her there.

"For not knowing what I'm doing on Halloween, media literacy pamphlets feels like a very specific thing to think I'm handing out." She said with an amused laugh, feeling at least a little better and less offended knowing that she wasn't being judged. "I'm handing out and leaving a bowl out. Knockoffs? Never! I'm not doing full size, I don't have that kind of budget, but I got one big chocolate mix and one big fruity and sour mix of the fun sizes." Rachel was a big proponent on giving the children options to choose from. "And what about you? What has been your plan?"

[frankblackwood-deactivated20241]

A few years ago, Frank began incorporating artisan coffee into his daily routine. For years, black coffee had been his go-to beverage since he was a teenager, but it was his wife who introduced him to the world of fancy coffee when she received a cappuccino machine for her birthday. Since that time, he made a point to visit the popular café with its inviting atmosphere. One day, while perched at the counter, savoring his drink and reading the daily paper, he noticed Rachel and waved her over. “Hey Rachel, I just read your recent op-ed piece! It was incredible,” he said. Frank appreciated people who expressed their thoughts openly and honestly. (@rachelxhan)

[rachelxhanarchived]

Rachel often found herself trying to make coffee at home, but the treat of going to a cafe and just using the space to also write was something she had a hard time just giving up. She often ran into people she knew here as well, which also was nice since she got to catch up with people. Today it just so happened to be Frank, her softball teammate's husband. "Frank! Hey! Aw thanks that's so sweet of you. My pleasure to always share my thoughts." The last part was just a joke mostly. "How's my favorite snack husband doing?" Out of context and with different generation slang that would sound like a very different question, but she only meant that he was the best when it came to bringing snacks to the team for their spouse.

[murphbloomarchive]

Not for the first time, Murph looked around and wondered what the hell he was doing here. The music was loud and the lights were so bright and flashy and everyone was at least three hundred years younger than him. He was trying but at what point did that look like desperation? Was it dressed as Jay Gatsby at forty-two years old in the middle of a rave sipping a cocktail and tapping his foot to the beat of a song he'd never heard before?

Sounded about right, yeah.

It was only the sound of his name— pitched high with a clear inflection that whoever it was that had recognized him had not expected to see him— which had his head snapping to the side, thoughts shaken free and scattered to the beat of the music. Rachel Han was probably one of the last people he expected to see. Though, it seemed Blue Harbor was just a small collection of ghosts from his past, anyway, so why not toss in another, slightly adjacent one? "Rachel?" he echoed, coughing out a disbelieving laugh. Beneath the flashing lights, he took in her costume before moving back to her face. He wondered if he'd ever heard Ben talk about Blue Harbor, if somehow this had all been orchestrated like some kind of plot right out of The Truman Show. Or if that was just the paranoia talking.

"Wow." He stuttered out another laugh, kind of hating this main line that had just opened between Murph and his brother. "How have you been? You look great."

[rachelxhanarchived]

She gave him a smile, seeing just how surprised he was to see her there meant that he probably had not spoken to Ben. Or maybe he had and just not spoken about her, which was totally fair and filled her with relief. Though she did not mean to make him cough. Rachel let out an apologetic laugh of her own and nodded in confirmation that it was indeed her. Though it was obvious that Murph could see that it was her. It had been quite some time since she had seen Murph, she had no idea how long it had really been. She tried to do the math, tried to figure out when the last time she'd have been at a family gathering of Ben's that he would have also been at.

Did Murph's brother even know that he was now in Blue Harbor? A large string of questions ran through her mind as she felt like none of them were good first questions to ask. So she was relieved when Murph spoke in disbelief first. "Oh thanks...I'm a Barbie." Rachel cringed internally immediately at her explaining her costume. "You look great too!" It was obvious that he always looked great, the Bloom brothers were both very handsome. The genes in that family were impeccable. "I've been doing pretty well, just celebrated my 42nd birthday, are you...how are you?!" She almost wanted to ask was he living here now, but decided to just ask the same question in return. "Gosh, it's been how long? I was just trying to figure it out and can't remember if it was after I moved to Boston or before I moved to Boston the last time we saw each other."

[saulweissberg]

“hmm, maybe you have a point there.” though, if he was going to be honest, saul had sent plenty of intimate pictures in the last twenty-something years. these days, they were reserved for dilara, but he figured rachel wouldn’t want to know about that. despite their friendship, which he held dear to him, he didn’t divulge much about his current relationships, hookups, whatever he wanted to classify them as—he kept his anecdotes to his past relationships. perhaps out of privacy, perhaps out of respect for rachel and… whatever it was between them. he was fine to talk about his ex-wives and his many failures in each relationship, but when it came to mentioning how he had a loose arrangement with dilara, and had spent most of the summer hooking up with leon (before he ghosted him), saul kept quiet. “thank you. i kind of picked them on a whim, since it was so short notice, but i know they need the money.” he had been raised to be generous with his money, but bright sparks’ cause was especially important to him as a proudly bisexual man. saul laughed when she said he didn’t need to make a case, “rach, i’m a lawyer. i always have to make a case.” it came naturally to him and every other attorney he ever met. “i’m so glad you’ll come with me!” he said with genuine gratitude. it wouldn’t be an embarrassment to attend his own luncheon without a date, but it would certainly feel strange. “i probably won’t be able to pick you up, though, like a proper gentleman. i’ll have to head to the venue early to help set up and make sure all the ducks are in a row. you won’t hate me for that, right?”

[rachelxhanarchived]

Rachel knew he was just being honest about his choosing of charities, but she at least felt like even so it was a good last minute decision and who knew, maybe it would create a partnership for future opportunities. "Yeah, I mean definitely think that it would be great to get some resources and create occasions for some outings for the community!" She shared, always having wanted to do more with the kids, they'd done stuff at the pool over the summer that was awesome and so who knows with more funding what chances they had to do more. "I know you think you do, but not for this! Of course I'll come with you!" If Rachel could have reached through the fence; she would have squeezed his hand for reassurance but she just gave him a smile. She didn't mind at all that he would need to be there early or that she'd have to show up on her own. It wasn't a huge deal to her and she wasn't worried about the appearances of it all. Rachel highly doubted that people would be dissecting her being Saul's date to begin with. "Hate my potential future second husband?! Never!" She gave him a small wink, but she was appreciative of the warning just so she knew what to expect. "I don't mind though, I promise. Just let me know when I need to be there and where you need me. I'll even give you options on what you think I should wear!" Rachel didn't often go to luncheons and some advice on what to wear would actually be very much encouraged and wanted from Saul who she had a feeling was an expert at charity luncheons.

[evigh3t]

slowly, the recognition sparked in jasper’s eyes. they reached out their hands and took the little bag, setting it gently on the counter, staring at it as though it was some sort of stolen artefact from a lost and forgotten tomb, a relic they shouldn’t have been handling without museum-issue latex gloves. “for me?” they asked, as though it hadn’t been obvious. “well, yes, it’s my birthday, but i—you see, i’m a twin.” jasper braced with a deep breath and glanced to meet their gazes, for just a moment, before snapping his focus back away, “i’m so used to having to share.” but on the tag it had his name — jasper — nobody else’s. as much as he adored giselle, and relished in the redirected attention when friends and family erupted into song, it felt special to have a gift that was entirely their own. he stayed posted like a soldier behind the counter. “is it okay if i open it?”

[rachelxhanarchived]

She watched them, wondering what exactly they were thinking. Rachel recognized what she had a feeling was surprise or shock, but wasn't totally sure yet what Jasper was thinking. "Yeah! For you!" She encouraged, waiting as they seemed to struggle a bit with their words. Or perhaps it was just that she'd caught them too much by surprise? Rachel did indeed know that they were a twin as she had actually ironically ran into their twin at the same exact grocery store. "Well you don't have to share if you don't want to! I mean it's up to you really if you want to! But I'm guessing Giselle would like something a bit different?" She wasn't sure if Jasper knew that she knew their twin or not, but although the crocheted clothing and the hot chocolate could fit for Giselle, she didn't think that the trivia questions were really something they had in common. Rachel wasn't in the mindset that just because one was twin meant they should get either the same thing or make them share. Especially not when the twins were adults. "Of course you can open it if you want!" She didn't want them to feel on the spot as to having a certain reaction, though she did love seeing people's reactions, she understood the other side of the coin of feeling like one had to perform a certain way and didn't want Jasper to feel like that.