Dreamer

 // rachel // 17 // amateur poet //

[rachmasonn-blog]

Kiss me on the mouth. Tell me you love me. Tell me anything to make me believe that this is actually happening because if I let you go I am afraid you might disappear forever. I’m dreaming. I must be. There’s no way you could love me. At least, not like how I love you. Not like the up all night thinking about you, closing my eyes and dreaming about you, waking up and only thinking of you kind of love. Who could ever love me like that? Your name lights up my phone and I am warm. You still give me butterflies even after all this time. You must be the devil in disguise. Darling, you are my worst nightmare. The truth is, you scare me. Excite me, surprise me, and make me want to believe that you and I could be something more than anything I’ve ever been before. And I just can’t stop, you’re like a drug I can’t get out of my system. I’m a radio on repeat and the only music I sing is “I miss him.” It’s ruining me, don’t you see? Everything you do to me is like magic but it burns and I know you aren’t concerned but it’s tearing me apart through my skin and to my heart. Maybe now you’ll understand that this isn’t going how I planned. I could never run out of ways to tell you I love you, but even if you could think of one just to say it back, would you?

R.M. // Ways To Say I Love You 

[rachmasonn-blog]

Do you remember the way we used to dance? Not with bodies or our hands With our words, you always lead. But you got bored of me too fast I should’ve known we wouldn’t last And then I was alone. That really should have been it But I let you back in You are dangerous. You’re gone again And this is where it should end But I would take you back if you asked. And that just scares me because I would fall back in your arms Even though you aren’t any good for me. Maybe someday I’ll learn I deserve more than to be burned By the fire in my own damn heart. For now I’ll just admit That I’m getting sick of it And there’s nothing I can do But let myself love you.

R.M. // Do You Remember?

[rachmasonn-blog]

Sometimes, a tunnel is just a tunnel, no matter what you do to it. But sometimes, a tunnel is everything but a tunnel. Sometimes a tunnel is a rainbow. It is red, like the fierce love we have felt for one another. Red like the blood of family, whose bond is stronger than any. It is red like her lipstick when you kiss for the first time and the beat of your heart is like nothing you've ever experienced before. Red is the passion we feel and the force that gives us reason to be. It is orange like the excitement of adventure and trying something new. Orange like the optimism we aim for to push us through moments of difficulty and challenge. It is orange like his jacket when he takes you on a hike and you aren't afraid to get lost anymore. Orange is the curiosity that forces us to find more when we start to think we know everything. It is yellow like the happiness we feel when we achieve something great. Yellow like sun that lights up our lives, like how we feel when we've had the best day ever. It is yellow like the sun that rises above us after even the darkest of nights. Yellow is the light we see that keeps us pushing forward when it almost doesn't feel like it's worth it. It is green like the planet we live upon and the world we live in. Green like the place that has been given to us and other creatures to take advantage of. Green like the nature that we see when we walk outside and appreciate what is around us. Green is home, the place we go to when we need somewhere to belong. It is blue like the sadness we have felt. Blue like his eyes when he tells you he can't do this anymore and he is leaving you. Blue like the sky that seems so big and makes you feel so small. Blue teaches us that there is pain in the world and that we must persevere and overcome it so that we can learn from it. It is violet like the mystery that surrounds us because there is so much unknown. Violet like the depth in the midnight sky we stare at when we cannot sleep because we wonder what will come next. Violet like her dress when she whispers in your ear and all you can think of is her name. Violet is all of the things we haven't seen that make us curious to find out what more exists. Sometimes a tunnel is all of this and more. It is meaningful and necessary; it keeps us from living in a world of black and white, of normalcy, and of boredom. That is why I choose to live each day, and it is how I choose to look at the world when it would be so easy to think of it as one-dimensional and simple.

R.M. // Inspired by a Photograph 

[rachmasonn-blog]

Ask me how I've been doing. Ask me how I'm handling the fact that you left me when I was broken and weak and I needed you the most. Ask me if I could handle the torture that you put me through when I was drowning and you refused to pull me up for air. I am doing fine. I was ruined because you left me when I was broken and weak and I needed you the most. I did handle the torture that you put me through when I was drowning and you refused to pull me up for air because I pulled myself up god damn it, and I do not need you anymore. I am strong now and if there is one thing you ever did for me, it is that you forced me to learn how to be there for myself, and that is more than I knew before you shut me out. So maybe you really are wondering how I've been doing, and if you are, I am doing fine. I have grown. I have learned. I am my own support now, and that is fine by me, because I sure as hell will never give up on myself like you did. I'm fine. I'm fine.

R.M. // Ask Me

[rachmasonn-blog]

To be forgotten is my worst nightmare and I am living it. I would never forget you, and yet you wouldn’t even take the time to look at me, let alone say a few words or, God forbid, have a conversation with me. You think I am pushing you away, but you shoved me out of your life long before I built these walls. You were my person, my support, the one that I could trust to be there for me any time I needed. You forgot me. So this isn’t about you now. This is about me recovering from the damage you did.  It’s about me finding a way to survive, because you clearly aren’t my reason to be happy anymore. How does it feel to be forgotten?

R.M. // Forgotten

[rachmasonn-blog]

Lie to me Say that I mean something to you Tell me you love me like I want you to Lie to me Promise you’ll never hurt me again And you don’t like her as more than a friend Lie to me Make me feel like I’m worth something more Than a girl with a temper whose heart is still sore Lie to me Because I’m broken and I need to be fixed But as much as you try I break all too quick Lie to me The way that I would lie to you If you were like me and you asked me to.

R.M. // Lie To Me 

[rachmasonn-blog]

The fear of failing halts my drive to achieve, even though I’ve been told I could touch the sky if I wanted to. I have been afraid of failure since I was eight and answered wrong to a question in class. The fear of losing you keeps me awake every night, even though I have already lost you. I have been afraid of people leaving me since I was twelve and the man and woman I thought would be in love forever separated. The fear of being judged lowers my self confidence, even though I know people like me. I have been afraid of people hating me since I was fourteen and people spread rumours about me. The fear of lies stops me from trusting people, even though not everybody is like them. I have been afraid of liars since I was sixteen and discovered that my first boyfriend told everybody that he had put his fingers inside of me. The fear of distance keeps me from letting people in, even though I know that no amount of kilometres will keep us apart. I have been afraid of distance since I turned seventeen and realized that I was going to leave this place someday. The fear of death ruins my love for live, even though everyone dies eventually. I have been afraid of death since three weeks ago when I realized I will never see the dead again. The fear of everything keeps me doing nothing, for nothing is safe and everything is dangerous. These are my demons and they run through my mind every second of every day. They are monsters twice my size and they do not want me to escape them. I am trapped in here forever and they only seem to grow. It doesn’t really matter that all I want is to go home.

R.M. // Demons

[rachmasonn-blog]

I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing now. I don’t know if the thought of me keeps you awake at night like the thought of you does to me. I don’t know why I pushed you away instead of telling you that I love you and I didn’t mean it when I told you to leave. I don’t know how to tell you when you won’t even look at me when I’m around. I don’t know why I’m still hurting but you’ve moved on with your life like I was never in it. I don’t know why I blame you for what I did to myself. What I do know is that I don’t know how to be something you miss, and that fucking kills me.

R.M. // I Don’t Know

[rachmasonn-blog]

I thought it was fate that we knew each other and I thought we were happy until I realized I wasn’t. All that’s left to say now is sorry. Sorry for giving you everything and expecting you to do the same for me. I guess I expected too much from you. Sorry for being a jealous person and wanting you to care more about me than her because that was how I felt about you. I guess not everyone is going to love me back. Sorry I’m so upset that you’re gone even though it was my choice, I guess I didn’t expect you to let me go so easily. Why didn’t you tell me that you wouldn’t be mine forever? Why didn’t you warn me that you weren’t just going to break my heart, you were going to rip it out of my chest and throw it as hard as you could against a wall? Why didn’t you tell me that you were a waste of time and that I am a waste of space before it was too late? Because now I am alone, and I am sorry that I made you go.

R.M. // Sorry

[rachmasonn-blog]

I have had an epiphany. For so long I have wondered why I care so much for others, but others care so little for me. It is my fault. That is what I told myself for years after you broke me, and left me, and replaced me Because I was not as important to you as she was. But maybe it isn’t me - maybe it’s you. Maybe I deserve better, but I choose worse I am worth more than a text message of “I’m sorry”, I am worth more than a second choice, and I am worth more than something that you use when you need me and throw me away like nothing afterwards. I love the loveless. I love those who take and take and take but cannot give. I love those who need someone to care for them but can’t be bothered to care for others. I love those who talk but do not act, who will repeat themselves over and over and over and will never change. I guess it is my fault, because I chose to love you. I chose to waste my time on you because I thought that maybe you might want to waste your time on me, too, and I guess it’s my fault that I was wrong, because you are loveless.

R.M. // Loveless

[rachmasonn-blog]

I do not regret the words I said when I was weak Asshole, you left me, I have always been second to you I hate you, I need to move on with my life, please don’t hurt me anymore What I regret is that you never let me finish saying what I needed to say I want you to love me as much as I love you I need you to see through my lies and hold me like you used to You were supposed to say that I am wrong That you don’t want to let me go because you do love me And you never meant to hurt me I would say that I miss you all the time Even when you are with me And you would say that you miss me, too That you would be around more Not because I begged you But because you wanted to I wanted to tell you that I’m not really angry Just sad Because I need you And you do not need me anymore You were supposed to be as broken as I was You weren’t supposed to move on so fast You didn’t let me finish and now I am the one who is hurting But you don’t know that Because I never told you I never will That is what I regret the most

R.M. // Regret

[rachmasonn-blog]

You act like you care Because you have to Are you okay? It is an obligatory question It doesn’t really matter to you Nothing really matters to you At least not where I am concerned But don’t worry I am not asking you to care Not anymore Not after this Pretend I don’t exist Because that is how you make me feel Like I don’t exist Because everything else is more important Not my problems But each other Not my pain But each other’s If I died You might not notice Because you are too wrapped up In each other And I am nothing And I understand Because I felt that way once About you I still feel that way about you But sometimes, the people you can’t live without Can live without you That is life And life Goes on

R.M. // Don’t Worry

[rachmasonn-blog]

What a beautiful thing it is to have loved To have cared so deeply that it breaks you And you don’t really mind Because you have loved, you do love, you will love It is perfect, a flawless kind of feeling First touch, first kiss, first time And you feel like it is invincible The way you feel You put everything into him, Your heart, your soul, your trust And he breaks it Like glass it shatters You will never find all the pieces And you aren’t even mad Because it is a beautiful thing to have loved

R.M. // To Have Loved

[rachmasonn-blog]

it’s the moment you realize you’re falling and you try not to because you don’t want to but your heart flutters anyways it’s the time leading up to it the flirtatious words, the casual touches that make you realize he’s all you want it’s the feeling when you touch for the first time lips touch lips, hands touch waists and your breath mingles it’s the way he holds you like if he lets go of you you will disappear and you are his world it’s the realization that he loves you and you love him and nothing can ever change that not even distance not even time not even the end of the world that is what keeps you hanging on to him and to love the hope for eternity

R.M. // Eternity

[rachmasonn-blog]

Illness that controls me, takes what it wants, bends me to its will And then leaves me For a while Until it comes back, glaring, sinister, ready to attack in the bestial way that it does It’s appalling, the way that it is so incongruous, my reality and everyone else’s But still I am forced to assume, believe what it tells me There is no way to kill it. So I wear it like an emblem, a sign that I am broken Weak, undesirable, pathetic Appraise me, what am I worth? Too ugly, too dumb, too loud, too sad, Grotesque in a way that makes me sick to my stomach Thoughts morbid, emotions wild, always worrying, worrying, W O R R Y I N G. It’s exhausting, having a mind that never shuts up I used to go on with such vivacity But now I get tired, so tired And life goes on A perpetual existence that I cannot escape or ignore So I continue and I am solemn, slow paced, wincing away from opportunity, happiness, security. The serene reality that I so desire is taken away from me regardless And I am alone. Anxiety, It keeps me secluded, an obscure image that nobody is concerned with, A dismal end, but not to worry, Because I am okay. I put on a smile and fake a laugh and I pretend That nothing is wrong And it works Until illness once again controls me Takes what it wants Bends me to its will And then leaves me.

R.M. // Anxiety