Learning Curve

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

weekend trends

is it wrong to be upset with my partner for napping the day away? we didn’t get out of bed till noon and she fell back asleep at 3:15. it is currently 4:35 and i’m sure she’ll sleep till at least 5:15. it’s a waste of the day i think. especially because if i was to walk the dog without her she would get upset.

i think i’m mildly over reacting because i got into a fight with Chris on NYE and we haven’t spoken since. Cara was basically my buffer between him and i and now she’s sleeping and he’s the only other person home. i’m dreading having to talk to him. he doesn’t even know why i’m upset with him- wait- he doesn’t even know that i’m upset with him. he thinks i’m just in a “mood’ when the reason i’m in a “mood” is him.

basically on NYE Cara’s brother & bff came over to our party. i wanted to impress them, i wanted to show them that i’m a good person and that Cara and i are good for each other. now i know that Chris is his own person, but when your so called bff does something dumb, it’s gotta be a reflection of you, right? like why would i choose to have this dumb person in my life, especially as my bff. he just got drunk, again, and then started calling EVERYONE by the name of the girl he’s in love with that is veryveryvery not in love with him. so here i am, trying to make a good impression on Cara’s people, and here’s drunken sloppy Chris. oh also let’s remember that we’re at our house... the house that he and i share, at the party he and i are hosting together. so we have a house full of 15+ people, and he’s unable to host with me because he’s too drunk.

so we’re in the kitchen and he’s making yet another drink- so i ask him if he’s had any water, which turns into the “i can take care of myself i don’t need you” talk. one thing led to another and i explained how he’s a reflection of me, and he basically said then well maybe you are choosing the wrong people to be your friend (aka him). and i agreed with him. i was talking to Lacey the other day and asked her if Chris has mentioned me to her, and she said that Chris asked if i was upset w Lacey because he noticed something was off with me and that he wanted to give me space to figure out what was going on in my world. Lacey told me this and i couldn’t believe it. he doesn’t remember our argument, which in itself speaks so loudly. i was upset with him for being drunk and sloppy and he doesn’t even remember it. and we haven’t talked since- almost a week ago.

so maybe i’m just frustrated that Cara went to nap instead of spending time with me. also she has work to do and she’s procrastinating it by napping. i know i’m not one to talk when it comes to procrastinating work, but she knows she has a lot to do and i feel like i’m kinda enabling her to not do it.

we’ve been in a great place- things are exactly how i’ve always wanted them to be. this is the best relationship i’ve ever had. granted it’s only been a little over 3 months... but she gives me everything i could have ever dreamed of needing out of a partner. it’s amazing. it’s a lot of pressure, but it’s amazing.

i’m still upset that i’m spending my Saturday on the couch when we could have taken Willy out for a walk. i think the excess snow has something to do with my feeling stuck, too. i’m just not sure where i am mentally and i know when Cara wakes up she’s gonna want to check in so i have to come up with something. something that isn’t i’m pissed you took a nap when we could’ve been outside. 

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

the talk

so i’ve been waiting to talk to Lacey about Cara and it finally happened.

i went to give Lacey back the ring she bough me and told her to return it. she said the return policy was only 90 days so i was shit out of luck. this turned into her pointing out the ring i’m wearing that belongs to Cara, which lead to Lacey asking me if i’m planning on moving in with her. of course i said yes because that’s what Cara and i want- this became the catalyst to the possible end of mine & Lacey’s friendship.

she asked me if i was making the correct choice moving in with Cara because it’s all i’ve ever done, move in with partners. so i tell her that i feel like i’m finally in a place where i am aware of myself and i know what i want and that what i want is to be with Cara for the rest of my life. it was quite a liberating feeling actually. she proceeded to tell me that i’ve said all this before and it’s nothing new to her. i told her that i’m really at a place where i want to be and that i’m going to marry Cara. this is it for me. Cara is it for me.

this then turned into me and Lacey deciding if there are even reasons we should be friends. do we have common values? can she accept me and Cara together? is there any wanting to rebuild the trust between us? it seems that neither Lacey nor i want to... i’m not sure she can truly accept that Cara and i are each other’s forevers. i also told Lacey that i would choose Cara over her. that was an intense moment.

okay side note- Cara got home from work and had an anxiety attack. she took some meds and went to bed. i wonder if this conversation has something to do with Cara’s anxiety.

i need to think about if i want Lacey in my life at all. but really it’s on her right now. is she able to be at peace with Cara and i? is that something she’s even interested in paying attention to? i’m honestly not sure. and like i said, i feel so liberated that i am aware enough to know that i want to be with Cara and that i’m allowed (as a person) to choose to not have someone, Lacey, in my life.

wow. this adulting thing can be fun sometimes.

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

not sure

there’s so much going on it’s hard to keep track. Lacey made a new friend and idk if they’re sleeping together or not? why does it matter to me if they’re sleeping together or not. i think i’m worried that she’s using this girl to get over me..? is that it? i have so many different thoughts on this going on in my head.

it hasn’t really been bothering me- i know Cara wants me to pay attention to where Lacey is/should belong in my life and i think i’m doing a pretty good job at figuring it out. Lacey and i don’t have a lot in common, we never really did. she does so many things that annoy me. honestly if we didn’t live together we probably wouldn’t even hang out.

i’m just genuinely a nosey person i guess. i would want to know if Lacey was sleeping with someone regardless of our past. i’m concerned that she’s not okay. but if she’s annoying and gets under my skin, why would it matter if she’s okay or not. this is what Cara wants me to pay attention to. i’m trying but honestly i don’t really care. i know that whatever connection between Lacey & i exists will fade and it won’t matter.

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

the whole house

it’s exhausting living with other people. especially other people who don’t have the same values and/or standard levels of expectation. i think i have a lot more empathy for my parents now because of the perspective i’ve gained living with 3 other people.

i don’t see Luke that much, they’re often in their room or at work. i really haven’t seen Lacey that much either, i’ve been staying out late either with Cara or working or with other friends, and she goes to bed early. so most of the time spent in my house is either alone or with Chris. 

most of it is spent with Chris here. i knew what i was getting into when it came to living with him. i just need to adjust my standards of what i think he should be. i know that sounds terrible because why can’t i just accept him as he is?

i’m also glad that i don’t have accountability to Lacey anymore. i don’t have to settle for who she is. she and Cara had an interesting interaction last night. it was quick, but it seemed genuine and not defensive. 

Cara seriously makes me a better person. today i asked her how i got so lucky and she said “you grew up”. she’s right- i did. i’ve put a lot of work into where i am today. she helps me see it and doesn’t make me feel bad that it took me the time that it did to get to where i am. i feel very supported by her. i go out of my way to support her and to be what she needs. the partnership is so genuine, so tangible. you can feel our connection, it’s just so natural.

so wait. the house. i’m going to see if anyone else takes out the recycling. i asked Chris to bring in the garbage... and he didn’t. but it’s ok it’s only the first time. lowering expectations is hard but i’m going to try my best to work on it.

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

big moves

last night Cara asked her sister if it was okay if we got married. she then asked her sister, Jenna, if she’d be her maid of honor- to which Jenna basically cried and said she supports us and will absolutely be Cara’s maid of honor. i’ve actually known Jenna longer than i’ve known Cara, so hearing that Jenna supports us is something i needed, i needed her approval.

so yeah- this is really happening. we are running to where we both know we belong, to a life together. i can’t read that sentence without smiling from ear to ear. this is it. i’m so ready for this.

funny enough Cara and i aren’t “official” yet. we talked about making things official last night and we decided we still need more time. people don’t know that Lacey & i broke up. Cara told one of her friends the other day that she and i were seeing each other, and her friend’s response was “wait aren’t they still with Lacey?”. so clearly we need more time before making it official. i archived all the pics of Lacey & i on my insta, changed the caption of the pics of us on my fbook, and tweeted clear as day that we broke up. alright social media, do your job and make it apparent that Lacey and i are no longer together.

i know in my heart and in my bones that this is real. i know it so deeply. i know that she is the one for me. now i just have to wait until i get to tell the world.

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

intention

i’ve definitely been more purposeful this past month. staying present as best as i can. Cara helps me with that.

we an interaction today that wasn’t good. i felt so disconnected from her for the first time since we’ve kissed. i felt hollow and i panicked. it was a situation that happened between Lacey and i that it triggered me and Cara’s morning.

i’m trying my best to be as mindful as i can on so many levels. i’ve been actively asking myself the questions i’ve written.. i’m working on myself that’s for sure. it’s just an added bonus that i can be with Cara at the same time. i think i’m at a place where i can start to do more. i’m comfortable. i haven’t felt like this in a while so that’s nice. 

intentionally trying every day to be a better version of who i was the day before, because that is how i’m going to grow. it’s time to grow.

[dogalyst-deactivated20220226]

idk i really like being called cute but i also really like hearing that you masturbate to the thought of me idk

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

time to move out of the honeymoon phase

i want to move out of the honeymoon phase w Cara so i can see if this is actually going to work. i know in my heart it will, but i need proof. i need to exist in it and feel it so i can actually trust that it’s real and that it’s going to continue to be this good. i have to trust that we are going to be able to sustain our happiness.

i feel like i want to move but i’m also not in a rush. trust is built over time, but we already have such a strong foundation... it’ll be nice to fall asleep together tomorrow. weekends bring me nights with her.

we both have these one day images, what it looks like- we’re both head over heals in love with one another and it’s definitely intense. one of my friends is going through a break up w someone they thought they were going to spend their life with, and it took off running and came to a screeching halt. i’m scared. 

i’m scared that i’m going to fuck up, that i’m not going to be enough. that she’s going to fall out of love with me. that something is going to change in her and one day she’s not going to want to be with me anymore. that one day i’m not going to want to be with her anymore. that something is going to happen and one or both of us are going to end up broken hearted.

this is another place where that trust has to come into play. i’ve been hurt so many times- why is trusting Cara any different than trusting Andrea? Or any of my other serious ex’s? self-reflection is so important but can lead you to a place of deep unknown.

what makes it okay to trust both Cara and myself that this is real?

tell me why i just spent a good 20 minutes looking through my old livejournal. maybe i was looking for some clarity? or i just didn’t want to think anymore about my current life.

i wish i was tired. i want to be sleepy. i have work i need to do tomorrow so i need to be in the office at least by 10:30.

continuing to think on all of my questions and how i can answer them.

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

beating the system

today my boss told me that i couldn’t apply for the management position that is about to open up in my department if i want to keep my store. i can’t be a DM and a GM at the same time. even though I have the skill set to make it happen

currently in the process of writing an email to another manager and trying to figure out what i should say. i know that i need to know what i’m talking about, which i do- but i still need to approach with cation.

i’m upset that i can’t keep my store and also manage the other two but i understand why they wan someone unattached. although the past few months have been pretty alright.

gotta figure out how i’m going to end this email. i already proved my point and then added a personal touch, just gotta come up with the hook/sinker.

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

more and more thought

i’ve become more purposeful in my thinking. i’m considering multiple outcomes before speaking. things Cara helps me do- be more purposeful.

had a talk with one of my co-workers today about Cara & Lacey. much needed perspective was provided, and it felt nice to tell the whole story and not be judged. i feel like people are going to judge the love that Cara and I share. it’s not fair because they don’t know us, they don’t know who we are. but the love we share is real, and is no less powerful than anyone else’s.

when i’m with Cara my life feels complete. i feel like i could listen to her talk forever and never get tired. while talking to me today she was holding my hand, and she moved it closer to her mouth. she started kissing my arm and nibbling on my hand while talking to me. it was so comforting, so connective. she was doing it mindlessly, which made it even more endearing. she wanted to be close to me, she wanted to connect with me- and she sure did. i just fall more in love with her every time we are together. her actions, her words, her thoughts...

i need to revisit those questions i asked myself last night, i need to pay some attention to them deeply. maybe i’ll get into them tomorrow night. i think i might.

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

where i am

whenever i’m trying to figure out what i should say to start my post, my brain runs around to everything that’s happening. but i’m trying to find a process here, find a chain of thought that really really resonates with me..

whenever i try to do that i start with where i am physically because that’s what i’m actually experiencing. so, where am i?

i’m in my room, in a house that i will be living in for the next year of my life, if not longer. Willis is with me, which is always wonderful. Lacey is upstairs asleep, Chris is out at a buddy’s house, and Luke hasn’t move in yet, they’ll be here on friday. 

am i happy? what does it take to be happy?

how willing am i to accept all my flaws and insecurities?

things to be mindful of: be more patient

cocky vs. humble

do i need to protect myself from Cara or can i truly give myself to another person? does another person deserve to be hurt by me?

do i still need closure from Lacey/does she still need closure from me?

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

when she says the same thing

Cara said something today about how she needs to take some time to really figure out if this is real or not. she said it’s beautiful that our bubble is expanding, but sometimes she feels like she’s dreaming and that this doesn’t feel real.

i get it- because the reason i started writing here again is mostly because i need to pay attention to if this is real or not. so when she told me that she’s making an effort to really think about if this is real or not, it just resonated even more deep within me that she and i are going to end up together. i didn’t have to tell her where i was for her to get there. she got there on her own, i just happened to already be on my way.

i don’t want to jump into this completely head first before really examining why i NEVER posted about Lacey. any how the second things with Cara start to get really serious i decided that it was time to start typing again. i want to give myself enough time to let the connection Cara and i share come to the surface, to “pop” our bubble that we’ve been in for the past almost month. we need the real world. and in order to be in the real world, Lacey and I have to outwardly end things.

we both haven’t changed our relationship statuses on social media. i’m pretty sure she hasn’t told her parents or sister yet. so to the outside world we’re still together. even though we aren’t. there are a bunch of things Lacey & i need to finalize before Cara & i can actually become partners.

i’m trying my best to not compare Cara to anyone i’ve dated previously, but it gives me so much perspective to think on that kind of scale. i wasn’t getting everything i needed when i was with Andrea. there were so many things lacking there. same with Lacey. there were multiple things that i wasn’t getting from her, or that she couldn’t give to me- and vice versa. so many missing pieces that just weren’t able to be filled. and that’s okay, not everyone can fill everyone’s buckets. it’s not that Lacey or Andrea were bad partners, because they weren’t. we just didn’t match up. another reason why i’m so intrigued by the connection Cara and i have- currently she isn’t lacking anything. she gives me everything i need and want and has & continues to give me things i didn’t even know i needed/wanted. she’s something else, that’s for sure.

so yeah i’m working on it. i’m working on making sure that Cara is the one for me before i jump completely into this. we’ve already talked about our future, and what that could look like- but we also keep reminding each other that we aren’t in a rush, that this doesn’t have to move at the speed of light... that it’s okay that we are where we are, hell, i so enjoy where we are it just feels right.

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

midday

i wonder what’s going to happen when we all stop moving. we’re still settling in to our new place, and there’s a lot of moving parts. i’m sure that once we stop moving Lacey will really feel it and there will be some sort of intense argument, or very emotional conversation.

is there anything i need to work on right now? anything that is pressing on my mind that i need to pay attention to? i want to make sure that i’m giving myself everything that i need in order to be the version of myself i feel i should be (during this part of my life).

i’m going to keep asking myself that question, actively. i know that there are a bunch of things i want to pay attention to. i’m on this.

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

is she the one

okay really. i have to figure this out. i can’t break another person’s heart because i am unable to communicate what i need early enough in the relationship.

Cara and i have a plan, that we’re not going to make any big decisions until after we’ve spent a full four seasons together. we want to experience each other in every light & every dark. now, is this a full four seasons before we become monogamous partners or before we get engaged.? not sure of the answer. stay tuned to find out what happens next.

i just know that she gives me everything i currently need. the active communication surrounding feelings, experiences, worries, hopes.. they’re thought out and purposeful. they’re so connecting... i learn so much about her and she also gets to learn about me. she is constantly telling me i’m wonderful, not just to her but as a person. that my experience is valid and that she see’s me. and i’m letting her.

the situation is not ideal, because i did cheat on Lacey with Cara... but i apologized and am doing what i can to rebuild trust with Lacey. hell we still have to be housemates for a year. i’m concerned about how Cara is feeling regarding this... we checked in on it the day before yesterday.? but she has so much going on i’m sure Lacey is one of the last things on her mind.

i crave her when she’s not near. she makes me laugh, and real good belly laughs like my friends make me laugh. we also have a million things in common so it makes everything super easy. 

basically, i’m here again because i want to really pay attention to myself and what i have to say from every angle. when i write it down, i can come back and try to make sense. i need to trust myself fully that this is where i want to be heading, otherwise i need to reeeeeeallly slow things down. 

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

almost a year and half later...

that was a whirlwind.

i have so much self reflection to do. this past year was so intense.. and already i’m ready to recommit myself to someone.

long story short: the random girl who messaged me quickly became my girlfriend, we moved in together, got promise rings, signed a year lease, realized we weren’t a good fit for one another, broke up, and STILL moved in together. so here i am, in my house- that I’m sharing with Lacey (the recent ex), Chris, and our friend Luke. luckily i have my own room so that’s amazing. it just worked out that our place has 4 rooms.

Lacey and i had a very special connection and it was incredible at first but then it died. just died. i thought the promise rings would rejuvenate things and make them interesting. spoiler alert: it didn’t work. i’m really glad i have my own room. i’m worried about her, of course. i broke her heart. 

i can’t believe that i didn’t write one post during our entire relationship. it really shows me how much i wasn’t paying attention to myself as much as i thought i was. maybe i didn’t want to be honest with myself about how i felt about Lacey. i knew we weren’t paired well but i went through with all of the everything. aaaannnd then i cheated on her. with the girl I’m currently talking to, Cara.

Cara and i have a lot in common. almost too much. we match up really well on a lot of levels. things i was lacking with Andrea and with Lacey i see clearly in Cara, without me having to show her how to do it. she came pre-self aware and it truly is a refreshing feeling.

why did i come back and start to write again? Cara and i have these really intense conversations.. i truly believe that is why our connection is so strong. we’re both so honest and raw with each other, i think we also read each other’s body language well. I needed to talk to myself about what’s going on, I needed to get it out of my system and really process it. is Cara the actual woman I’m going to marry?

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

overwhelmed

Feeling it. The overwhelmed. The dreaded overwhelmed.

Some random girl I’ve never met before messaged me last night and it seems like she’s interested in getting to know me. I feel so much anxiety building as I type this. She’s cute, seems really nice. But she’s not Andrea.

Fuck me man. I’m overwhelmed and anxious and nervous. I don’t like feeling like this at all.

I just want to tell Andrea that I want to be with her in her dark and her light and I don’t want to be with anyone else. I hate that I can’t just say these things to her. I hate that I’m not with her, and that I don’t get to go to sleep with her every night. I feel it in my chest... this burning anxious feeling.

As soon as I ended the conversation with that girl last night, I felt the anxiety start to grow. The “what if’s” and “why not’s” took over my chest. I don’t want to feel like this.

My heart belongs with Andrea and if this isn’t more of a sign of that then I don’t know what is. I don’t want to do this anymore, this being alone thing. I’m tired of it. I’m trying my best to be as patient as possible while she figures her stuff out, it’s just really starting to eat away at me.

[radicalsimplicity-blog1]

alone

I haven’t been physically alone and feeling lonely at the same time in a while. Today I had those feelings, still currently having them but not as intense. Just kinda existing in what is.