Dear Rae & Friends

an advice blog using the characters from the BAFTA - nominated show My Mad Fat Diary

[rae-and-friends]

Dear Rae,Izzy,Chloe How do you get a guys number or how do I give a guy my number with out sounding desperate or wired thanks.

Izzy here. Personally, I’ve always thought that the best relationships come out of friendships. Just look at me and Chop. We started out as really good friends, and our relationship is stronger for it because we can talk about what’s bothering us. Sure sometimes one or both of us will get scared, but Rae says that being scared of your feelings is just part of being a teenager. So I kind of already had Chop’s number. The real challenge was screwing up the courage to tell him how I felt. 

That’s great Izzy, but what about those of us that aren’t lucky enough to fall in love with our best friend?

I was getting to that, Chloe, geez. I was going to say, that instead of just asking outright for a guy’s number, you should try to just be friends with him first. That way, you can exchange numbers AND figure out how much you really like him, before making a move. 

Uh huh. And for the rest of us, I’ve got a different approach. 

Alright, Chloe, go ahead. 

Right. So I think you should just be bold. “We should go out sometime, can I have your number” works quite well. Or vice versa, you can say “We should hang out sometime, here’s my number.” See? Easy peasy, no fuss no muss. What do you think of that, Rae?

Well, I prefer a more covert method. No one likes rejection, so just ask in a way that rejection isn’t really an issue. The easiest way is to have a bit of a conversation, find out his interests, and then casually ask him. He likes music? Say “I know this really great band playing Friday night, if you want to go. Give me your number and I’ll call you with the details” or “The new Weaser is coming out and I was gonna go pick it up. Do you want to come with me?” That way, you open the door, but if he says no, it’s not a rejection, he’s just no interested in doing whatever activity you’ve suggested. 

But Rae? That could be a never-ending loop of non-rejection. 

Not really. The way I see it, if he says no more than once, you’ve got your answer. 

Okay good point. 

Told ya. I hope this was helpful.

Love,

Izzy, Chloe and Rae

[rae-and-friends]

Dear whomever can help me, my parents are trying to get me tested for depression. I've only told one of my best friends and I don't want to tell the other because I'm scared of how she'll react. How would you suggest telling her? Many thanks. x

It’s fantastic that you are taking that first step to feeling better in yourself and to help. It's great to hear that you have seem to have support from your best friend and your parents. 

Telling your friend can be a freeing feeling. I know that when I told Chloe I was scared but afterwards I put that bag of bullshit for a little while. I would suggest that you tell them in a place where you feel safe and there wouldn’t be any distractions, if you are anxious you can have what you want to say prepared and even read to them if that helps. Tell your friend plainly and honestly that you need a bit of help to get through a period of depression. If you are comfortable you could even ask your other best friend to be there with for moral support.  There is a lot of stigma surrounding mental health and depression but the more that we talk about the more open we become and understand that can affect a lot of people at different stages of their life. I hope that your friend will support you in this because that is what friends are for. Be clear to them that you are still the same person, you want to be treated the same but you just need a little help with this.

If your friend reacts negatively to this then I would give yourself some space from them, you can even tell them that at the moment their negativity is not what you need so you are going to distance yourself from them for the time being or until they come around to see that you are the same person having depression doesn’t change who you are. I would just like to say that people can have aspects of their live which are private and you shouldn’t feel obligated to tell your friend especially if you feel that their opinion will hinder your progress.  You are not telling  lies but sometimes it’s okay not to tell the whole world the little parts of you , everybody has a little pocket of bullshit  and that is okay as long as you have  people such as parents and your best friend to talk to who trust who care about you and will listen.  

Best of luck,

Rae xx

[rae-and-friends]

Hi, so basically I think I need to talk to a doctor cause I think I have depression. the problem is I still live with my parents and I don't know how to go without them knowing, I'm 16 so in this country the doctor would have to keep everything confidential, I'm just scared. Like I've felt this way for the past 3 years but put it off cause doctors/teachers could still tell my parents and now I have no excuse I don't know what to do Thanks x

Hi there, it's Rae.

I want to start by saying that I am so proud of you. Depression is like this silent disease that tries to overtake your whole life. But unlike other diseases, nobody else can see what you're going through. It can feel so alone. Nobody else can see just how hard it can be to get through a day pretending everything's OK. But you have made it to today, and you're trying to get some help. I am so proud of you for these things, and you deserve to be proud of you too. 

I know that getting help can be the hardest part. When I was out of hospital it took forever to get comfortable with going to therapy. And I tried my hardest to keep it a secret, even from me best friends. I suppose I was scared o' how they'd react. I was worried they'd think I was weak, or a whinger, or just plain crazy. But when they did find out, they were actually incredible. They were so supportive of me, they didn't judge me. I can see that they loved me for who I am, and for that I'm so thankful.

Sometimes we misjudge how the people around us will react to something - like Archie when he was coming out to the gang, and me about my hospital stay... But both Archie and I were able to let go of a huge, exhausting secret, and in return we gained loving support networks. And let me tell you, healing from your depression will be so much easier with good support. 

If you don't want your parents to know about your depression, and don't want them in your support network that is completely OK. As you said, your doctor has to respect your right to privacy. But my advice to you is to really think about what would happen if they knew. Do you really think they don't love you enough to support your healing? And are you ok to carry on holding this secret from them?

If you still feel that the answer is yes, that's OK. And the first step you should focus on is finding your support network. 

 Luckily there is so much support for you when you need it. If you don't feel like talking to your friends or other family, then on this website there are thousands of people who you can talk to. who understand exactly what you're going through. There will also be things like telephone counselling services in your country if you need them. Your doctor will recommend a good therapist, but if that person doesn't feel right for you you can always ask to see someone else - finding the right professional for you is so important, and every therapist will be different. Make sure you find someone who you are comfortable with, and who understands who you are. 

You have a long journey of healing in front of you. But I know that you will overcome this illness - I know this because it takes a lot of people until they are much older to start even thinking about getting help. You have reached out, which is the very first step. I am so proud of you for doing that. I can't wait to see how you go from here. 

Good luck.

Here is a list of helplines which may be useful to you!

[rae-and-friends]

Dear Rae I need some help. I joined a music club because my friend forced me after hearing my voice and there is this guy who i fell for the moment i saw him. This semester, I was hoping he had left the campus since our mutual friend told me he was going to a different campus, and I usually don't like to have crushes because for me being the size I am, they always end up in heartache. I ran into him today and well, I was kinda rude because because I got nervous. He is laways complimenting me and

contd.I just don't know if I should read into too much. I really tried everything to dislike him. I ran away from him in the halls and avoided him at all costs but he's everywhere. He's really cool and plays guitar and on top of everything else, my friends from high school are telling me he's not attractive and that I could do better but I think he's really attractive and that I don't measure up to him. I'm not sure what to do. How do i stop liking someone out of my league??

Well I got one thing to say to all that.

 BOLLOCKS!

 Bollocks to someone being 'out of your league'. Bollocks to your friends saying he's not attractive. Bollocks to your size being a good reason to not let yourself like a guy. 

 I spent so long running away from the most gorgeous man on the planet. Yes I did think that cos I was a 4 and he was an 11, somehow I didn't deserve him. Lucky for me he didn't buy into any o' that rubbish. Now, if you ask me, we make a damn fine couple. And between you and I, real Finn is an even better kisser than dream Finn... (and he's better in some other ways too!!)

 You need to stop running away from love. Stop thinking that you don't deserve it because of how you look. It sounds to me like that boy is head over heels for you. Next time you're in the same room I want you to relax, smile, and get to know him a bit more. Be your relaxed self around him. And ignore what your friends think - what matters most is what you think. If they can't see that he is drop dead gorgeous then they are missing out!

 You are beautiful. He is beautiful. Love doesn't have 'leagues'. Love doesn't need some imaginary ranking system which is only designed to make us feel bad about ourselves. But even so, to me you are both 11s.

Rae

[rae-and-friends]

I am 18 and I still haven't kissed anyone. I've had some chances, but I always postpone it. I guess I'm afraid I'll be bad at it and I can't talk to anyone or people will make fun of me. What should I do?

Hey. Finn Nelson here.

 I’m about to let you in on a little secret, alright?

 My first kiss was horrible.

 I remember being so nervous, more nervous than I had been in me life. I was sweatin’ like mad. I was scared that my breath stank, scared of using too much tongue, scared of having too much saliva. I had no idea what to do with me hands so I kinda just held them there awkwardly. I really wanted to impress her which just made everything worse. I can laugh about it now, but at the time I felt so bad, so worried that she thought I was a bad kisser.

 I kissed a lot o’ girls since then though. Now I kiss Rae every day. But you know what? Every time I kiss her I get so nervous. I feel like I’m sweatin’ like mad. I’m scared that my breath stinks, scared o’ using too much tongue, too much saliva. And I really want to impress her, I’m so scared she’ll think I’m a bad kisser.

 There’s two things I’m tellin you here. One, is that guys go through the same fear as you. Secondly, the nerves never truly go away. Sure, with practice you’ll get a bit better and more confident. But everyone always has that little bit o’ nerves, no matter how many people they’ve kissed.

 So with that in mind, my advice to you is to acknowledge your nerves beforehand and just do it. When you’re kissing somebody, just let yourself go and enjoy it. I think you’ll find that whatever comes naturally will be an amazing kiss. Don’t overthink it, just enjoy the person you’re with.

 The best kisses are when you’re both so into each other, rather than concentrating on what your lips are doing. So just take the plunge, and have fun.  

 Cheers M'Dear

[rae-and-friends]

Dear Rae, I think I may have found my Finn! Only problem is he lives halfway across the world bc he's, like, a star football player. I only met him once but idkkkk he just seems amazing. It seems crazy that I have feelings for him already I know, but we just clicked, you know? Ah fuck I'm screwed.

Dear Anon,

 Long distance relationships can be difficult to maintain in a well established relationship. In this relationship when you have only just met the difficulties and hardships may be even greater. If at all possible it would be best to begin with a platonic relationship get to know the guy first. You have only meet him once although you may have good intuition and felt a connection to him, forming a friendship is often a good place to start and see if it naturally progresses to more  just look at me and Chop. It’s not crazy that you have feelings for him but recognising  and naming the feelings is your next step  I think it would be best if you did some reflecting on the relationship and of the football player. Often we can be swept up in how we feel and we get clouded by our emotions, does the idea of this guy thrill you more than he does?

But the biggest question of all is there any real chance that you will see this person again?

Sometimes we meet people and it may be just brief chance meeting but we feel that connection. Instead of mourning the loss of them or the time you never had sometimes it is best to celebrate that brief yet strong encounter because that is what life is a string of moments and encounters. That we should celebrate and cherish without being weighed down by the what ifs and nostalgia.  Remember it be happy it happened but don’t let that moment hold you back from the more you have to come.

Lots of love, 

Izzy xxx

[rae-and-friends]

dear chloe, im currently going through what you had been struggling with in series 2. guys never actually genuinely like me for who i am, so i end up messing around with them because its the only kind of attention i ever get. i always hate myself after and just feel like a whore. i want a guy to love me the way finn loves rae. but they only ever love my body. i dont feel good enough to have someone truly care about me. i want to break this habit but im not sure how. please help me.

Hey there, it’s Chloe here.

I know what you’re saying babe. I know what it’s like to do all kinds o’ stuff just so the boys’ll like me. And I know the awful feeling you get after, when you feel like you’re worth nothing but for your body. I reckon nearly every girl will go through it at some point babe. Remember that you’re not alone.

Let me ask you a question Nonny. Do you love yourself?

When a girl doesn’t love herself, we try extra hard to get other people – usually guys - to love us instead. And when they don’t love us it’s so much harder to take. You end up feeling worthless, like nobody is gonna love you. And so we cling on to any attention we get, even if it’s just for our bodies.

When we don’t love ourselves, we don’t know what we deserve. We don’t realise that we are deserving of someone who wants more than just our body. We let boys treat us badly because we think we deserve it, or that we can’t get anyone better.

This lets us get into very bad situations. Like I did with Ian.

So hun, if you want to stop harming yourself in this way, the first step is to love yourself.

But how do you learn to do that? Babe I wish I had an easy answer! You gotta find what works best for you. Take the time to enjoy being by yourself. Treat yourself to something you’ve waited a long time to do. Set aside a few hours each weekend to do something for yourself, and don’t let anything interrupt it. Maybe try a new hobby. There’s lots of things you can do, the only thing that matters is that you make yourself the sole focus. Just be aware that as soon as you start treating yourself properly, you will automatically start trying to fight that. If you’re anythin’ like me, you’ve spent most of your life thinking you don’t deserve good things. It’s like we get into a habit of hating ourselves, so as soon as something good happens to us we try to wreck it.  You will have weak days, hun. Don’t let these get you down – remember that you deserve good things.

Learning to love yourself is a journey, but it’s a journey that I don’t think ever ends. Luckily, it’s one that thousands o’ girls are also going through. Don’t be afraid to ask for help – most people love sharing their experiences. I know on this website there are loads of inspirational people who are sharing their journey.

Babe, you, I, and everyone else out there deserves someone to love us. And I promise you there are lots o’ people out there ready to love you – not just for your body. But when they arrive, if you still think you don’t deserve good things, you will push them away. We all know this is why Rae left Finn – she didn’t think she was worth being with someone as good as him. Imagine that, even Rae thinks she wasn’t good enough for someone. Crazy girl!

Fooling around with a cute guy can be lots of fun. But I’m learning now that I wasn’t doing it cos I wanted some fun. I did it cos I just wanted to feel special for a few moments. And, like you, I hated myself afterwards, but did it again anyway.  We can shag as many boys as we want to, but if we’re doing it for any reason other than it’s what we really want to do, it can be harmful. The good news is that you already see this, and asking for advice means I know you will find the gorgeous woman within you, and then you’ll find some better guys who treat you the way you deserve!

Besides, you know what the best feeling is, that nobody else can ever give you? The feeling of being happy within yourself.

 Stay strong babe

Chlo

[rae-and-friends]

I'm facing an extremely tough decision. The girl of my dreams who happens to be my bestfriend has just admitted that she's in love with me, I've waited 3 years for this. But I happen to be in a relationship with an ex. Who do I pick?

Hi there

Thanks for writing in, sounds like you’ve got a pretty tough decision to make, but it also sounds like you’ve already made it. I can’t tell you who to be with, but from the sounds of it, you seem to want to give things a try with your best friend. You say you’ve wanted this for a long time and since she’s recently admitted her feelings for you, maybe you owe it to yourself to see where things go. Before you do though, I want to warn you of a few things. 

First is that before anything goes forward with your best friend, you have to break off your current relationship. If you’ve committed to a monogamous relationship with your ex, it isn’t fair to them to continue it while also pursuing your best friend. If you care about them you have to be honest with them and yourself, and not string them along. When I kissed Liam I felt terrible about it and told Amy because she deserved to know that the person she was with wasn’t being honest with her, so don’t make the same mistake as Liam. 

Second is that you have to accept that things may not go as planned. Despite you both feeling strongly for each other, you may come to find that you just don’t work as a couple. While it’s absolutely possible to stay friends with your ex, it’s possible that at the end of it all, one or both of you won’t want to. Before starting a romantic relationship you should come to terms with the fact that you may not still be best friends if the relationship ends. 

Just remember to treat both your best friend and the ex with respect and kindness, and try to keep their feelings in mind when reacting to this potentially volatile situation. Good luck with everything. 

-Rae

[rae-and-friends]

Okay, so I'd also like your advice. I'm a guy, and I recently started liking one of my good guy friends. He's the only guy I ever liked. We discussed the topic in March, he tells me no chance. I give it up, only for many signs that he does in fact like me to occur throughout June-present. One of the more recent ones was how we were playing 1000 blank white cards, and he's given a card saying "act like you are lovers with the person to your left." I'm to his left, and after what happened in March

 contd.he would show that he was uncomfortable if something like this would happen. Instead of acting uncomfortable, he just jumped right in with the arm around me, hand holding, etc. It really threw me off, and since I'm not fully out as bi, I acted like it was just a joke and probably seemed a little uncomfortable. I'm not really sure if he actually likes me now or not, and I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?-Ryan

Hiya Ryan-

Rae here. Thank you for reaching out to me for help. Your question is so important to young queer and bisexual adults so I thought I would ask Archie to help you with your problem.

 Thanks Rae for asking me to answer this question. Hi Ryan, Uncle Archie at your service. I have read your question over and over again and also did a little research and found that your friend may be doing something called queerbaiting. From your description to me it sounds like your friend is giving you reasons to believe you and him might be a possibility by putting his arm around you and holding your hand during the 1,000 Blank White Card Game. Queerbaiting is a selfish act and your friend seems to be playing a game with your emotions and truly doesn't see a potential relationship with you. I would ask yourself again Ryan what has changed in the last couple of months, when just a couple of months ago he gave you a flat out no when you brought up your feelings for him. If you are still unsure about your friend’s feelings I would ask him one final time to be upfront with you about his feelings. If he tells you he is not interested in you romantically then let him know that what he is doing to you by flirting with you, holding your hand and hugging you is confusing you and makes you feel as if he is romantically interested in you. You need to be strong Ryan and tell your friend to stop these behaviors when he is around you because it is causing you pain and giving you hope where there isn't any.

 On the other hand if this conversation with your friend does uncover that he has changed his mind and does have feelings for you I would still be wary Ryan. Personally I find it hard to believe that a couple months would change the way he feels about you so I would take things slow and continue communicating with him. Communication is so important and I know that bringing this topic up with your friend again is difficult but it is the only way you can move on and find someone who truly wants to be with you.

 I had a difficult time coming out and I know that questioning your sexuality can make you feel vulnerable and alone. Holding onto hope that your friend will have the same feelings for you also may be adding to your uncertainty. I want to say that these feelings are valid and real but in my experience they don’t last for long. I am not suggesting that they disappear overnight it took a while for me to accept myself and come out to the gang, but I am such a different person today. My true friends never left my side when I finally told them I fancy lads and they have been nothing but supportive. In my experience I also think talking to a professional or seeking some assistance at a LGBTIQAP center might be a great resource for you Ryan. I found lots of services through college and the local Lincolnshire LGBTIQAP center. I have included some links below to get you started.

www.thetrevorproject.org

http://www.lgbtcenters.org/Centers/find-a-center.aspx

 www.childline.org.uk

http://www.stonewall.org.uk/

 The first link is for America and features a chat option and the second is a map of all the LGBTIQAP community centers in the United States and around the world. The last two links are for the UK and provide links to other services for LGTIQAP youth. I hope you will use these resources if you feel the need Ryan but please feel free though to contact us again if you ever want to discuss issues that you are dealing with. Uncle Archie and the gang are always here for you.

 -Archie

[rae-and-friends]

My life is full of sadness. My father passed away when I was only a baby. I feel like Im a ugly person, I know I have a low self-esteem. Almost every day, I feel depressed & alot of anxiety. I was with someone for almost two years and he used to forced me to do oral sex with him, I was in a place were I would do everything that he ask me just so he could stay with me, because without him I always felt alone. The relashion ended and almost every day I feel so ashamed for what I did with my ex.

Dear Nonny,

It’s Chloe here, but I’m also going to ask Kester to join in.

I just want to begin by saying that what your ex-partner did to you is not your fault.  When someone else makes you do something sexual, it’s never your fault.  It’s entirely his fault and his fault alone. 

Kester here, can I just add that it’s perfectly normal to feel ashamed, even though you have no reason to.  Victims of sexual assault often blame themselves and feel ashamed for letting it happen.  But as Chloe said it is not your fault, it will never be your fault.

I know that when I was with Ian, I felt so low about myself and I was sure that no lad would ever want me.  And Ian did things to me that made me feel like nothing, like I was nothing.  This world is not a very nice place for girls.  From our earliest days, we are taught to value a male’s opinion of ourselves more than our own, and this is so damaging to our self-esteem.  Sometimes it’s easier to let yourself feel like nothing than to swim against this tide.  And some lads certainly do a very good job of making us feel like nothing, don’t they?  But you are not nothing, you are someone, someone very important.  And I believe that by reaching out to us here, you know this on some level.

You certainly are going through an awful lot, and after all the pain and suffering you’ve been through, it can be very hard to know how to move past this moment.  I believe the best place to start, would be to seek help for coming to terms with your sexual assault.  I have included some links below to get you started.

https://rainn.org/get-help

https://rainn.org/get-help/sexual-assault-and-rape-international-resources

The first link is for America, and has an online chat option.  The second link has international hotlines for sexual assault victims.  But please don’t feel that by me giving you these links, you can’t send us another anon at any time you want; we’re here for you as much as we can be.

If you can afford a therapist babe, I really think it would help you because you could talk about how losing your father has impacted your life, and learn techniques for dealing and coping with depression and anxiety as well as how to build your self-esteem.  Here are some free counselling services for you:

http://www.befrienders.org/directory

http://emotionalsupportalliance.org/emergency-location-map.html

https://www.lifeline.org.au/About-Lifeline/Lifeline-International/Looking-for-Help/Looking-for-Help

But like Kester said, please feel free to send messages anytime you need to; I'd really like to know how you’re going.

With everything that’s happened in your life, it must feel like it’s never going to end or that you’ll never feel better, but I promise that if you take the time to be kind to yourself every day, it will slowly improve.

Ultimately, we can’t change what happens in our lives, but we can change how we respond to it and how it makes us feel about ourselves and the world.  You can conquer this. 

We believe in you.

[rae-and-friends]

I need your advice. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling of having to be loved and having to have a boyfriend. I love love, and I can't get enough of it. I always seem to cry myself to sleep because of it, I'm also having other problems with a friend just not talking to me when we both helped each other so much and it is just really painful mentally. I've become paranoid and I've stopped going to some lessons and eating less. Help?

Hello beautiful,

Rae here! I’ve got Kester with me in case I get stuck on a thought because I know exactly how you feel and he really helped me and I think he can help ya, too! First, I want to say how deeply sorry I am that you’re havin’ a hard time. I know what it’s like to feel like you need to be loved and when it doesn’t happen, you feel… almost worthless. Like without it you’re this empty vessel just wanderin’ through life and goin’ through the motions. But it’s tremendously important to remember that you are loved. You are so loved, it’s crazy. It’s easy to forget that there are different kinds of love when you’re completely focused on findin’ romantic love. There’s the love of your family. There’s the love of your friends. No matter where you are in life, there is someone that truly loves you, hun. And most importantly, you have the love of yourself. To quote the effervescent Whitney Houston, “learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all.”

I completely agree with you, Rae. I want you to ask yourself this question, do you feel like you have to be loved to make yourself whole or do you feel like you have to be loved because then you can love yourself? Because, to me, it almost feels like you desperately need to find love because you’re lacking it within yourself and you believe you won’t until you find someone who loves you. But I can tell you, you can’t truly love anybody, or expect anybody to love you, until you irrevocably and unconditionally love yourself. I had Rae do a project and I want you to start doing it as well. Starting today, I want you to grab a notebook or diary, something you can keep track of, and every day I want you to write down one thing you love about yourself and then say it out loud. Do this every day and the ones you find yourself being pleased with the most, cut them out and paste them to something you look at every day. Be it your bathroom mirror, the visor of your car, anything you see on a daily basis and recite it yourself when you’re having a bad time. When you’re feeling low and you’re not feeling the love you wish you were because then you can look at it and always remember that you love you and that’s all you really need in the end.

Well done, Kester. I knew I kept you around for a reason. I personally remember thinkin’ that havin’ a boyfriend would be the only way I could truly be happy, but it wasn’t true. I needed to love me before I could let Finn, or anyone really, love me. And vice versa, I could never really love Finn until I learned to love me, too.

Now about your friend, that’s a really tough situation. I kind of had the same problems with Chlo this past year. We both felt like neither of us was there for each other when we helped each other out so much… Did that make sense? Like, I felt like Chlo was abandonin’ me after I was there for her and she felt like I was abandonin’ her for the same reason. It was really hard, I felt like my best friend was pullin’ away from and I started into this downward spiral of sorts. It wasn’t until we finally talked and left everythin’ on the line that were we finally able to grow back together as friends. That’s the best advice I can offer you, love. It’s goin’ to be awkward and uncomfortable, but you need to talk to her. Leave everythin’ on the line and if in the end you two weren’t meant to be friends, so be it. My mum once told me that some friends are there for a season and some are there for a reason. Some people are meant to be in your life for only short amounts of time, to teach you the things you need to learn in the moment and then they’re gone and you take everythin’ you learned from them to shape yourself in to the person you were meant to be. And then there are the friends that are there for a reason. They’re the ones who there for the whole journey that is this crazy life. The ones you continue to grow with and you continue to learn from. It feels like it’s time for you and your friend to figure out if you’re reason friends or just season friends. It’s gunna suck, but if you find you’re just season friends, that’s totally okay. It’s to let friends go if you don’t feel yourself growin’ with them anymore.

Well said, Rae. Now, I’m very concerned about your lack of eating and feelings of paranoia. I really feel like you should maybe speak to someone on a regular basis, but if you don’t feel comfortable with that, remember there are always people willing to listen and offer advice at a hotline in your country. Now, I’m not sure where you reside, love, so here’s a list of anxiety hotlines around the globe: Anxiety Hotline - NY, NJ, CT (US) (1-212-726-2390)  24 hour hotline for social anxiety and panic treatment. For those calling from the New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut area only.

First Steps - UK: (0845 120 2916) Helpline for anyone experiencing general anxiety, phobias, panic attacks, obsessive compulsive disorders, etc.

Northern Ireland Agoraphobia and Anxiety Society (NIAAS): (0845 122 8630) Helpline in Northern Ireland for Agoraphobia and Anxiety.

No Panic - UK: (0808 808 0545) Helpline for anxiety disorders, panic attacks etc.

Panic Disorder Information Hotline: (1-800-64-PANIC)     Provides information on panic disorder and referrals to counselors in your local area.

The National Phobics Society - UK:

08444 775 774

0161 227 9898

Telephone helpline service in the UK between 9:30am to 5:30pm Monday through Friday. A helpline for individuals affected by anxiety, phobias, compulsive disorders and/or panic attacks.  

Please, please don’t hesitate to reach out to someone if you’re having negative thoughts about anything. Things will get better if you allow them to.

Thanks for your help, Kester! I do hope I was of some help to you and if you ever need to talk again, lovely, I’m always here. You will always have a friend in me.

Much love,

Rae. 

[rae-and-friends]

ask

Hey guys - do please keep sending us in your problems/queries. 

We really love to help you! We're always here to help.

[rae-and-friends]

Dear Rae & Friends

Don’t forget guys, that if you’re struggling then we CAN help! any issue, any problem - we have Rae and her friends (via the power of fanfic writers) waiting to give you advice! 

PLEASE don’t hesitate.

Also, if you need help sooner, please find our help pages here.

[rae-and-friends]

Hi! I'm starting college in September and I'm not exactly the most confident girl. I'm studying music and I'm shitting myself because I think we're going to have to perform on the first day. I'm really worried about being judged. Any advice on starting college?

Dear Anon, 

 I totally know how nerve-racking it is to start college. When I started, I just wanted to hide under the radar and pretend that there was nothing special about me. Except there was: Finn. Even though Finn would say that he’s nothing special, he is - and everybody knows it. 

 I bet, that if you’ve been accepted to do music, then you must be really talented in music. It’d be a bit hard to hide it, especially if you have to perform on the first day. 

 My advice on college would be what Kester said to me. You need to stop caring about what people are thinking of you, because you’re an amazing person, nonny. Remember to self-soothe. Come up with a mantra that will help you stop panicking.

 Mine is, “You are perfect, Everything is going to be ok.” 

 Find your mantra, and every time that you feel that anxiety rising, say it to yourself. Say it as many times as you need to until you feel the anxiety go away. You will find some great friends, and you will love studying music. 

If you’re still struggling, then find someone to talk to. Be it a parent, a friend, a teacher. Just find a willing person that you can trust. 

 Just remember, you are perfect and EVERYTHING is going to be ok. 

 Please let me know how your first day goes! 

Love, Rae

[rae-and-friends]

to chloe, all of my friends see me as the "hot" one in our group, which i disagree with. yes, i get boys attention but i want a man who respects me and not some pathetic lowlife. i'm now aware thanks to one of my friends that the majority of my other female friends bitch about me behind my back because of all the attention i get. i don't ask for it, it just happens. i want to stand up to them. any advice?

Heya Babe!

I know how hard it can be when you think people only like you for one thing - and let's face it, there's definitely plenty of lads only out for a quick fumble. Sometimes it's rough for people on the other side of that, yeah? Like, lots of girls like Rae who want a lad to like'em and think they can't have that for whatever reasons - because they think they aren't pretty enough for boys to like. It's sad for all of ya, really. You want a boy who'll treat you like you're top because of who ya are and they want a boy to like'em and think they're pretty - really you both just want the same thing and it's a shame that they aren't supporting you the way I know you support them.

Just tell'em that. Next time you feel like you're being attacked let your friends know that it's no bed of roses on either side of the garden - they don't get the attention you do but that just because the lads pay you attention don't mean it's the kind of attention a girl would like to have. Tell'em about the things you deal with - the pathetic lowlife stuff that they don't see. It must seem nice to them, to have lads paying you compliments but maybe they don't know how uncomplimentary those lads can be.

But remind those friends of yours that having a boy's attention isn't the end-all, be-all if he's not nice or kind and that getting pawed by a pathetic lowlife don't make you feel pretty - just makes you scared and sad. If you tell'em that and they're still not supporting you, you'll need to shove'em off like Rae and I did with Stacey. Long as you go one good mate (and it sounds like you do), that's enough to get on with.

Hoping for the best, lovely! XxX Chloe

[rae-and-friends]

QUESTION (Name withheld):

Hello! Ok so, I have this friend, and I had just recently met him. Like in October. So anyways, I didn’t really like him from the beginning. He just rubbed me the wrong way, you know? So anyways, he has asked me out in the past, to which I said no. He also asked my other friend out, and she really liked him, so they went out for a couple months. Until he dumped her. On her birthday. HER BIRTHDAY. Anyways, it really, really upset her, so now none of my friends liked said boy. But he kept hanging out with us. But then we learned that he was severely depressed, and cut himself. So we were nice to him for a while, but then he called my best friend for 8 years fat and ugly in front of all of us. So now all of my friends hate him, except for my 1 friend, the one he dated and dumped. She always sticks up for him, and we’re scared she would leave us, to be friends with him rather than be with us, even though we’ve known her for like 10 years. I don’t know what to do, and I’m really sorry this is probably really confusing. Thank you sooo much.

Dear anonymous 

This sounds like a very difficult situation for everyone. 

Sometimes bad behaviour is a metaphorical cry for help, and this boy sounds like he might need to see a therapist or to try one of the helplines here (http://rae-and-friends.tumblr.com/help). 

You could try telling him that, but you don’t have to.  It’s very important for us all to understand that we do not have to take on other people’s problems.  If we choose to try and help and support, that’s fine.  But it does not make us less of a person if we cannot help, or if we choose not to because the behaviours of the boy in question are too hurtful to us or our loved ones.  It is ok for you to not want to help him and to not want to spend time with him, especially when he is calling your friend names.  Bullying people is never acceptable, even if you do have mental health problems. 

Being excluded can be extraordinarily difficult though, so I urge you to be gentle, and as kind as possible, in your efforts to free yourself from this boy; perhaps help him make new friends, rather than simply cast him out of your group of friends.  You can also try to set boundaries with him in terms of his behaviour, for example: try telling him that he can spend time with your group if he does not bully any of you, but if he does, you will politely ask him to leave.

On to your friend that defends this boy.  That is her choice.  You cannot make her choices for her, nor can you control her actions.  No matter how much you think she is making a mistake, it is her mistake to make.  Because you obviously would like to maintain a friendship with this girl, all you can do is just let her know that you’ll be there for her and that you care about her.  It’s better that you offer her continued friendship than make her choose between you and a boy she very clearly cares for. 

Sometimes we feel as though we have to try and save people from themselves, or we feel as though we have to save a situation in order to preserve things as they are now forever.  But you can’t stop a person from making their own decisions, you just have to make the best decisions for yourself that you can.  And you can’t make things never change; that’s impossible and it would be detrimental for everyone anyway.  Just make sure you take care of yourself and those you love to the best of your abilities, and let others do the same.

Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you need any more help with this issue.

  Kester

[rae-and-friends]

I send my question a while ago and I still havent got a reply.. please answer :(

We're really sorry Nonny! The last couple of weeks have been a bit hectic with the fanfic writers, what with holidays and busy spells and whatnot. We're aiming to get them all done this week so that we can do it. I promise We'll get to it ASAP. 

Sorry again!