Rae @rae-nee-dai - Tumblr Blog

this is a rant account, i talk about my trauma and some dark themes soo.... yeah, there's the warning

i hate everything so much, i hate the government, i hate the pain it brings, i hate and love humanity. i hate that i became what I was scared of.

#rant post

today was day 2 of first car shopping which has been fun. but also im older than normal first car shopping since i went to a college with good public transit. which day 1 sucked, day 2 got better in certain ways. the biggest thing is i want leather seats and its a strong preference because im a clean freak and i want seats that are easy to clean. i want to tell my rl friends but one of them is scared of cars, another is too busy to bother over something so trivial, and the rest havent spoke with me in a while. my family just got back from a work trip. For the first time ever, im wanting her to leave again faster. She confessed something to me and it was something ive joked about for years but now that its real i feel sick. Car is step one to moving out but i don't know what i want to do and I'm lying to everyone so that i feel like i have some purpose to them and I'm not useless. i want to run away, far away but i don't think even if i run anywhere will accept me. this is just one big rant for no one but me.

dont know why but theres something with being so overstimulated and not knowing why and trying to explain and no one listens and then your just ansy

#“oh help me with this” as much as id love to the skin of my thighs is sticking. my hairs in my face. and the floor is bad #forget that im nerodivergent until those noise canceling headphones come out #overstimulated #nerodivergent #its like everything is wrong at once and your body wont let you fix any of it #like please I'm one hair touching neck away from getting out a trimmer and going nuts #like the next thing to go wrong and ill cry

recently it's turned to where i can't even shop at the grocery store without being overstimulated and i think i just realized that maybe it's because i shop better alone and with headphones on

#adhd #overstimulated #nerodivergent #normal everyday activities are not fun anymore #last time i shopped in store i had 3 panic attacks in one shopping trip #i think i should just go back to shopping alone with headphones

when life got me like... to drink or not to drink that is the question

#not sure if this is more midlife crisis or quarter life crisis #midlife crisis #quarter life crisis #rl stuff #just ughhh

ive been watching a lot of studio ghibli recently and like the thing is i love that like it doesn't wrap up with a pretty bow at the end. my favorite so far is kiki but like at the end things go unresolved and that's okay. the first time watching it, i felt like i was left unsatisfied but life never really closes like it does in movies

#studio ghibli

sleeper build chubby body but instead of actually being like strong or muscular it's that i know more about working out than all my dumb coworkers that workout. im not a genius by any means but im not completely idiotic to it like they are.

last week one of them said that they were eating healthy and so they got rid of all the vegetables from their plate and started eating fried chicken sandwiches and told everyone they cut out all sugars from their diet. and the one from the military next to them said that they were doing great

#rl stuff #rant #health rant

when your trying not to take over the plans because when you do people always complain but no one is making the plans

#please i need help #like im trying so hard to not just plan the whole friend hangout like i normally do #but they dont plan anything ever #the worst part is where we are going is somerwhere i know really well and theres a bunch of places ive wanted to show them #but ive been asking to bring them there for a year now and only now do they decide to plan it #and only because someone else saw something on tiktok and wants to go see it #like there's so much i want to show yall but you all are assholes #so i told myself to stay out of it but i really just want to take over planning #the thing is when i do take over planning they complain afterwards that it's dumb but that's after they enjoyed themselves #and they never take initiative to plan things... like ever #im talking it feels like im going on a date with a guy and i have to plan the whole thing level no planning #ugh i just hate it #im so upset because i spend so long planning things for them #so fucking long and everytime they hate it #like just don't include me anymore damn #and it's not that i don't like penning things because i do. but I'll give them one thing to plan and then we end up doing nothing #rant #rl stuff

transpigeon

STOP! before you decide you are irretrievable doomed, try one of the following options:

transition

bdsm

iron supplements

#.... I'm 2/3

ngl like not only am i having my life crisis but also like why is it that even if i had my head on straight i can't feel comfortable in my own county. like i love my family, i love my area, but also i want to have a family and for many many reasons i don't find that safe in the US. like having a kid means i might die because of not getting proper treatment so the kid could live, it means putting the kid through school and worrying every day. why the fuck would i want to start a family in the worst place possible. i want a family so ive decided that I'll have to move away to do that. but my responsibility to my family is here, the things i love are here but still i can't be happy here. there is no way for me to have a happy future here. so shout out to whatever country I'm moving to next

#politics #united states #usa politics #tw abortion

anxietyproblem

repeating is knowing that I'm allergic to egg whites

learning is that I've never gotten a flu shot

understanding is figuring out I get sick often because i don't have any immunity

conceptualizing is realizing that I've never had a flu shot and my family knows that and still brings me around when I'm sick knowing that i will get sick then blames me for faking it

#rl stuff #rant

i was asked some questions about my ex religion and it's weird because like even when i was apart of it i was never a good one. like even when i identified with the religion, i argued with the leaders, i never read the book, i barely passed the religion classes. hell as a kid i hated it so much that the money i made from my first job to try to pay off the classes so i could quit. i could barely answer any of their questions and when i told them just one thing that had happened just to my father they were horrified. the best part is theyre a different branch of the same religion. there's few people i really hate but the catholic church is one of them

#tw catholicism #tw christianity #tw religion

what level of not okay am i? my mom came in and held me so i would calm down, she didn't even do that when i kept smashing my head in the wall. she hasn't done that since i was a legit child. my dad keeps walking in saying he failed me. i just didn't want them to worry more, im a rubble person and i failed them all. i should have been stronger, im sorry

when i told my dad he got out two cups and we both drank. they found out I've been lying to everyone for a month so that they wouldn't worry

#rl stuff #rant #tw drunk

no one can stop me if i run away from everything. at least not if im good at it

#rant #rl stuff #aka is it bad i want to flee the country

....now what?

#rl stuff

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Rae