BPD? BPD.

My venting, Bloging, Rage board. Just trying to heal tw: SH, mental health talk, ED+ (DNI if Pro-anything. DNI if -18. I am 21+)

[rageonrageonrageon]

Hiiii, my name is Rage (I'll tell you my real name if we get to know each other 🥹) You'd be surprised to find out I'm a lot less angry than the name suggests. But anger is a lot of times my main emotion? Idk lol but there will be no anger here today!

___________________

I'm finally doing an introduction of sorts.

Some basics

I have BPD (obviously) As well as autism and PCOS. All of which contribute to the person I am, which is an emotional mess.

I am 25

I am a connoisseur of emo music, Stardew Valley, thriller books, [SFW] Roleplay, and sleepiness

I'm pansexual, I use She/They pronouns.

Single, in case that matters

Fat, also in case that matters

I am LGBTQIA+ friendly, I support BLM, Sex work, I believe in protecting children, I hate the stupid orange clown in the US, and I'm anti-phobic. If you stumble upon this blog and are against that stuff or are any type of phobic, just block me. Its easier.

If you want to get to know me, message me. I'm an open book that's full of trauma, spontaneous fun, and repeatedly saying I'm tired.

[rageonrageonrageon]

Day 5 of my medicine

Hiccups are going away. I think maybe I feel a little different? I mopped today, I've been outside everyday for at least 20 minutes (it's really hot.) and I put the curtains down for the sun. I just feel a little more productive I suppose.

I'm waking up early now and going to bed at a decent time so that's cool!! The last 2 days I've woken up at 10 and went to bed at 2 or so.

Idk, maybe this will help.

[rageonrageonrageon]

Day 4 of 14 of my medicine jornal

I don't know if I'm seeing a different mentally yet? I guess maybe I am waking up earlier, I had an episode today and it was intense but short and mostly worked through.

My husband pulled my hair today, which is a lot, but he did it to get me to stop throwing my head against the door. But the episode was quick.

Less hiccups, still have them though. One shit a day, so that's cool. Heat hurts lmao. Haven't had sex, don't want sex, can't orgasm well last I tried. But I'm usually only horny when I'm on my period lmao 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel fine. Husband says I feel less upset, less snappy. So that's cool, antiphycotic is working? Points for that lmao

[rageonrageonrageon]

Day 3 of my 14 day jornal

Side effects? I ate less than 1000 cal today because I didn't feel hungry. Took me 20 minutes to orgasm and I still have killer hiccups. I'm surviving tho!

My root canals are bothering me really bad today, like bad. But I'm getting by. Anyways, I made pineapple upside down cake a few days ago. Enjoy

[thoughtcascades]

sorry i act weird when i’m uncomfortable and also when i’m comfortable

[ididntknowucouldread]

i need to stop flirting with people as if i’m not genuinely ugly and fucking insane

[rageonrageonrageon]

Day 2 of my 14 day jornal.

Side effects so far? Very very sleepy, but I'm always sleepy. Shitting, which is normal and I was also on antibiotics so who knows about that one. Annnnnd Hiccups?? That's a weird one but sure enough, hiccups. Apparently it's normal though? It's only been a day, maybe the all day on and off hiccup's had nothing to do with that but it is an early side effect 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyways, I'm heading to bed. I can barely keep my eyes open.

[rageonrageonrageon]

2 root canals done in a week, 20 hours traveled for said root canals, and today's my first day of medication. I figured I'd start a little journal to keep up with symptoms and see the progress over the next 2 weeks at least.

I'm starting

Abilify for antiphycotic

Metformin to counteract the weight gain from that

And Zoloft for anxiety/depression

I am worried about them making me sleepy so I am going to find a good time to take them. She agreed with my BPD diagnosis and says I need to find a DBT therapist ASAP so I'm going to look into that. I want 2026 to be the year I better myself, I'm hoping it can be done.

I will take my medication here soon, maybe around 1-2 idk yet. I'm nervous though.

[rageonrageonrageon]

I kinda went insane after being blocked by a guy I was flirting with. Why am I not good enough? Why am I fat and ugly and worthless. Why am I unlovable? What did I do to deserve this disorder. Why am I spiraling after only a day of talking to someone. Why do I get so attached to new people? Why is this bothering me so much. Why why why why why why

[rageonrageonrageon]

I might as well share how good my week has been because I usually only share the extremely dreadful. Monday I got a phyciatrist appointment set up for the 10th of June then I went to a See Black Veil Brides live and got to see and meet TX2 (which was absolutely amazing!!!), then I got to lay in bed and recover until today. Today I got taken to my favorite (and most expensive) sushi restaurant, got an edible, and going to the good 'ol Walmart after! Then Saturday my best friend is coming over to hang out. So yeah, good week. I haven't had many episodes either, which is great but means next week is gonna be baaaaaad.

[rageonrageonrageon]

I can't remember the last time a friend checked In on me. I'm spiraling all the time by myself. My almost husband always works, I have no close friends anymore, I'm always mad, I don't know what to do but kill myself. I have no reason to live.

[rageonrageonrageon]

I have. Friend since highschool and I get so excited to tell her things, how my doctors appointment went, what I done today, what the park was like, etc. Yet she never tells me a single thing unless I ask her directly about it. It makes me sad because I just want to connect like we use to. We use to always be that way together and now I feel that the friendship is very one sided. I know it is, it has been for a long time, but I miss who she was when we first became friends. 😔

[rageonrageonrageon]

Heading out to my intake, y'all wish me luck?

[rageonrageonrageon]

I go for an intake tomorrow for a physiatrist. I'm always so scared they'll say I'm fine and send me on my way. I've already been diagnosed with BPD multiple times so I know it's that but it's so stigmatized, I fear expressing who I am and what I feel because I'm scared I'll be turned against or put away when really I just need help, not serious mental hospital help. I don't know. Can anyone relate?

[rageonrageonrageon]

Not my friend mentioning a party and me spiraling because I've never been to a party and I'm 25 and boring and terrible and stupid and gross. What a spiral. Fuck.

[rageonrageonrageon]

I'm so fucking frustrated and up and crying and I just want it all to end I want it all to stop being so much and so hard I just want to end. I want to stop crying I want to calm down why am I like this

Everyone hates me I just want to die fuck please make it stop please

[rageonrageonrageon]

Half the shit I post is just Rage going through an episode. I end up not remembering it pretty much. I'd rather not remember it tbh