RAGS4LESS

I trade spice for crack.

[ragsforless]

Dune crack!au (5)

Feyd: Hey, Paul.

Paul: No.

Feyd: Husband dear?

Paul: Fine. What do you want now?

Feyd: Can I have my knives back?

Paul: No.

Feyd: Pretty please?

Paul: Still no.

Feyd: It’s been 2 months! I want my precious Giedi Prime knives back-

Paul: Not until you say sorry to Gurney and Stilgar.

Feyd: I did nothing wrong! I’m innocent!

Paul: You deliberately stole all of their clothes and made them into freaking tents and curtains!

Feyd: Actually, it was our dear

Princess Irulan who stole them.

Paul: That’s not the point!

Feyd: The point is that I, the gorgeous Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen was the one who made the sparkly sand proof tents and curtains-

Paul: Ugh. Muad’Dib, help me.

Feyd: My Lankiveil sewing skills are superior to-

Paul: F*ck your stupid Lankiveil sewing skills! Tell Gurney that you’re sorry right now!

Feyd: It was extremely hot and Irulan and I needed new curtains!

Paul: You could’ve just asked me for new ones instead of stealing Gurney’s galactic underpants-

Feyd: And ruin our yearly budget?! Our monthly savings?! The Arrakeen economy?! Not on my watch, husband. Not on my watch!

Paul: Feyd, babe, calm down-

Feyd: I want my knives back, Paul!

Paul: Give me one good reason-

Feyd: My daddy gave them to me.

Paul: Apologize first!

Feyd: I’m your wife!

Paul: And I’m the Emperor of the known universe!

Feyd: Fine! keep them! Burn them! Throw them away! I don’t care!

Paul: Feyd, listen-

Feyd: But I’m telling Irulan that you’re abusing your powers again.

Paul: No, not her! Don’t tell her-

Feyd: Irulan! Irulan, Paul is being a tyrannical control freak again!

Irulan: *runs in* Feyd, babe, are we in trouble?!

Feyd: Muad’Dib, no.

Irulan: Did our husband find out about our “math” business with Stilgar and his Fremen friends?!

Feyd: No, not yet.

Irulan: Oh, thank Muad’Dib.

Paul: But I’m Muad’Dib-

Feyd: Paul said that he’ll cancel our super secret ✨Music Nights with Shai-Hulud✨ and exclusive ✨Desert Festivals✨ again!

Irulan: *glares at Paul* You evil tyrant, how could you?!

Paul: I- I love ✨Music Nights with Shai-Hulud✨!

Feyd: You don’t even sing!

Paul: I do! I swear I do!

Irulan: Oh, stop changing the freaking subject, Paul!

Paul: Last I’ve checked, we’re still on the same page!

Irulan: You promised me that Feyd and I can sing freely in the desert with Stilgar every other night!

Feyd: Our dear husband also told me that the members of House Corrino are just a bunch of nerdy losers!

Paul: I- I was drunk!

Irulan: Chani! Chani, Paul is abusing his witchy powers again!

Chani: *walks in* Yo, what’s up, losers? How’s life?

Irulan: Our “beloved” husband said that your desert hair sucks!

Chani: He did not-

Irulan: He did!

Feyd: We’re telling the truth.

Paul: Chani bear, we all know that our dear “Drunk Irulan” and “Freaky Feyd-Rautha” are clearly lying-

Irulan: Drunk Irulan?! Who the f*ck is Drunk Irulan?!

Chani: Lol.

Feyd: Chani bear, your “Paular bear” also told me that you smell like a dying Shai-Hulud.

Chani: A what?!

Feyd: A dying ugly ass Shai-Hulud.

Paul: Chani-

Chani: Somebody is sleeping with the sandworms tonight!

Feyd: Yeah! The sandworms!

Irulan: Let’s go sandworms!

Paul: Ughhhh! I knew it! I knew I should’ve stayed single.

[ragsforless]

Dune crack!au (4)

Irulan: Hey, Feyd.

Feyd: Yes, princess?

Irulan: I’m bored.

Feyd: Do you want to play smash or pass again?

Irulan: Fremen Edition?

Feyd: Atreides.

Irulan: Fine. You go first.

Feyd: Duncan Idaho.

Irulan: Obviously, smash.

Feyd: Same. Now your turn.

Irulan: Lady Jessica? She’s

part of House Atreides, right?

Feyd: To be totally honest with you, she’s a closeted Harkonnen at heart but I’ll pass.

Irulan: Why? She’s very pretty.

Feyd: I don’t like space witches. They’re weird and very mean.

Irulan: Like mother, like son.

Feyd: She’s also my evil creepy uncle’s super secret daughter.

Irulan: *sighs* And our monster mother-in-law.😔

Feyd: Don’t remind me.

Irulan: Fine. Thufir Hawat.

Feyd: Pass. Mentats freak me out.

Irulan: Feyd, babe, I thought you like math?

Feyd: Of course I like meth. I even started selling a ton of meth to some of Chani’s fanatical Fremen friends for a very good price.

Irulan: Let me guess, Stilgar?

Feyd: He’s my business partner.

Irulan: Nevermind. Your turn.

Feyd: Doctor Yueh.

Irulan: Does he still counts as part of House Atreides?

Feyd: He tried to kill my creepy uncle and brother. So I guess, yes?

Irulan: Pass. He was married.

Feyd: Your turn.

Irulan: Duke Leto.

Feyd: NGL, I’ll marry, kiss, and smash that one.

Irulan: But isn’t he like your distant uncle or something?

Feyd: You do know that we’re all related to one another, right?

Irulan: Right. We’re all married to Paul. So let’s play another game.

Feyd: How about we annoy and ruin our husband’s very important, very crucial business meetings again?

Irulan: I wish we could, Feyd, but the last time we did that, Emperor “I’m so special, I’m the Lisan Al Gaib” Paul punished us severely-

Feyd: Severely?! He just forced us to water all of his “sacred” arrakis palm trees for 2 weeks!

Irulan: Well, he’s currently talking to that angry looking Gurney Halleck guy. So-

Feyd: All the better!

Irulan: Better? For you?

Feyd: Gurney Halleck hates me. So I want to ruin his day as well.

Irulan: To be fair, Feyd, Gurney only hates you because you’re a living breathing Harkonnen.

Feyd: No, he hates me because I’m obviously perfect and pretty.😌💅

[ragsforless]

Dune crack!au (3)

Paul: Stilgar, have you seen my wife?

Stilgar: Which one, your grace?

Paul: My beloved-

Stilgar: Princess Irulan? She’s currently drunk and dancing with her books in the library.

Paul: No, not her! My favorite wife!

Stilgar: Oh! Your darling Feyd!

Paul: My darling who?

Stilgar: Your crazy but super gorgeous Harkonnen “wife” is currently baking cookies in the kitchen-

Paul: He’s not my “darling” and he’s not my favorite wife!

Stilgar: Are you sure?

Paul: No comment.

Stilgar: That’s what I’ve thought.

Paul: Ugh. I meant my beloved Chani. Where’s my Chani?

Stilgar: She’s with Feyd.

Paul: She’s baking evil Harkonnen cookies with my Feyd?!

Stilgar: Fortunately, Chani doesn’t know how to bake but that’s not the point-

Paul: Fortunately?! Is she trying to burn down the kitchen again?!

Stilgar: More like steal and eat Feyd-Rautha’s evil cookies again.

Paul: *sighs* Why are they even hanging out and getting along?

Stilgar: Don’t ask me. I’m just your faithful servant while those two are your crazy concubines.

Paul: And that’s the problem, Stilgar! I didn’t want another crazy concubine!

Stilgar: Well, it’s not my fault that you chose the last hottest Harkonnen to be your 2nd concubine.

Paul: I didn’t have a choice!

Stilgar: Are you sure?

Paul: No comment.

Stilgar: Chani did say that Feyd’s cookies are better than our spice-

Paul: Blasphemy!

Chani: *walks in without a care* No, it’s true. Feyd bakes the best galactic Giedi Prime cookies ever.

Stilgar: As written.

Chani: Want one?

Paul: I’m allergic.😑

[jaxmos]

has anybody done this yet

[ragsforless]

Lady Jessica had one job.😔

[ragsforless]

Dune crack!au (2)

Paul: Chani.

Chani: Yes, Paul?

Paul: I love you and only you.

Chani: I love you too.

Paul: My only beloved-

Irulan: Hit it, Feyd!

Feyd: Anything for you, princess!

Paul: Why are you guys even here?! This is our royal bedroom!

Irulan: Yes, “our” royal bedroom. Mine, Feyd’s, Chani’s, and yours.

Paul: That’s not what we’ve agreed!

Irulan: You have been ignoring me and Feyd for the past 2 months!

Paul: Chani is my wife!

Irulan: I’m your legal wife!

Feyd: And I’m your gorgeous concubine number 2!

Chani: Yikes.

Feyd: *turns on the stereo* It’s time to sing, princess!

Paul: Not again!😩

Irulan: *starts singing* 🎶I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, oh🎶

Chani: Can I record-

Paul: No.

Chani: But-

Paul: I will literally die from embarrassment.

Feyd: *joins in* 🎶I'm right over here, why can't you see me?🎶

Chani: Oh-

Paul: Please, my love, don’t join them.😞

Chani: Why?

Paul: Their stupidity is quite contagious.

Irulan: 🎶And I'm giving it my all🎶

Feyd: 🎶But I'm not the guy you're taking home, ooh🎶

Irulan: 🎶I keep dancing on my own-

Jessica: *walks in* Could you fools please shut up?! It’s the middle of the night! I need my beauty sleep!

Feyd: Oh, Muad’Dib! The bloody witch is back!

Irulan: Run!🏃‍♀️

Feyd: Parkour!

Irulan: Don’t forget to grab the stereo, Feyd!

Jessica: I’m confiscating that!

Stilgar: *randomly appears out of nowhere* My lady, that’s not part of the prophecy!

Jessica: What prophecy?!

Stilgar: They have to finish the love song!

Jessica: I don’t care! Now give me that bloody stereo, boy!

Feyd: *hisses like a feral cat* Never, you witch!

Paul: Can you guys just get out of my bedroom already?!

Irulan: Our bedroom!

Paul: My bedroom!

Chani: Well, I’m just going to bed and sleep this weird fever dream off. Goodnight.

Feyd: Night.

Irulan: We’ll be back!

Chani: Whatever you say, loser.

[ragsforless]

Dune crack!au (1)

Paul: May thy knife chip and shatter-

Feyd: *starts singing* 🎶In another life, I would be your girl🎶

Paul: What?

Feyd: 🎶We keep all our promises, be us against the world🎶

Paul: I’m so confused right now.

Irulan: And I’m recording this.

Feyd: 🎶In another life, I would make you stay🎶

Chani: NGL, he has a great voice.

Stilgar: True.

Irulan: *is still recording* You’re doing great, Feyd!

Paul: Shouldn’t we be fighting-

Chani: Shush, Paul! Let him finish.

Paul: But-

Feyd: 🎶So I don't have to say you were the one that got away, The one that got away🎶

Paul:. . .

Jessica:. . .

Feyd: So how’s my singing?😀

Chani: I approve! You’re going to be our concubine number 2!

Feyd: Nice.

Irulan: Oh, great. A new roommate.

Stilgar: As written.

Paul: What?!

Jessica: I did not see that coming.

Mohiam: I did.