#crack post

[idkwhydoah]

[eosphoroz]

He looks insane I want to eat him.

[k4de3suxxx]

lil bloody mary doodles 🫪🫪🫪

[foerchen]

IN THE BATCAVE

Bruce: *sitting at Batcomputer minding his own business*

Jason: *getting ready for patrol*

Dick: *asks nicely*

Dick: Jay, could you hand me my escrimas?

Jason: *deadpans*

Jason: Go get them yourself, Dickface.

Tim: *walks in*

Tim: Jason, could you toss me my bo staff, please?

Jason: *no hesitation, tosses Tim his bo staff*

Dick: *shooketh*

Dick: Why do you help him and not me??? I'm your big bro, Little Wing!

Jason: Middle children have to stay together.

Dick: *confused af because Jay and Tim are his only brothers*

Tim: *curious*

Bruce: *frozen before turning around slowly*

Dick: Jason, you're the only middle child... right?

Jason: *laughs nervously*

Jason: Oh, would you look at that! Crime Alley is calling my name!

Jason: *runs*

---

SOMEWHERE IN NANDA PARBAT

Damian: *sneezes*

Damian: Somebody mentioned me.

---

LATER THAT EVENING

Talia: *on the phone with Bruce*

Talia: What! Me?! Hide a child of yours?!

Talia: *looks at Damian and a picture of Jason*

Talia: Never, Beloved.

[shinro-kun]

Zanka calling you on his choker to ask you the most important question in your relationship:

Zanka: "Be honest with me."

You: "Mm?"

Zanka: "Would you still kiss me with shit on my face?"

You: "Zanka, what the fuck are you talking about—"

Zanka: "ANSWER THE QUESTION."

You: "Why would you have shit on your face??"

Zanka: "Some newbie slung shit on me…"

You: "Ah."

Zanka: "…"

You: "…"

Zanka: "That's not a yes, and you're not answering the question."

You: "I love you, sweetheart. Stay safe on your way back."

Zanka: "ANSWER THE QUESTION—"

kill me rn i cant write properly still have this smidget

[ultraviolettefan]

Red Hood: "I think this plan is stupid."

Superman, knowing that Jason is just fucking with him at this point: "..."

Superman, finally losing his patience: "Let me tell you something, Red Hood."

Red Hood: "What."

Superman: "You may be playing chess, but I'm fucking your mom."

The Justice League: 😦

Batman: 🤦🏻‍♂️

Red Hood: "WHAT?!"

[blueaxolote]

But I'm gonna be honest. We need a story where neglected reader is adopted by Talia and Ra’s al Ghul. Like, how funny would it be if, after Damian comes to the mansion, Talia shows up for a mother and son date, but her little gremlin totally stands her up.

She isn’t mad, just disappointed that her son is buying into Bruce’s dramatics. She respects that he can’t kill criminals, but he completely loses his mind because her family does. She should have known he was like all Americans... preaching respect until it doesn’t fit his standards.

She’s about to leave when she sees Bruce’s daughter—the civilian one, the one her beloved left outside his inner circle.

Her reserve is for two people, and two people will go.

"Child, come. We are going to have dinner."

"What?"

"And then we are going to the opera to see Madame Butterfly."

"I’m sold."

Reader had asked for tickets, but Bruce forgot.

Talia was ready to be tolerant, but she ends up setting another date and calling her beloved’s daughter almost every week.

She loves Damian, but she finds herself enjoying being a mom’s girl very much. Damian’s sister has a sensitivity her son lacks.

Some of Talia’s old clothes end up in her dresser. When summer comes, Talia invites her to Nepal; her beloved thinks she’s going to a summer camp, but Talia starts training their daughter. She can bear that she’s a civilian, but not that she’s defenseless.

Still, they take time to do a mini tour all around Asia, tasting local cuisine and shopping for clothes that actually fit her daughter.

Ra’s is curious but not really interested at first.

"So you are the detective’s runt."

"Unwanted, you mean."

"And that doesn’t bother you?" he asks, intrigued.

"I’ve decided my best vengeance is being unbothered by it."

He smiles briefly.

"What would the detective say if he knew you lingered with my daughter?"

"Sir, if you want a video reaction when he finds out, just pay me."

He sends her $10,000 when she ends up sending him high-resolution footage.

To everyone’s confusion—except Talia—Ra’s al Ghul acts like a normal grandpa when he’s around reader.

When Damian finds out, he accuses her of trying to steal his position as heir (he knows he’s already lost it, but he’s jealous). She looks at him like he’s dumb.

"Why would I be the heir when I’m the favorite grandchild?" she asks. "The heir thing is just some game gramps plays for fun. Why would he need one when he’s basically immortal with no plans of dying?"

That pretty much silences Damian for a long time.

No one understands their relationship. She’s welcome to join the League of Assassins, but it’s okay if she doesn’t, they still want her around.

And you know how messed up it is that Ra’s knows more about Bruce’s daughter than the detective himself? Ra’s al Ghul enjoys very much throwing it in his face.