When I first started making decent money it was terrifying.
I knew intellectually that I had money but poverty brain never really goes away. Large purchases were to be avoided at all costs.
I found a necklace I liked and agonized over it for months because I didn’t need it. It was only beautiful and compelling to me. It was $300. When I finally bought it I broke out into a sweat and felt physically ill. But I also loved it with all my heart. Still do.
It was easier, I found, the put my new funds into concrete items of use. I could spend $200 on boots with the wisdom of Vimes at my back reassuring me that investing upfront meant I would spend less on shoes over time.
I was able to buy a Roomba and Dyson without batting an eye. These were useful items. Throwing gobs of money at my car payment was equally simple. I needed my car. It is supremely useful.
Despite the fact that clothes are also useful they remain one of the hardest things for me to spend money on.
When I first began dating my beloved I desperately needed new clothes. The trouble with thrift shopping was that I kept winding up with clothing that was already worn down. I had a nice job and needed to look nice. Thus I needed clothes.
My beloved steered me into a store in the mall to shop. This was scandalous. I dutifully did not look at price tags. I tried on many clothes and I liked so many of them. Things that were new. Things that fit me. But also a luxury. An expense.
When we got up to the cash register I started panicking. In my wallet was a wad of cash; I didn’t even need to pull out a debit card. I watched the lovely items I’d picked out be scanned and the total went up so fast I wanted to flee.
I turned to my beloved, panic writ large on my face, and said, “I don’t think I can do this.”
“Do you want these clothes?” they asked calmly.
“You can afford them. You told me how much is in your wallet.”
I made a sound of pure distress and then I handed them my wallet. “I’m going to wait outside?”
My beloved took it. They stood at the register and didn’t flinch. From outside the store I watched them laugh with the girl ringing us up over my nerves. They came out and handed me the bag and I was almost entirely happy.
Fortunes come and go. I make less now, money is tight once again, and clothes need to be purchased. As a student I salivated over my salamander jacket for years. I was back to being broke. How could I justify that cost? It wasn’t like a nice pair of boots! Although when it came time to replace those recently I still struggled.
Today we had to buy clothes. But I was able to hand over the card myself. And once again I’m almost entirely happy.
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