Today, I feel sad.
Sad for so many reasons.
Because I’m a fan who only witnessed one month of the band’s active era. Because I wasn’t part of the fan projects, the votes, the chaos, the community. Because I never held a concert ticket in my hand. Because I didn’t find them earlier.
And most of all — because I’ll never see them together again. Because Liam is no longer here.
The grief still lives in me. It doesn’t fade with time — it simply becomes part of who I am.
Because after Liam’s passing, everything changed.
Maybe, deep down, I still held on to hope — that one day they’d reunite, even just for one song. That maybe I’d see them live, even from afar.
But those dreams are now part of the past. Even if they stand together one day — it won’t be the same without Liam.
And yet, alongside all this sadness — today, I also feel grateful.
Because One Direction helped shape the person I am.
I found them when I was 15 — right at the moment in life when everything feels loud and overwhelming, when you’re trying to figure out who you are. They became my safe place. My anchor. My light in the darkest hours of my teenage years and early twenties. I grew up with them.
And even though it hurts so much now — even though these memories sometimes feel like they tear me apart — I’d live through it all again. Because back then, they were my warmth, my comfort, my joy.
Liam’s death changed everything.
It shattered something in me.
And I can’t even begin to imagine the pain his family, friends, and boys went through.
But even from the perspective of a fan — it was devastating.
And I’m still healing.
There’s a lyric from their song that meant a lot to me ten years ago — and now it hits harder than ever:
“If I didn’t have you, there would be nothing left
The shell of a man that could never be his best
If I didn’t have you, I’d never see the sun
You taught me how to be someone”
That’s what they did for me.
That’s how they changed me.
That’s how much I love them.
They taught me how to be someone. How to feel. How to keep going.
And that will never be taken away. Even if they’re no longer here — a piece of them lives on in me.
Today, I’m grieving.
But I’m also endlessly thankful.
Because that was love.
And it still is.
Because memory lives.
Because legacy remains.
Before the actual anniversary starts I just have to sort of get something off my chest so to speak.
I have said, and I will maintain- that Liam was the heart and soul of One Direction. I don’t believe that the 1D I knew and loved with my whole heart still exists. It is gone. And that is… hard. And sad. As we celebrate and remember the 15 year anniversary of the formation of our favorite band of thieves, our celebration is deeply steeped in grief. And I think it’s important to make space for that.
We have lost people on this journey of course. Fans, families, and now a band member. Each one devastating in its own right- but the loss of one of the five looms over this anniversary, these memories, this home we’ve found.
So. I will make time for my grief, but not my defeat. I wholeheartedly believe that Liam would want us to come together, to remember what was, to drink in the nostalgia, to celebrate the boys and their legacies, and most importantly to celebrate and love on each other, and this community we’ve built together.
It was Liam who said how much it meant to him that we found each other through the band. It was Liam who so often checked in on us, who connected with us, who championed the band and their legacy, who promoted fan art and fandom connections and inside fandom jokes. And so it is in Liam’s spirit and in Liam’s memory we commemorate this moment.
So here’s to 15 Years, One Direction. And here’s to Liam Payne. Thank you, for everything. We love you. 💜
I wasn't going to make a post today for the 15th anniversary, but i coincidentally just began listening to one direction's discography again in full for the first time since Liam's passing without realizing the anniversary was coming up. and so many memories associated with these albums began bubbling up.
for those who weren't around when the band was active, i think it's difficult to really express how it felt to be part of something so... lightning in a bottle... as this band was. for many of us, one direction has our Youth. when we think back to our teens/early twenties we think about them. when we think of some of the happiest, most absurd, most seretonin filled times of our lives they are part of that, and nothing can ever untangle them from being such an integral piece of our growing up. and its oddly beautiful to have a relationship so significant like that with strangers because they were the soundtrack to our Youth.
staying up late to watch six second vines of an entire two hour concert. racing to download the songs to our computers when the brazillian youth would leak the albums before they were erased from the internet. going into any store and being bombarded with anything that brands could stick their faces onto. the chaos that was 1D Day. the launch of those cursed perfume ads. collectively hating so many of the men who surrounded the boys. showing up to the theater to see This is Us or experience the MITAM listening parties. the signings that would have so many (now iconic) interactions with fans. having so many shit posts day in and day out about things the boys did that day because they were always doing something so there was always something to talk about. screaming at the TV when they won awards and suffering through red carpets to see their collective looks. bullying them relentlessy. anticipating their tweets or vines or random Q+A's. constantly quoting their interviews like they were inside jokes. staying up late to see them perform on SNL. the pandemonium of carpool karaoke and tattoo roulette. having several nicknames for each one depending on the month. the running jokes we had that the boys were in on (i genuinely dont believe, we as a fandom, have been funnier than we were from 2010-2016.) the adrenaline rush as we finally pressed play on new music and dissecting who was singing what and what the lyrics meant.
i look back on it now, and i don't think it could be replicated. one direction genuinely lived in such a specific time where the universe had to align in so many ways for them to exist the way they did. we got 1D as soon as the internet was truly taking off. Social media really boomed around the time that One Direction came onto the scene. they, in some ways, represent so many aspects of early internet culture. there wasn't all this instant access or quick links when they were at their prime. they were one of the biggest bands in the world and although they catered to their fans heavily, there was still a distance had between them and us. drops were still special. any type of social media interaction was felt for days. fan projects were heard around the world because we all came out in droves. getting livestreams from them was rare but exciting. in the modern age of digital media, i don't think the spark would feel the same because we have so much access to stars now and everyone is forced to promote themselves relentlessly on tiktok or instagram- like imagine every boy having their own independent tiktok account and the drama that would occur because of it. things still felt so innocent and exciting in the fan-artist relationship bubble, and i just don't think the relationship they had with us and how we think of that time period would even remotely be the same if they existed in the industry climate of today. it was a short, magical period of the internet that im fortunate i was able to witness alongside their rise.
and their music. honestly, even years later their music fucking ruled. you look at all these carefully-curated modern boybands trying to catch that same momentum and see how hit and miss their music is. how generic it sounds. how cold and surgical it feels. one direction was the epitome of an apologetic boyband who sounded super sugary-pop before they evolved into their own songwriting and influencing their sound with all of their different music tastes and it felt human because it was. it was feverish and silly but also super slick and catchy and full of emotion and texture. it acts as a sonic photobook of their growth as a band as they found their footing in the industry. and they were great. they were talented. their albums ripped. they were on top for a reason, and i think people forget how unapologetic and strong their music was regardless of how you felt about them as a boyband because they did it their way and they didn't care what anyone thought about it. as i dove back into their discography this past week, you can sense all that in how their music makes you feel when you listen to it. and i think anytime i hear their music, i will feel like that for the rest of my life.
ive had a very difficult time processing liam's death this past year (as most of us have) and the finality of that when it comes to the band- as it should be. it will never be the same. and i've fought myself for years after the band went on hiatus about how some of my favorite memories of my Youth are tied to a band who have talked at length about the abuse and darkness they dealt with at such a young age by being in that band. but, ive learned to live in the grey of it all because they've also talked about all the fun they had. all the laughs they had. all the experiences they had that no one will understand but each other. all the love they gave and we gave back to them. because in some ways, even through the tougher times, there was light and i genuinely believe them when they said that they couldn't have done it without the fans. and i hate everything to do with the parasocial aspect of fame, but we were a unit. it didn't feel cheap when they said it. it didn't feel scripted. we both grew up together on this wild journey they had as they rose to fame, and we had fun together. we laughed together. we cried together. we made fun of each other. last year... we mourned together. we were part of this moment in time together, and i think that's why they are so fiercely loyal to their fans. when everything else sucked, that relationship never did.
so as we raise a glass to 15 years of this band and these guys and these memories and all the music, i want to celebrate everything they represented for so many of us throughout the years and confidently remind everyone that you shouldn't feel shame about the love you had for them when they were struggling. the serotonin you felt during times that maybe they weren't. because at the end of the day, we were a family. a huge, crazy, dumb, beautiful, intelligent, exciting family, and i know they appreciated us just like we did them. and i am so grateful for them and what they brought to my life.
because from the bottom of the stairs, to the top of the charts.... for ever and always. One band. One Dream. One Direction.
Today is 15 years since One Direction was formed as a band.
I had so many ideas of how this day would go. There would be celebration and nostalgia and minimal fighting because in the end, most of us all started in the same place - loving five working class boys from the UK/Ireland who wanted to sing. And even though I’m sure these things will still happen, there’s a piece missing.
This past year has been one of overwhelming grief and disbelief and a minuscule hope that it was all a dream. Leading up to this day, I wasn’t even sure what I was supposed to say or do or feel because even though I’m happy and excited to celebrate, I’m also just sad. It’s bittersweet, something I never thought a 1D anniversary could be.
Looking back on the last 15 years, I can see the beauty of what we created together. But I can also see the cracks, the brokenness, the lack of community that has crept in, and it makes me wonder what it would have been like if I’d never accidentally stumbled upon X factor on the TV in my parents’ basement when I was 14.
Would I be happier?
Would I hold less grief in my heart?
Would I still be me?
But in all honesty, even if I knew the outcome, I would go back and do it all again. The all nighters, the Ticketmaster wars, the fan fights and the concert projects and the charities and watching the opening show of each tour through seven second vines. The good and the bad and the love and the anger and the grief. Because it was messy and real and beautiful and it changed my entire life for the better. I’ve met some of my best friends through these boys. I’ve traveled across state lines and oceans. I’ve been moved by words and beats and melodies in stadiums and in the comfort of my own bed. I’ve learned compassion and true love and what it means to be something in a world that wants you to feel like you’re nothing.
What our boys had was pure magic. It changed the world. They changed the world. And we were lucky enough to be changed right along with it.
the 5th anniversary of 1d was overlapped with zayn leaving and ot4 and babygate and hiatus rumours and was just weird and bizarre (read regular day in 1dcu)
the 10th anniversary had reunions of old fans coming back during one of the worst phases of their life and cheering on the boys during the pandemic with niall and liam doing livestreams and online shows and again weird and bizarre rumours and just chaos (i think simon cowell broke his back? was it that year?) but it was fun.
the 15th is hard. i don't know where to begin. i've already had a tough time processing the fact that liam's not here anymore, he'll never come back. he lives through his legacy and it's a day to honour a part of his legacy, the band. i don't care what the motivation was, but he was always there. every year, every anniversary, every fucking time, he wished us and the boys and looked back fondly on the memories. i don't know if anyone will post this year, and to be very honest, i don't know if i will look forward to it as eagerly as i used to.
I'm glad to have you all, I'm glad for the community they've managed to build on the internet as powerful and wonderful as this one. we have our ups and downs, but i love being a part of it.
Happy 15th anniversary One Direction! thank you for making my teenage years some of the best times of my life.
it’s supposed to be a celebration — and in many ways, it still is. but this one… this one hits different.
this isn’t the version of the 15th anniversary we dreamed about in 2015. back then we still said hiatus like it meant something temporary. we never factored in loss.
and now we’re here. fifteen years in. older. softer. a little bruised.
and in my case, for the first time, i’m here vocally. not hiding behind anons. not lurking quietly while everyone else carries the weight. i’m just… here. saying it out loud.
this band changed my life. these boys (as messy and human and chaotic as they are) changed everything.
so tomorrow, whether you’re lighting a candle or blasting “no control” or just texting a mutual to say hey i’m thinking of you, do something kind. something liam would’ve done.
hold the door open. donate if you can. say sorry. forgive someone. tell someone you love them.
💙💚happy 15 years, one direction. ❤️💛
thank you for giving your youth to be the soundtrack for ours.
thank you for the grueling, sleepless schedules. the jet lag. the lost voices. thank you for navigating shark-infested waters — lawyers, contracts, cameras, lies — with nothing but each other and a dream that was never fully yours to control.
thank you for the lives you saved. for the fans who made it through the darkest parts of growing up because your music said you’re not alone. thank you for being that lifeline. for holding space. for showing us what love (messy, imperfect, loud) can look like.
some of those fans are doctors now. lawyers. teachers. authors. artists. people who build things. fix things. protect people. and they’re here because of you.
thank you for changing the world. even if it never said thank you back. we will. always.
❤️and thank you, liam james payne. for staying as long as you did. you’re missed. you’re loved. we’re still singing. for you. always. fly as high as the wings on your skin will take you. 🪶
legacy. this is a word i've thought about a lot in these past months. and as we're here, celebrating 15 years of one direction while also mourning the loss of liam, it's a word that brings me confort.
because what they've built is something that's standing the test of time, it's something immortal that lives through them and through us.
they've created songs that still speak to old and new fans, they've created a community that, even if imperfect, is there for each other. they've created bonds between them that are not easily broken.
even through all they've been through, even with all the scars that left on them, i don't think they've ever regretted going on that journey together. and making that journey with us at their backs, cheering them on.
and yeah, it's a bittersweet moment, and things are never gonna be the same again. but i find comfort in knowing that their legacy, that liam's legacy, will always be filled with the joy they felt on that stage, with the emotions they made us feel. that it and him will always live in our hearts and minds, and in those other 4 boys forever. all the lives they've touched with their words and their kindness will forever be stitched with their memories.
maybe not all of us are there yet, maybe not even the boys, but one day... one day that sadness will not be there alone. will not be as potent and leave us drained. one day there will be joy too, there will be comfort. and if you're there already, that's good too. let it all in, let it sit in your chest and bring a smile through the tears.
and whether or not louis, harry, niall and zayn will ever feel right being on a stage together without liam, we'll be here, always having their backs, always cheering them on and remembering liam with them. letting our voice sing loud and clear and we will mourn and rejoice together.
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