She closed her eyes as she felt the wind rush past her into the oblivion. Her hair covered her eyes as they blew in different direction but she couldnât be bothered to remove them. Her hands felt heavy to move and the task pulling her hair back felt like a big effort.
She saw his silhouette coming closer and hugged herself. She knew this wasnât going to be easy. How could she have thought that she had walked out of the room easily and that was it? It was never one way with him. She knew that. He always needed to have the last word.
âYou are leaving,â He panted out. He needed to breath, she could tell because he was easy to read. The frown over his eyes and his flaring nostrils told her whatever she needed to hear. He wasnât a man of much words but his face was.
She breathed out. âYeah.â
âJust like that,â He gestured towards nothing in particular. She just watched him with silent eyes as he bent down to catch his breath, heaving out heavy breaths. âWith just one goodbye.â
She didnât say anything. She didnât need toâno words would have explained to him how she had felt. He wouldnât understand. He wasnât the one who had stared at the broken mirror and spent hours trying to fix it. He wasnât the one who got the cuts from the shattered pieces of the glass, he wasnât the one who had cradled the broken pieces to his heart and cried with hope that if there was a God, he would fix it. He wasnât the one who had realised that he didnât matter without her. He mattered, he always mattered. She didnât.
He walked forward and held her shoulders. She hated the way her body shivered with just one touch and the way her hands begged to touch himâhold him. Even if it was just one time, she needed to feel his chest against her, feel him breath against her neck. How would she ever survive a life without it if she couldnât survive an hour?
âPlease,â He whispered. âCome home. We can fix it. Whatever happened, I will fix it. I promise.â
He shook her head and his grip tightened. âNo, I can. I will fix it. I can.â
She stepped closer and closed her eyes. âYou canât undo it.â
âWhat did I do?â He was close to tears. She could tell. She couldnât stop as she wrapped her arms around his waist. She needed to remember it all. She couldnât let go just yet.
She grabbed his shirt, feeling the fabric under her hands. It was silkâsomething they had both bought together. He had never liked silk but she had told him he would love it. And he did. Of course he did. She knew him like he didnât know himself.
He shook his head and hugged her. She inhaled. Her hands wrapped behind his back and she felt his hands in her hair. She couldnât open her eyes even though she wanted to. It was as if her body had asked her to feel the moment, not see it. Feelings, we forget. Images? They stick.
âI donât want to let go.â She whispered, tightening her hold on him. She felt his tear drop on her neck. He was crying now. Why wasnât she? She owed him that much.
âThen donât,â He whispered back. âPlease. Donât let go. Just stay.â
She smiled sadly at the request. âI canât stay.â
She laughed. She felt her throat closing in. Her head pounded due to holding back the tears she knew needed to fall out. Why was she acting strong? Because one of us has to be, she thought.
âYou are perfect,â She held on tighter. âYou are so perfect that I sometimes start to wonder if perfect could evolve to be something better that can define you.â
He choked back a sob. âPlease donât leave me.â
She moved her head away from his shoulder and looked at his face. His eyes were red, so were his cheeks. His lips shone in the summer light. She looked into his glazed over eyes and smiled lightly, watching as another tear dropped down.
She moved her hand and wiped it away, holding his face in her hand. He had soft skin. Even though she had touched it multiple times, it still felt new. She was going to miss the softness.
âIf I stay here with you,â She spoke slowly. âIf I donât leave now. I will lose myself.â
âNo, you wonât.â He hurried out.
She smiled, caressing his face with her thumb. His eyelids fluttered against the touch. âI will. I am a part of you. I donât know who I am as an individual. I need to go so I can love myself.â
âI can give you space,â He said. âI will move out. I will move my desk, my work. I will change everything. I can make this okay. Please, let me.â
She nodded. âI know you can make this okay. But, I donât want you to.â
âWhy are you giving up so easily?â
âI am not,â She whispered. âI stayed for as long as I could. I canât anymore. I love you. I love you very much.â
âBut I donât love myself. I need to leave so I can love myself.â
He leaned forward. She waited as he inched closer. His move had caution in it. She saw as his eyes shut, letting more tears flow. She closed her eyes as wellâwaiting for him. Feelings we forget, she chanted inside her head. Feelings are never remembered. Only images stick.
His lips touched hers and she gasped. She felt as the tears flowed out, getting mixed with his. She was wrong. She wonât ever forget this. She couldnât. She grabbed his shirt between her fingers and tilted her head. She could feel his hands in her hair, grabbing onto them.
The kiss was desperate, sad and miserable. Yet, it was everything she could have asked for. This was worth crying for. He was worth crying for. He deserves the tears, she thought as more tears fell out of her eyes.
âI am sorry I wasnât enough.â He whispered against her lips.
She pulled away, letting her forehead stay against his. They breathed outâthe moment stayed in between their locked foreheads. It stayed and felt warm. Parting would mean letting the moment go and she wasnât ready yet.
âYou were everything I could ever ask for.â She said. She worried for a moment that he wasnât able to hear her but he did. She knew because she heard his sharp inhale. âI am going to miss you so much. More than I can express.â
âAnd,â She opened her eyes. Her eyes took in his panting, tear stained face. He looked beautiful even when he looked like a mess. âI am sorry for leaving. I am sorry that I couldnât fight anymore.â
âItâs okay,â He nodded. She wondered if he was refusing to open his eyes to make it easier. âI will let you go on one condition.â
âYou come back to me when you are done.â He finally opened his eyes. His eyes shone with his lips. He blinked. âWhen you are finally you. Completely. The âyouâ you love. Come back to me so I can love you as well.â
âI..â She felt the tears get back. He just wanted one thing, she should give him that. But, false hope sucked more than no hope. She would rather leave him with no hope than false hope. She couldnât. âI..â
âI know,â He whispered. âI know. But, please. Lie to me.â
She brought her hands up to his face and traced his cheeks with her fingers, remembering the shape of his face.
âI wish it was raining.â He chuckled wetly. She looked up at the sky at the shining sun and the white clouds. The blue expanded through the whole skyâalmost watching down at their moment.
âI think,â She looked at him again. âIt will rain.â
âIt will?â He grinned against the tears.
She nodded and wiped them away. âIt will.â
He smiled sadly and let go of her hair. She stumbled as his weight left hers and she was left alone, standing with her hands outâhands that inched to hold him again. It is too early, she cried inside her head. Please, two more minutes.
He sniffed and nodded. She could feel it. She could feel the moment slip away slowly. She could almost see it leave and merge with the blue of the sky. The moment was leaving and so was she. He knew they wouldnât return and she knew that he knew. Maybe the sky knew as well.
âYou are good at lying.â He whispered.
âI am sorry,â She cried out. âPlease. I am sorry.â
âI hope it doesnât rain.â He said as he turned out and walked away.
She hugged herself again, feeling the tears drop from her face onto the pavement under her. Her knees buckled as she fell on the floor, watching as he walked away. His silhouette disappeared from her view and all she could do was stare at it go away. If this was a movie, it would have rained. It would have rained and he would have come backâthey would have preserved the moment for a little while more. They would have stayed in the rain and she would have apologized for thinking about leaving.
But, it wasnât a movie because as she sat on her knees on the pavement, the sun laughed at her and the blue reflected off of her. Â