Finding the resting place
I was recently doing a yin yoga class after a phase with a lot of activity, and even afterwards as I was just going about my day and my work, I kept hearing the still small voice with a gentle authority saying to me “find your resting place”. And I realized, just like in yoga, as poses come up where I do not feel comfortable or may experience discomfort, when I allow myself to rest with it and surrender, rather than struggle, the suffering eases. And so it is in life.
I spent so many years escaping pain by numbing it with alcohol and though this may have numbed the symptoms for a while, my drinking was creating more suffering, because I was stuck in a cycle of resisting my pain. I was only creating an illusion of a safe resting place while escaping the very wounds that truly needed my love and attention.
But that was the whole idea, the root of my suffering was within me, and when I drank, I was under the illusion that I could escape from the bondage of self for a moment, although of course, I paid a high price for that illusive escape; every time I returned from a drinking binge I returned a little bit more broken, a little bit more afraid and little bit more ashamed. In recovery we say we hit bottom when we stop digging and I am so grateful the day came when I realized I had a desire to quit drinking and quit digging for a deeper bottom than I already had.
I’ve been sober for 7 years and 7 months now, and although being sober in itself is a magical journey, life still happens on life’s terms. Situations come up where I experience pain, stress, anxiety, fear, restlessness, irritability, discontentment, disappointment….ESPECIALLY, if I lose focus on my recovery. I know I’m sober only for today, from moment to moment and alcoholism is powerful. Ego is powerful, and it can strike at any moment. If my reaction is to strike back or run from it I exhaust myself. I need that resting place. But it means I sometimes have to rest in discomfort and I sometimes have to rest in and accept pain. But when I do that, when I rest with the discomfort and give my feelings space, I can go below the armor of anger or blame and sink into the sadness below, and find rest in that.
The feelings I escaped from, anger, shame, helplessness, despair, fear, hidden deep in the cave, they are not monsters to be battled against or escaped from, they are just baby dragons who need to be loved, nurtured and raised. When I show up for that job, these dragons have so much to teach me, and I find that when I can rest with them, they can rest with me. Deep within my heart there is a spark that never goes out, that nothing can put out, it may take a while to access, or it can be an instant, sometimes willingness to go there is lacking when Ego gets in the way, but it’s there, it’s always there, the temple within, the power to heal.
And Elizabeth Gilbert is right; the resting place of the mind is the heart. Sometimes we need a lot of willingness and courage to dare go below the armor of our Ego in order to access it, but it’s always there, the sacred space, the resting place. And within that space, there is room and love for all.
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