ever since i saw 2 guys kissing 4 months ago, and it hit me even harder just how boring my life is, i've been trying to make it a little more fun. and not just in the romantic way.
so, this started, pretty much, almost 10 years ago, when i had the most devastating friendship breakup of my life, truly catastrophic in ways that is actually not normal or healthy.
unfortunately life can be like a henhouse ladder, and i was really in a bad place in every aspect. because of my past trauma, i had absolutely no idea how to talk to or meet people. so i just didn't. it didn't help i was in rural germany, which, no offense, is not a place where you can easily befriend people. because of my anxious and introverted nature, i needed to be adopted, and i was the least adoptable person around.
then i moved to the big city, where i thought i'd have a better time meeting people. as it turns out, everyone is trying to meet people there. but they want to meet the perfect person. they want instant chemistry and full compatibility. you can't really get there with 1h small talk. i felt incredibly lonely there, i had no clue how to reach people. my job was horrible, my routine was a mess, i didn't eat properly and i didn't sleep properly. it became a nightmare by the end.
i came back to portugal determined to make friends and enjoy life. i came to portugal at the end 2019. pandemic hits, everything closes, no chance at all to ever do normal things again.
i did reconnect with my uni friends, and i love them still.
i started working, then i bought an appartment. work became very intense with workplace drama, but i did make friends there. work friends exclusively (and hopefully they stay that way), but at least they make being there bareable. but i was too tired to think of doing anything after work or even on the weekends.
i met some online friends and i still keep in touch, but they all live far away and we barely see each other.
one day, i got tired of being a complete loser with an unfinished masters, so i decided to start another masters. working 40h/week and studying full time. it went well (i'm working on my dissertation now, not going so well, but i have to get it done). i also decided to join a choir. i was constantly tired but it was worth it. i burned bridges with the lesbians of my city, but that's a different story.
as it turns out, i have an autoimmune illness. after taking medication for a while, i realized sleeping 14h on the weekends wasn't normal.
so this made me want to start doing something with this body of mine. the brain is starting to feel good, the body needs to catch up.
because i know myself enough, i knew i just needed the right motivation. it came with an instagram post advertising beginner adult ballet classes. at first, i had a schedule incompatibility and i was very sad i couldn't sign up. a few months later, i saw the same post with a different schedule. immediately signed up for a test class. i was in love from the first moment. obviously i have realistic expectations: i'm not going to dance at the paris opera, i'm doing it for the joy of the movement. i love how elegant is, how much it corrects your posture, how much strength an flexibility is necessary to do things that look simple. i'm not motivated by ambition, but by the joy doing it brings. which is how i felt about ballet as a child. i absolutely hated the fact that we had to do exams at the end of the year, with the threat of being forced to quit if we didn't pass. all i wanted was to learn and be better, i did not want some english lady to come here and tell me i can't dance anymore. so i took myself out of the equation, even though i loved it. i was a complicated 6 year old, i guess.
then i saw 2 boys kiss. everyone is still very confused about how this stupid show had this effect on people, particularly middle aged women. i talked about it with friends only for them to tell me they hated it, which was heartbreaking. and made me obsess about it even more. trying to learn why i loved it so much made me hyperfocus on it. in ways that truly hurt my day to day obligations. but then i found community. gorgeous, successful, smart and funny women are also obsessed with this show. it can't be that bad, then. another effect it had was making me really want to like myself. it helped me forgive my choices. it made me want to actually try to transform my body to be what i'd want it to be. and since i can't be tiny or curvy, i can be strong. i complain about my genetics, but one thing that i have is a strong build. the one good thing i get from both sides of the family is the ability to grow muscle.
i also want to be more brave when approaching people. i can't be afraid to let them know i like them and their company. i have to be ok with touching and being touched. i am allowed to admire and be fascinated. i've been learning how disarming a compliment can be. or an off-hand joke. these are skills people develop in their teens, but i was so fucked in the head that i couldn't do it. and it sucks that it is so obvious. but another thing i notice, is that i'm not alone in this journey. and in many other aspects, like self soothing, placating, deflecting, conflict resolution, deescalating, etc, i'm a few steps ahead.
making peace with the fact that i still have a long way to go to feel good, but it truly has to be done, no matter how embarrassingly, is what this stupid show has given me. i think we really needed to see that vulnerability and courage to move things forward in ourselves. i think it being two hot guys doing it helped, but that's not the sole reason why it changed us.
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