Fuck this post, I thought I just needed my glasses to see this and so I put them on only to find they didn’t help a smidge! Cock, I spent a good half hour cleaning and squinting, taking my glasses off and then back on my face trying to register this fuck-mural. I walked half way across town to my optometrist because I didn’t think I was fit to drive since my glasses didn’t work. Only after I waited an hour to see the doctor, waiting in the doctor room did I realize my vision was perfectly fine and the picture here is INTENTIONALLY OUT OF FOCUS!!! who the fuck does that kind of bull-cock to someone?!?1? And so I had to leave the optometrist’s office through the window in order to avoid an awkward encounter on my way out.
By the time I got home the optometrist’s office called regarding my absence. I didn’t call back, in fact I unplugged my phone and internet router. I closed all my curtains, cooked some hot pockets and played some video games. Eventually I heard a knock on the door and through the peephole I saw my friend Chuck, he probably wanted to hang out because he had to do work for law school. Chuck wants to be a lawyer, or rather he thinks he has to be a lawyer because everyone in his family is doctors and he wants to be different but he’s too afraid of being lesser than them and he thinks doctors and lawyers are about equal. I wanted to tell Chuck to quit law school and become a marine biologist before he spends any more money or time on law school and not his real dream. I didn’t though, I would have but the optometrist might have sent him and I couldn’t let the optometrist know I snuck out of the office and went back home.
In order to save myself the embarrassment I let Chuck ring the bell, knock on the door, ring again, call by home phone (which was unplugged of course), call my cell phone, leave a message saying he really needed to talk to me, which was pretty much proof the optometrist sent him because Chuck never “really needs” to do anything. I sat inside and watched Chuck through the peep hole as he got in his car and drove away. I stood by the door for a while feeling bad, but Chuck would understand.
Over the next few days people kept trying to contact me. You never understand how many people try to talk to you until you have to avoid them, inside my house I began to run out of hot pockets and the like. The next few weeks I’ve been running out of things I can convince myself are edible and more and more messages I get refer to my absence from the outside world. The longer I stay inside the harder it is to admit why. I tried to stay sane by working in my short stories.
Eventually I needed some food. I left in the middle of the night and boarded a greyhound to the next city over. When I got there I found the Costco didn’t open until 10:00 so I slept on a bench until then. When I woke up I was delirious from hunger. I went into the store and bought one of those bread things that have chicken or something in them, it was good but not the kind of good that you would enjoy when you’re totally conscious.
When I was there I bought as much non perishable food as the two dufflebags I brought along could hold, and my stomach with as many free samples are I could. Half way through the line to the checkout I realized I’d need my membership card, which I had but if I used it the police would be able to track it if they were looking for me. I walked out of the line as nonchalantly as I could. Pretending I perhaps forgot some food I meant to buy. Six months of improve class payed off as I made my way to the back where I found suspiciously few security features, and headed out the fire exit.
With the fire alarm off it was easy to run off into the fields next to the store. Although jumping the small wall protecting the parking lot from the fields was difficult with two dufflebags on my back. “Crossing over from the parking lot to the tomato field felt like crossing over from the man made world to the natural world. To be totally honest is to admit this symbolism is in fact wildly inaccurate. The tomatoes were put there just as the parking lot asphalt was, the form of the modern tomato is just as altered by humanity as asphalt is . Through selective breeding and genetic modification in the case of the tomato, and I don’t really know how asphalt is made, but I’m sure it’s not natural
"Plants are the most widely accepted symbol for nature even though rocks are just as natural as plants are. The entire universe is natural it’s rather strange to think humans are not. Humans change the landscape dramatically, the entire earth is affected by humanity but the earth is effected by plants much more that humans. Without plants the earth would be entirely different and life would differ quite drastically then it does i this reality, given there’s any life at all."
The scarecrow I was talking to didn’t make a sound
"Questioning the meaning of nature is really silly actually. When you’re on a universal scale it might make sense to include humanity in nature, but it’s not very useful. A word that describes a quality possessed by the entire universe describing it’s part of the universe is rather useless. Even if you mean to compare something existing in this universe to something existing in another universe, linguistically that both universes would be considered parts of one universe.
The concept of multiple universes doesn’t even make sense. The universe is defined as ‘everything’ any two things that someone could find a reason to classify as separate universes are both just parts of one universe solely because they both exist. This is a concept many science fiction writers can’t understand, or won’t, or perhaps just disregard. In literature it doesn’t matter if the relevant theoretical science is accurate or not.
Actually in the case of fictional worlds the use of the term ‘universe’ to distinguish two separate universes actually can make sense, in the case of distinguishing between the cannon of the fictional world and our own. It could be claimed that the fictional universe is part of our own or that it exists in the multiverse. Anyone who talks about the multiverse that isn’t a theoretical physicist is probably just looking for some reason to believe their favorite fictional universe is real.
The multiverse excuse for a fictional universe to exist is the most pathetic use of legitimate scientific theory. I honestly don’t know what it is people think they’re gaining by believing in a fictional world, as a fictional universe or a separate ‘real’ universe it’s still a separate universe.”
I looked up at the scarecrow for a minute, I squinted at the sun which was rudely positioned within my line of sight. I moved to sit under the scarecrow so it’s head blocked the sun from me.
"I’ve been sitting out here a while haven’t I?"
The scarecrow said nothing, but I knew the answer to the question I was asking, I just wanted to believe I didn’t. In fact I’ve been sitting under the scarecrow for over an hour, among the tomatoes I didn’t dare eat in fear of the farmer finding out. I stepped on a tomato I while back, as I was trudging through the uneven plowed dirt. I left a dollar next to it’s body as an apology, which the farmer would probably accept considering one dollar is a ridiculous price for a tomato.
I took off my glasses, wiped the sweat off my brow, and replaced my glasses, which only really achieved getting dirt all over my face, but the dirt was already covering the rest of my body so it didn’t make much difference. I started my long walk home, across the county roads.
The walk was long and tiring and after three hours I had to stop. there, along among a filed of sunflowers I decided to sit and contemplate. The scarecrow was right, complaining about the true meaning of nature, and the multiverse and whatnot were really a waste of time and I was just stalling because I didn’t know what direction I was supposed to go. In fact I didn’t even know where I was at that moment. I don’t drive around the county roads very often and the only reason I walked the direction I did was because it was the direction the scarecrow was looking.
"Sir, you’re going to get a heat stroke out here"
"oh jeeze, how long was I out here?" I looked up at the weathered face of a farmer who was driving along and saw me lying on the side of the road.
"well it’s nearly six thirty now" the farmer showed me his wrist watch to prove it was indeed nearly six thirty. The time was 6:23, and it would have been more accurate to say it’s about 6:20 but I didn’t say anything because I was too delirious at the time to realize it.
"where’s your home?" the farmer asked, clearly he was very concerned for my safety, I wondered if he was the farmer responsible for the tomato field and if he had seen the squashed tomato. It was best not to bring it up, because I really did need a ride back home.
As it turned out the farmer was riding to my hometown anyway to visit his daughter, I told him to drop me off quite a ways away from where my house actually was, just in case he was in cahoots with the optometrist. I held the water bottle the farmer had given me with suspicion but eventually I had to give in, I didn’t drink anything since the Costco and I needed hydration. Bear Grills always makes hydration his top priority. If I had a name like “Bear” I would make owning as much bear paraphernalia my top priority.
Currently I only owned one stuffed bear and a computer wallpaper with a bear on it, and I don’t think that really counts because I change my computer wallpaper every six days. If I had a name that cosponsored to something more marketable perhaps I would be more comfortable with my identity. Then again I always can find my name on key-chains and whatnot at gift shops even though I never buy any of those anyways. I should ask my mother about why I wasn’t named after any animals. Maybe my mother would have if it wouldn’t invite any bear-themed nick names in elementary school. Bear Grills was probably was bullied for being named Grills more than Bear though, it’s difficult to call someone “bear” in an insulting way.
After I left the farmer I went about trying to find my way home. I was very unfamiliar with the part of town I ended up in and only knew the street name because it was where my fried Chuck lived. Looking back this is probably why I happened to find Chuck watering his lawn and was greeted with a ”Holy shit, where did you come from?” from him
"I just came from that truck that just drove off"
"Where did the truck come from?"
"I don’t know I didn’t ask the farmer" I admitted, it seemed silly now that the origin of his very nice truck didn’t come up in the conversation.
"He owns the truck" I said, supposing the fact the farmer was driving the truck wasn’t evidence enough
"Do you realize I haven’t seen you for a month"
"yeah that sounds about right actually"
"Did something happen, I’ve been calling you, you’ve been registered as a missing person, they searched your home this mourning and found things written all over the walls!"
Over the next hour I explained to Chuck everything that happened since the optometrist office, and the story I’ve been working on all over the walls of my home. Chuck’s reaction was surprised, but not shocked. The next three days were made up of Chuck trying to convince me to go down with him to the police station and explain everything to them. I said I didn’t want anything to do with them, the were in cahoots with the optometrist. We finally agreed to return to my house and clean the walls.
The story I was working on was about a fox who tries to convince a rabbit to buy a house, the whole time the rabbit thinks the fox is trying to trick him into getting eaten. Eventually the rabbit and fox get married and have three children and they are all very successful relaters. The whole thing was written in a made up language that I have been working on for six years, I wrote seven dictionaries in that language over that time as well as a translation book, all of which I burned when my landlord said I wasn’t taking care of my lawn.
We were in the middle of cleaning and Chuck said to me “Hey, I almost forgot, when you first went missing I was trying to call you to tell you something”
"yeah, I said it was important"
At this point I was very concerned, Chuck often gets himself into some weird situations “what is it”
"I flunked out of law school" he didn’t look very sad about it though
"yeah, but I’m going to take this opportunity to do something I really want to do" he looked at me right in the eye.
"and what’s that?" I asked, still concerned
"I’m going to be a marine biologist, like I’ve always wanted to when we wee kids!"
"that’s great, I’ve always knew you would be happier doing that" I was so exited, Chuck would finally live the life he wanted to and I could stop calling him in the middle of the night from payphones telling him to quit law school. That night we had a party at Chuck’s place and all or friends came, all very relived to find I wasn’t dead.
There’s not much a moral to this story, the fox and rabbit story had a pretty good moral, I think it was about helping the lass fortunate, idk it was a long time ago. This story doesn’t have a moral, but that doesn’t mean it has no meaning, I’m just glad the optometrist never never found out how it ends.
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