A. Vee

to live for the hope of it all

[rambles-and-babbles]

maybe growing up is going away far from home as you can and returning. to your childhood self. to your forgotten dreams. to your bumped priorities because you were so busy surviving. maybe growing up is living through the unrealized aspirations of your younger self. or doing things without the fear of being perceived badly that your teenager self would have been embarassed to admit.

in my case, my home ticket is me memorizing rap songs again. of watching cringe, non-oscar worthy films. of writing again. of learning what to want after surviving in this is enough, this is practical, i had no choice.

[rambles-and-babbles]

writing this on my windows acer laptop, two weeks after it said no bootable device. i didn't do anything to it for two weeks. and when I decided to turn it on today, it was just starting like what happened two weeks ago didn't happen. i was so ready to take it to a technician. i think she just needed a proper rest. and she have. for two weeks. i think I need to listen to my laptop more and apply it to my own life right now. it would be pretty awesome to just disappear and disconnect for two weeks and come back stronger after.

[rambles-and-babbles]

"love comes when you least expect it" sounds bullshit to me now. when people ask me do i look for love, i'd shrug my shoulders. it's okay. i don't dislike it but if it comes, i'll welcome it. if it doesn't, i'm okay too. and i think that's the reason why i'm chronically single. i don't look for it. i am a delusional who expects love to knock on my door.

love does find you, indeed. but it can't find you if you don't show a certain degree of availability. you have to put yourself out there in the world. meet people. talk to them. love demands an action.

[rambles-and-babbles]

why does it feel embarrassing to open up to someone about your feelings? this question has plagued me for years. the funny thing is, deep down, I kinda knew the answer. but having the answer doesn't make me feel less embarrassed about telling people how I feel. and it's tiring--being aware, and not knowing what to do with the awareness. i knew the matrix exists but i didn't know how to destroy or get out of it.

[rambles-and-babbles]

i wanna be hopeful and optimistic about everything that's happening in my life. but sometimes, like right now, everything seems to be the last time. today is my mother's birthday and I can't stop thinking what if this is going to be the last we get to celebrate her birthday. cancer sucks.

[rambles-and-babbles]

this is not your best, bby. do better

[rambles-and-babbles]

midterms is so bad i start to daydream of the things i never even thought of considering before like maybe starting a family

[rambles-and-babbles]

i feel like berocca will make everything clearer. midterm starts tomorrow. i don't know how i'll finish all the coverage

[rambles-and-babbles]

August 4

the plastic blades of the clip fan rotating with the help of the electricity. the frogs singing loudly as a gratitude to the downpour the heavens made. the lizards too. the budots song being played at the night market or the town plaza. i can't distinguish. mother can't sleep in pitch darkness so i turn on the lights in the second bedroom, leaving its door ajar so the light could creep in. i'm in a hammock writing this.

[rambles-and-babbles]

the internet space is extremely saturated with individualistic affirming sentiments, so much so that it has ingrained the unhealthy view of looking at yourself and yourself only. it has gradually turned us into selfish beings who think of nothing but ourselves--the innate need to look at the welfare of others slowly diminishing. and while i think that getting to know yourself is vital for one's well-being, personal growth and community involvement should not be mutually exclusive.

[rambles-and-babbles]

i will always be going to be thankful that i have become a reader. i'd never be as empathetic and hopeful and at the same time know how to manage my expectations if it weren't for the books i read. today, i am reminded that there is no right place, no destiny, no pre-carved path for the person that you will become. there is no right thing to do in order for a moment to be perfect and flawless. i have learned to be the person who makes the most out of the life i led, never regretting or wanting to be something different, ultimately forgetting to live in the present. this is not to say that i will only be going to settle for the things i don't deserve or remain unchanged forever. this is to say that i will always going to hope for the best, but i will always going to never not notice where i am standing, looking around my surrounding, thankful that i am alive. this is to say that it is you who makes your rightful place in this world, you who makes your own destiny, you who carves your path of who you will become. i am always going to be thankful that i have become a reader.

[rambles-and-babbles]

July 15, 2023

Please, please, please.

[rambles-and-babbles]

lord, sikira mahuman da ko ining revisions.

[rambles-and-babbles]

May 13, 2024

I gotta put myself first.

[words-at-night]

[rambles-and-babbles]

i think the point of the masks that we wear is to find someone who truly sees beyond it. it's a test of some sort. if they can't see it, if they don't notice that every day you wear different faces, if they're unable to take your mask off when you're with them, they don't deserve you.

[rambles-and-babbles]

i don't like the idea of capitalizing my passion because i have this weird notion that once i do it, i will no longer enjoy it.

so yes, maybe not pursuing what i love is the smartest thing i've ever done.

and as silly as this may sound, maybe it's also why i'm afraid to post lengthy captions or writing something heartfelt or when i do write something it's either cryptic and vague and makes no sense at all because i am afraid people will read it and the experience and the value it has for me, something so profound and intimate will no longer be mine and mine alone.