i've been thinking back to my past a lot lately and it's been really painful
i used to have so many friends back when i was younger. i had the neighborhood kids, church friends, school friends, one who i could call my best friend. in total? way over 20 friends, maybe even reaching 30. i was in friend heaven back then, and damn did i have the time of my life.
then brain cancer took away nick and everything just. fell.
after nick's death when i was in 5th grade, all my friends in the neighborhood just. grew apart from me. we stopped talking, some moved out. nick was a part of my neighborhood gang and i guess he was the pillar that kept our friendships stable.
not to mention how devastating it was to finally realize the severity of death. i was what. 10, 11 years old at the time? i remember going to nick's funeral, all happy and cheery because i didn't understand. everyone kept telling me nick was gone-- he was dead. i kept expecting him to show up at the funeral-- alive and smiling that big ol' dorky smile he used to always have. the sermon started. i was sitting confused as everyone around me was crying. dad came to pick me up from the funeral about 2 hours later, i sat in the car still confused. dad kept telling me it was going to be okay. it's a part of life. i didn't know what he meant. got home, walked into the garage and opened the door. mom was sitting at the couch in the room, just staring at me, sadly. i remember looking back at her.
few seconds after, the full realization of what just happened set in. i fell to the floor and just. sobbed. because nick wasn't coming back. i wasn't going to play with him or see him smile anymore.
my friend and crush was gone.
his life taken away so early because of cancer.
then church just. got horrible. it used to be so much fun and i used to love going to church on sundays all day because that meant hanging out with all my friends there. then one day, the pastor began stealing our money. we kicked him out, brought in a new pastor.
the new pastor was just terrible.
it was a korean church full of older aged koreans, and god did they love their gossip. there was so much gossip going around, some involving my own family. finally, one of the 'adult' members calls me a 'non-korean speaking monkey' simply because i couldn't communicate with him in korean. mom had enough. 13 years spent in that church, suddenly we're out. lost a lot of my friends there that day.
nowadays, i refuse to even go to church anymore. it's lost its spark and though i retain my faith, i've become bitter towards the idea of going to those buildings. unfortunate.
school... made lots of friends. some from elementary, all the way up to high school.
some are now in jail, some working full time as a young dad or single mother, some being drop outs, some i haven't been able to get in touch with for years, some who've ditched me for better people.
i've lost a considerable amount of friends in recent times, and those i still do retain i don't hang out with as often as i'd like because they're always too busy to hang.
i don't blame them for that-- i'm happy that they have daily things to do and that they're happy to be doing them, but at the same time it's...
well, it's making me realize just how much we've grown up, and how much some of us are growing apart because of it.
i've already lost two of my best friends because of it, and as much as i want to have another to call 'best friend', i'm afraid all it's going to do is ensure i'll lose them within a couple years. i don't know if i'm willing to do it anymore.
yeah, i've become lonely. really lonely.
i miss being hugged by my friends. having my hand held and being tugged around on the playground. just sitting next to a friend in comfortable silence. i just miss these physical platonic and meaningful touches by my friends.
nowadays, i get lucky to even get one single hug from a friend every four, five months.
i've lost track of what i was originally wanting to talk about here, but that's okay. my train of thought isn't linear. i guess if anything, it's to say just how sad i've become lately. i'm realizing so many things from my past, and i just don't know how to let go.
all the time i wish nick was back. even if all of us still would have fallen apart in the end, i'd still rather he be alive than gone. but it's the past now, and it's been about 9 years since then. there's no going back. time keeps going on.
and it's no wonder why i'm so fucking sad all the time.
