so today I am rambling because.............................
there are times in life (which happen way too often for me nowadays that it feels like they’re my life) when you feel like an absolute failure... so as of today there are 4 days for my semester exams but the amount I have studied could be called negligible. I am here using the internet as a source of viable conversation because i seem to have exhausted all real-life ones. I seem to have started to measure my importance by the number of friends that are happy with me( something i never thought i would do) and seem to fall short immensely.. i get really upset when a person i have had bare 2 conversations with online doesn't respond..( maybe i get attached too quickly ).. not much a maybe about it.. i do get attached too quickly and that too to people that i haven't even met ... maybe i am just insecure as I have always been... it's easier not to make friends with people who may think you fall short on expectations... its easier to ignore a guy when he is way too romantic for someone who hasnt seen me yet ... its easier to not see if the story i wrote pouring my complete hardwork into got rejected... its easier to say i was friends with someone than to admit even to my self that i may have been in what could be construed as love... its easier to accept that one of my friends has lost her usaul charm, her bubly personality, her confidence, because of something i said, that it was probably ( most definately) me that broke what was left of her spirit... that she still talks to me after that and it is a miracle... probably because she believes what i said which is why she has lost faith in friendships and most of her friends, which is why she interacts less, fakes more smiles, laughs for a show, hides the pain more intently than she ever did before.... and then accept the way i almost fucked up another of my friendships because i am way to much closed off to actually say if someting is wrong that i prefer to just let it boil inside me until it bursts in taunts and snide remarks in front of someone who has no idea where they went wrong... so much so that when we actaully talk again its not that original issue... the issue anyomore but what i did ....
then the last friendship i almost fucked .... the best one i have ever had.... the fact i never seemed to have a best friend before now should probably be because of the fact that i just couldn't seem to open up to anyone... and when i do by some miracle manage to get one ... for the first time in my life... i hurt her ... because of the same reason .... i don't open up keeping so many things inside. that the fact she opens up to me seems like a gift.... and the fact that she hates that she opens up to me seems like slap in the face... a deserved slap nonetheless hurts as it should... we never talk about that .. our personal elephant in the room ... about how hurt she was to know that it took me a month to break open in front of her and that too while placing the blame of not reading my mind solely on her shoulder as if i couldnt use the tongue that i have... knowing that it really wasnt her fault and that i should have talked about it and asked why she was hurt( just in case i managed to do something else also) and apologise .... i didnt do any of that... in fact i brilliantly avoid all of the elephants that i have in my room ...
i don't even know where i stared this rant from and at this point instead of returning back to that i would just spell check and post... before i evaluate the fact that my friend can read this since its online and she knows what my blog is named... and i haven't said all this irl which is probably why she says i never appreciate her... okay this is it i am done today... these posts re sounding like diary entries... but since barely anyone reads it.... it might as well be..