rambling

just venting side blog ig

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secretly hoping my boyfriend somehow finds this blog and is willing to comfort me about some of the shit I put on here even though that's selfish. Hi, verdant, yeah, its me.

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@donteverleaveme stuff abt relationship

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do i wanna die? no. do i wanna live? i dont know.

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.

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tw! Drawn noose

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please don't leave me. I don't know if id survive.

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with all the stuff we’ve been talking about thinking about my own relationship has felt weird lately. i don’t know why. i wouldn’t say uncomfortable. but just weird. do i just need time? i dont know what i need.

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how can i tell the difference between panic attack anxiety attack and meltdown asking for a friend

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don’t leave me i’ll do anything stay with me please don’t leave i’ll be everything you need i’ll do anything don’t leave me don’t leave me i’m begging please stay with me please please

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would you stop loving me if i was even chubbier?

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i can’t even tell if i deserve to be alive right now.

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if only asking him "if you had to choose between being with me and being in a poly relationship" didn't make me sound like an asshole

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Please tell me im enough for you. please tell me you don't need anyone else (romantically). please let me be clingy and tel me im all that you need. please just tell me im enough.

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my boyfriend and i had a really good conversation about some things like stances on polyamory (since we never properly talked about it) and i’m not comfortable with it which i think we kind of knew and for some reason im still anxious im not enough. 

and it’s not his fault. he’s done so much to make sure i know im loved by him but the fact that he would’ve been comfortable with poly just makes me feel something weird along the lines of “does he wish we were poly?” and im hoping that’s not the case. i’m very happy with how we are being exclusive and im hoping he’s not just “okay” with being exclusive but also somewhat wants to. 

im so fucking selfish. i’m on the verge of tears because of anxiety. i don’t know what to do. i love him so much and i just wish i knew if i was enough for him and he’s happy with our stance rather than just okay with it. but i’m not sure if i’llever be able to know. 

i don’t think id say we’re on thin ice or anything but i know that im feeling extremly anxious and clingy for no reason. i’m not good at sharing. it probably sounds mean but i hope he doesn’t necessarily “want” a poly relationship and wants to stay how we are. i don’t want him to feel like any of this is his fault because it’s not. it’s mine. i’ve been having a small meltdown and i did hurt myself because of all this. i’m so sorry. 

i’m fucking scared. i don’t know what to do. 

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my boyfriend would leave/hate me if he knew how much of a freak i was.

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ew. ew. ew. ew. ew. ew.

now i’m all sweaty and gross after touching myself.

fuck my life.

i’m disgusting.

i’m disgusting.

i’m disgusting.