Random Guy From QC

Hi! My name is Nathan. Fil-Am by blood. Pure Filipino by Heart. 23 years old living in Quezon City. Believe it or not, marunong akong magtagalog. This is my life. This is my blog.

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Hindi ako sanay. 

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Napakaraming nasayang.

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Somehow, inspired.

Got inspired by my boss. Alam kong may tiwala siya sa akin. Although, alam niyang may pulitika sa opisina, pero pinaparamdam niya sa akin na Ano bang pake ko sa kanila. Mamatay sila sa inggit.

Parang every challenges, I have to turn it into something inspirational. Well, that's actually I'm doing.

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Not okay

What a day!

Sa umpisa, medyo okay lang tapos nung kinagabihan na, nako! Ang gulo kong tao. I feel guilty sa mga kagaguhan ko sa buhay. 

Oh! That one night stand. Parang ayoko na. Parang wala rin namang patutunguhan eh. Panandalian lang. I want to find the one for me, not only for one night, but for the rest of my life.

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Used to be

Just woke up. It’s 7 in the morning. My eyes still hurt. Not crying though. Lack of sleep, I guess.

Nagpatawag ng meeting sina Boss for our campaign. Men! Ang aga and it’s saturday. I want to go back to sleep but I can’t. I want but I don’t think I can.

May mga bagay talagang kailangan mong gawin kasi kailangan niyang magawa.

Although, hindi ka sanay, pero kailangan mong masanay.

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Love

I hate that word. Not that word, word, but the idea of it. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic but I have to hate it for me to get over with the pain of my past.

Hindi naman maganda yung nakaraan ko pagdating sa love. Yung first love ko, my first girlfriend, I took her for granted. Yeah man, ako yung may kasalanan kung bakit siya nawala sa akin. I chose my career over her. Wala na akong masyadong time para sa amin hanggang sa dumating yung oras na bigla na lang siyang nawala. And that's the most painful thing that happened to me. I got my dream, to become a graphic artist, but lost my dream girl, in return.

Fuck it, man! Sobra akong nanghihinayang. Gago ko kasi eh. 

After that, I've been to different girls - some were serious, but most of them, bedmates ko lang. Iba talaga kapag first love. 

Well, that's life.

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Unsure

What will you do if you don’t know what to do? Sounds crazy but it’s true. Minsan dumarating yung point in my life na parang ayoko na. Parang I know what I must do pero nawawalan na ako ng energy to do that. Not just physical energy but also emotional push in order to achieve what I should do or think.

Believe me, there are a lot of people in my life today. People that I’m not sure kung magiging source ba ng inspiration or what. People that support me, people that believe in me.

Honestly, at this point in time, I don’t believe in myself anymore. All my strengths are gone, my happiness too. 

People keep telling me to hold on, but to whom? Saan ako kakapit kung lahat sila naniniwalang kakayanin ko ‘to. Lahat sila nagsasabi kung anong dapat kong gawin pero sa sobrang dami nilang pinapagawa, nao-overwhelm ako. 

Alam ng utak ko kung ano ang mga gagawin pero yung buong pagkatao ko, I’m not sure.

Can I have a break from my current life? Pwede ba akong umalis sandali, iwanan ang nakasanayang buhay ko at magsimula ulit sa umpisa? 

I’m a graphic artist, photographer and traveller. I go places where I can smile and appreciate the beauty of the world. I’ve been to almost every places here in the Philippines. I take pictures of those wonders. But when I got promoted from junior graphic artist to senior graphic artist, everything has changed.

Yes, it’s a break. It’s a blessing pero like what I said, everything has changed. Literally, everything. From the people I used to be with, to those new people in my life that I needed to impress. Well, that’s my job. I used to enjoy it but… I’m not sure what to feel.

And at this moment, nakaupo ako sa terrace ng condo ko, overlooking the beauty of a busy city, alone with my Pomeranian Dog, Mikey. Kaharap ko yung laptop na binili ko with my salary. And there’s my camera that once was my companion for a long time. Nice place, nice things, but 

Nathan, you have to finish that project.

That’s my boss. And every time he texts me, I was like, kailan matatapos ‘to? Kailan ako sisipagin? Kailan ko malalaman kung paano magsimula at paano gawin ang mga bagay na minahal ko na naman noon.

Well, I ended up writing this blog knowing that no one’s gonna read it. 

Well, I’m not sure of that.

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Bed Days

I’ve been here a lifetime. Where? In my bed. Got something important to do but something’s bothering me. I don’t know what it is, what specifically it is, but one thing for sure, there’s something wrong with me.

Maybe, it’s about my feelings. Hindi ko alam kung bakit parang nawawalan na akong gana sa mga bagay na gusto kong gawin.

Something inside me is killing me. Killing my passion, killing my enthusiasm. Killing my hopes.

Don’t know what to do. Don’t know what to feel.

My messy bed in my messy room reflects how my life is… for now. Gusto kong mahiga. Gusto kong magpahinga from all the tiring days of my life. I want a hug from someone… from something… from my pillow. 

Kung nakakapagsalita lang sana ang mga unan at kumot, siguro matagal na akong nabuhayan. Matagal na akong namotivate sa buhay. I’m longing for that “Everything’s gonna be all right, Nathan. Kaya mo yan.”

But now, I want to take a nap from everything. To gain energy. To forget the pain. To wake up for another chance.