Vision is the only validation

Emily, 24, Belgium I'm a major tv show fangirl. This is a multi-fandom blog, and you'll mostly find things I'm currently watching. But I'll always treasure Dexter, Desperate Housewives and Veronica Mars. You'll also find some music here.

[randomisemily]

So, I’m a new mom.

Writing this on this blog, I can’t believe it. But this blog has been my rant blog for years and years. And it still is. Even when years have passed, crazy.

So yes, new mom. My baby girl is three weeks old tomorrow. And the reason I need to rant is because of my issues with breastfeeding.

My breastfeeding journey is short. But I love long stories, so I’ll start with the baby making process. No, it’s not that kind of blog. I mean, the journey. Because that was, in fact, quite a journey as well.

Before Covid, my husband and I got engaged. We were ready for marriage and after that, kids. I’m not “traditional” in the sense that I needed to be married before getting kids, it just made more sense to me. Practically, I wanted a typical big wedding and I knew I didn’t have planning skills (etc…) to put together a wedding while having a baby already. So, wedding first. Then babies!

We set the date in August 2020. But yes, Covid came along and yes, we had to postpone, at least, the party. We did actually get married that day. With 14 people in total to witness it.

We needed to wait to throw the party until the end of september 2021. Baby fever, however, did not wait.

The wedding finally happened and I threw out birth control as fast as I could. I even went to the doctor for a check up, right before the wedding. Forget getting my nails done, what’s up with my uterus?!

Trying to conceive, I quickly learned, is a whole thing in itself. Tracking your cycle. Finding your ovulation. And so forth. But I did it. And came to the conclusion: this is hard! I quickly became obsessed with my ovulation and trying to figure out the timing. After a few months of obsessively trying to conceive, I really felt like something was off. My cycle. What a long cycle did I have. For people who don’t know, on average a cycle is 28 days. Mine was often 35 days or longer. WEIRD.

Fast forward a few months and in April-May of 2022, I needed to put a hold on conceiving because of gall bladder surgery. I had known about this surgery since February, so it didn’t make sense for me to try and conceive for a few months. Bummer!

After the surgery, I went to see my OBGYN. It was about damn time there was a baby in my belly, I figured.

PCOS. That is what I have. And that’s why I couldn’t conceive. I was heartbroken. Sure, it wasn’t severe. But the future was so uncertain. Will I ever be a mom?! (If you read the first line of this long ass rant, you’ll know that I will).

There was a solution, however. Pills and check-up. It’s really not hard, if I look back at it. It’s not IVF, or anything. But oh god, it was still really tough. You take the pills. You wait. You go for check-ups, get your blood drawn, get the results and you have intercourse whenever THEY say you should. And then… you wait once more. Ha, what a joy. So, first cycle, nothing. Not even an egg growing. No ovulation. Just hormones all over the place. 2nd cycle: yes, I ovulated! No baby. Third cycle: A BABY!!! A red line appeared on my (many many many) tests!

What a relief. What a miracle. Incoming: baby on the way at the end of May! (Actually, she came on the first of June)

My pregnancy was smooth AF. First trimester was mostly me, a zombie. Wanting to sleep all day. Barely ever getting sick. One time, I was sick. And I also got the flu. That is all. In fact, I went on a trip to Madrid while 8 weeks pregnant. Had lots of fun and barely any symptoms.

My bump started to grow around 20 weeks. I was so exicted, yet also very insecure. What if people thought I couldn’t poop? That’s what the tiny bump looked like. I felt pregnant. I had been feeling kicks for a few weeks. But I didn’t look pregnant.

But that’s okay because the bump came around and I enjoyed every day. Even the days with heartburn. And even the ones where I felt like I couldn’t put shoes on anymore or shave my legs (and other parts).

If someone were to ask me to do it all over again, I would. It was wonderful.

I was a week late when I gave birth and I thought I’d get induced. In fact, me and my husband were SURE. So sure that we booked a table at the restaurant we went for dinner to celebrate me being pregnant. Yeahhh, we had to cancel, of course. Stupid us. Labor was fine. Painful. Traumatic. And all that. But fine. I mean, I ended up with a baby. Puked three times and fainted on the toilet seat. But I got a baby!!!!

AND HERE COMES THE BREAST FEEDING PART

So, I had always expressed wanting to breast feed. I don’t know, seems like the normal thing to do. Nine months, my baby had been eating what I was eating. I thought I wanted to continue. And create that bond.

From the start, though, it was painful. My nipples were bleeding. And by the time I left the hospital, I was almost scared to let my baby near my boobs. Here is the thing: I was informed. Breastfeeding didn’t have secrets for me. So I thought. Nobody tells you that your 3 day old baby can cause blood gushing from your nipples. A midwife told me: “you think she has teeth, right?” Jokingly, ha ha ha. Yes, she seems to be a vampire. That’s for sure.

The first day home, she didn’t want to eat. The 7 AM feedtime turned into the 1 PM feed time. The hours in between, screaming and crying. And not just her.

With a lot of help from my midwife, she finally had her breakfast and lunch. And we found a solution for the pain, as well as why she wouldn’t want to eat, etc.

The weekend came around and the midwife weighed my baby. She gained weight! Yaay!

Come Tuesday, she had lost a massive amount of weight. I was in shock. What the actual???

Breastfeeding hadn’t been going great. She wasn’t the best at it, I wasn’t the best at it. But it had been going, you know? Yet, she didn’t gain weight. She dropped weight. My tiny baby was losing weight and she didn’t have a cute thick belly but you could see her ribs. Man, I cried.

The next few days were terrifying. We decided to add formula to her feeding schedule, so she’d gain the weight. And she finally did. But the breastfeeding was getting tougher and tougher. At a certain point, I breast fed her for 20+ minutes, my husband gave her a bottle and while he was doing that, I was pumping. That whole ordeal took 45+ minutes and we had to do it all over again every two hours. My husband felt like a washing machine, I felt like a milk cow.

The pumping wasn’t working and my husband had to go back to work so we switched to the combo of breast/formula at the beginning of this week.

Yet, soon enough, she wouldn’t drink anymore. Was I afraid she’d lose the weight again? No, we had formula now. But God, I was TIRED.

And so was my body. I needed to give it a rest. I realized I barely make enough milk for her to get fed once a day. And she needs it 8 times a day.

I am heartbroken and releived at the same time. I needed to learn how to enjoy my baby without the dread of feeding time. And I have. I love her so much. But man, the mom guilt is real. The fact she doesn’t get to taste the food I eat every day. The fact I can’t give her what she needs now that she’s not inside me anymore. It could eat me up. But, I’m writing it off. She’s thriving on formula. Her belly is full every day. And she’s happy. I’m letting it go.

And I can’t wait to tell her how her first three weeks of her life were like. 🥰

The truth about breastfeeding is, it’s hard. It can be wonderful. I wholeheartly believe that. I do. I always will. But for me, it just wasn’t. I now feed her in a lot less time and, after she’s fed, she sleeps on my belly or in my arms. I don’t know if I’d trade anymore.

I was so informed and had so much help. Which I am so grateful for. But no one prepared me for when breastfeeding just doesn’t work.

You know, come to think of it. The same thing goes for trying to conceive. I was informed and knew all about my cycle. When to try. How to try. But at the end of the day, no one informed me about the devestation of when it doesn’t work.

I guess this is just a rant. But listen, if someone does read this: it’s all worth it. Trying to conceive. Worth it. Pregnancy and labor: worth it. And yes, breastfeeding was worth it as well. If I wouldn’t have tried…. I wouldn’t have known.

And at the end of the day, I love her so much.

[thestanconfessions]

An Open Letter

Hi,

I’m Emily and I’m writing this letter because when I have strong feelings about things, I need to jot it down. This time is not different. I’m responding to the recent Britney Spears documentary and it’s got me all shaken up. And I’m not alone. 

Many people who know me, know that I’ve been a Britney Spears fan ever since the very beginning. I was 7 or 8 when Baby One More Time came out and I was a fan of that song from the first note. And over the years, the excitement only grew. Many kids of my generation literally grew with her, so did I. In the very beginning, she seemed like a magical Disney princess to me. It didn’t fully comprehend that she was a real person, at my age. 

But even in those early days, I noticed things that I felt weren’t okay. I barely understood what the media was talking about, but when they were talking about her body (her breasts and the realness of them, for one), I didn’t understand why. I wasn’t old enough to understand why. But didn’t sit right, that’s for sure. 

Once I started to go online, specifically online forums usually, I realized I wasn’t alone. I was part of a community of Britney fans and that community was quite big. But also, I wasn’t alone with my concerns of how people treated her. For a long time, it’s been Britney fans against the world. We were a club, but no one was listening. All the while, Britney was still making hits, performing and not saying a word about how she’s treated.

When 2007 came around, I was 13 and more and more aware that she wasn’t doing well. I was concerned about her, so were all the other Britney fans. Concern that started with following her every now and then to concern that made me want to follow her almost every day. Online, we’d talk about her hair or her clothes that day. How happy or unhappy she looked and we also discussed, in detail, what was going on with her divorce, etc. 

Right around the time her conversatorship came around, I was already hesitant to keep going. For the simple reason that I felt like, by following her as closely as I did, I wasn’t part of the solution. I was part of the problem. Britney fans were also the ones that were looking at the paparazzi photos. 

I didn’t agree with the conversatorship, but for the most part, I felt like, perhaps, she needed it at the time. She was struggling, she was in pain and she perhaps did have some psychological issues. Issues that we couldn’t even start to understand. As a teenager, I figured: maybe it’s good that her family’s helping her. And because of the fact that she was working again in 2008, I was blinded by that. Basically, I was just happy she made a comeback. So were many people. 

Because I had distanced myself from all the personal issues she’s had over the years, I wanted to avoid all the drama surrounding #FreeBritney. I thought: it’s not going to help me and it won’t help her either.

The documentary isn’t something to be avoided. They showed it on Belgian TV last night and it hit me… hard. 

At the beginning of the documentary, it was clear to me that as fans, we were finally heard. No, it’s not okay to call someone crazy without context. No, it’s not okay to ask a young woman questions about her body. We knew that. I knew that and I was 10.

Before we were stupid teenagers. Now we’re adults. We’re finally heard. 

The relief I felt in the beginning disappeared and fast. I knew about the conversatorship and I understood the conversatorship (sort of, it’s complicated, right?). But man, it’s so fucked up. 

Here’s what I know:

I love Britney as a fan, but the fact is that we have no idea at all if she is, in fact, capable of taking care of herself and her finances. We can’t just assume she is just because we want to think she is. And her (ex-) attorney telling us she is, isn’t exactly the best source. He’s literally been her attorney. 

HOWEVER

He’s her ex-attorney because he wasn’t allowed to be her attorney. She did not get to choose her own attorney. And on top of that, she’s not just paying for her own attorney, she’s paying for her father’s as well. WHAT

She’s also asked, from the beginning, her father wouldn’t be involved. Why is it so hard to make that happen? It makes all the lines blurry. The law shouldn’t be blurry. 

Whatever the truth is about her and whether or not she needs the conservatorship, the law failed Britney Spears. The system failed her. And as a society, we failed her too. And I’m sorry. I’ve been sorry for years, but at least, the world is finally catching up. And hopefully, the documentary will actually change something. 

If they’tre not going to change the conversatorship, for christ sake, at least give her the human decency to get to choose her own attorney. And let’s just all, as a society, apologize to her. We’re sorry, Britney. #FreeBritney

- Emily, fan and creator of this blog. 

[846782364278]

[randomisemily]

I wanna rant about getting my driver’s license, but some people might need to know some stuff beforehand, so here you go:

- In Belgium, you have to take a written test on basic knowledge of traffic (rules & signs), passing that test allows you to request for a permit 

- There are two different permits: 1) 36 months: allows you to drive, but not by yourself. 2) 18 months: allows you to drive by yourself. Though, in both cases, you have to take lessons beforehand. 

-You can get your license at the age of 18 

- the driver’s test includes a “risk perception” test (you have to watch a few videos and determine who’s on the road and who’s a risk etc) + also, of course, a test on the road, including a few parking skills

- Additonally, I’d like to mention that the laws concerning learning how to drive and permits etc have changed A LOT the last few years, so if sometimes my rant is confusing, IT IS FOR ME AS WELL

- Every 2 times you fail an exam, you have to take 6 hours of lessons before you are allowed to take the exam again. 

ALRIGHT LETS GET STARTED

So when I was 18, I personally felt like I wasn’t ready to get my license yet. I wasn’t all that interested anyway and because I had friends who could drive, an older brother,... I was happy not driving. It didn’t bother me that much, and when Iook back at that time, I might even add that I might’ve been scared to drive. 

I felt like my life wasn’t too difficult without a license, though I lived in a rural area, I had easy access to busses and, mostly, trains. I also pretty much biked everywhere, and I didn’t mind that much.  

When I was 19, I started dating my fiancé, who had a license and took me everywhere. Some might think he was enabling, but in our case, I think he was just happy to do it. He was patient with me and when I was almost 21, I took the written test and passed. 

See, after that, I’m fuzzy on the details because I’m 28 now. So time has PASSED. But at that time I did decide to get a 36 month license. The reason was mostly financial: for a 18 month license, you have to take more lessons, and the lessons are expensive. (to drive alone, you have to take 20 hours of lessons, which as roughly 1500 euros). BUT for the 36 month permit, it’s only required to take 6 hours, which is rougly 500 euros. Considering the fact I had to pay that myself, I felt like I couldn’t afford the extra 1000 euros. I think, the other reason was that I was scared to drive by myself - maybe even scared to drive at all.

The permit I chose, requires you to get a mentor. Usually, it’s a family member, in my case, it was my dad. I thought it would be a good choice because my dad knows how to drive a truck and has tons of experience. He’s also calm and I thought he’d be good at giving instructions. 

That worked out a little different. It seemed like my dad was, like myself, a little scared to teach me. So here we were: two people who weren’t going to encourage each other to drive. The addition problem was that my dad’s working a lot, so a lot of times I was tired or he was. Yeah, it’s an excuse, and we knew it. 

One time, when were finally practicing, we were on a private road nearby. We were just starting & stopping, you know, the basics. There was a guy walking his Jack Russell, but without a leash. We weren’t going fast at all, but all of the sudden, the dog ran in front of my car. The dog ran off, over a big field, as fast as it could, and eventually, it ran home. We were shocked, scared and felt bad for the dog. The dog wasn’t injured that badly, but it so happened that we also had a similar dog at the time, so we truly felt for the little scared dog. I am, ‘till this day, though, a little angry with the owner because you don’t let your dog off your leash, that’s just my opinion. 

ANYHOW, after practicing a few months or something, we decided I was ready. I felt ready but both my dad and I were NERVOUS AS SHIT. The examirer was 15 minutes late, which only made it worse. My exam was a nightmare, after 5 minutes on the road, I had to go back. Out of nervousness, I didn’t see an old lady crossing the road. It was a disaster and the memory is still vivid. 

A second attempt came around the corner, and this time, I really thought I was ready. It was closer to the time the permit was going to expire, so I really hoped it would work out this time. Failed. This time, I didn’t use my breaks properly. Apparently, my dad had been teaching me wrong and I didn’t remember from the lessons I took. 

I can’t remember anymore why I failed the third time, but I did. And this time, my permit really was about to expire. After failing this time, I had no choice but to let it expire. 

This SUCKED because, as you might do the math, I was already 25 by then. And by the time I was 25, I did in fact, really need a car and a license. I had just graduated college and I needed a job. Schools in general are usually easily accessible by train, so was mine. Jobs, however, are not. For my internship in my last year of college, for example, I had to bike to the train station, take a train, tranfer to another train, take a bus and then bike again. The internship was great, getting there, however, was a nightmare. 

It also sucked because at the time, there was a rule in place, that dictated that if your permit expires, you can’t request a new one. There was a “waiting period” of 3 years. Yes, three YEARS. There are some exceptions because I can still, possibly, get your license during that time if you re-take your written test and take your driving exam with a professional driving school (the one you use to take lessons). This is, in fact, what I tried to do. The tricky part is that, when you’re not on the road during your “normal” life (work, groceries,...) it’s harder to get back on the horse. It was for me, anyway. I tried to the the exam that way twice. I failed twice. After the second time, I still had a year left in that “waiting period”, so I figured I wouldn’t try anymore and just wait it out. During those three years, I got a job nearby where I could bike to. It was alright. 

After the three years, and 5 exams later, I was fed up and I wanted to pass more than ever. But I knew I needed to do better this time. I took the 20 hours (yes, the lessons kept pilling up and so were the bills) so that I could drive alone and get the 18 month permit. By that time, I was also working full time and had moved out and moved in with my fiancé. So I was READY to be an adult and driving alone also meant that freedom I desperately wanted. 

My reasoning was also the fact that I felt like I didn’t have enough real life experience driving a car before. I didn’t need to do groceries, I was still living at home at the time and, as I mentioned, was always practicing with my dad. This time, not only did I want to drive alone, I needed to. 

A few months before the 18 months ended, I wanted to take the test again. Six times a charm, I thought. This time, my “mentor” wasn’t my dad anymore, it was my fiancé. Mind you, my fiance, lovely as he is, is neurotic and full of anxiety (bless his heart). Yet again, I was confronted by my nerves, and his. And failed the test because of my parking skills (or lack of). Actually, I was too nervous and had a minor anxiety attack while parking. 

The next time, I tried to get back on the horse almost right away and tried to take an exam with, not my boyfriend, but a professional driving instructor (€€€€€€). The seventh time almost worked out. I ALMOST passed, until the last few minutes I made a mistake at a crossroads. I mean, fuck. 

For the eight time, I realized I needed to do the same so I scheduled the exam for March this year. Then, of course, a pandemic came knocking on the door. The exam was cancelled and I felt major relief - though, I did need to pass and I knew it. 

After everything re-opened in May, I sort of procrastinated making an appointment again. I just, I couldn’t. I knew I had to, but I had failed this test 7 times. A driving test. Thinking about it, I mean, I have a bachelors degree. I had good job. I’m engaged. But I didn’t have a driver’s license. And no, I’m not a New Yorker. 

But luckily, when I procastinate, my body doesn’t agree and protests. I was watching a Modern Family episode one night where Haley struggled to get her license and I felt her pain so much. My heart was racing. I got nervous and flustered. And this continued. I was watching anyone driving on tv and I continued having tiny panic attacks. Talk about triggers: people driving. 

Anyway, I finally managed to call to make the apointment (took a lot of energy). I, again, made an appointment with a professional instructor. Though it was more expensive, it was the best approach. My car is old and driving my car to the exam would also mean I’d have to deal with my nervous (and not helping at all) fiancé. I knew I needed a steady and experienced person by my side. 

Yesterday, I took the test and I passed. Eight years and eight tries. 

I thought I would be ecstatic, but I wasn’t. I mean, I was. But honestly, It’s all been hitting me. Slowly. 

I’ve had this extreme fear. Extreme shame. Extreme anxiety for years. Because of that, it’s like, I have to process everything. I mean, everything. For example, I can now drive to my job, no strings attached. I can find a better job, that’s not as nearby. We bought a house to a rural area so it’s hard NOT to drive a car. I used to fear I’d feel locked up in the house as long as I didn’t have my license. Now, I have to process that this won’t be the case anymore and I can experience that freedom. There have been so many small things that I had to adjust to. Also, the shame I experienced. It’s just GONE now. Just simply, GONE. 

But in any case, I’m also super stoked. And the reason I ranted was

1) to express myself and get it off my chest but also

2) if anyone experiences the same thing (or a similar thing) to assure that it happened to me too.  

And for anyone who doesn’t want to ride with me - I totally understand but I took so many classes I consider it an asset. Not only do I know the laws of driving SUPER WELL, I am NEVER going to jeopardize it by driving badly. Because I ain’t planning on losing what I’ve got! 

thank you for reading or scrolling 

[homoeroticism]

[adampvrrish]

me walking around my room talking outloud to myself about my current obsessions and giving my imaginary audience an hours long speech about it

[randomisemily]

My fiancé on a normal tuesday: *a normal straight dude that likes to listen to alternative punk and works at a hardware store*

My fiancé when I told him we’d get a cat:

[thegoblincities]

stop seeing celebrities as anything more that sources of entertainment and you'll live much better and with fewer disappointments

[randomisemily]

I take this personally

[stonerclone]

[randomisemily]

#mood

[eggsaladstain]

elena was the smartest person on this whole show

[tami-taylors-hair]

After years of claiming introversion as a personality trait and talking about how much you love being a snuggly widdle blanket in the rain with a cup of cocoa and a book, we’re finding out the internet is full of fake bitches who can’t go 24 hours without licking the floor in a crowded bar and then sneezing on a passing octogenarian with an oxygen tank. 

[1617]

“why are u so shy?” relax i just met you 2 years ago

[myrcella]

#the unique female rage experience #when a guy tells you to calm down

[tylrgalpins]

[bob-belcher]

[pandoraborn]

Has anyone else noticed that as a society, we're shamed for wanting to sleep? Sleeping in is bad, naps are only okay if they're 20 minutes, you cant be tired unless you're a <insert career/lifestyle choice here>, so on and so forth.

I mean, I think we all need to spread our blankets out, cuddle a pillow, and go to sleep. Everyone needs more of it, fuck this "it's not productive" nonsense. It's okay to sleep, it's okay to want to sleep. You're not lazy because of it.

[randomisemily]

The 2003 VMA “Kiss” performance: a dissertation

The 2003 VMA “kiss” performance featuring Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Madonna and Missy Elliot (and Justin TImberlake’s face), is sadly not relevant anymore, though it will always remain iconic AF.

I nowadays understand that a bunch of straight white women (excuse me but that is what they are) kissing on stage is not a shock anymore, but back in the day, it was EPIC and AMAZING. Fans ate it up. The press ate it up. Everyone was shocked and amazed. I, for one, was asked the question: “is this who you look up to?” And I replied with a smile; “hell yeah”. Oh man, what a performance.

And everything was ON POINT. There was actual TENSION and CHEMISTRY and we knew something was about to go down and it certainly did.

And then Missy came in and diffused the bomb, only to crank up the heat a little more (yeah I said that).

I’m sure these women knew that the kiss would provoke controversy but this performance was about fucking female empowerment. These ladies were on stage together and decided to stage a marriage that wasn’t even legal in the country they were performing it in.But it was perfectly legal in POP HEAVEN. The performance was about the QUEEN and her princesses. It’s almost as if she was passing on the power through saliva.

And by the way, Britney won that break-up by default, honestly. Especially because only a few months later, Justin tried to upstage her and the shock value of the performance by his “nipple slip”, which was later viewed as tacky and more importantly, unfeministic. There is, to this day, a vast difference between what Madonna, Britney and Christina did and what Justin did and it had a waaayyy better & positive impact on the pop culture (and might I add, the LGBTQ community).

I know people who did not experience it first hand (as I like to call those creatures, “young people”) might not understand the gravity. They are straight, they are white and they are rich af. But back in 2003, believe me, there was no room on a main stage for actual lesbians to kiss. So it is my belief that: if it had to be done, it might as well be done by the queens of pop.

I’m also giving a quick shoutout to the microphones between their boobs. It’s like the mics almost have a life of their own.

So if you still don’t understand how iconic that performance was, let’s picture this: Ariana comes on stage, wearing the Single Ladies costume (while singing it), then Camilla comes in and does the same. They sing and dance together. Queen B comes in, continues to sing and dance flawlessly together with Ariana and Camilla. B kisses Ariana, the crowd goes wild. Camera zooms in on Big Sean or something. Then Beyoncé kisses Camilla (though the camera almost missed it). THEN fucking Lizzo walks in and continues to blow everything up!

If you haven’t noticed and if you don’t see the relevance of the “lesbian kiss” in the performance, you might understand, because of the 2019 version, that in many ways it’s not because two women kiss, but it’s because Beyoncé and Ariana Grande kiss. And that, my friends, would be FIREWORKS

IN CONCLUSION

While anyone can give fire performances, no one can and ever will, repeat the 2003 VMA “Kiss” performance by no other than Britney Spears, Madonna, Christina Aguilera and Missy Elliot.

AMEN and ps: