Somehow, Still Living- I rightfully should be dead @randomlyalive-blog - Tumblr Blog

so i saw a post of all the sprite progressions of various pokemon through the years and snorlax looks like he spent all his time trying to sit up

alright let’s do this

rrRHRGG

wow no that was exhausting ok baby steps time

ok so far so good

grgrhgh—

GGHRHGHGGHGHHH

AW GOD DAMN IT

maybe if I—

wait

…

successsssssss

My new tumblr

I've stopped updating this, but I haven't stopped using tumblr.

Okay, I stopped using tumblr for about three or so months, but I'm starting up again. So now, instead of using this blog, I have created a new blog, "Famous Forgotten Quotes" (famousforgottenquotes.tumblr.com). Everyday on this blog, I will post a new quote that has been forgotten throughout the ages. So follow. Dang, this is getting boring. Man, there must have been some sexier way to say this.

Why good politicians cannot be elected

I swear, maybe I just am terrible at choosing elected officials. But I almost could have SWORN that the purpose of the elections was to pay the most retarded members of society to leave and not come back for at least another two years. But recently it has come to my attention that the politicians are actually pretty damn smart. I mean, they cannot just steal all of our money without us knowing and still be pretty stupid. Of course, I am not saying they are scrupulous. Well, they are, but only if we citizens find out (For example, Medicaid and Medicare used to pay for the poor and elderly to have erections). One thing I have noticed, however, is that the government has cast a blind eye on our territories. If we truly are the land of the free, then why do we allow our territories to be governed by the US... yet still not have any real freedom? Look at Guam, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands. None of these have a voice in how they are ruled. While they do have a representative in Congress, this representative does not have any right to vote in any of the measures that Congress undertakes. I believe that if we really want equality and freedom among all people, we must grant these Americans their right to destroy America, too. Just sayin', if we have the right to be taxed like hell from our Congressmen and Congresswomen, then they should too.

The differences between men and women, Part III

A few days ago, I began posting on the differences between men and women. I had mentioned that men tend to think of themselves as different then women, but women tend to see men as broken women. I will now clarify what I meant by that.

While a man and a woman is dating, which is more likely to want to fix the other person? Which gender will always see a relationship as broken?

Another major difference between men and women is the way they see relationships. Men tend to see marriages like a new car: no serious maintenance for at least the first few years. Women, on the other hand, see it like a garden: you need to water it, prune it, remove weeds, and eventually, it is right. So women instinctively will notice when a relationship is wrong. Men, on the other hand, just see it as needing to refill the engine.

Like I said before, though, if you want to call me sexist, I will deny posting this.

The Guy Code

I realized I had this laying around, so, after realizing I had yet to post in a while, I decided to upload this and share it with you. Any rule that is bold is a rule, or "code," that was submitted to me by someone else, but I have not received any permission from them to post their name with it. Whenever I get to that, their name will be posted next to it.

Revised: 06/06/2011

Let's begin.

1. Man hugs aren't right, give chest bumps or slap each other in the face or something.

2. If in the restroom, NEVER take the urinal next to somebody else, unless there are barriers in between you. Follow this rule even if you must wait for a spot to open up.

3. Food is delicious. Eat.

4. Men don't carry handbags, purses, satchels, etc., unless it is for their girlfriend.

5. Along those lines, chivalry is always in style, BUT being walked on isn't. Open doors for your girlfriend. Don't always be her knight in shining armor, but that doesn't mean you should never do anything nice for her. Buy her flowers, tell her you love her, make sure she knows that you care about her. A lot. Don't be a "yes-man" for her. Girl's don't like that. Don't let her make stupid decisions. If you truly love someone, you won't let them do whatever they want, you want them to do what's best for them and have fun while doing it.

6. Get a job. Seriously.

7. See that goatee on your face? Yeah, get rid of it, you look like a pansy.

8. Spending the night with a guy friend is alright, as long as you play CoD, and don't call it a sleepover.

9. If you don't want to hang out, don't make excuses, just tell them that.

10. Being a douche is not cool. Seriously.

11. If it is between you and your girlfriend driving the car, you ALWAYS drive. Never make her drive you around anywhere. ESPECIALLY on a date. If she has to pick you up because you can't drive, there are some serious issues there.

12. Lying to your friends is wrong. But lying to your best friends and girlfriend is like, a sin. Just don't do it. (Two sources :-D)

13. Wear a belt. Please, your ass is not that attractive.

14. Shave and clean up. Seriously, it your face isn't a pleasant sight to anyone when it isn't shaved and your stench can be smelled from here. Take daily showers, wash your hair, and use that new invention called "soap". It actually works.

15. Never sleep with friends of your family or girlfriends or exes. It is just wrong, I shouldn't have to explain conception to your unexpected child Alejandro

16. Not everyone is a sports fanatic, so don't make fun of band nerds. Just think of where modern music would be without it.

16b. As long as someone follows the guy code, they're cool. It's up to you, though, to shun the douches who break it.

17. Have I mentioned yet to not abuse your girlfriend? Yeah, well don't. No one deserves that, whether it's emotional of physical.

18. While fighting might seem cool, having a broken nose isn't. Just shake it off and don't let it bother you. (LL)

19. Have fun. Laugh. Make jokes as long as no one's hurt. Live life like it's, well, today, cuz today is the best day of your life.

20. Don't talk shit. If you're going to brag about yourself, make sure you can follow through.

21. That's your friend's ex. Don't date her unless you want to make things awkward.

22. Don't worry about not being liked. It's not exactly the end of the world.

23. Take risks. I bet she'd like to be with someone like you.

24. If she's worth waiting for, make sure you are too.

25. All faithful followers of the Guy Code reserve the right to fuck you over if you break any of the rules.

26. Breaking someone's Ticonderoga is not right. Those are legit pencils.

27. Your friends are equal to you, don't treat them as lower.

28. Misogyny is not cool, dude. Women only cook because men can't. I've seen many women fix cars, but very few men have made a decent sandwich.

29. Wear a shirt that actually fits. You do not look cool when you show off your non-existent muscles, you look like a pansy.

30. If your girl really wants you to do something, DO IT. Unless it's like, punching her or somerthing subversive.

31. Every girl is a princess. Treat her like it.

32. Yeah, you love your girlfriend, we get that. Don't spend every second of your life with her, though. Your friends will miss you and her's will too.

33. Try not to fight with your girlfriend, it's not worth it. Just talk it out, you'd be surprised what you can accomplish.

34. Parties are more fun when you are conscious. Drink responsibly.

34b. Driving is legit. Drinking is eh (legally). Doing both is wrong. (BroTipshq.com)

35. If you are going to stop and smell the flowers, make sure you aren't allergic to them first.

36. Never steal someone else's work, unless they are okay with it and you give them kudos.

37. If you have ever filled out a paperwork with the words WIC or Medicaid, make sure you need it first. Support yourself and everything else will just come to you. Don't just take public money because you qualify for it.

38. Your family is always there for you, make sure you are there for them.

If you have any more suggestions or a problem with any of the code, comment on here and tell me :-d.

#guy #code #guy code #men #understanding guys #latest

New American Language

It has become more and more apparent to me that the American cultrue has been infiltrated by the British. After much thinking, I have decided upon the one reason they are able to: we both speak the same language.

With no language barrier, it allows the English to infiltrate our culture easier.

This, of course, has one obvious solution: speak a different language.

I now propose the development of what I call the New American Language. The following is the first changes away from English.

1) "Speak" is no longer a word. It is unnecessary since we already have "Talk" from now on, you will talk a language, not speak.

2) American is not pronounced Uh-Mair-Ik-An, it is pronounced Uh-Mer-Uh-kin.

3) The words "British" and "English" are no longer words. They will now be referred to as "Crossers" England is "Crossed"

4) Every time a Crosser tries to talk to you, look at them in confusion and amazement, and act like they talk a language that is totally foreign to you.

If anyone would like to add or change any words or grammar rules for the NAL, go ahead and comment them.

The differences between men and women, Part II

I have noticed many women irked because men tell them to make sandwiches. I don't understand why, it is not an insult or anything. Think about it.

I believe fully that women are just as good at men when it comes to many different jobs. The next time you are having your car checked up at an auto shop, look at the employees. More than likely, you will notice that all but one or two are men. Is this because of sexism? Are men just too stubborn to let women work at an auto-body shop?

No. The answer is that these one or two are just terrible at making sandwiches.

I did mention that women and men are about equal when it comes to those jobs, but that does not work the other way around. When it comes to raising kids, talking to teachers, making food, and almost all other house work, women trump men.

So the next time a man tells you to make him a sandwich, smugly be proud of yourself and realize that you are better than he is.

Potato Haiku

Ever wanted to sounds cultured but hated the problems (like, actually having to know the difference between Renaissance art and Abstract art)? For people like us, I have developed the Potato Haiku.

The Potato Haiku is a simple derivation from the regular haiku, with only three rules different from a regular Haiku:

1) Their are four lines - 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables, 7 syllables.

2) The third line MUST be Potato Haiku

3) All of the lines must make no sense when put together, but make sense when they are separate.

Example:

The pie is a bomb

Ramen Noodles taste very good.

Potato Haiku

What time of the day is it?

The best job ever

After much mental consideration, I have decided that the best possible job to have is being a Court Reporter. At first, this sounds like a boring job, with little benefits. But that is a lie. The job also comes with air conditioning, heating, unlimited coffee, and your own desk.

Those are not the only advantages to being a Court Reporter. As a court reporter, you have the availability to change the world. Or, at least the district your court is in. How?

The job of a Court Reporter is basically to write down what people say and what happens at a trial, for both the use of the court itself and for external media. This can come in handy to someone who has an agenda, or someone they do not like.

For example, let's say that Joe is getting charged with beating puppies, as animal abuse is illegal. But, as it turns out, there is no proof that he did said crime, and, in fact, more proof to the contrary. Case dismissed, right? Wrong.

Let us say that you HATE Joe with a passion that Satan envies. As a court reporter, you can make explicit quotes from Joe that say something along the lines of "I KILL PUPPIES AND PUT THEM IN SOUP!!!! I WILL KICK EVERY SINGLE PUPPY THAT CROSSES MY PATH!!!" Of course, he never did say that, but according to the records, he did. Show this to the jury, and the case is immediately closed.

This power can come in handy quite often, or until you are caught. But, when you are on trial for illegally changing the court proceedings, change them one last time, but this time in your favor. Case dismissed.

#career #courtroom #jobs #great job #get out of jail free

The differences between men and women

Many people believe that men and women are basically the same. Okay, that is a lie. Only women believe that. Men believe they are different from women, but women tend to think that men are broken women. For the sake of your health (I guarantee, this will ward of rabies), I have written simplified answers to the differences between men and women.

The big difference between men and women is that women somehow think everything is connected in some way or another, while men tend to put everything into its own category. If a man is to say to a woman that he does not like the way Russia is treating the United States, the woman will immediately assume that the man does not like her white sweater. How? The Russians were formally the Soviet Union, which was ruled by the Bosheviks. To gain control of the Soviets, though, the Bosheviks had to fight the Mensheviks, and the Mensheviks were white. Therefore, you must hate her white sweater. Just think about it.

Two people are walking in a parking lot. At least one is a man, and he looks at a car and says "That is one ugly shade of purple!" The other person thinks to themselves, "he hates my purple shirt." What is the gender of the other person?

This is all true, so don't attempt to call me a sexist. If you do, I will lie about posting this.

#different #men #women #rabies #lies #cookie #military #fights

Collapse of Rome is the fault of Global Warming

According to a group of tree-ring studiers (pronounced Stoo-Dee-Ays), the collapse of Rome (pronounced Roe-Mon Noo-Duhls) may not have been because of invasions, power-hungry authority, citizen dissident, or any other reasons we were told in school. What do they say is the reason then? Climate Change.

I am not making this up. From what I read (the first two paragraphs on multiple articles), it appeared it got too hot in Rome.

This leads to my second point: heat and terrorism (pronounced Jee-Hod). A couple years ago, I lived in a house with an air conditioning system that would commonly shut itself off. When it did, it got hot. And if this has ever happened to you, you know what it's like when you're hot. You are willing to do anything to get your mind off of it, which means you need something to do. In America, we can find a plethora of things to do, but in Iraq, they have a rabid shortage of fun, thanks to the heat melting everything that might entertain them. So, when it comes down to staying indoors (also known as the only shade there is in Iraq) with relatives that smell like donkey turds, or sending missiles towards western civilizations, the choice becomes pretty easy.

Back to my first point:

Now, if my theory holds water (literally. I plan to print this out and pour water on the paper and see how well it can withstand it), then, obviously, it must have gotten hot in Rome. Back in those days, there was no Air Conditioning. They just had to hope that a Tyrannosaurus Rex (pronounced Long, Scientific word) was in town, swinging its tail. Of course, since Tyrannosauri were rare back then (Caesar had kept most of them as pets), they had to find some other way of staying cool, or at least, keeping their mind off of being hot.

The first thing that would come to my mind, if I lived in a bamboo shack and had to hunt hippopotamus all day would be to attack neighboring villages and cities and tear down the Roman empire.

Now, of course, the article doesn't just say that Climate Change just caused the fall of the Roman empire. I mean, you have to give credit where credit is due. They also stated, and I can't make this up, that Climate Change caused the Black Death.

Anyone who attended at least seven years of schooling knows that the Black Death was a scary time in European history where a giant, semi-transparent black cloud swept through Europe killing off people. I don't know how they believe these are connected, but I believe that it couldn't be too difficult to imagine, so here is my guess:

The cloud was created by an evil wizard (pronounced Wee-zurd). Now, don't get me wrong, there are some good wizards who perform spells on politicians, but they aren't important here. He had gotten angry because of a recent increase in temperatures in Europe. As we have learned before, someone who is exposed to high temperatures is more likely to want to take over a nation, or at least destroy it.

After he had created this evil monstrous cloud, he decided not to release it, as it was winter by the time he was done, so the temperature was mildly cool. But, once spring came again, the climate became, once again, overly hot. So, once again angered, he decided to release the evil cloud, which was set to kill one in three Europeans.

After the cloud had made its rounds, the less humans allowed for the temperatures to settle down, and was now a comfortable sixty-eight degrees year round.

At least, that's how I think it happened.

Border Agents Bust Bologna Bandit

New Mexican border agents have recently seized 385 pounds of contraband meats that a man attempted to smuggle from Mexico to America. The Thirty-three year-old man was assessed a fine of one thousand dollars his attempt to transport 35 rolls of bologna.

Officials say this is the largest bologna bust at the Santa Theresa crossing ever.

Frankly, I am appalled at the actions of this man. Does he realize how many lives he could have put in danger? Think about all of the bologna wars that could have been started and all the addictions he was feeding! I am highly surprised that he did not receive life sentence.

Hopefully, this meager thousand dollar fine will teach him to think twice before he starts endangering people's lives with his Mexican bologna.

#boloney #baloney #balony #bologna #smuggling

I "Like" your child's name.

A couple in Israel has named their newest child Like after the famous Facebook button. To many, this did not come as a surprise, as their two other children are named Dvash, Hebrew for honey, and Pie, like chocolate pie. The parents of the child said that it is important to them that their children have new and unique names. I digress. Like is not new, Facebook has been using it for years! Below is a list of names that I believe their child should have been named:

La-a - Why should black people have all the fun?

Newandunique - They said it themselves.

Kumquat - Keep the pattern of food names.

John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmidt - His name is my name, too.

Comment - If it has to be about Facebook, might as well be a comment.

Dislike - Everyone has been wanting this for years now.

Luke - You cannot deny that it would be pretty amazing to shout "LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER!" every time you and your child are in a fight.

Karma - Because Karma is a bitch.

Bob

I'm sure we can all agree that these are all unisex names.

#dislike #dvash #facebook #hebrew #honey #israel #la-a #like #new #pie #unique #star wars

"Area 51" book blames Communist Russia

A recently published book titled "Area 51" (obviously named after Aryans, Hitler's dream race) now manages to blame Russia for the occurrence in Roswell. The book claims that what was actually seen was a Soviet spy plane crashing down in a storm. And the weird beings inside of it? Genetically altered humans to look child-sized, with over-sized heads and eyes. Supposedly, Stalin had conceived the idea after hearing of the radio adaptation of War of the Worlds.

The alien-like beings were the brainchild of the Nazi-Doctor Josef Mengele. The plane itself was flown remotely from somewhere in the USSR, and the "alien-like children" were just crew for it.

The writer of the book, Annie Jacobsen, is not a normal messed-up conspiracy theorist. She is a well-respected journalist for the Los Angeles Times. Her source: a retired engineer.

I don't believe that. I'm pretty sure Nazis hate Russians. But besides that, it seems pretty legitimate to me. Just because the United States is quite a few years off of creating children with massively over-sized body parts does not mean that Russia did not achieve it under their Communist era.

But still, Nazis hate Russians. My guess: Chernobyl victims were used to fly the plane, so no remote aid was used. Since they figured they might get hungry, they stopped at a local McCommieold's on their way to America. While near Roswell, the captain of the plane realized that he had dropped a Ukraine Fry, and bent down to pick it up. While bending down, he accidentally bumped into his co-pilot, who was drinking a Sayan Mountain Dew. The co-pilot then dropped his Sayan Mountain Dew, which spilled across the vast pilot controls, immediately leading to the frying of much of the equipment. Everything went downhill from there.

And then they found five dollars.

#area 51 #communist #aryans #germany #russia #russians #communism #mengele #ussr #alien #jacobsen #los angeles #la times #nazi #socialism #aliens #et #extraterrestrial #extra terrestrial

Rapture leaves serious questions. Very serious, like the-world-will-end-if-they-are-not-answered serious.

Note: this was written on the day before the supposed Rapture. Please do not think that the Rapture will come the day after this is published, I don't want to be blamed for causing mass chaos. Thank you and please take a seat.

It has become big news tomorrow that a small Christian sect is claiming that tomorrow is Rapture day. For those of you who don't know, the Rapture is NOT the belief that the world will end tomorrow. It is the belief that all the good people will leave Earth tomorrow, having been taken by Jesus Christ. The world will end on October 10th. Now that we have cleared that confusion up, lets get on to the questions.

First off, if someone were to commit suicide around the time of the Rapture, would that confuse God, the Father? I mean, Jesus would say "Here Dad, I bring you the good people." While God is checking off their names, making sure that all the good people there are marked off and no bad person later can claim to be someone else, then the suicide dude will try to sneak in.

Second, what would happen if Jesus accidentally grabs the "Evil: Perish in Hell" list off of his Xerox instead of the "Good: Enter Heaven", I know he is infallible, but it happens to even the best of us.

But before everyone goes off and says that it is guaranteed that the world will end tomorrow, I have VERY good proof that it will not.

Marty McFly has been to 2015.

Obviously, the man that predicted the Rapture is a liar, stupid, insane, or a scaremonger. No matter which way, it is obvious what he will do next: he will enter politics.

#rapture #christian #cult #end of world #end #world #october #may 21

U.S. Government releases tips to survive Zombie Apocalypse

In a serious step, the United State Government's Center for Disease Control has released tips on its blog on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. It outlines steps such as creating a survival kit containing water, food, medications, tools, and other such things, so that you are able to survive a zombie attack until a refugee camp can be made for non-infected people.

The post gives the following advice:

Create a kit containing:

Water (1 gallon per person)

Food (non-perishable)

Tools and supplies (duct tape, utility knife, battery-powered radio, etc.)

Sanitation and hygiene (bleach, soap, towels)

Clothing and bedding (a fresh set of clothes and a blanket for each member using the kit)

Important documents (copies of all driver's licenses, passport, birth certificate, etc.)

First aid supplies (although you're doomed if a zombie were to attack, you will need to be able to clean up cuts and injuries)

Create an emergency plan like the following:

Identify where zombies could come from and the threat they create.

Pick a meeting place for your household to regroup in the event of a zombie invasion. Pick one place near your home in case of immediate evacuation and one in your neighborhood in case you are unable to immediately return.

Determine emergency contacts. Create lists of local police, fire department, hospitals, and local zombie response team. They may someday save your life.

Plan an evacuation route. Zombies will not stop until they receive your brain, so you will need to escape town quickly, Determine multiple routes in case the zombies are to have already blocked any.

In the event of a zombie apocalypse, the CDC guarantees that it will immediately investigate the disease.

While the CDC does an excellent job outlining ways to survive for some time in the event of an invasion, it shows no way on how to thwart a zombie attacker. It is highly unlikely for us to depend solely on our military to annihilate all attacking zombies, so I believe we need to create our own guidelines.

First of all, always carry at least a single 9mm pistol on you. It does not matter what type, but it is important that you have one. If any zombie were to attack you personally, you would be able to rely upon your handgun to protect you.

Second of all, carry garlic. It is common knowledge that garlic will prevent any zombie from wanting to come anywhere near you. They hate garlic with a passion. Oh, sorry, that's vampires. Never mind.

Finally, take a night class on zombiespeak. It is a very worthwhile investment, as being able to communicate with zombies will help you dictate peace with them. It is very important to know that when the zombie is saying "UNNNYYYYUAAAHHHUUHHAHUUU," it is not asking for a cup of coffee, but would like to know what time Seinfeld is on tonight.

If you have any more tips, go ahead and post them in the comments.

German man winds up in women's prison

Recently, a man was discovered by the mayor of the German city Hildesheim has rescued a man that accidentally got trapped in an All-Women's prison in Germany. The man claims to have mistaken the open gate to the prison as a shortcut for a nearby park. He did not notice that he was inside the prison gates immediately, and when it dawned on him, the gates had already been closed and locked.

The mayor says that he had heard the man's cry for help while on his daily stroll and had then proceeded to call for the police. Initially, the police did not recognize the mayor, and believed that he was helping a prisoner escape. When the policeman finally did realize who he was, though, he led a search for the missing man.

This brings up many interesting questions. First off, why does the mayor stroll past a jail daily? Does he love to know that he is at risk to be assaulted if there happens to be a jailbreak when he is going past? More likely, I believe, is that their mayor is a pervert.

And what about the man? What possible reason would he have to believe that the gate he went through was a shortcut to the park? I believe there was a distinct possibility that he is a convict in the prison and that the judge at his trial made the err of assuming that the man is a woman.

Assuming that the city of Hildesheim had only Man-Only and Woman-Only prisons, what would happen to a transsexual? Would a special prison have to be built to hold them? If any follow-up can be given, it would be greatly appreciated.

#germany #police #prison #jail #mayor

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Somehow, Still Living- I rightfully should be dead