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@randomrantsandthoughts
"Well, she's not the biggest fan of yours"
- quote said in reference to the girl whose boyfriend I've been hooking up with. Which she only knows about happening once. Which has definitely now happened three times.
What am I doing. Why do I keep doing this. I need someone else with whom to work through these frustrations.
.... I'm mad at myself. 😬
So I've been going through my posts on here, and reading through all of the things that I used to genuinely believe about my own self worth and how I was perceived by the world really makes me sad. It hurts my heart to remember when the times when I really did not like myself, or think that I was worthy of any kind of love or affection. I'm not saying this obnoxiously now because I've gotten into some kind of relationship or anything that's given me external validation, that's not the case. I've just grown so much in my own skin over the last couple of years, and I've discovered my own self worth and I refuse to ever go back to the days when I hated myself. So to the younger version of myself, I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I promise you, though, it will pass. Soon, you will discover the beauty in everything that you do, and you will love yourself more than anything else in the world, and it will not be a facade or an act, but true. You will figure it all out, I promise. You have always been perfect, and exactly who you needed to be. Soon you'll see. Until then, try not to beat yourself up too bad. I love you.
I thought about you a lot today. I don't really know why, you were just on my mind. It started out with just really wanting to tell you to have a good day. I just genuinely hoped you would have a good day, and I wanted to put those good vibes out into the universe for you, because something in me told me you needed them. Then we got a call that took me back to that town, physically. On that call I was not just back there physically, but suddenly emotionally. Every street corner, every business, everywhere in that town now reminds me of you. Memories were hitting me like waves when you're wading in the ocean: just when I thought I'd recovered from one, another bigger one would come along and try to pull me under. But I kept my head above water, I made jokes to myself and my partner and I just tried to brush it off. I got through the call. I got through the day. I don't know why you're on my mind. Maybe it's because I'm talking to someone new. Maybe it's because I finally admitted to myself that a relationship might be alright to try to have now, when I was so adamant about not having one before. Maybe it's because it's almost exactly a year since we first met. Maybe it's because I feel guilty for not remembering the exact day, but I feel like it's overkill if I go through the trouble to look it up. Maybe there's no reason. Maybe it's because you're thinking of me too. ... there's no reason.
But like here's the thing,
A career in medicine is all I've ever considered, because in my fucked up nihilistic, depressed mind, the only thing in this world that means any god damn thing at all is helping out others. That's the only thing that I have found any kind of motivation to pursue, but right now I'm just thinking about the very real possibility that I fail. That I don't get there. And I'm really afraid that I'll regret my whole life because I'll just think about my goals that I never achieved. I don't know. I'm dumb.
I'm so angry at you.
And I'm angry because I'm still so hurt. I've spent my entire life thinking that I'm far too abrasive and straight forward and that guys are pansies who get scared by strong women and won't even approach them, but we started this thing off and it was supposed to be casual and it was supposed to be once or twice and then goodbye, so I never had any kind of walls up to protect you from my 100% raw person, because I knew I wasn't trying to keep you around. But you stayed around. And you kept coming around. And we fell into a routine and we knew each other and we both kept pushing the other away for fear of getting hurt, for fear of letting anything become real. But it did. It became real for both of us and neither one of us wanted to say anything because we knew that reality would get in the way and that it would never work so we kept it inside until the very last minute. It's not fair that you decide to confess all of this to me as we're loading up my moving van, that isn't fair and I'M SO MAD AT YOU. You somehow knew all of my insecurities and told me that's why you fell for me, you listed them off one by one and all I could do there was lay there and cry because who is this man who thinks that he knows me so well coming into my life at the last minute and asking without asking to let him stay, even though we both know it would never work? I'm so angry. All I could do is weep because even though I tried so hard not to let him in, he got in anyway and now I was leaving and it wouldn't work and my mind is reeling. I'm laying there crying and you're holding back tears (but I wouldn't have cared if you had let a few fall) and we're both saying all of the things that we've kept inside over the last seven months and I can't believe we let it get this far and I can't believe that you're saying all of these things about me and there's no false pretenses, there was never a time when I was trying to be someone I'm not just to impress you, so everything you're saying is about who I really am and it hurts all the more because of that. And now what? We're just never going to talk again? We're going to text each other sappy "I miss you's" the next day and then radio silence? I know it's what we both need to heal, but I can't tell if it's doing more harm than good. I hope that if I'm still thinking of you this much that you're still thinking of me and we're both idiots and I don't want to text first but I know that you won't text first because you think you're letting me go to do bigger and better things but right now all I can think about is being in your arms again and I know that if you had kept replying the next day then I would have too because I'm not strong enough to walk away because even though I tried to deny it, everything was so easy from the start with you, it just felt right, and now I have to just let it go. I'm so mad at you.
I think my best friend and I just made concrete plans to have a threesome... And I'm super excited 😂
I don't know if it's hormones. I don't know if it's stress. I don't know if it's the impending change in my life situation. I don't know if it's the fact that I keep seeing friends make announcements, or that my sister in law is pregnant with her and my brother's second, but I have been experiencing some major baby fever lately. I know it's not time, I'm not even in any semblance of a relationship, or a steady life place, but I can't help but think about what it would be like to have a baby. To be a mom. Someday.
So, I’ve been off living real life lately, and let me tell you it’s been a doozy. Working 50+ hours a week on top of school on top of fraternity on top of mental health on top of dating (i guess??) and I am fucking exhausted.
I can’t even say that all of this is necessarily on top of dating, because i don’t even really know what that’s like. Basically, I’ve started having sex. I talk to a guy, decide i like him well enough, and then we meet up exclusively to have sex. That’s happened a few different times. I’ve convinced myself that this is fine, because I don’t want an emotional attachment or commitment right now, which is true, but at the same time it just kind of sucks, because you can’t rely on a fuckbuddy when shit gets serious.
And what’s worse is that none of these guys I’ve slept with would I even CONSIDER dating. At all, for a myriad of reasons ranging from their baseline personalities to their career aspirations or lackthereof. That’s not to say that I’m some hoighty-toighty bitch who refuses to date someone with career aspirations that are not the same as mine. That’s not it at all. Rather, I am someone who holds themselves to an extremely high standard and has very clear cut goals and plans for achieving them, and I would like someone whose drive for their passion and what they want to do with their life matches the intensity of mine. I do not want someone who is okay just sticking it out at a dead end minimum wage job for the rest of their life because it’s “good enough”.
Whatever, that’s not the point. The point is that though I have opened up my body to these men, I have very firmly, very clearly not opened up my mind to them. To anyone in that capacity.
Last night I entertained the idea of opening up my mind to someone to date them rather than just sleep with them. We were talking, getting along fairly well. He seemed a bit dull, but so does everyone through text. We had had enough witty rapore that I felt that we would not run out of things to talk about should we go on a date. So I agreed to one. We made plans to meet up last night to play some mini golf. These plans were originally introduced a week ago. They were asked about and reaffirmed the day before. Yesterday morning I received secondary confirmations about the plans, and we solidified exact time and exact place.
This exact place happened to be in the city about forty five minutes south of where I lived, so I had to make sure to leave with enough time to get there. I show up. The parking lot is almost empty, which is not unusual for a predominantly family oriented place somewhat late on a weekday, and I send him a message that I am there. I then proceed to wait for forty five minutes, until an employee comes out of the building and approaches me, only one of three cars in the parking lot and the only one that has moved in any type of way in the last hour, and asks if i’m waiting for someone who is still inside. I said no because I was waiting to meet someone who I was planning to go inside with, at which point I am informed that they actually closed almost an hour ago for new business, that people were only allowed to finish already in progress activities. So i left the parking lot. I drove to a shopping center nearby (lots of people, plenty of streetlights and security cameras) and tried to call (for the second time). It went straight to voicemail.
For some reason that I do not know, much less understand, this guy that I had a decent vibe with completely stood me up, after he had confirmed our plans less than twelve hours before. So I wound up going to see a movie by myself, since I was all dressed up and now in this city with a wider selection than my own, and once the movie was over, I got in my car and drove home while I cried.
I didn’t cry because I was sad that this guy didn’t want to go on a date with me. I cried because of how unnecessarily cruel the whole endeavor seemed, confirming plans that he knew I would have to drive almost an hour to and then not having the decency to cancel beforehand or even answer calls or texts, and I also cried because I had been open to the idea of actually dating someone, not just hooking up with them and using them for sex. I had been open to it, and without warning or explanation it was cruelly taken away.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just scared because graduation is quickly approaching and what happens next is terrifying me, so I’m trying to fill the void with things and people and situations that won’t have any significance four months from now.
I know that this is temporary, that this craving for a relationship or at least for a solid friend with benefits, emphasis on the friend, will pass, but for right now it sucks. And it hurts.
No one likes feeling rejected, and even though I don’t really know this guy, somehow his rejection still hurts.
Whatever.
I’m going to masturbate a few times and then go to bed.
I don’t know how, but I’ve somehow managed to psychologically convince myself that I’m broken hearted over a guy I’ve met exactly once, but who seemed like the personification of everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner, because he’s already taken. I’ve somehow managed to talk myself into being broken because he found happiness with someone long before the events that led to us meeting were even a possibility of happening. Somehow, I have convinced myself that I have been wronged in this arrangement, that he should have known that we would be perfect together and not stepped into a situation that made him happy.
That’s all so irrational. I can’t be angry because he met someone that he loves and started a life with. I can’t be angry at him because I’ve subconsciously decided to lay all of my future happiness on his shoulders because on paper we seem perfect for each other. And I certainly can’t look at him, with whom I will never have a relationship that is anything more than friendship, and then compare everyone else from this point on to the theoretical relationship that we had in my head.
I know that it doesn’t make sense. I know that I’m not allowed to be hurt. It’s just that, maybe there is a great guy out there for me, somewhere. Maybe there is just one though. And maybe he (not this specific guy, but some unknown theoretical HE in the future) has already found the love of his life, and it isn’t me.
I don’t know. I’m over reacting and I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t like being irrational, and the more I realize I’m being irrational, the more angry I become at myself.
I don’t know.
I’m just really fucking tired of being alone.
Growing up.
The thing that sucks about having your best friend follow you on all forms of social media, is that when you want to vent a little bit, they're going to see it. It's not that I'm not happy for her, or proud that she's going to accomplish the things she kept talking about, because I am proud of her for that. I really am. It's her dream, and she's finally going for it. It's just really shitty because it's like the last chord to my childhood has just been snapped, and now we all have to grow up. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being an adult. Of being an adult and being alone, in all senses of the word. All of my friends from home are off doing their own things, all of my friends from college will only be in my life for another year but for a few, and I am so afraid of entering the world without a soul to turn to. She was my constant at home. She was always there. And I know it's selfish, to think that she would put her life on hold for my comfort, and I would never ask her to do that. I'm just in a big transition period right now, and all that there is to it is: I. Am. Afraid.
I wonder how many more times this pattern of people treating me like shit because I refuse to play their games is going to repeat itself in my life. Because guess what: it's gotten really fucking old. I guess fourth (fifth?) time's the charm, and when I say no more.
Okay, so i do this thing where i go online onto random video chat sites like chatroulette and omegle, or more recently into chat rooms, and i try to feel better about myself by allowing myself to be lusted after by these men i don't know. it makes me feel desired, sexy, wanted. I don't know why i do it as often as i do, but i makes me feel good and it kind of fills a void that i don't get fulfilled in my real life. so i keep doing it.
well lately, i've been going into this chatroom and putting on a persona in order to get people to notice me, to get men to notice me, and i've been going on it regularly, so i've started an ongoing repoire with several men, and honestly i think i've gotten myself in over my head. i'm kind of overwhelmed because i'm not used to having one guy actively pursue me, much less multiple, and it's kind of scaring me because i don't know how to handle it.
and they all seem to think that they're the only guys i'm talking to, that they're the only guys talking to me, and then they get mad when i mention that another guy is talking to me. i don't know. jealousy isn't really my thing, it's not attractive, it's not cute, and since i don't actually know any of these people, it just comes off as clingy and obsessive. Currently, i'm talking to at least 5 guys regularly, with more cycling through here and there depending on the day, and i thnk i just need a bit of a break from it all. like, one of them went even so far as to 'anonymously' ask another one about me while i wasn't there, and it just got very creepy, and the stress of all of that just made me really emotional tonight. and i don't like that i let it affect me so much.
i don't know. i just don't know that i like it anymore. i think i'm going to take some time away from it all.
what i would really like is to meet someone in real life who i could actually be with so that i no longer felt that void.
Reason #207 why I want a significant other:
I want someone who will make me feel like my birthday is special or important for once.
On trying to love myself and why that's a challenge
So at the end of last year, my mom went on this diet, which was very successful but seemed kind of extreme. Since seeing how well it worked for her, she's been pressuring me almost every time that I've come home to do the same thing, and now that I'm home for summer she decided that she would start it up again for health reasons, which are irrelevant in this context, and she 'gently asked' if I would do it with her.
Yeah, okay.
Like, i don't begrudge her the fact that it will help her health condition to monitor what she eats again, but does she really think that I don't see what's going on?
And maybe part of it is my fault for saying yes, mainly so that she'd shut up about it, partially because I was curious if it could really work for me, because I've always struggled with my weight.
What's really shitty though is that I have really been trying to find ways to love myself recently, weight included, and this just kind of set me back as far as my self acceptance progress is concerned.
And it really sucks, because I start this diet and immediately my head goes to "I'm going to be so hot, I'll be skinny and everyone will like me and everything will be perfect" because that's what society has conditioned me to be the response and the reasoning that I diet, when in reality it should have been "Yeah, I'm going to do this for myself and no matter what happens on the scale I'll know that I'm making myself healthier and that I'm the only person that matters or cares".
So my self acceptance is going to be a bit of a challenge for a while, at least the duration of this diet, after which I'm having my big surgery, which will start the entire battle again.
And I'm really afraid that in my life, no matter how much weight I lose, no matter how I look after surgery, that I will always feel like the little girl from elementary to high school that no one wanted to play with because she was fat, who they would make earth quake noises every time she stepped into the room, the girl who had a rumor circulate that she'd slept with a guy at a party so that the guy would look bad because she was the worst person they could think of him hooking up with. I don't think that I'm ever going to escape the feeling of not belonging somewhere, of taking up too much space, of being judged each time I go to eat because 'no wonder that girl's fat, look at what she's eating'.
I don't want to always think these things. It's so soul destroying. I don't like it.
I'm just trying to love myself. That's all I really want.
Oh jesus, you post ONE thing about being horny while you're out wandering in the woods and all of a sudden you have guys sending you messages about what they'd do to you in those woods.
First of all, don't be creepy.
Second of all, you don't even know me, or what I look like, and so your sexual advances are not only unwanted, but also unwarranted, because for all you know i'm a fucking slob that you wouldn't glance at once, much less twice, if you passed on the street. You have no way of knowing.
Thirdly, have any of those type of lines ever worked for someone before? I do not find it sexy in the SLIGHTEST for some guy that I've never talked to before to just automatically go into details about what he would do to me.
I am not an object for your sexual desires, I am a thinking, breathing human being and I have thoughts and emotions that surpass any objectification that you may attempt to force onto me.
So take your inappropriate advances that you think are acceptable and shove them up your ass.
I need to get a boyfriend or fuck buddy who will go on walks in the woods with me and then rail me up against a tree. I've got this thing about nature, you see.
The future terrifies me. I have no idea how to function in the world, because all I've ever known is schooling. I'm a student, how the hell am I supposed to be expected to know anything else?