random thoughts about life and stuff

[randomthoughtsaboutlifeandstuff]

This is Park Bom (35 years old), a korean singer who used to be part of the kpop group 2NE1 (disbanded in 2016). She was diagnosed with ADHD as a teenager and has been taking medication for it since, although she wouldn’t disclose that information to the public. Until 2014, when she was put under investigation for drug smuggling after bringing her medication from the US to South Korea. Charges were not pressed against her but the scandal destroyed her image.

In 2018 Park Bom told news outlet Sports Kyunghyang:  “It is something that happened partially due to my ignorance during the process of bringing it in, but it’s frustrating that people say that this medication is 100 percent amphetamines. Calling it drugs, but isn’t it something I can’t not take to treat my illness?”

“It has been five years since I let go of singing. Because I got so much hate, I didn’t even want to be a singer. However, after the ‘PD Notebook’ broadcast, I felt that I have to be a singer. I can’t give up what I want to do the most and what I am the best at because I am intimidated by misunderstandings.” 

“ Also, I want to be successful in my return as a singer so I can buy a big building for my parents who have struggled a lot because of me.”

“I haven’t even really purchased clothes properly for five years. Even when walking on the streets, I was concerned that people would say something to me. I don’t have a car, so I have to go around running into people like that. I cannot drink very well, but there are times that I drink. My heart hurts, but I am forcing myself to endure it. If people would understand my situation, not even a lot, but just a little bit, I think I could sing again. Could you please just watch over me?” 

She made her return to kpop in april of 2019 with the single “Spring” despite the attacks against her. Being a young woman with a good image in the public eye is already a challenge, but the scrutiny famous woman over 30 face is even more intense, as the entertainment business sees them as disposable. The ableism directed at Park Bom, including the stigma of being both neurodivergent and perceived as a drug addict (solely for the treatment of her ADHD), devalues her not only as a person but as a woman. The gendered insults openly directed at her (such as being compared to a sex doll by a journalist) show the impact of misogyny when combined with ableism.

[randomthoughtsaboutlifeandstuff]

Sometimes diverting my attention from something I’m doing to whatever you want whenever you want upsets me.

Sometimes responding to something in the way you believe is appropriate exhausts me.

Sometimes you may think I’m not enthusiastic enough, expressive enough, attentive enough, saying enough words or making enough eye contact with you.

I don’t behave that way because I chose not to care about you or what you have to say.

I behave that way because I can’t help it.

I behave that way because I can help it but it’s torture.

I behave that way because behaving the way you think I should is a reminder that I’m not acceptable, I’m not enough, I can’t be honest, I have to say things I’m not thinking, sometimes without even understanding why they must be said. Just to make sure you know that I’m here, that a I hear you, that I care.

I have to put on a tone of voice and a facial expression and it feels like a lie. Every little lie is another rejection of myself, another weight on my shoulders and the burden grows heavier and heavier as the hours pass. 

It makes my muscles tense up, twitch, spasm until my whole body hurts. It makes my mouth and my throat feel dry and rough. It makes my eyes burn like they’re being forced open. It makes me hyperaware of how uncomfortable my clothes feels against my skin, how it prickles and itches. 

The frustration sinks painfully in my chest and no amount of air I breathe in seems like enough. My control slips through my fingers.

Sometimes I have to walk away.

Sometimes my mind just... stops. Like part of me gave up and died in that moment and there’s barely anything left. Everything is distant and numb and I feel nothing. I know I’m doing something, maybe even saying something, but I can’t tell what. 

I’m not making excuses. I’m not trying to get you to feel sorry for me or to coddle me.

I’m telling you that you’re asking too much from me. If what you ask requires me too push past my limits, sacrificing my well being, it’s too much. It’s unreasonable. 

It’s unfair to act like I wronged you for not meeting those expectations. 

But I feel guilty anyway.

[randomthoughtsaboutlifeandstuff]

fanfiction authors are not your mom

[randomthoughtsaboutlifeandstuff]

it’s okay to not understand a thing. it doesn’t mean that the thing is wrong or doesn’t exist. things can exist even if you don’t know how or why. 

[randomthoughtsaboutlifeandstuff]

Tenchi in Tokyo is the superior Tenchi Muyo! series

[randomthoughtsaboutlifeandstuff]

Hating other people won’t make you hate yourself less. Mocking other people won’t make you less insecure. Looking down on other people won’t make you feel less inferior. Ostracizing other people won’t make you fit in. Rejecting the experiences of other people won’t make yours more valid.

[randomthoughtsaboutlifeandstuff]

Saying aroaces are straight reinforces the idea that straight is the default and other orientations are a deviation. 

[randomthoughtsaboutlifeandstuff]

the new right is neoliberalism dressed up in marxist aesthetic

[randomthoughtsaboutlifeandstuff]

the illness of our generation is internet-induced solipsistic angst