I wanted to jump on here and talk a little bit about my experience being aroace in the South Asian diaspora.
For reference I’m Pakistani, born and raised in England and I’m AFAB and perceived by everyone around me as a woman.
-This does get kinda get kinda personal with some mentions of past internalised acephobia-
I grew up with marriage being viewed as the one of the most important things in your life. That you’ll never be as fulfilled in this life if you aren’t married. You’ll be old and lonely and no one will want anything to do with you.
Not getting married is seen as a personal failure and not wanting it is seen as childish and something that you need to fix about yourself.
Marriage is very much prioritised but love is not. There’s a distinction between a marriage and a love marriage. You don’t need to be in love to get married it’s not seen as an important thing.
In my experience if someone gets a love marriage and it goes bad ooo you will hear about that till the cows come home more then if say an arranged marriage goes wrong.
Just to clarify an arranged marriage is when parents or other family members are the ones to find you a partner. You then agree or disagree to meet with said person. If you agree you get to know them over a short period of time and then decide marry or not.
That is what is supposed to happen, but of course sometimes people are forced into these things. It’s very important that you have a choice that’s the whole point.
I just wanna emphasise that okay.
And kids are basically seen as a given, you get married to have kids. Not having kids is seen as this tragic thing, something to pity and pray for. But if you don’t kids, then you’re selfish and need to grow up.
That’s legitimately what I got told when I told my mother in front of my brother and cousin years ago that I didn’t want kids.
That I was selfish and something was deeply wrong with me. We were in the car and I got screamed at for it all the way home….funnily enough it did not change my mind.
I am completely and utterly repulsed by sex and I have never felt any attraction to others beyond aesthetics (and even then not so much.) I was with people online I guess but I didn’t feel any different to if they were a friend.
And I grew up thinking because of that there was something deeply wrong with me.
And I tried to fix that which…put me in some not so great positions with older men online. I’m not proud to admit it but I also recognise that I was in a horrible place with people who took advantage of that.
And at the lowest point of my life where I felt I needed to escape everything I truly believed my only options to escape were marriage or death. Thankfully I picked a third option and I’m still here. But yeah I would’ve honestly condemned myself to a life I did not want just to keep my family happy.
Even when I was destroying myself I still felt like I had to prioritise their expectations over my own life.
The hardest thing I have ever had to was choose myself because we are always told how selfish that it is. But you know being selfish kept me alive so you know I think it’s worth it sometimes.
And yeah I truly believed for so long that these qualities made me unloveable. That I was going to be alone forever and no one would ever care about me because I was “broken.”
I knew I was aesexual for years but I did not accept that or come out till I think I was like 19. And then a couple years after I realised I was aromantic too.
It was a rough ride let’s just say but at 24 almost 25 I’m happy. I still sometimes struggle with self acceptance but I genuinely would not change who I am for the world.
I have seen past those expectations, that kids aren’t everything, marriage isn’t everything. God I got my degree both of them and I’m doing the things I love in life surrounded by the people I love.
And you know I’m not opposed to marriage I like the idea of being with someone I care about taking on the world together. But I know it’ll be different than most people would expect.
I mean I’m not what most people expect to be honest.
Soo yeah I just want anyone in my community and outside of it too that you’re not alone. You’re not less for not feeling a certain way, you’re not worth less for not wanting what it is expected of you.
I mean let’s be real here most of the people who have pushed marriage onto me aren’t even happy in their own.
You’re a beautiful wonderful human being and you deserve everything. You can’t fix what it isn’t broken and you are not broken.
I wish I accepted that sooner but I’m here, crocheting leg warmers in what I have just realised is in the aromantic flag colours I’m not even making this up.
I started this yesterday and I just…wow okay.
Anyway at the end of the day it’s your life and how you choose to live it is all on you.
Do whatever the fuck you want with it, don’t push yourself into situations that make you feel uncomfortable and think this isn’t me.
Obviously easier said then done I’m well aware but just know that I’ll be cheering you on 💚💜🖤🤍
